Catastrophe Practice (41 page)

She said ‘I think, you look through a peephole, into what seems to be a room of walls, tables, chairs — then you look at it from above and it's just lines.'

He said ‘Perhaps something to do with the anatomical structure of the brain.'

She said ‘Or recessive genes: or chemical warfare —'

He said ‘Or some such.'

They were coming to an edge of the ploughed field. There was a wood, with beech trees.

He said ‘You know that thing called Catastrophe Theory' She said ‘Do I?'

He said ‘Things are apt to change without your seeing just how or why, in jumps.'

She said ‘Like the opening of a flower —'

He said ‘Or the breaking of a strain —'

She said ‘What about Catastrophe Practice?'

There was a wire, which he held up for her. She climbed under. Then she held her arms out for the baby.

He said ‘I did bring you milk!'

She said ‘I thought it was the fairies.'

She took the baby. He put a leg over the wire. Watching him she thought — It is in no-man's-land, of course, that men are so vulnerable.

He said ‘That's a good title!' Then — ‘Like genes, we are and are not so vulnerable.'

In the wood there was a path with leaves dropping. They walked quietly.

He said ‘I was so miserable.'

She said ‘I suppose it was my fault.'

He said ‘Of course it wasn't!'

Somewhere in front, through the trees, there was the sound of an engine roaring.

Lilia said to the baby ‘Tell it to go away'

Jason said ‘Go away'

The baby, which Lilia was now holding, put a finger out, pointing.

She thought — Like God: that old man on the ceiling —

There were some figures in front of them through the trees. They were gathered round what seemed to be a lorry.

He said ‘Keep moving.' He put his hands out for the baby.

She thought — You hold your hands by your sides: put one foot in front of the other —

The lorry seemed to be stuck in some mud. Its engine roared and faded.

She said ‘I do wish they would hurry up and die.'

He thought — Mothers can say that? Then — That is one of the gifts given to grown-ups by babies.

Some of the men round the lorry had stopped trying to push it and were watching them.

The baby turned its head away looked up at the leaves, the shadows.

Lilia and Jason turned off down a side-path at right angles to the lorry. They looked at the ground as if they were careful of where they were treading.

Lilia said ‘Isn't the place near here where they go underground if there's a war or something?'

Jason said ‘And dream of breeding like rabbits.'

The baby held a finger up as if he were listening.

Lilia thought — You could wish them dead if they were rabbits —

Jason thought — Cannot one say that?

They walked on.

They had come to a part of the wood that was cut off by iron railings. There was a mound, covered with undergrowth; a blocked-up entrance to something like a womb.

She thought — Womb? Tomb?

— Laboratory?

Then — If it would stop them, one could say that.

They stood looking at the mound. Jason was holding the baby.

She said ‘I want to stop thinking.'

She thought — What was it: to get back to the garden, you've got to go right round the world and in at the back way —

There was the sound of shouting behind them.

They walked on through the wood.

Jason said ‘I once asked the Professor: If the solar system were an atom, what it would be an atom of.'

She said ‘And what did he say?'

‘Nothing'

She thought — Nothing?

He said ‘I mean, he said that there is nothing, except the solar system itself, which could be such an atom.'

She thought — A cypher then?

There was a large puddle across the path in front of them. They looked for a way round.

She said ‘Do you think there are trip wires?'

They turned back the way they had come.

He said ‘On Saturday morning; in a quiet walk through the wood —'

There was the sound of something crashing through the
undergrowth to one side of them.

The baby seemed to have gone to sleep.

She said ‘We'll stand still: shall we?'

He stood with his arms through hers; the baby between them.

She thought — A cipher, cypher; what goes between —

Then — We might be on that journey across a desert?

There was a man in a woollen cap plunging through the undergrowth.

When he was close to them he stopped. He seemed to look in his pocket for — a handkerchief? a gun? a hand-grenade? Then he smiled: he went on.

She thought — Breaking down the fences: leaping up the waterfalls —

The baby opened one eye and looked at them.

Lilia said ‘You won't die, will you?

There was the sound of a backfire, or a gunshot, from the direction of the lorry.

Jason said ‘No.'

They came again to the railed-off mound like a tomb. Its door had been forced open. It hung on one hinge.

After a time Jason bent down carefully as if to see inside.

She thought — Dials; switches; ladies and gentlemen on the grass —

He said ‘There's no one there.'

She said to her baby ‘There's no one there.'

Her baby pointed with his finger the way on through the wood.

He said Walk normally. The way back to the car.'

They were moving down the path which went past where they had seen the lorry.

She said ‘Do you pray?'

He said ‘Sometimes.' Then — ‘Do you?'

They stopped. There was the lorry. There was no one round it. The baby began to struggle to get out of his arms.

Lilia held her arms out for the baby. She said ‘It's all right, my darling —'

There was what seemed to be a body lying in the mud by the lorry.

Lilia said ‘Don't go!'

She thought — We are goats, tethered, in a clearing in the jungle.

The baby was studying her face.

Men were coming down the path from the direction of the ploughed field and the road. They were wearing woollen caps and gum boots.

Lilia said ‘What shall we do?'

The baby began struggling to get out of her arms down to the ground.

Jason said to the baby ‘Do you want to walk then?'

The men who were coming towards them were carrying a stretcher. One of them had a rifle over his shoulder.

Jason put the baby down. He said ‘Look! He can walk!'

Lilia thought — Can he fly then?

The men with the stretcher were going past them. They were watching them curiously, or incuriously.

Jason said ‘Did you see?'

Lilia was watching the tops of trees.

The men with the stretcher were going away from them.

Jason said ‘Isn't he clever!'

She said ‘Yes.'

Jason picked up the baby.

When they got to the edge of the wood he held the wires apart for her. She went through. Across the ploughed field, they could see their car.

She said ‘I can't go on.'

‘Of course you can.'

She said ‘Did he really —?'

‘He took two steps!'

Jason put the baby down in the ploughed field.

The car was some way above them on an embankment.

Lilia said to the baby ‘Aren't they silly people, my darling!'

Jason said ‘I'll just check there isn't a bomb under the car.'

Lilia said ‘Let me see!'

Jason said ‘He didn't seem to think that anything like that really mattered.'

Eleanor lay on a mattress on the floor of Jason's kitchen. When she heard someone at the front door she closed her eyes. Whoever it was, waited: then went through to the sitting-room. She thought — It cannot be Jason: he will be with Lilia Footsteps went to the bottom of the stairs. Eleanor thought — Perhaps he, if it is he, will think I have been trapped beneath rubble, and will bring me a cup of tea.

Whoever it was came into the kitchen. Eleanor lay with her eyes closed. She thought — But you can go on too long, like acrobats, trusting that hands will catch you —

After a time there was the sound of cupboards opening and shutting; of cups and plates being put on a table; of a kettle beginning to steam.

She thought — Love was often somewhat embarrassing.

The Professor said ‘Would you like a cup of tea?'

‘Yes please.'

‘And so many lumps —'

‘You remember?'

She thought — Lying here, with pleasure at my feet, like a dog, purring —

He said ‘I always used to bring you cups of tea!'

She wondered if she might say — You never!

She lay on her back with her hands folded across her chest. She listened to the sounds of his moving about in the kitchen.

He said ‘Ah those were the days!'

She thought — With the tanks in the streets —

— And little bells going —

There was the sound of a toaster making its springing noise: then the scraping of a knife against burnt bread.

He said ‘You were so beautiful.'

She said ‘And you were so powerful.'

He said ‘I shouldn't have gone off, have let you go —

She said ‘Shouldn't you?'

He brought her a cup of tea. She sat up in her bed.

They were in the bombed house; the mattress was on floorboards.

She said ‘We were never really apart. We said that.'

He said ‘In the sight of God —'

She said ‘Who else do you want to be seen by?'

Taking an interest in Jason's kitchen — the table with the top at the level of her head; the dresser with cups and jugs on hooks; a dish-washer propped up at the front with a child's bricks; she thought — You know, of course, why we were such a good husband and wife; because in the sight of God we had a function.

She said ‘We never really worked out what makes one set of chances different from others.'

He said ‘Well it's what you see in them, isn't it?'

She said ‘But they work on their own.'

He said ‘I think happiness is dangerous because you get no warning; it's all there for you; the seagulls get you; you're not looking.'

She said ‘I think real happiness is almost unbearable.'

She drank her tea.

She got off the bed. She and the Professor sat on either side of a table on which there were teapot, mugs, plates, toast, butter, honey.

She said ‘And what are you doing now.'

He said ‘Language. Patterns. Means of communication.'

She had the physical sensation, suddenly, of her brain in two halves like those of an apple: then coming together, slowly, to make one.

He said ‘And what are you doing?'

She said ‘Teaching.'

She thought — You mean if you went right round the world and then back again, to the Garden of Eden, there would still be that Tree of Life, which before, for some reason, they did not recognise?

After a time she said ‘Where are those children —'

He said ‘It wasn't that you didn't want children —'

She said ‘What was it then?'

He said ‘You didn't want a child. You wanted children. You wanted to look after the world.'

There was the sound of someone coming into the hall. He seemed to listen.

She said ‘I would have liked a child.'

He said ‘We've got that too.'

She thought — That head from which an eye is born, behind the forehead —

Then — It was because of your experiments, years ago, looking after the world, that we couldn't have children?

Anderson's voice called from the hall — ‘I say, does anyone know who found my film?'

Anderson came into the kitchen. He was carrying his cardboard box. He looked round the room. Then he said ‘What's that burning?'

The Professor said ‘Toast.'

Anderson said ‘And I thought it was the Old Science Buildings!'

He went to a bread bin on the dresser. He took a piece of bread and put it in the toaster.

Then he said ‘How are you two doing, all right?'

The Professor said ‘Well, who did find your film?'

Judith said ‘I did.' She had put her head round the doorway. She looked round the room cautiously, like a child on the edge of a pantomime.

Anderson said ‘Thank you.' Then — Why, what were you doing?'

Judith said ‘Nothing.' Then — ‘And who put the milk and things for Lilia?'

Eleanor said ‘Jason did.'

The Professor said ‘And who's got my typescript?'

Anderson said ‘I have.'

Eleanor thought — This is ridiculous.

Judith said ‘Well there we are then.'

Anderson said ‘With both momentum and location.'

He came and sat at the table and poured out tea.

He said ‘Bombs, guns, angels. Radioactivity —'

Judith said ‘Peace; procreation —'

The Professor said ‘I'm going!'

Eleanor thought she might say — Eat up your breakfast.

Judith said ‘Where would you go to?'

The Professor said ‘To a conference of Marxist determinist bacteriologists.'

Anderson said ‘And I could make a film about my prophetic soul, my uncle.'

Judith said ‘And I could act — The Liberation Army.'

Eleanor thought — We've always known that language is ridiculous: that something quite different is happening.

Then — We want not to be gods but those parts of us that are our children to be gods —

There was the sound of a car outside.

Eleanor said ‘They were expecting us?'

After a time Jason's voice, in the hallway, said ‘Look what's here!' Then — ‘And I thought I'd lost it!'