Castles in the Sand (32 page)

Natalie propped her arm on the steering wheel and rubbed her forehead, listening to silence from Susan’s end for what felt like minutes.

At last there was a final sniffle and she cleared her throat. “All right. ‘Glory be to the Father.’” She sang the words. “‘And to the Son, and to the Holy Ghost.’”

“What is that?”

“The ‘Gloria Patri.’ Second Century traditional. ‘As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end. Amen, amen.’”

“And amen.”

As Kenzie imagined Aidan and Pepper speeding toward Los Angeles, she carefully inched his van into the carport beside her mother’s sensible white four-door car. There really wasn’t enough space for it. The rear bumper stuck way out into the alley, but that was the least of her worries. She crunched the parking brake and shut off the engine. It shook and shuddered and rattled.

And then she did the same.

“Oh, God.”

Mick couldn’t die. He couldn’t. Pepper might be the heart of the Carlucci family, but Mick was the soul. He was the essence. He kept them together. All the kids adored him. Kenzie totally adored him. And how she loved Aidan!

She totally adored the entire family. They had taken her in when her life fell apart.

Still…she wasn’t a Carlucci. She might be carrying one, but she wasn’t one. Aidan didn’t need her by his side. He didn’t need her to work on his latest composition because, unlike ones of the recent past, he hadn’t shared it with her. Pepper didn’t need her to take care of Mickey Junior or the other young ones. Mick didn’t need her at the hospital.

“Oh, God!”

She shuddered again. Unhooking the seat belt took a while. Only the sight of her mother’s car cut through the anxious thoughts that clung like black cobwebs jamming her mind. Her mom was near. Traces of last night’s slumber party beckoned. Peace and laughter.

Kenzie made her way around to the front of the beach house and approached the door. She didn’t want to knock. She wanted to be a little girl bursting into the house with news. She wanted to be
home
.

As she touched the doorknob, the door opened and her mother greeted her with a fading smile. “Kenzie, what is it?”

She stumbled into Susan’s open arms and sobbed. “Mommy!”

Hours later, after tears, the Carlucci family news, Susan’s prayer, a nap, milk, cookies and an apple, Kenzie smiled. “At least it was my day off. I didn’t miss work.”

Her mother sat on the edge of the couch where Kenzie lay and smoothed her hand. “I’m so glad you came, honey. Do you want to call Aidan? They should know something by now.”

She shook her head. “He said he would phone when he got a chance. They’ve got so many other people—
relatives
—to contact. Do you know how many brothers and sisters Pepper has?”

“A lot.”

“Yeah. Mick does too.”

“Do you want to spend the night here?”

A wave of euphoria swept through her. She didn’t think it was a cookie sugar rush. “You mean it?”

“Oh, sweetheart, of course I mean it. What a treat! To have you with me two nights in a row? Wow. This is a slice of heaven. I wish—” She closed her mouth.

“What? You wish what? Come on, Mom, you’re into speaking your mind.”

She smiled. “Okay. I wish we could spend more time together.”

“We have been lately. Maybe it’ll catch on.”

“You’d be all right with that?”

“Sure. You’re different than you used to be. You’re not so uptight and perfect anymore and driving me nuts. I don’t even feel compelled to call you June!”

She laughed. “Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Do you feel like going outside? There’s a couple hours of daylight left. We could just sit or walk with Pugsy.”

“Can we play in the sand?”

“The rest of the day is for you to be spoiled. We can do whatever you want.”

Hunched over in the middle of a small shed in the backyard, Kenzie moved aside wetsuits, a heavy surfboard, fins, boogie boards, beach chairs, and bicycles. “Aha! I knew these were in here.”

“What?” her mother asked.

“These.” She backed out of the shed, carrying a large mesh bag full of plastic sand toys. “Shovels, buckets, and look! Molds for castles and parapets. Faith Fontaine sure knew how to stock a beach house.”

“I was impressed with the tea.”

“Tea? It’s the beach, Mom! Think sand and ocean.”

Susan fluttered her eyes and grunted in disgust. “What
ever!”

Kenzie laughed. Where had this Susan Starr been the past nineteen years? She even wore blue jeans. Baggie ones, but still. They were the first pair Kenzie had ever seen on her. She said Aunt Nattie had bought them.

They plunked down on the sand a little way from the water’s edge. The tide was making its slow return. Before getting her hands gritty, Kenzie slid her cell phone from her back pocket and checked for messages again. Of course she would have heard it ring if Aidan had called, but she couldn’t help checking anyway.

“Anything, hon?”

“No.” She closed up the phone and put it away.

“Why don’t you call?”

“I don’t want to be in their way.” She upended the bag and emptied it. Mickey Junior would enjoy this. Someday maybe she could bring him to the beach.

The lengthy silence between her and Susan grew comfortable. Compatible. Kneeling in the sand, they dug moats, filled molds with wet sand, and constructed towers. Pugsy raced around like a crazy dog and eventually settled into nosing every shell in sight. After a time, Kenzie became lost in the simple activity of playing, oblivious as a kid to the yuckiness of life.

“Kenzie, may I ask something?”

“Just say what you mean, Mom.”

“I thought I was doing that.”

“No. Why would you ask if you can ask a question instead of just asking it? You’re really concerned about something besides the question. Like whether or not I’ll go berserk. I bet that’s what you mean to say. For good reason. Berserk has always been my modus operandi.”

Susan smiled. “All right, here goes. First of all, I hope what I’m about to ask does not set you off. It’s just a question, not a backhanded way of giving you advice. Please don’t take it as such.”

“You got it.” Kenzie continued work on the castle, glancing now and then at her jeans-clad mother digging with all the earnestness of an artist creating a permanent masterpiece. “Promise, no berserk-ness.”

“Thanks. I’m wondering, do you feel left out of things with the Carluccis? With this emergency?”

“Why should I? Aidan took Pepper to the hospital. It was what he needed to do for his mom and dad. He didn’t need me along. I’d just be in the way.” She heard the whine in her voice and bit her lip.

They dug in silence for a few moments.

“Kenzie, why do you think you’d be in the way if you went with them or phoned him now?”

Say what you mean, Mom
. Well, Susan was doing exactly that, more and more even without Kenzie’s not-so-subtle hints. And Pepper always talked real. Seldom shuffling around a subject, she’d give her blast of opinion with both barrels. Why couldn’t Kenzie do likewise? She laid down her little plastic shovel, uncurled her legs, and sat in the sand.

“Hon, sometimes we feel things we’d rather not feel. Even your dad says emotions just are. They’re not right or wrong.”

“If he believes that, he sure has a funny way of showing it.”

Susan settled back on her shins, the purple shovel on her lap, and met her eyes.

“Mom, I’m telling you to talk real, but I can’t because Dad always tells me what’s wrong with how I feel.”

“I know,” she whispered.

“How do I get over this?”

“Forgiveness is the only way to healing. Forgive me for not intervening. Forgive him for communicating your feelings are wrong. Once you decide you want to, for your own sake, then God will give you the grace and power to forgive.”

“You already told me this stuff.”

She nodded.

“I’m…not there yet.”

“Okay. Let’s go back to the other subject about how you feel toward the Carluccis. If you want. I’m learning that it helps me to express my feelings out loud. It seems to soften the rough edges of the pain.”

That euphoria gushed through her again. Her mom wasn’t forcing her to talk about her dad or about forgiveness. She gave Kenzie the freedom to go a different direction, to be…real. How she wanted to trust her!

Susan said, “But I understand if you’re not ready to open up with me.”

“I think I need to.” The confession flew off her tongue. She followed it. “Aidan didn’t invite me to go along. He hardly even acknowledged I was there. I mean, I know he was horribly upset. He loves his dad so much. I just felt totally invisible to him and Pepper. If I were his sister we would have talked. He talked to his sisters and figured everything out about what they should do. They haven’t called me, either. I could help with Mickey Junior and the younger girls. I’m just—” She wiped her short sleeve across her face. “I’m not part of the family! That’s why I can’t call. I don’t count! I’m not a Carlucci!”

Susan crawled around the castle and grabbed her in a bear hug.

It was a long, wordless, rocking bear hug. Kenzie’s tears flowed, cleansing, healing, freeing. Her mom was her family.

As slanting sunbeams glinted directly on Susan and Kenzie’s faces, the incoming tide engulfed the castle’s moat and lapped at its wall. The late afternoon breeze turned cool. No one else lingered on the beach; few people jogged past. Still they worked, adding wings and buttresses and towers. Susan smiled to herself. A new burst of energy had seized both of them.

She moaned. “Kenzie, we’re going to lose it.”

“Mom, you didn’t think it’d last through the night, did you?”

“Well…”

Her daughter laughed. Dried tear tracks wove unevenly on her sand-dotted cheeks. “It’s the nature of sand castles. Here today, gone next high tide. Which usually comes twice a day.”

“I never realized how much these castles resemble life. We dream and work and build, as if something so incredibly fragile as life is going to last. Then, before we know it, poof. It’s all gone and we’re dead.”

“Thank you for that depressing observation.”

“You’re welcome.” Susan patted a wall into place. “Maybe they’re like the works talked about in the Bible, where it says some will burn up, but others will stand forever because they’re made up of eternal elements. We shouldn’t worry so much about the transitory stuff.” She glimpsed Kenzie’s arched brows. “Whoops. There I go preaching again.”

“You really ought to get yourself a pulpit.” Her tone clearly teased. “But seriously, that can’t mean we quit dreaming and working on this life.”

“And giving birth and making a home and creating music.” Smiling, she shook her head. “I’ll get you a pulpit too.”

Kenzie laughed, and they returned to their silent construction.

A short while ago, as Kenzie wept in her arms, mother and daughter bridged a great yawning gap that had lain split open so many years between them. Since then, Susan couldn’t stop humming and murmuring songs.

Earlier in the day, Susan followed Natalie’s advice. She trudged along the beach, forcing herself to sing the entire time. It had been a struggle. The music escaped her. The image of God singing over her faded. But she kept at it, repeating the “Gloria Patri” again and again, the only words she managed to recall.

What felt like hours later, her voice hoarse, her calves aching, she returned to the house. Not exactly carefree, but she was—at the least—no longer hopeless.

And then from the kitchen sink she spotted Kenzie through the window, head down, walking around to the front door.

And then her little girl called her “Mommy.”

And then nothing else mattered except closing up that gap.

Now there remained only one thing between them, one fissure unsealed. If she died within the next five minutes, Susan would regret for eternity not attempting to reach over it with her hand toward Kenzie.

“Honey, there is something I’ve been wanting to tell you about.”

“Are you really saying ‘don’t go berserk’ again?”

She shrugged with an air of nonchalance. “You gotta do what you gotta do.”