Castles Burning Part One (13 page)

I stood up as fast as my freezing body would allow and waded slowly through the water, searching for the mailbox which would indicate the road, and the way to help. I slipped a few times, searching for the mail box, but the rain was coming down in sheets, I could barely see in front of my face, my vision was blurred by the water running into my eyes. I had no idea which direction to go to find the truck, or anyone else for that matter. I screamed at the top of my lungs for help, my throat throbbing in pain. I screamed over and over again, out into the grayness, praying someone would hear me, but all that returned my calls was the roar of the rain and wind. I sobbed to myself, and brought my hand up to touch my face, which felt numb. The water was up to my knees, it was cold, but I didn’t feel anything. I wanted to go back to Aden, I turned to face the house, my mind made up, but I couldn’t see it. I took a few steps forward, wondering where the window was.

“Aden!” I cried. “Some
one help us please!” I screamed, my shoulders shaking.

I pinched my lip between my thumb and forefinger.
Nothing. I drew my hand away from my face and tried to focus my site on them in front of me as I felt for the porch steps, but my eyes strained and wavered. I couldn’t find the porch, I couldn’t find the mailbox. I couldn’t find Aden, I felt lost. All alone. I bowed my head as tears fell down my face, and looked down at the water pooling around my pale, shaking knees, I noticed the dark red that was surrounding me, it was wispy, and in the murky water it looked like dense smoke.

I gave up screaming and continued my pursuit to find the house, and Aden. M
y eyes began to slide shut, my vision began tunneling, and I felt my knees begin to buckle. I reached out with my hand to steady myself on something, but there was nothing there, and I fell forward, but before I was swallowed up by my unconsciousness, I saw headlights coming toward me, they swung around and lit up the mail box.

“It’s the wrong way.” I whispered
in defeat.

***

             
I was laughing. Wind was whipping through my hair; Aden was driving the boat too fast, again. Christie and Alex were holding each other, laughing with me as he sped over the water, the sun beating down on our shoulders. I moved to Aden and rested my hand on his firm shoulder; his warm hand reached around my waist and held me close to his side. As we bumped along the water I heard a strange beeping. I looked behind our boat; there was a man on the shore, in a black coat and hat. Christie began to scream.

             
“Amber?” Someone called to me.

             
My head hurt, my eyes felt large and heavy, I tried to open them but I couldn’t.

“Amber?” T
he voice called again.

This time my eyes began to open,
harsh fluorescent lights burned them; they were heavy, like they had steel anchors holding them to my cheeks.

“Amber can you hear me?”
The man asked.

I nodded; there was the smell of rubber, and
plastic, cool air blasting into my lungs, and an itchy strap around my ears.

“You’re going to be ok
.” He said.

“Where is he?” I asked, my head rolling to the side, eyes searching the small space.

His rubber gloved hand was soft on my skin, as he felt my pulse, the rocking of the ambulance hurt, everything hurt. I gazed at his neck as he looked away from me, saying something to someone else that I couldn’t see; I focused on the tribal tattoo that barely came out of the collar of his EMT uniform and up his neck.

“Who?”
He asked me.

My eyes slid shut, I forced them to open and seek out the strangers eyes, as I brought my hand to the cheek
Aden had left sticky with blood, I felt that it was now washed clean from the rain.

“Aden.” I croaked before I slipped into darkness again.

***

             
I spent three days in the hospital before I learned that my love, Aden had lost his life that day at the beach house. Before I learned that my best friend Christie had been committed to a hospital for a nervous breakdown, before I learned that my friend Alex was in intensive care for blood loss. Three days before I learned that I had been stabbed in the back and nearly bled to death myself, I yearned for a do***over. I longed to travel back in time and curl up beside my beloved and never have gone out for help in the first place.

My Commanding Officer paid me a visi
t to my hospital bed on my fourth day, he had granted me some extra time to recuperate, and I learned that my request to leave the Navy early, had been disapproved.

“We know you’ve
been through a lot Fireman Carlson. You showed incredible bravery, please take a week, and get yourself straight and healthy. Your LPO will be in touch.” He looked out of place in his dress blues, against the plainness of the hospital.

“Thank you Sir.” I said to him, grateful for the understanding.

“Get well soon Fireman, we’ve got a deployment coming up you’ll need to be ready for.”

“Yes Sir.”

When he left the room I hugged myself in my hospital bed, brought my knees to my chest and sobbed while envisioning Aden’s arms wrapped around me. I dragged my hand across my hip, imagining it was his touch, caressed my face, like he would have done, had he been there beside me. That night I dreamt of fire, and water. I dreamt of sand castles, crumbling into nothing like brown sugar. I saw Aden’s eyes, his deep soulful eyes as they smiled at me from a far off memory of summer. I felt his lips against my skin, tasted them on my mouth, I could smell him. I woke with a scream, drenched in sweat and a nurse rushed in to console me.

“He can’t be gone.” I whispered to her.

“I know sugar.” She said, she was soft, and warm, she looked older than my mother. She rocked me and stroked my hair, speaking gently to me about faith and love and understanding.

“I can’t live in this place without him.”
I sobbed against her hysterically.

My parents came to visit me
for the first time, the next morning. They chatted for a few minutes with me about what had been said and done with the police, who weren’t pursuing any further investigation, Christie’s father was dead, and they basically said good riddance.

“Have you
spoken to Christie?” I asked my throat still a little sore from being strangled nearly to death.

“No, we thought you might want to do that.” My dad said.

I nodded. My mom made some off handed comment about errands to run and things to do, and they left. A forty five minute visit from my parents was more than I could ask for, as they seemed to never want to leave their home.

When I was released from the hospital, I went to Christie and my apartment
which was beneath her grandmother’s house, gathered a few things, and loaded up my car to make the drive to visit Christie. As I loaded my sea bag into the back of my Toyota, Christie’s grandmother came out to speak to me. Her thick Scottish accent used to be hard for me to understand but over the years I’d grown used to it.

“Christie was never a child that could handle much stress. She always was over emotional.
Over sensitive. But I never imagined she’d wind up in a hospital.” She shook her head sadly.

“It won’t be for long. This just threw her over the edge after… Erica.”

“Yes, I suppose you’re right. Poor girl.” She shook her head again. “You be safe on that deployment.” She told me before turning and heading back to the house, her white hair blowing in the soft wind as she leaned on her cane.

Fairfax hospital was about a forty five minute drive from us,
and as I drove I couldn’t get Aden’s face out of my mind. His smile, his beautiful eyes, they haunted my dreams, teased my heart into thinking it would beat again. I felt as if my life were over. Nothing really mattered anymore. I wasn’t afraid to stay in the Navy, and I welcomed the upcoming deployment, I decided that I would look into volunteering to go IA. I wanted to be on the ground. I wanted to be in the field, or as close to it as I could get.

The song
Black Balloon came pouring out of the speakers of my car as I took the exit onto I-405 South. The lump formed in my throat before the lyrics even started, but I couldn’t bring myself to change the station. The words were perfect for what I was feeling.
I go on, as you get colder
. It sent chills to my core, dragged its icy fingers down my spine. Aden laying there on the floor, blood all over all those blankets, his beautiful blue eyes, staring at me with love, even in his last moments he saw me with love. I touched my cheek where his hand last rested.

“Oh God I’m so sorry I failed you baby.
I’m so sorry.” I sobbed.

As I approached Fairfax I calmed myself down, no use going into a mental institution sobbing like a lunatic. When I walked through the first set of double doors, and they locked behind
me, I felt an odd sensation creep around me. How scary to not be allowed to freely leave a place like this.

A nurse showed me into a small cozy sitting room, the earth tones and warm lighting made Christie look even more pale than usual as she sat
curled into a corner of a small sofa, she held a napkin to her mouth, rubbing it softly along her bottom lip as she stared in front of her at a fake fireplace. It was one of those large picture framed images that move with lights that you see at the mall.

“Christie?” The nurse said softly.

Christie turned slowly to face us, when recognition registered on her face a sigh of relief escaped me. I wasn’t sure what state I would find her in. She stood and held her arms out to me as I came forward to embrace her. We both held one another for a moment, reliving our ordeal together, strengthening and comforting each other.

“I’m so sorry Amber.” She sobbed.

I shook my head no, my chin wavering as I looked into her brilliant green eyes.

“What will I do now?” I whispered. “How can I live without the other half of my soul?”

Christie shook her head and winced as her tears came again. I wanted to tell her more about Alex, but there was no new information to offer. We held hands for a couple moments in silence; Christie shed a couple tears silently.

“I couldn’t make myself get up.” She finally said,
shaking her head in bewilderment.

“I tried to get up, to find Aden after you went outside. I could hear you screaming for help and I wanted to come to you, to
help you. But I couldn’t stand… and Aden, he started to… he was calling for you.” She rasped, slowly her eyes connected with mine, full of pain and regret and fear. I had to cover my mouth with my hand to keep my own sobs at bay.

“He, oh God please forgive me. Amber, he was
screaming for you.” Her eyes were brimming with tears; they swam around her green eyes. “He was
screaming
for you, and trying to stand. The screaming, it terrified me and broke my heart and I collapsed. I wanted to go to him, to stand and help him, but I couldn’t help him. I couldn’t tell him that you were ok.” She finally broke down. “I was the only one he didn’t hurt and I couldn’t make myself get up off the fucking floor and help him!” She screamed at me wildly, beating her fists against her thighs.

Tears were
streaming down my face as I grabbed her hands and held them in mine. I could see it in my head; I could hear his voice calling to me because I heard it every night in my dreams. I watched his bloody hand grasp the large duvet cover to try and pull himself from the floor because I watched him do it every night in my dreams; my beautiful, strong Aden, not even able to pull himself from the ground.

“It’s not your fault.” I told her, shaking my head
, my throat aching with unshed tears.

“It is! I could have helped him! I could have slowed the bleeding!” She shook uncontrollably and her breath was hitching with the intensity
of her recollection.

I opened my mouth to try to speak again, to try to console her more but I couldn’t bring the words
to the surface, and before I had a second longer to try, the nurse came in with a small syringe and gave Christie a shot in her arm. Just a few seconds after the shot Christie began to calm down. Her body stopped shaking, and her eyes lost the wild look in them. She settled back into her chair, and resumed sliding the Kleenex across her lips.

“Now it’s all over.” She said.
“All gone. Forever.”

She
squinted her eyes as if trying to remember something. “I can’t find it Erica, can you find it?” She asked as she turned her glassy eyes to me, looking through me.

I brought my hand to my mouth to try and hide my quivering chin.
Did she think I was her lost twin sister, or was this the shot?

“Can’t find w
hat sweetie?” I finally managed, placing my hand on her knee.

“I don’t remember. I keep looking for it. But I lost it, and I was supposed to keep it safe.” She cradled herself in her arms and closed her eyes, bringing her head to rest in my lap.

I took deep breaths to steady my emotions; I stared at the simulated fireplace for a long time before Christie’s breathing became regular. I slipped out from beneath her, and placed a pillow under her head, and tucked her in with the blanket that was across the back of the sofa. I left my email address to the ship I was being stationed on, and my mailing address, on her notepad that was on the coffee table in front of the sofa. When I left the warm sitting room I leaned against the wall beside the nurses’ station and closed my eyes. The smell of disinfectant was overwhelming; people were wandering around, in a larger gathering room to my left. I swallowed hard before straightening myself and opening my eyes, connecting with a nurse behind the glass. She offered a kind smile before turning back to her computer.