Castle War! (32 page)

“Then all you have to do is find it,” Mordecai said.
 

“That's going to be tough.” Incarnadine sat down. “Earth magic's always been my bugaboo. Had a devil of a job wrestling with it last time I was here. Ferne did the anchoring in Pennsylvania. My brother Trent's good at this sort of thing, too, but he's on vacation and can't be reached. And I have to get back soon. I must deal with the cosmic instability before it gets much worse.”
 

“Well, you got a problem,” Mordecai said.
 

“Yup.”
 

“Good thing you came to me.”
 

“Uncle Mordy, would you help me?”
 

“What, I'm going to refuse a relative? You're in trouble, you need a hand. Listen, I got nothing better to do.”
 

“I would certainly appreciate it.”
 

“It's nothing. You want to get going now, or you want some lunch first? The cook's off, but there's some corned beef in the fridge, a little coleslaw—”
 

“Time is a factor.”
 

“Time, he says. There's always time. The universe has time out the kazoo. There's no end of it.”
 

“Do you think we can summon the portal?”
 

Mordecai leaned forward. “You got a wild portal. Summon it you can't do.
Chase
it you gotta do.”
 

“How?”
 

“Don't you worry how. We'll find out how. When was the last time you ate?”
 

“Days.”
 

“Days!” Mordecai appealed to Jonath, who stood solemnly by. “Days, he says. Magic he can't do without, food ...
phfft
! Who needs it. Uh, listen, fellah, why don't you sit down and take a load off your feet?”
 

Jonath dutifully sat on the couch.
 

“He don't say much, does he?” Mordecai commented.
 

“Mordy, Jonath has never seen Earth, or anything like it.”
 

“I forgot. Pardon me, Jonath.”
 

Jonath silently nodded.
 

“Anyway. Listen, son, you gotta eat. The body can take a lot of punishment, but you gotta take care of it.”
 

“How old are you, Uncle Mordy?”
 

Mordecai held a hand up. “Don't ask!”
 

“I won't. Getting back to business. Has anything untoward been happening here? I was wondering if the cosmic disturbance has had an effect.”
 

“Yep. Big earthquake in California.”
 

“Ye gods, the big one in L.A.?”
 

“No, in Frisco. Terrible!”
 

“Then there's less time than I thought. We really have to get going.”
 

Mordecai shrugged. “So, let's get going. We'll pick up something to eat on the way.”
 

He led them downstairs again, turning left at the foot of the stairs. They went through a steel fire door and into a huge garage. Three automobiles were parked there: a silver Rolls-Royce, a white Mercedes, and something of an antique—a gargantuan mint-green 1959 Cadillac Coupe de Ville, bulbous chrome agleam, wicked rear fins razor-sharp and eager to impale pedestrians. In its exuberant and flamboyant crassness, the car was nonpareil.
 

They got in, Incarnadine in front, Jonath in the rear. Mordecai took a black plastic box out of his pocket and pressed the stud on it. The wide garage door opened. Mordecai started the car and drove out.
 

“Nice house,” Incarnadine said as the Cadillac rolled down the driveway.
 

“It's comfortable,” Mordecai said, clicking the door control again. “What do you think of this old buggy, eh?”
 

“It's one
rara avis.
”
 

“You can't buy quality like this anymore. They built them solid then.”
 

“That Rolls didn't look shabby.”
 

Mordecai waved disdainfully. “Overpriced. This I have outfitted with a couple spells. Trouble is you can't find leaded gas anymore, so it sits.”
 

They cruised through palm-lined residential streets, sumptuous homes to either side.
 

“This neighborhood's certainly not for the hoi polloi,” Incarnadine said.
 

“Some nice people around here. Some not so nice. But you live and let live.”
 

After six or seven blocks, Mordecai turned onto a main boulevard lined with boutiques and trendy shops.
 

“What you got here is Rodeo Drive East,” Mordecai said. “The prices would scare you.”
 

“No doubt,” Incarnadine said.
 

“Start with the portal-summoning. First push that third radio button. That trips a facilitation spell.”
 

Incarnadine pushed the button and began concentrating. He tested the ether with his right hand, angling it this way and that. “I get the feeling it's east of here. Out to sea?”
 

“In the Bermuda Triangle,” Mordecai said. “Where else? Maybe we should take the boat out.” He shook his head. “Nah, we'd never catch it in the boat.”
 

“I'll try to reel it in.”
 

“You do that. Open your window. The air-conditioning's busted.”
 

They swung through town and veered onto a business-clogged four-lane highway.
 

“Listen, there's a nice deli in West Palm Beach. Friend of mine used to own it. A nice Cuban fellow bought it and he's doing a wonderful job.”
 

“No time, Uncle Mordy. There.”
 

Mordecai looked. “McDonald's?”
 

Mordecai wheeled into the lot and stopped in front of the take-out ordering station.
 

A woman's voice came through a tinny speaker. “Good afternoon, can I help you?”
 

Incarnadine spoke up. “Give me a fish sandwich, a large order of fries, and a small Coke. Jonath, are you hungry?”
 

Jonath nodded.
 

“We also want a large Chicken McNuggets.”
 

“Any fries with that?”
 

“Right, large fries and another Coke. You're gonna love this, Jonath.”
 

“Me,” Mordecai said, “I like to sit inside when I eat, have a nice piece of fish. Give me a strawberry milkshake, honey!”
 

They pulled around the building to the pickup window. After a short wait, the food came through. Mordecai paid, and they left.
 

“It's moving in, Uncle Mordy,” Incarnadine said, mouth full of fries. “The f'cilitation spell's working.”
 

“It's a doozy. Makes everything happen.”
 

The huge Caddy swerved between lanes, drawing honks from annoyed drivers.
 

“Blow it out your keister!” Mordecai drove with one hand on the mint steering wheel, the other casually holding the milk-shake. “Listen, Inky. You say you don't know where in the castle the portal's other end is?”
 

“No, if it's whipping around here, it's doing it castleside, too.”
 

“Hmm. I can get the car through, a portal's got fuzzy edges. But if we come out into a hallway ... Remember to push that second button if we get into trouble. That's a protection spell.”
 

“I'll remember,” Incarnadine said. “All I can do is try to influence the other end. I'll try to make it come out in the laboratory. It's mostly empty floor space and there should be some stopping room. With the protect spell we ought to be all right.”
 

“We'll be fine,” Mordecai said with a serene smile.
 

“How do you like the food of the gods, Jonath?” Incarnadine asked, looking back.
 

Jonath swallowed. “I have never tasted such fare.”
 

“Try it with the sweet-and-sour sauce.”
 

Mordecai turned off onto a ramp and squealed around the long turn down to the Interstate.
 

“What are you getting now?” Mordecai asked.
 

“It's close. I think it knows we're chasing it.”
 

“Damn frisky things, portals.”
 

Mordecai bulled into the traffic stream, attracting more retaliatory honking. Still smiling, he took a sip of milkshake, left elbow angled out the window. The wisps of blue-white hair on the back of his head stood out straight, fluttering in the window wash.
 

“Up ahead somewhere,” Incarnadine said. “It's weaving in and out.”
 

“It wants to be caught,” Mordecai said.
 

Incarnadine wolfed down the rest of his fish sandwich and wiped his mouth. “Can you get up more speed?”
 

“We got three hundred and ninety cubic inches in the engine and a four-barrel carburetor.”
 

Mordecai eased the accelerator pedal to the floor and the car's engine throbbed with gas-guzzling power. Expertly and with equanimity, Mordecai piloted the huge vehicle through foaming channels of traffic, blithely weaving from lane to lane. More horns blared, dopplering in anger.
 

“I see the little devil now,” he said. “There she is.”
 

“You have sharp eyes, Uncle Mordy.”
 

“These glasses are fake, you know. Nothing wrong with my eyes at all. Twenty-twenty. Well, maybe not that good, but I really only need them for reading. How d'you like Florida, by the way?”
 

“Nice and hot.”
 

“Ever spend much time here?”
 

“No, not much. I can see it now.”
 

Ahead was a fuzzy area of grayness, a shimmering sheet like heated air rising from the hot asphalt. It seemed to move with the traffic, shifting from side to side.
 

“There we go,” Mordecai said. “We'll have you back in the castle in no time.”
 

Behind them, a siren began to whoop.
 

Incarnadine looked back. “This could be trouble.”
 

“Don't worry. I got handicapped plates.”
 

Mordecai shifted lanes, passed a bus, then swerved back to overtake a car via the inside lane. The speedometer was edging past eighty-five, muggy Florida air blasting through the open windows.
 

The siren was getting closer. Mordecai swung into the outside lane again.
 

“Whoops, there it goes!”
 

“There's an exit,” Incarnadine said calmly.
 

The portal had veered to the right, heading off the road. Mordecai careened toward the exit and nearly took the front end off a camper. A chorus of horns screeched their execration.
 

The caddy shot onto an exit ramp and thundered down it in pursuit of the portal, the siren following. The ramp merged with a two-lane road, which Mordecai roared onto, ignoring the stop sign.
 

Trees flanked the blacktop, edging a wide shoulder. The police car was gaining now, its whirling red lights dancing in Mordecai's rearview mirror.
 

“We may not make it,” Incarnadine said.
 

In the back seat, Jonath, quite unruffled, popped the last McNugget into his mouth. A smile crossed his lips.
 

“You married?” Mordecai asked.
 

“Yes,” Incarnadine said, eyes caged front.
 

“Children?”
 

“Two, boy and a girl.”
 

“Wonderful,” Mordecai said. “A man should be married.”
 

“I think we lost it,” Incarnadine said, leaning forward to peer through the wraparound windshield.
 

The road bent sharply to the left up ahead. The portal was nowhere in sight.
 

“We better think about slowing down,” Incarnadine said. “I'll pay your ticket—or bail you out.”
 

“Don't worry about it. I got friends in this county, and a wonderful lawyer.”
 

“Wait till the cops get a load of our getups—
Mordecai
!”
 

The portal had stopped just around the bend and was waiting for them, a vague patch of wavering nothingness. Mordecai's foot didn't have time to hit the brake pedal.
 

 

 

 

Inferno, Then Paradiso

 

The lava flowed, the ash rained down. Smoke and fire rose from gashes in the earth. The tee was a bed of cinders that set the soles of their shoes to smoking. Thaxton had the honor, and drove into a magma flow. One lost stroke. He hit another and the ball bounced among the rocks and disappeared into a crevice.
 

Two. Gritting his teeth, Thaxton got out a new ball and shot again. The ball fell on the narrow fairway, where a herd of hippogriffs pecked and scratched. One got to the ball and gobbled it.
 

Thaxton threw his club into the bubbling tar pit. “Right! That's it, that's the bloody end! I'm damned if I'll put up with any more of this!”
 

Dalton said, “I don't blame you this time.”
 

Above, harpies shrieked their dismay, and great dragons soared on thermal updrafts. Smoke poured from the great volcanic cone that rose against the sun to the right. The air was filled with flying debris.