Cast Me Gently (24 page)

“When? How long will you be out?”

Ellie looked around in a panic. She’d been coming down to the diner most evenings after she finished at the bank, trying to learn the ins and outs of running the place. There was so much to learn: ordering food and supplies, making a schedule, running payroll and taxes. And that was all in addition to actually working the diner—waiting on customers and ringing them up. It was overwhelming.

“The doctor said no work for at least six weeks,” Patty said.

“Six weeks?” Ellie sat down hard on a stool.

Louise laid a hand on her shoulder. “Let’s get that pie in the oven and then I’ll show you how to do payroll.”

Ellie finished scooping the pie filling into the waiting crust, then laid the upper crust out in a lattice pattern before sliding the pan into the oven. “Julius?” She set a timer. “Can you keep an eye on this for me?”

“Sure thing,” he said from the grill as Ellie washed up the flour and sugar on the marble baking slab.

She knocked on Louise’s office door—
the place my soul was laid bare,
she remembered with a droll smile. Her smile broadened as she saw a dill pickle lying on a plate on the desk. She tried to laugh, but it suddenly caught in her throat.

“What’s the matter, baby girl?”

Ellie kept her eyes lowered. “Nothing important.”

“You’re a horrible liar.” Louise leaned forward and took Ellie’s hand. “Tell me.”

Ellie looked up at her and tried to smile. She didn’t want to tell Louise her worries—that the bank was becoming intolerable with Aaron Myers waiting to ambush her on an almost daily basis, or how lonely she was lately—not with Louise’s health concerns.

“I just miss Teresa. She’s been really busy and we haven’t been able to see each other lately.”

Louise squeezed Ellie’s hand. “Some people are worth fighting for. I think Teresa is one of them. Don’t you give up.”

Ellie nodded. She took a breath and reached for the pickle. “All right. Show me how to do payroll.”

Teresa sat on the porch step, watching the kids run around the aunts’ front yard, hunting for the Easter eggs she had hidden earlier.

As far as she could tell, her mother hadn’t said anything to anyone else. The aunts still treated her normally, though she kept catching Anita watching her with a worried expression on her face. Teresa knew she looked like crap. She still wasn’t sleeping and she’d lost a lot more weight.
Any other time, I’d be happy to be this thin,
she thought sometimes, but she missed Ellie with a physical ache that never went away.

Just a few minutes ago, Karen had come to her. “We’re concerned about you. Is there anything we can do?”

Blinking rapidly as sudden tears stung her eyes, Teresa had shaken her head. “No. There’s nothing anyone can do.”

Teresa sat now, thinking about that. There wasn’t anything anyone else could do. Only she could do what needed to be done.

“What’s the worst that could happen?”

Bernie’s question rang in her mind, fighting to be heard over her mother’s,
“How could you do this to us?”

Bernie’s voice spoke more loudly.
“Jesus Christ, it’s your life. You gotta stop letting your mother treat you like you’re sixteen.”

Francesca came outside, carrying the baby, while, down in the yard, Sylvia led Daniela and Rickie to a couple of the hidden eggs.

“Ma, they’re supposed to find the eggs themselves,” Francesca said. She looked at Teresa with a roll of her eyes. She sat beside Teresa, handing the baby over to her. “Where’s Ellie? I haven’t seen her in ages. I thought for sure she’d be here today.”

Teresa lowered her head, smelling little Annalisa’s soft hair. It was a moment before she could trust her voice to say, “She’s been busy lately. I haven’t seen much of her.”

“Well, when you do, tell her I miss having her around.” Francesca stood up to go to Rickie as he sat in the yard crying when Daniela took his egg.

What are you doing here?
Teresa asked herself.
You know what you need to do.

She started to stand, but then sat back down. Three times, she changed her mind, quailing from taking that step. Anita came out onto the porch.

“How’s my goddaughter?”

Teresa got to her feet and handed the baby to her. “I’m not sure when I’ll see you again,” Teresa said breathlessly. She gave her aunt a quick hug and turned to descend the steps.

“Where are you going?” Sylvia demanded as Teresa went down the walk. “Teresa! Don’t you walk away from me.”

Teresa turned to look at her mother. “You know where I’m going.”

“Don’t you dare!” Sylvia said shrilly. “If you leave here now, don’t you dare come back.”

“What is this?” Anita asked, coming down off the porch. Annalisa started crying at the raised voices. “What’s wrong?”

Teresa turned her back and walked to her car, ignoring her mother’s threats and Anita’s demands to know what was going on. The yelling and commotion had brought the rest of the family out onto the porch. Teresa paused to look back. Robbie gave her a nod. Her heart was in her throat as she got in and turned the ignition.
If you drive away now, there’s no going back.
She put the car in first gear and roared away from the curb.

She glanced at her watch and saw that it was nearly eleven. She drove straight to the cemetery. She parked and found her way to Ellie’s mother’s grave. No fresh flowers. She squatted down and plucked away some fallen leaves that had gathered against the headstone.

“I don’t know if you would approve,” she whispered. “I just hope I’m not too late.”

She found a bench nearby and sat to wait. She wasn’t sure how much time had passed when she saw Ellie coming from the direction of her father’s grave. She didn’t see Teresa sitting there. Teresa waited respectfully while Ellie visited with her mother, placing a fresh bouquet of flowers on her grave. Ellie stood and turned around. She stopped when she saw Teresa. Teresa got to her feet.

Ellie approached slowly. “What are you doing here?”

“Waiting for you.” Teresa stood rooted to the spot. “I needed to see you.”

“It’s Easter,” Ellie said.

Teresa nodded.

“What about your family?”

Teresa gave a funny shrug. “I’m not sure that will be an issue after today.” Ellie frowned. “My mother pitched a fit when I left. She knew I was coming to find you.”

Teresa suddenly felt light-headed and had to sit down again. Ellie sat beside her.

“Are you okay?”

Teresa looked at her and tried to smile. “That depends.”

“On what?”

Teresa opened her mouth but no words would come out. She tried again. “On you. I just walked away from my mother. I’m not sure if there’s any going back from that. What I don’t know is if you can forgive me for these past few weeks.”

Ellie took her hand. “There’s nothing to forgive. I know this has been hard on you.” Her voice had a catch.

“Hard on both of us, I think.”

They looked into each other’s eyes for a long moment before Teresa allowed herself to fall into Ellie’s embrace.

“I’ve missed you so much,” Ellie murmured when they parted.

“I have tried calling a few times,” Teresa said, still holding Ellie’s hand.

“Did you? I didn’t dare call you. I was afraid your mother might answer, and I would just make things worse.” Ellie searched Teresa’s face. “I’ve been helping out down at the diner. Louise has had some health issues.”

“Oh, Ellie. I am so sorry,” Teresa said. “Is she okay?”

Ellie nodded. “She’s all right. I’ll tell you more about it later.”

“You must be exhausted,” Teresa said.

“I am,” Ellie admitted with a wan smile. “But I’m learning a lot. I’ve learned how to run payroll and I’m a much better baker now.”

“I can help,” Teresa said.

“Really?”

Teresa’s face fell. “I’m not sure I’ll have a job tomorrow.”

“You just walked away?”

“I had to,” Teresa said. “I couldn’t stand not being with you.”

They sat side by side for a long time.

“What now?” Teresa forced herself to ask at last.

Ellie stood and tugged on Teresa’s hand. “Let’s go home.”

CHAPTER 24

Teresa lay with Ellie’s
back snugged up against her, soft and warm against Teresa’s arm. She turned her head to the nightstand where the framed calligraphy stood—the only other one Ellie had ever made and the only one still in existence. Teresa knew now Ellie had made it for her mother.

Be still and know that I am God…

This psalm had become a touchstone these last three weeks. She hadn’t seen or talked to her mother. Bernie had gone over to collect Teresa’s clothes for her.

“Jesus Christ, Bennie,” she’d said when she arrived at Ellie’s. “I’ve seen your mother pissed over the years, but I’ve never seen her like this. It’s like—”

Bernie stopped abruptly.

“Like I don’t exist?” Teresa said with a tight-lipped smile. “I knew she would be like this.”

“I got all your clothes, but…the framed thing you asked me to get? It was smashed and the paper inside was torn to bits. All over your bed.”

Teresa nodded. She’d expected as much.

“I got this, though,” Bernie said, holding up Teresa’s rosary. “Was she this bad with Robbie?”

Teresa ran the familiar mother-of-pearl beads through her fingers. “It felt like it at the time, because Pop was angry, too. But that was different.”

“Has your father said anything?”

“Not a word,” Teresa said. “I called Pop and told him I could either work the Oakland store, or I’m leaving Benedetto’s to work for someone else. His choice. In his world, if he doesn’t have to talk about it or hear about it, it doesn’t exist. So, I’m working at the Oakland store, Dom is at Morningside, and Gianni is in Bloomfield. He gets to deal with Ma. I can imagine the conversations they’re having.” She heard the bitterness in her own voice and saw the expression on Ellie’s face. “I told you, this is not your fault.”

“I know, but I feel awful,” Ellie said.

Bernie gave a wave of her hand. “My mother tried to kick me out a hundred times when I was young. I’d go stay with Bennie for a couple of days and my mother would call and I’d go back. It’s what we do.”

Ellie didn’t look reassured. Neither did Teresa.

“It’ll be okay,” Teresa forced herself to say. “I won’t give in, but my mother can stay angry longer than Bernie’s. Annalisa may be graduating from college before we’re invited over again.”

“Have you talked to anyone else?” Bernie asked.

“I gave Rob and Karen this phone number. We’re going over there for dinner next Wednesday. Why don’t you come along?”

“I will.” Bernie got up. “I better get home.” She paused at the door and looked back at Teresa and Ellie. “Who would’ve ever guessed that you’d be the real rebel?”

Teresa smiled now in the early morning twilight. Bernie was right. Part of what was making this so hard for her mother was that Teresa had never done anything wrong or rebellious—
Hell, I’d never done anything, period.

Her smile faded. She would never say so to Ellie, but it was weird living with just one other person. Only Sullivan and Bernie had been by a few times. It was so quiet. As much as Teresa had longed for quiet when it was nowhere to be had, it felt strange now, and a niggling doubt had begun to make itself felt—a doubt that made her wonder if she could be happy with just Ellie forever. Forever. That was such a scary word. Could her mother stay angry forever? Would Teresa be forever cut off from everyone else she loved? Robbie and Karen would still see them, but she wasn’t so sure about Francesca. She knew her sister liked Ellie, but she had become more like their mother as she had more kids. And then, there were the aunts. They were as conservative and close-minded as Sylvia about many things. But they were also naïve and innocent when it came to sex, and Teresa didn’t know how explicit her mother might have been about Teresa’s living arrangement with Ellie.

She felt positively sinful. She hadn’t been to church. She had no desire to have another public confrontation with her mother. She could have gone to another mass or a different church, but she hadn’t been to confession—“I have nothing to confess,” she insisted to herself stubbornly—and so wouldn’t have gone to Communion anyhow.

Ellie shrugged when Teresa mentioned this. “You know how I feel about church.” She wrapped her arms around Teresa’s neck. “I’m sure we can find better ways to spend Sunday mornings.”

Teresa was more than willing to spend as much time in bed with Ellie as they could, but there hadn’t been much of that, except for sleeping. She’d been joining Ellie at the diner most evenings after leaving the store, and by the time they got home, they were so exhausted, they’d been asleep almost before their heads hit their pillows.

Ellie stirred and rolled over.

“Hey there,” Teresa whispered. She kissed Ellie on the cheek.

“Is it time to get up?” Ellie moaned, rubbing her eyes.

“It is if we intend to be at the diner before it opens.”

Ellie’s eyes snapped open. “It’s Saturday.”

“You know, if you do decide to manage the diner, you and Louise are going to have to work out who gets what days off. You can’t keep working seven days a week.” Teresa yawned. “And neither can I.”

“Mrs. Bland, your prescription is ready.”

Teresa handed the bag to the cashier and went to fill the next prescription. The Oakland store was completely different from Bloomfield or Morningside. Here, there was no coffee bar, and people didn’t come by to visit. The customers who came by this location were busy, on their way to or from work usually, and needed quick service. Lou had chosen this location, not because it was in an Italian neighborhood, but because it was in a busy section of medical office buildings between the University of Pittsburgh’s Presbyterian Hospital, Magee-Womens Hospital and Children’s Hospital.

“I really like being busier,” Teresa had said to Ellie after her first week working there. It had taken her a while to become accustomed to the layout of the store, and the staff had been a little standoffish at first—“Staff! I’ve never had staff,” Teresa had said with a laugh. “I
was
the staff.” But when they saw Teresa unpacking boxes and restocking shelves, they seemed to have decided she was all right. Even though she was still working sixty to seventy hours a week, the hours flew by.

“Hi, Mr. Benedetto.”

Teresa turned around so fast, she cricked her neck. Lou came by three or four times a week to check on things and take the deposits to the bank, but it still caught Teresa off-guard. There was no eye contact between them as he went back to the office. She continued filling prescriptions until she heard him holler for her.

“Yes?” she said as she went into the office. She couldn’t bring herself to call him “Pop.”

“Everything okay here?” he asked from where he was bent over the ledger.

“Everything’s fine,” she said.

“Anything you need?”

“How’re Francesca and the baby? Is Ana Maria taking it easy? How’s Anita’s blood sugar?”
All kinds of questions about the family nearly burst from her mouth, but she didn’t dare. She had a feeling if she asked, she’d get some kind of response to the effect of “if you care that much, you can apologize and come home”, and she wasn’t going to do that.

“We’re getting low on cash register tape.”

Lou grunted, and Teresa went back to the pharmacy counter. All of her information about the family came from Rob now, and that was limited.

“They’re okay,” he said when she and Ellie were there for dinner.

She’d never realized how closely she kept tabs on everyone before, especially the aunts’ health, but Robbie didn’t know the answers to her questions.

“You could call them,” Karen said, but Teresa shook her head.

She couldn’t. Not yet. Not without knowing what her mother might or might not have said to them.

“They’re fine, Bennie,” Bernie had said to her. “You’d know if they weren’t.”

Teresa nodded, but she still worried. Sometimes she caught Ellie watching her with a guilty expression, and she tried then not to think about them so much.

Lou finished the deposit. Teresa looked up as he exited the office. “Well, I’ll see y’uns in a couple days,” he said to no one in particular.

Teresa watched through the store’s front window as he got into his Cadillac and became aware of a hollow, empty feeling somewhere in the vicinity of her heart.
This was your choice,
she reminded herself as she returned to work.

She looked at her watch a while later. “Time to close up, Sandy,” she called. She locked the pharmacy while the cashier reconciled the register.

“You going to the diner again tonight?” Sandy asked as she counted the drawer.

“Yes,” said Teresa. “Louise’s surgery is tomorrow. I thought I’d go over and help out.”

“Go, then. I’m good here.”

“You sure?”

Sandy glanced up. “I’m fine. I’ll lock up when I’m done.”

“Thanks. Have a good night.” Teresa gathered her purse and drove over to the diner.

“Hi, Julius,” she called to the grill cook as she came in. “Where’s Ellie?”

He glanced up. “She took some sandwiches out. Been a while. Thought she’d be back by now.”

Teresa deposited her purse in the office and went back outside, zipping her sweater against the cool May evening. She had no idea in which direction Ellie might have gone, and began searching the alleys and bus stops near the diner. The few street people she saw said that Ellie had been by offering sandwiches, but they couldn’t say how long ago. There was no sign anywhere of Ellie, and no response when Teresa called. She circled back to the diner, hoping Ellie had returned, but Julius shook his head. Worried now, Teresa headed back out.

“Where are you?” she muttered as she tried to decide which direction to go. She walked several blocks, going toward some seedier sections of the city, afraid to venture too far into the dark alleys and spaces between buildings. She saw no sign of Ellie anywhere. Growing more desperate, she headed toward a small park where a lot of homeless people bedded down for the night. There, she saw a small figure seated on a bench, her knees hugged to her chest.

Teresa nearly ran to the bench. “Where have you been? I’ve been worried sick.”

Ellie wiped tears from her cheeks.

“What’s wrong? Did something happen?”

Ellie shook her head. “Nothing happened. Nothing ever happens. And everything is wrong.”

“What do you mean? What is it?”

Fresh tears flowed from Ellie’s eyes. “Louise is having open-heart surgery tomorrow. What if—?”

“She’s stubborn and strong,” Teresa said. “She’ll be fine.” But would she? Teresa knew how scared she’d be if it was one of the aunts facing such a serious surgery.

Ellie hiccupped. “And there’s never any sign of Daniel. Nobody has ever heard of him. I have no idea if he’s alive or dead. He’s my only family and I have no idea where he is.”

She leaned into Teresa, crying. Teresa held her, wishing there was something she could say to comfort her, but what could be said? How long could someone stay alive if they were on the streets? It had been years since he got out of the army. He could be anywhere. Privately, Teresa had doubted that he’d even come back to Pittsburgh, but she didn’t say so to Ellie. That hope had seemed like a lifeline for Ellie, something she needed to cling to.

“Come on,” Teresa said softly. “Let’s go back.”

Ellie nodded and got to her feet, allowing Teresa to steer her in the direction of the diner. When they got there, Teresa insisted they go home. “Enough for one night.”

KC was waiting for them when they got to the apartment. Teresa fed her while Ellie got ready for bed. When Teresa got into bed, Ellie moved into her arms.

“Make love to me,” she whispered. “I need to feel you.”

Teresa kissed her as Ellie shifted to lie on top of her. Impatiently, Ellie stripped off her top, lifting herself up so that Teresa could get her mouth on Ellie’s hardened nipples. As she sucked them, Ellie straddled her, begging for Teresa’s touch, moving with her as Teresa’s hand slid under her panties to find Ellie hot and wet, ready for her. Teresa nearly came herself as Ellie bucked against her hand. When her orgasm faded, Ellie collapsed against Teresa, crying again.

“Don’t leave me,” Ellie whispered into Teresa’s neck.

Tenderly, Teresa held her. “I won’t. I promise. I’ll never leave.”