Cassie (Adrian's Undead Diary Book 8) (3 page)

Well, to feel like a success despite my largest single failure. I’ve been thinking a lot about Cassie since Mallory and I went splitsville. It’s probably because with no regular sex I’ve been thinking a lot about the sex I’ve had with others. Cassie was the person I had the most sex with… so that makes sense. It also makes sense that I’d be thinking of her more because of the holidays. The last real Christmas I had was with her, and opening presents yesterday made me think of the last time I opened presents. Which made me think of her, and you get the drift.

She’s been on my mind the past couple of days, and I’ve been thinking a lot about how I never went to see her, or find her, or whatever that day. It still haunts me. All these long, hard months later and when I am alone, I go right back to that one big mistake. It's a curse I don't think I'll ever escape, or forgive myself for having made.

I wonder if that was all part of this master plan on the part of… God or whatever. Have Adrian make one huge judgment error so he can survive the apocalypse and become the savior of fucking mankind. Have Adrian make one huge error so he can torture himself when he tries to sleep at night, and when he wakes up and night, and when he eats just one serving of food, alone, yet again. Have Adrian survive so he can lay in a cold bed, alone, listening for noise outside every single night, for the rest of his life.

I guess this will bother me forever. At least when I was fucking Mallory I forgot about it. I wonder if I could talk one of the women here into fucking me regularly so I could squash down these memories and feelings of guilt. Bury myself in passion so I can ignore how I feel on the inside.

I’m also seriously thinking about doing some dangerous outside the wall runs to get the adrenaline flowing more, shake the case of the pussies I had, and to distract myself. All my jogs, and pushups, and sit ups and shit are getting my body back into shape, but they are leaving my mind unoccupied far too much every day.

Sigh. It’s good that I can rant here in the journal. If I shared everything that haunted me I’d ruin every sense of confidence that anyone had in me. Outside of this bedroom and one step away from this laptop I need to be bulletproof. I need to be the man that got shot, and got up like it was a mosquito bite. I need to be the man that doesn’t pull the trigger on a girl because it’s the RIGHT thing to do, and not because he was too afraid to do it.

I need to be stronger. I need to be a… dammit. I need to be a role model.

Ha. There’s the big cosmic fucking joke of them all. Adrian Ring, arrogant, mean bastard, and failure at most-things-in-life, the role model. The leader of men and women, the supposed savior of mankind. If anyone here is the savior it’s Michelle, or even Kevin. Fuck Abby would be a better person for that job than I am.

I’m far too flawed to be a good role model. I feel like I’m faking it every day.

I feel like I’m being far too goddamn melodramatic the day after a pretty sweet Christmas.
 

There have been some interesting developments today. MGR is reporting a slight surge in the undead presence downtown. Previously they’d been seeing perhaps one or two a day, far off in the distance moving about, but for three straight days now they’ve seen as many as twelve a day. They have gotten good at paying attention to the individual undead they are seeing, and keeping detailed notes on them too, so when they say they’re seeing new undead, they mean it. These are NEW faces, brought in or moved about from elsewhere.

Kevin and Mike brought up the attacks on MGR by the living when I was out, and how we never really tracked the last of those people down. We have no idea if they are out there still, or if they are part of a larger group of survivors that we need to be worried about. I'm not worried about the aggression of independent stragglers or bandits. I'm far more concerned about organized groups that are working together against us.

As a result of the increased undead presence near MGR we’re seriously considering adding more bodies there for regular security. We’re restocking MGR early in the New Year, and we’re likely leaving one extra person and adding a few hundred rounds of ammo to their stockpile on hand. Martin is also drafting up ideas to fortify the lower entrances yet again in the event the building is assaulted once more.

Either way, we’re devoting extra time on the video feeds to making sure we’re aware if anything happens there. If they’re hit hard and are unable to radio for help, we want to see it, and respond in force with our QRF.

Hell will have nothing on us.

-Adrian

December 28
^th

Lots to report on here. I’ve inserted myself into the rotation for things to do outside of the wall again, against the wishes of Doc Lindsey, Ethan, and Roger, and it’s nice to get out and get my hands a little dirty again. I haven’t had to pull a trigger yet, but being outside the wall on an operation still gets the blood pumping, and allows me a few moments of fear to try and work down that feeling of paralysis I had the night I almost shot (check that, didn’t shoot) Sylvia.

Yesterday I went for a walk through the woods to the cabin Sylvia’s family died in. We had wanted to remove the wood stove in it since we found her, and that’s what we did. Ethan, back from a long stint at MGR drove the school’s four wheeler with my dead body trailer attached, and myself, Kevin, Blake, and Quan went on foot.
 

It was nice to be on foot patrol again. If it wasn’t for the cold, and the light snow on the ground, and the green forest, it would’ve been exactly like doing a foot patrol in Iraq. I know that sounds completely different, but what I’m really saying is that it FELT the same.

Walking intentionally spaced out, weapons up, Nomex gloves on, fully kitted with body armor and weapons, watching everyone else do the right things at the right time… It felt nice. It felt comfortable. It was dangerous, but with those people at my side, it felt safe. I asked the guys to do a combat breach of the cabin, and we formed a stack like the good old days, and went in for the clear. I felt really rusty doing this with guys that have a LOT more active duty time. They were spot-on precise, far faster than me, and I made a couple minor blunders which didn't help. Kevin assured me they were minor, and not a big deal, but ANY mistake around guys like that seems magnified a hundred times. It came down to me not trusting people, and wanting to point my weapon everywhere. In a room clear, you own the area you're assigned, you don't attempt to do everything. It's how people get shot accidentally.
 

I did feel like I was much more of a part of the team after the breach though. The guys saw me in action for the first time, and I wasn’t a FNG. I held my own enough that they knew they could trust me if the shit went south.

I really needed that for my ego. The go that counts. The ego that needed the boost after getting shot. I really needed to get that look on their faces that they approved of me. I CAN do this. It felt great when I saw it on their faces. I didn’t even know I was fishing for approval from these people, but I certainly was. I could FEEL the relief spread inside me.

Blake was a bit behind, but held his own as well. He’s only just getting back into shape himself, and he came along mostly for engineering smarts on the stove removal. Speaking of which, that went well. The trailer on the four wheeler was large enough and strong enough to hold it, and with our group of terribly manly men, we were able to get it off the wall, and move it out of the run down cabin and into said trailer.

We pulled the entire stove pipe, wall mounts, and the bricks the stove sat on too. It slowed the four wheeler down to a fucking crawl on the way back, but in reality, we were moving at foot speed anyway, so it was a wash. Right now the stove is in storage. We don’t NEED it in any of the buildings right at the moment, so there was no sense in installing it. For some reason I thought we were getting it for Hall D, but they got a stove installed at some point when I wasn't paying attention. For now it’s in the gymnasium near the hydroponics set-up.

What else? Let’s see. While we were out getting the stove, work on clearing the path to the waterfront for the tower resumed. It’s slow going, but steady work. We’re cutting the trees down with chainsaws, dragging them out with the backhoe, and cutting them down to lumber size chunks. It’s a bitch making lumber with the tools we have, but we’re making it work. I’m guessing we have about ten or twelve full days of cutting to go before we are reach the waterfront. Somewhere in there we need to rip up stumps before the ground freezes (that or ignore them until spring), then build the damn tower itself.

That’ll be a motherfucker as the weather turns south on us, which could be any day. So far, this winter has been far milder than last, which is great. We can use every single day of warmer weather we are given.

Oh, and another minor pain in the ass is dogs. Legit dogs. They’ve been skulking around at the gates the past few days as a pack. I guess the video feeds have been accurate. I’d say it was a non issue, but the damn things are barking at us when they see or hear us through the gates. I don’t want all that noise, especially late at night. Now that sounds stupid in my head when I know we’ve been running chainsaws and hacking trees down with axes, but you get my drift. I just don’t want animals drawing in undead.

Plus I fucking hate dogs now. The thought of dogs here inside the walls makes my fucking skin crawl. I’d like to start a holocaust on all dogs taller than the middle of my calf. If it can reach my groin, I want it gone.
 

Yep, I’m a hater. Deal with it.

Not much else to report from the last couple days. School starts again tomorrow for a few days, and campus other than the dogs barking nearby has been quiet. MGR continues to see a slight increase in the amount of dead, which tells us that when we do restock them in a few days, we’re probably going to leave an extra body behind for staffing. I hate to spread ourselves so thin, but additional personnel aren’t exactly around for hiring, and even if they were, our food situation is bad enough as it is.
 

99 problems... right?

-Adrian

December 31
^st

Well here I sit. It’s New Year’s Eve. I’ve had some beer. I may or may not have had an Irish Car Bomb. Or two. Feeling a smidgy tipsy right at the moment here.

I’m in a good mood, mercifully enough. Not too sad, or angry or bitter or nothing.
 

FUCK DOGS dude! They are still hanging out and about, barking their asses off every time they see shit. We need to come up with a plan like, tomorrow and shit to deal with them. Either bring them in and feed them something, or send their asses to doggy heaven.

There’s a question fer ya. Where did the animals go when they died? Are they stuck in the shit other world, or has this affected them at all? Is it effected? I can't remember. Fuck dogs man.

Otis for the win.

I love my cat.
 

He’s chilling on the bed with me right now, not fucking barking. Nor does he eat a lot. We have cat food for him for a year if it doesn’t rot first. Fuck dogs man. My nuts hurt. What would we feed dogs? We didn’t collect dog food all this time. I bet it’s all rotten and shit. We’d have to feed them our food, and fuck that man. We need all of our food.

We need a plan. A good one. One that doesn’t involve me doing shiznat, because all I’d do is head to the top of the wall with my new weapon, and shoot the strays that could bite me in the dick. The small ones can stay, but if they keep barking, I’ll punch them in the dick.

I love beer.

I hope next year is better than this year was. I want less of my friends to die next year. That’s all I want. That’s all I fucking want.

I want my friends to stop dying. That's my New Year's resolution, if anyone is paying attention. I wanna prevent any of my friends from dying.

Cheers to that toast.

-Adrian

January 2012

January 2
^nd

Well. I didn’t get a hangover the other night. Despite my best attempts to the contrary. I definitely saw some folks hanging their heads low the next morning though. I can’t decide whether to praise or curse Kevin and company for raiding a beer distributor in Bangor before coming here. Normally I’d say hallelujah, but from the looks on people’s faces on New Year’s Day, I’d say a curse is more appropriate a reaction.

Having said all that…

As you might imagine, we haven’t been terribly productive here on campus. Today was our first day back to the grind. We have two projects on hand that are taking up the majority of our time and effort. First is the school being back in session. We’ve dedicated a handful of people to running that, and with the kids now doing that all day, we’ve lost a fair amount of our labor force. To attempt to balance the loss of labor, we adjusted the school hours to 11am to 5pm. It’s easier to teach the kids in the dark, rather than in the morning when we have daylight, and can see outside. It’s getting dark at about 4 or 5 every day, so having them start later means they can wake up and work for an hour or two, then go to school. They complain, but they also like eating, and for the most part, we’ve got the kids working with Ollie on the farm with the animals, or with Ryan and Becca on the hydroponics in the gym, so they’re pretty invested. It’s easy to motivate people to work when the results of laziness is hunger.

The other project is the path to the waterfront for the last tower. We started hitting the trees again to clear the way, and I’d guess we have four or five more days to clear the way. We started ripping up stumps today with the backhoe while the tree cutters worked ahead. Good times. With all the branches and leftover wood from this we will be far more comfortable when it comes to wood for the stoves on campus here. I have been paranoid that we will run out of good, dry wood over the winter, and this makes me sleep better at night. Once we get the path clear, and we have enough lumber roughed, we’ll be all set. I am pretty sure we have enough concrete still for the base of the tower too. Remind me to ask Blake or Martin to check on that Mr. Journal. If we don’t, I remember a place I saw on the other side with Gilbert we can hit for a few extra bags. If it's still there.