Carpe Diem (19 page)

“It’s beautiful,” I manage to tell her.

“I’m glad you like it, the girls will be thrilled to hear that,” she tells me.

“Molly, like is not the right word. Love may not even be a strong enough word to express my feelings,” I say, wiping a tear from my cheek.

“Oh, honey, it was our pleasure. We could see how much this meant to you.”

“I think my daughter will cherish this forever.”

I don’t think I will ever be able to top this gift. I know Bryna will be overjoyed and I cannot wait to see her face when she opens it. Next I am off to the grocery store to complete my shopping.

Normally I would never wait until the last minute to avoid the crowds. However, I knew I would need to kill time today. I’m pleasantly surprised that the parking lot is not as full as I expected and manage to get a spot close to the door.

The Christmas music playing over the store speakers puts a smile on my face and I start to sing along as I pick up the items from my list. I offer a smile to those that are brave enough to make eye contact with the crazy lady singing, but to my surprise, most start to sing along briefly as they pass by me. If this was a movie, this is where we would all break out into a dance where everyone is perfectly choreographed. Thank God this is not a movie.

I’m not sure why I am so giddy, I feel alive and ready to take on the world. I suppose I could chalk it up to my excitement about Bryna’s gift, but it feels like it is more than that and I want to share it with the world. Hence the singing and smiling to complete strangers. I’m entering the frozen food section when I see a face I recognize. He is staring blankly into the freezer holding the frozen ready-made pies.

“Kyle?”

He turns his attention away from the frozen pies to see who has called his name.

“Piper, hi,” he says, shocked to see me.

“How are you doing?” I ask.

“Not too bad. Funny running into you here.”

“No kidding. What are you doing for the holidays?” I ask, making idle conversation.

“I’m heading over to my in-laws. They invited me knowing my parents moved to Florida a few years ago.”

“That was nice of them.”

“Yeah, but they told me to bring a pie and I’m having a hard time picking one out.”

“If I can give you some advice, the pies in the bakery are much better, and taste more homemade,” I whisper as if it was a giant secret.

“Of course they are better. I don’t know why I thought a frozen one would be better.” He smiles.

“Because you’re a man,” I joke.

“Oh sure, blame it on the gender.” He chuckles.

“Well, Jack read some article about how some frozen foods might be better for you so he assumed
all
frozen foods were then better. It actually meant he was too lazy to cook when I wasn’t home to do it for him,” I explain.

“My wife used to do all the cooking. I admit I have put on a few pounds and the pizza delivery guy is paying his way through college off my tips,” he says, smiling.

“Oh, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to…”

“You’re fine. Thank you for the pie tip.”

I can see the sadness in his eyes and he almost looks lost. I feel his pain and wish I could do something to help.

“Hey, are you okay?” I ask.

“Yes.”

“Because you don’t seem like you are okay.”

“I’m fine. It’s just the holidays. I thought this year would be better…”

“Do you want to go somewhere and talk?”

“No, it’s Christmas Eve, and I’m sure you have your daughter waiting for you,” he tells me.

I am a little surprised he knows I have a daughter. I do not remember ever talking about her in any of the group sessions, but I must have.

“Actually, she won’t be here until tomorrow, so I’m all yours if you need someone to talk to,” I tell him.

I can see him contemplating and that he wants to say yes, but something is pulling him toward no.

“Come on. There is a coffee shop around the corner, we can go over there and we can just sit and talk.”

“That would be nice,” he tells me.

“I’m telling you, she really thought there was such a thing as mini popcorn kernels in the mini microwave popcorn bags and that is why the bags were smaller.” He laughs.

I’m laughing so hard that we are starting to get looks from other customers.

“Oh, she sounds like she was a wonderful woman,” I tell him as I calm myself.

“She really was,” he agrees.

“I’m sorry I won’t get a chance to meet her.”

“I think she would have liked you,” he tells me as his gaze turns to his empty coffee cup.

“I think had I met her, she and I could have been good friends.”

Kyle seemed to pull back into himself for a moment before responding.

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Of course.”

“How do you deal with the anger?” he asked.

“I’m not sure what you mean.”

“I mean how do you move on past the anger that Jack is gone, or the hate you must feel for the woman that caused his death.”

I was a little shocked by his question as he and I had spent most of the day sitting in the coffee shop sharing stories about Jack and his wife. We never went into the details of how they died. Kyle didn’t seem to want to say her name, I assumed it was some type of coping mechanism so I didn’t ask.

“To tell you the truth, I never dealt with that part of it. It’s still here festering inside me,” I admit.

I don’t think that is what he expected from me. He had been avoiding eye contact until my confession. But then again, I didn’t expect me to say it. It’s not something I had yet admitted to myself.

“You could have fooled me, you seem so happy,” he tells me.

“Well, I am happy. I’m happy that Bryna is still in school and that she did not shut down, I am happy that I have my sister and friends in my life, I am happy for the time I had with Jack. The anger lies beneath my happiness,” I explain.

“Does it ever take over?” he asks.

“Sometimes,” I tell him.

“So how do you control it?”

Now I have a choice—do I let him in on the secret I haven’t been able to confess to anyone else or do I keep it hidden away? I’m not sure it would help him in any way. I’m not sure it helps me or if it is the illusion that keeps me returning to the hospital.

If I choose to tell him, will he think me a nut case? Will he think less of me?

In the end, I choose not to tell him. It’s not a secret I am ready to part with just yet. Maybe one day I will share it with him or someone else, and even though I have not been to the hospital in months, sitting here thinking about it makes me want to go again.

“Lots of ways. I reach out to my friends or my daughter. I remember the good times we had.”

I want to ask him what happened, I want to help him, I just don’t know how. He doesn’t say anything for a long time. I do not try to break the silence, I will let him when he is ready.

“Do you hate her family?” he finally asks.

“Why would I hate her family? I don’t believe I have a reason to.”

“I’m sure you do, you just don’t know it. I envy you for that.”

My heart breaks for him, there is obviously a long and complicated story about the death of his wife. I want to ask him what happened, what is it that keeps him so angry. Maybe I can help, but before I get that chance he interrupts my thoughts.

“I should get going,” he tells me.

“So soon?” I joke, attempting to lighten the mood a little.

“You have wasted enough of your time on me.”

“Kyle, it wasn’t a waste of my time. I enjoyed your company,” I assure him as I lay my hand on his. “Let me give you my number. Just in case you need someone to talk to,” I add.

He offers a small smile and again I see the same struggle I saw in the grocery store.

“You don’t have you use it if you don’t want to, but you will have it in case you do.” I smile.

“Thank you that would be great,” he says.

Kyle walks me back to my car as a gentleman would do and tells me to drive safe. I do the same and wave as I drive away.

I cannot stop thinking about Kyle on the way home. His sadness runs deep and I am not sure how to help him. I feel bad for him. He seems to be taking her death hard, harder than I have ever seen anyone take a death of a loved one before. I am actually starting to wonder if there is something wrong with me. Should I still be that sad? Should I still be wandering around as I did those first few months? Should I be this happy?

I suppose those are the same questions everyone who has lost a loved one asks themselves. When is it too soon to start living again?

With my thoughts running between Jack and Kyle and how I should be feeling, the drive home seemed to take only a moment. I quickly unload the groceries from my car and start prepping our meal for tomorrow. I want the ham to marinate in the honey brine overnight and I want to get some of the snacks ready for the oven in the morning.

Next, I wrap Bryna’s gifts and place them under the tree then carefully fill her stocking. I go ahead and put a few wrapped items in my own stocking for giggles.

After everything is set, I plug in the Christmas tree lights and curl up on the couch to watch
Scrooged
, one of my all-time favorite Christmas movies that I know Bryna will not want to watch.

Bill Murray is about to the meet the ghost of Christmas Present when I feel my eyes getting heavy. I think to myself that I should get my ass off the couch and head up to my bed, but I am
so
incredibly comfortable right here.

I realize that I had fallen asleep on the couch when I am woken by the sound of the floorboard creaking. My first instinct is to jump up and see what or who caused the noise, however, reason takes over and I stay quiet and listen. I almost convince myself that it could be my imagination after not hearing anything for what seemed like an eternity, that is until I hear it again.

I peek open one eye and see that it is still dark out and quickly close it again. My heart is pounding so hard I think it will leap from my cheat, but I manage to listen as I take slow, deep breaths, making it look like I am still sleeping.

CREEEEEEEK

CREEEEEEEK

Okay, someone is definitely in my house. Judging by the direction of the creek, he or she must be close—by the tree would be my best guess. I open my eyes just a sliver to see if I can see anything and manage to make out a shape of a person hunched over the gifts. It is the shape of a man and he is wearing a dark jacket.

What do I do? Do I lie here and hope he leaves? Do I jump up and scream? My phone is in front of me on the coffee table. Do I risk trying to grab it to call the police?

My questions are soon answered when I feel him next to me. I can feel him watching me. When he moves the blanket that was laying next to my legs, my primal need to survive kicks in and I start thrashing my arms and kicking my legs while screaming.

“Don’t touch me. Take whatever you want just don’t hurt me. Just leave now and I won’t call the police!” I scream

“PIPER. Stop, Piper. It’s me, Flynn.”

“FLYNN! What in the giant fuck are you doing here?”

“I’m sorry. You looked cold. I was only going to cover you up before I left.”

“Fine, but what are you doing here, in my house, in the middle of the night?”

“I was hoping to be in and out, I wanted to drop off a few gifts for you and Bryna.”

“You almost gave me a fucking heart attack,” I scold him

“I’m sorry, I thought you would be asleep in your room, not on the couch. I thought that I could sneak in and out without you knowing.”

“Why didn’t you just bring them over tomorrow, you know during the day when I would be, you know, awake?”

“Because I thought it would be fun to play Santa for you guys this year.”

I pause at his words. If it wasn’t such a sweet idea, I would kill him for scaring the living shit out of me. It took me months to get used to the idea of being home alone every night, then a few more months to clear the thoughts of being robbed in the middle of the night without being able to protect myself.