Carbs & Cadavers (12 page)

James conducted two children’s story hours on Thursday, followed by an adult book discussion on Alice Hoffman’s
The Ice Queen
on Friday. During the book club, two of the older women got into a heated argument over who wrote the fairy tale about the Snow Queen, Andersen or the Brothers Grimm. After calmly playing referee to the squabbling women, James was ready to call it a week. He had done the work of three people and he sincerely hoped that the Fitzgerald brothers were creating a float that would make it all worthwhile. Being so busy had kept him from the snack machine, however, so while he had eaten a couple of candy corns, he had stayed away from his beloved cheese puffs for a record-setting five days.

The scale reflected his good behavior on Saturday morning, depicting the loss of an additional three pounds. That made a total of six in two weeks. James had expected more, but he also knew that he hadn’t been 100% true to the food requirements—more like 70%—and he was still not exercising.

Downstairs, Jackson waited at the kitchen table for his breakfast. As James reached up to the pot rack for a frying pan, his father held up a gaunt arm and hollered, “Goddamn it all! You’re
not
makin’ me more eggs! Are you tryin’ to kill me? ’Cause if you are, I’d just as soon you used my Colt to do it.”

James doubted his father’s ancient revolver still worked, but he decided against starting an argument over an old gun. “What would you prefer?” he asked his father as pleasantly as possible.

Jackson’s furry eyebrows creased in thought. A malicious twinkle sparkled in his narrow eyes as he said, “Blueberry pancakes.”

An inaudible moan escaped through James’s lips. He loved blueberry pancakes and his father knew it. “You’re deliberately trying to sabotage me, Pop, but it’s not going to work. I’m going to cook a scrambled egg with mozzarella and salsa and then I will make you pancakes. By then, I won’t even be hungry so I won’t want to eat them.”

“Suit yourself,” Jackson shrugged. He shuffled into the den and turned on the Game Show Network. “Call me when they’re done!” he ordered.

Muttering to himself, James savagely broke one egg after another into the mixing bowl until he had half a dozen eggs ready to be scrambled. Looking at the partially empty egg carton and back to the bowl overflowing with eggs, James cursed.

Driving into town that afternoon, James felt a sense of excitement that he hadn’t experienced since he was a young boy preparing for a night of blissful and greedy candy gathering. James’s mother allowed him to stay out until ten o’clock on Halloween night, or nine if it fell on a school night. She loved Halloween. Every year, she lined the dirt driveway with a dozen jack-o’-lanterns, carved with an array of different expressions ranging from silly to downright fearsome. Jackson always helped with this time-consuming project and although he grumbled about cleaning out the pumpkins, he loved to stand with his wife and son at the end of their road and gaze down at the diverse row of glowing faces.

The jack-o’-lanterns made the Henry house a favorite stop for trick-or-treaters, and once a year, the kids at school found something to praise James for.

“Sweet pumpkins,” they would say, and for a moment, James would feel accepted by the in-crowd. Even in November, the pumpkins continued to draw attention from passersby. The day after Halloween, James and his mother would turn the faces on the pumpkins around and decorate the uncut orange skins with feathers. For the whole month, a line of colorful turkeys flanked the sides of the driveway. By Christmas, the pumpkins were gone and so was James’s popularity with the cool kids. Like Cinderella at midnight, he returned to being the shy bookworm he was for the rest of the year.

Of course, there would be no line of carved faces this year. James hadn’t even bought a pumpkin and didn’t want to pick up any Halloween candy until the very last second, knowing he would be unable to resist eating some. As he got closer to town, he slowed down in order to admire the decorations adorning the houses bordering Main Street. He saw skeletons swinging from low tree branches, cardboard tombstones with glow-in-the-dark epitaphs, figures of witches on broomsticks flattened against tree trunks as if the two had collided, electric eyes peering out of bushes, hairy black spiders creeping along picket fences, and strings of purple lights shaped like bats spiraling up lampposts.

Every storefront in town was decorated for Halloween. Paper ghosts announced special sales in the window of the stationary store, while a line of motorized vampires asked for blood donations as they popped out of their coffins in the bay window of Goodbee’s Drug Store. James slowed down to about 10 miles per hour as he pulled up next to the Sweet Tooth so he could get a good look at the delectable things he wouldn’t be eating this holiday. Fortunately for him, traffic was practically at a standstill as people searched for places to park before the parade got underway.

Megan Flowers had always done a great job preparing her window for each and every holiday. In honor of Halloween, she had draped boxes with orange crepe paper so that a variety of bugs made out of chocolate cakes with licorice stick legs could crawl into the line of sight of even the smallest child. Black widow spider cakes were granted their famous red markings by use of red hots, while a millipede had gumdrops to lend it some colorful stripes. James almost crashed into the car in front of him as he noticed the line of chocolate ant cakes covered with chocolate sprinkles carrying away one of Megan’s famous meringue bones to a hive made of mounded brown sugar. Every Halloween, Megan made trays of “skeleton bones” out of meringue and much to the children’s delight, spattered them with “dirt” (which was really only cocoa powder). It wasn’t truly the Halloween season until the bones went on display inside Megan’s giant plastic cauldron.

James met Lindy and Bennett at their designated spot in front of Dolly’s Diner. Everyone got settled into folding chairs as Lindy showed off Murphy Alistair’s latest headline: IS THE HALLOWEEN PARADE SAFE THIS YEAR?

“Gillian would say that this woman is putting a lot of negative karma out there with this kind of writing.” Lindy slapped at the paper.

“And she’s having the time of her life doin’ it.” Bennett laughed. “That reporter hasn’t had an event this excitin’ since Trent Riggsby’s sow bit the judge’s finger off at the State Fair a few years back.”

“I remember that!” Lindy squealed like the pig in question. “Oh, here comes Lucy. Scoot over a bit, will you,” she asked James, indicating the tiny space between their chairs. “Lucy hasn’t lost
that
much weight yet.”

“Hey!” Lucy greeted everyone and placed her chair in the spot created by Lindy and James.

“Where’s Gillian?” James asked.

“She’s sharing a float with the ladies from Shear Elegance, the hair salon next door to the Yuppie Puppy,” Lucy replied.

James tried to search Lucy’s face for any trace of what she might be feeling after their awkward goodbye the other evening, but she seemed to be exhibiting her customary sunny disposition. At the far end of Main Street the band from Blue Ridge High began playing “The Monster Mash.” The Halloween Carnival had begun.

“Look! Here comes the first float!” Lindy shouted happily.

Dolly’s Diner led the parade of floats. The entire float was shaped like a giant pumpkin pie. Dolly was dressed up as an oversized dollop of whipped cream while Clint, dressed as a giant fork, tossed out coupons wrapped in rubber bands for $1 off any entrée at Dolly’s. As the float went by, everyone clapped and cheered, trying to get Clint to toss them a coupon. Bennett caught one and so did James.

“I feel like I’m ten years old!” Bennett yelled, zealously unwrapping his prize.

“Free stuff brings out the kid in everyone,” Lucy said, pointing at the next float. “Here comes Gillian!”

Like most of the floats, the one Gillian shared was a decorated flatbed trailer drawn by either a car or tractor. Her float, which bore a sign reading “Beauty Queens on Halloween” in glittering purple, included a coven of witches and their dogs. Steaming cauldrons, birdbaths filled with neon potions, and dogs with green-,
purple-, and orange-tinted fur sat at the feet of women with hooked noses and waist-long locks of black hair. Each witch had lime-green talons with which she threw out pieces of Mary Janes to the noisy crowd.

“Why Mary Janes?” James asked Lucy, watching the yellow and red candy wrappers zipping through the crisp air.

“Mary Jane Pulasky is the name of the woman who owns Shear Elegance.” Lucy picked one off of the street in front of her feet. “I’m kind of glad I don’t like these.”

“I do!” Lindy held out her hand. “I may as well tell you, I’m going to eat some candy today. It’s a celebration, after all.”

“Me too.” James agreed heartily.

The next float was sponsored by Blount Realty. It featured a two-story, miniature Victorian with patches of gray paint and purple trim. The house, which had a faded “For Sale” sign posted near the cracked front steps, was clearly haunted. Bare trees with spiky branches led up to a crooked door and cracked glass windows. Ghosts flitted back and forth around the graveyard in back of the house and spooky noises such as high-pierced screams and boards creaking emanated from within. A woman dressed up as a dead Victorian bride tossed marshmallow and peanut butter ghosts out to the throng.

Troy Motors followed the haunted house. Instead of a float, their entry was an antique black car, just like the bizarre vehicle used in the TV show
The Munsters.
The car was complete with a curtained “coach” section where Lily and Marilyn Munster sat waving as their show’s theme song played from speakers hidden inside. The car even had the red leather jump seat in the back, in which Eddie and Grandpa Munster sat, hurling chocolate vampires to the back rows of bystanders. Herman Munster (also known as Bradford Troy of Troy Motors) drove the hodgepodge on wheels, blasting a comical horn and pretending to drive off of the road as he turned around to blow kisses to his Munster wife.

Right behind the Munsters was the float designed by Megan and Amelia Flowers for the Sweet Tooth. Gasps and exclamations of delight from the children preceded the float well before it clearly came into view. The entire float was a mammoth trick-or-treat bag, which was being dumped out so that its contents spilled everywhere. However, the scale of the treats was giant-sized. Candy bars the size of ladders hung suspended in mid-fall, sticks of gum as large as mailboxes littered the floor of the float, and candy corns the size of beach balls dangled in space, with the help of invisible wires, as they waited for time to begin moving forward again. On one side of the float, Megan Flowers, dressed as an angel, threw out toothbrushes and dental floss to a chorus of boos. Amelia, dressed as a sexy devil in a skin-tight Lycra suit, tossed out fireballs and swung her tail in a flirtatious circle. Every motion she made charged the air with sexual electricity. She coyly posed with her pitchfork and blew playful kisses to the handsome young men watching her with slack-jawed expressions.

“Get a load of Amelia!” Lindy exclaimed. “She always turned the boys’ heads in school. You can see why.”

James and Lucy both stared at Amelia’s long and shapely legs, tiny waist, and high, firm breasts. Her red cat suit had a plunging cleavage and showed the perfect roundness of her buttocks as she reached into a papier mâché fire pit in order to grab another handful of fireballs.

“And she works in a bakery, too. It’s just not fair,” Lucy muttered under her breath.

Several other floats passed them by. Goodbee’s Drug Store featured a mad scientist float with bubbling potions and a group of children modeling the Halloween costumes for sale at the store. Home Doctor, the town’s home superstore, the very one that put Henry’s Hardware out of business, featured a pumpkin field with enormous glowing jack-o’-lanterns bobbing up and down in time
to “Bad Moon Rising” by Credence Clearwater Revival. Above the pumpkins, a scarecrow waved a pair of mechanical arms and laughed maniacally.

At long last, the library float came into view and when James saw it, his eyes widened with wonder. Pulled along by an old pick-up truck, the Shenandoah County Library float was entitled “The Magic of Words.” The Fitzgerald Brothers had created several books the size of small cars. Standing on top of one of the open books was the Headless Horseman from
Rip Van Winkle
. The fearsome rider, astride a real black horse, held a menacing jack-o’-lantern in the crook of his arm as he pointed an accusing finger at the townsfolk. On top of another book was the monster from
Frankenstein
. James certainly hoped that the misshaped and stitched figure was a dummy as bolts of electricity seemed to be jolting the figure right off of its metal lab table. The last book was what excited the crowd the most. Standing upward, so that people behind the float could read the title on the spine as well as on the front cover, the text was the much beloved
Harry Potter
. On top of the pages, Francis had dressed himself as Harry and sat astride a broomstick. Waving to the cheering masses, he flew in an arc around the book, dispensing Tootsie Pops as he pretended to chase the Golden Snitch.

Bennett caught one of the candies in mid-air and it was then that James noticed tiny pieces of paper wound around the lollipop sticks. Apparently, each lollipop came with a recommended read for those who “dared to be scared,” as the slips’ text challenged.

“What book did you get?” Lucy asked, holding out an orange Tootsie Pop.