Captive (16 page)

Famous last words…If I’d have known I was going to be in sitting in the waiting room of Clearwater Urgent Care Centre half an hour later I would’ve…I don’t know what I would’ve done. I can guess, but that’s all it would be. A guess. Much like the guessing games we’re playing while sitting waiting for information on Adelyn’s status. I fucking hate not knowing, and I hate fucking games. My rule of thumb is; if I can’t plan it out, if I don’t know all the logistics, the risks, what’s the worst that could happen I’m not getting involved end of story. I’ve seen too much shit happen to people that haven’t had that kind of forethought, bad shit, and I didn’t ever want to be one of them.

But in this situation there’s nothing I
can
do
but
wait, and it’s killing me. Fucking slowly, and fucking painfully. Knowing she’s hurting, that she’s alone, and probably scared out of her mind is tearing me apart. The fact that she’ll be told she’s lost another baby, this one further along, one she’d seen on the ultrasound is going to break her heart, and mine along with it. I hate I can’t be back there with her, that I can’t support her through this. My brothers have assured me she’s in good hands, and they’ll do everything they can to save her, but excuse the fuck out of me for not believing a goddamn word of it.

Adelyn’s suffered so much loss, endured agony most people will never see in two lifetimes that I don’t see how she can make it out the other side of this, let alone come out of it okay. All I know is she doesn’t deserve this. She doesn’t deserve to have yet another scar on her already fragile heart. And she definitely doesn’t deserve to learn how to cope with devastation all over again.

The phone call was from Trig. Apparently he gave Adelyn a lift home after she said she wasn’t feeling well. Basically the story goes; they got food, he took her home, and she invited him in, from what he tells me the first time since he’s been watching her, to eat. Ten minutes into eating she excused herself, and after she didn’t come back for more than twenty minutes Trig went looking for her. Just thinking about how he found her has me reaching for the wastepaper basket beside me vomiting nothing but bile. I don’t give a fuck if my brothers, my son, or all the women in the room see me as weak, see me breaking apart, my body is rebelling at the thoughts raging through my head, and there’s not a damn thing I can do to keep it under control.

From what we can piece together using what Trig’s told us and the rest from the police that were first on the scene, Adelyn went to the bathroom and was washing her hands when the intruder grabbed her from behind. How he got in the house with Bax on guard, Trig in the living room, and the state of the art alarm system she had installed, which Trig assured me was armed, is beyond me, but he did.

The mystery of why Bax didn’t alert Trig to the danger was solved when the police searched the house after the paramedics left with Adelyn in tow.  They found Bax dead in the guest bedroom, the poor dog didn’t go quietly either. He was pretty torn up from what I’ve been told, so I gave the order to have him buried out the back of the clubhouse as soon as the scene is released.

She doesn’t need to know how bad it was, the details don’t matter because there’s sure as fuck no bringing her dog back, so she’ll just have to rest easy in the knowledge that we took care of him the best we could. The rest is hazy, and seeing as Adelyn hasn’t woken up yet, there’s a good chance we’re going to have a long wait ahead of us before we get any answers. That’s the part that’s killing me, the wait. The lack of information I can deal with, even if it does go against everything ingrained in me, but the waiting is akin to torture.

Before I can get up and start pacing a doctor in pale green scrubs, wearing a surgical mask hanging around his neck emerges from behind the automatic double doors leading back to the theatres.

“Family of Adelyn London?” He asks looking between us all.

There’s a clear division in the room, one I’m not sure will be able to be breached after today. The lines have been drawn with Devil’s Spawn on one side, and Vengeance on the other. Honesty, I don’t give a fuck about holding anything against them, as long as Adelyn is okay whatever happens later happens.

I see Boss, Diesel, and Emily make a move, but I’m quicker. And they’ve got to know this was coming. There’s no way it’ll be anyone else’s face she sees when she first wakes up. Only mine.

“Yeah, I’m her old man. How is she? Is she doing alright?” Yeah I lied, so sue me. When I got here they told me only family was allowed to wait back here, everyone else had to stay in the emergency department waiting area, fuck that, so I did what I had to and told them that I’m her old man. Boss goes to say something, but a stern look and shake of the head from Diesel has him snapping his jaw shut, and grinding his teeth.

Behind me my brothers from the club stand offering silent support. Beside me to my left is Billy, and Sampson’s on my right giving me the strength to hear whatever comes next. Or at least they think they are. If anything happens to her, if I lose her, there won’t be a single soul that’ll be able to contain my wrath and they know it. I half think they’re next to me for everyone else’s protection just as much as they’re here to support me.

Clearing his throat the doctor speaks slowly, but only loud enough for me, Billy, and Sampson to hear. That isn’t a promising sign, if it was good news, only good news he wouldn’t give a shit who heard.

“Ms. London was brought to us in critical condition, it was touch and go there for a while, we lost her twice on the table, but thankfully we were able to shock her back into sinus rhythm. She’s resting comfortably in the ICU at present.” Shaking his head sadly he says, “Unfortunately due to the location of the stab wounds, the amount of blood loss, and the pre-existing HELLP diagnosis we weren’t able to save the baby.”

The air rushes out of my lungs on a sharp exhale, and it’s all I can do to keep standing with the help of the men beside me. I can hear sobbing in the background, obviously everyone moved closer without me noticing, but I can’t bring myself to care that they know. All I can think is that our baby is gone, it’s been taken from me before I even got the chance to hold it. I don’t even know if it was a boy or girl. What kind of father doesn’t know that?

I feel like I’m in a tunnel; a dark, long, endless tunnel filled with pain and despair. I didn’t get a chance to make things right with Adelyn before this happened, and I didn’t get a chance to hear my baby’s heartbeat for the first or last time. Numbness encroaches, but I stave it off and let the doctor finish what he started. I wished I hadn’t. I wished I’d let the blissful void take me.

“Furthermore, to control the bleeding and ultimately save Ms London’s life, we had to remove the uterus which had been perforated in the attack. I’m very sorry sir, but the damage was too complete, and along with the previous scarring it made the organ too weak for us to try and repair it. It was safer for her to have the uterus removed. I assure you she will make a full recovery given rest, and time for her body to heal. She will need some help around the house for a month or so, and it would be best if she saw a grief counsellor when she feels up to it, but other than that she should be okay to go home in the next few days. If you give us time to get her settle, and let this last bag of blood transfuse we can take you to see her, one at a time.”

There are times in life when shit gets so overwhelming you don’t have a choice but to shut down, it’s an involuntary coping mechanism, nature’s way of saying you’ve had all you can handle. A system overload of sorts. So that’s what I did, I shut down. I shut everyone out, closed myself off to the world, and refused to accept the reality our baby was gone. Oh, my brain knew all right, but my heart hadn’t got the message yet. If I thought the pain and heartbreak I went through when I lost Ryan was bad, I was wrong. So very wrong.

Everything about that period of my life was wrong. From the minute I saw Adelyn laying in that hospital bed to now, three years later, not one fucking thing went right, and I had no one to blame but myself. Why everything went downhill fast, went horribly wrong can be put down to the way I retreated in to my head. But none of that matters now, and truthfully, it didn’t matter then either. The time is long past for me to change the way I reacted to the news. I can’t go back and change the past, and even if I could I think the pattern would repeat itself anyway. I’ve got a lot of regrets about the weeks that followed Adelyn’s release from hospital, the least of which being that we haven’t spoken since, not once. Not for her lack of trying either, because she did, she tried desperately to get me to talk to her, but I turned her down flat every time. I wasn’t ready then, and I don’t think I ever will be. Losing our baby isn’t something I want to discuss with anyone, let alone the woman I failed so spectacularly.

Thinking back on what I should’ve done comes easily. I should’ve been there for her, held her hand, rubbed her back, and comforted her when she needed it. But no, I was a selfish bastard, focused completely on how hard the loss affected me, as if I was the only one hurting. What I didn’t realise was that while I was licking my wounds, wallowing in grief, time was passing at warp speed, and Adelyn was losing great big pieces of herself. Pieces someone else ultimately ended up picking up and putting back together.

              Today’s supposed to be the happiest day of my life, well that’s what they say anyway. What it actually is, is a crossroad. I have to decide if I’m going to do the right thing, or if I’m going stay true to the selfish fucker I’ve become and follow through with it anyway. Being faced with the choice between what will make me complete, but in the end is destined to self-destruct shattering me into a million pieces isn’t for the weak. In fact, I’m going to need all the strength I have to make it to the end of today whole.

Three years ago last week marked the worst day of my life. It was the day I failed at the one job I was given, and it nearly cost me the life of the woman I’ve come to love more than anything else in the world. More than the MC. More than my Ma. More than Life. That’s the kind of love I have for Adelyn, and that’s what’s making this decision so hard to make.

If I could do it all over again, alter the events of that day, I wouldn’t change a thing. Because even though I nearly lost Adelyn that day, it was also the day I found out how much she’d come to mean to me. It might sound fucking ridiculous to some people, admitting that I’d let Adelyn come that close to death only because I’d get a chance to love her, but it’s the way it is, and I can’t say I give a fuck what anyone else thinks anyway.

I wasn’t in love with her back then, my life didn’t revolve around her like she was the sun, but I knew she was important to me, far more important than being just a woman I was sent to watch out for. I can’t tell you when that feeling developed into more, probably because it happened slowly over time. The feelings crept in, wound around my heart, and took root. It was a gradual thing I hadn’t planned on happening, and in the beginning I didn’t even know if I wanted it to. But by the time I realised feeling had developed it was too late. I was already madly in love with her.

Over the two years that followed Adelyn’s brush with death we went from friends, to friends with benefits. We never had a traditional labelled relationship, but we were together and exclusive as far as everyone else was concerned, a point I hammered home often. So when I asked her to marry me after being all but officially together for a year, and she said yes, it shouldn’t have come as a shock but it did.

In all honesty I wasn’t expecting her to say yes. I was expecting her to turn me down, maybe even tell me I was an idiot for asking in the first place, but she didn’t, she agreed to be my wife, letting me slip the two carat diamond solitaire on her finger without changing her mind, or offering a hint of protest.

It sounds fucking stupid, but I was a little disappointed when I didn’t see any of the old defiance and fire in her eyes. No challenge, no questions as to why I was asking her, why I wanted to marry her. Nothing. Not that it came as a surprise, it didn’t. Her fire had died out the day she was attacked, and I was still at a loss how to bring it back. But it would’ve been nice to see something, anything other than the distant look, and fake smile she plastered on her face for everyone when she was trying to convince them she was okay. That look wasn’t only for others, it included me to, and I hated it. I hated the look of defeat, and devastation hiding behind her eyes in plain sight. I fucking hated it. But there was nothing I could do to erase it, I tried.

There’s only been a handful of times I’ve seen a glimpse of the woman she once was, and that’s when we’ve crossed paths with Reaper every so often. They don’t speak, not even a hello, but when they catch sight of each other something sparks in Adelyn’s eyes. It’s fleeting but it’s there. I’d miss it if I wasn’t paying attention to every little detail about her, it’s there one second and gone the next, but it’s unmistakeable. She still loves him.

I almost wished she hated me as much as she did him, that I’d treated her the same way he had, because maybe then I’d get that part of her too. Maybe I’d get the love that she seems to be reserving only for him. Sure, she gives me her body, trusts me to protect her, even after my fuck up where she almost lost her life, and she’s even happy to play the role of my best friend, but the rest of our relationship is lacking, and I’m man enough to admit it.

We’re comfortable with each other to the point she knows everything about me, she listens to every word I say, but the passion isn’t there. The spark between couples that have so much desire for each other it’s palpable, you could cut the air it’s so thick. Yeah, that we don’t have.

I could overlook that, or lack thereof if I thought there was a chance in hell she’d come to love me half as much as I love her, but realistically I don’t think that’s in the cards for us. Don’t get me wrong, Adelyn loves me, she says as much, but she’s not in love with me. She loves me the way you love a friend, your best friend, but she doesn’t love me the way a woman loves the man she’s going to marry and spend the rest of her life with. And that right there is what’s making this decision so hard for me.

The man that holds the part of my fiancée’s heart that I want desperately to claim for myself is the one man fucking selfish enough to keep it. All he needs to do is talk to her, absolve her from the guilt that’s eating her inside, and she could be mine, truly mine. But he won’t. No matter how many times she’s tried contact him, going as far as to write him letters that get returned unopened, sending texts that don’t get replies, and making call after call that all go unanswered, Reaper still won’t give her the one thing she needs. Closure. Until he does I know I don’t stand a chance with Adelyn, not a real one anyway. And that’s all I want, a chance.

Knowing all this you’d think I would’ve called this off weeks, hell months ago, but I didn’t. I held out hope Reaper would do the right thing, because he sure as fuck knows what today is. And he knows what he needs to do because he’s been told to talk to her before she walks down the aisle to meet me by more than just me, but all the brothers in the club, and a few of the old ladies too. He’s refuse each and every time. And that refusal is why I find myself knocking on his door only hours before I’m due to get married to the woman I can see myself spending the rest of my life with. Because I’m dumb enough not to be able to leave well enough alone.

When the door opens Reaper eyes me with a look that’d have most men pissing themselves. Me, not so much. I’ve become immune to his shit over the years since I got together with Adelyn.

“What the fuck do you want? Thought you had something better to do today.” He sneers.

He’s right I do, and still I find myself here hoping I’m not wasting my breath.

“Damn right I do. I’ve got a gorgeous woman waiting on me, and a preacher ready to do the service, all that’s missing is the rest of the woman who’s four hours off becoming my wife. So if you’ll hand it over I’ll go, and you’ll never have to speak to me again.”

The man’s not stupid, he knows exactly what I’m talking about, and he knows it’s not his to keep. He’s well aware he’s holding the other half of my woman’s heart, and dammit, I want it. I might never have had it to begin with, but I damn well want it now.

You’d have to be an idiot not to realise Reaper’s in love with my woman. Shit, even an idiot could see it, but whatever the reason for him not acting on it is his fucking problem, he’s had his chance. And to be blunt, I’m not here to play counsellor to a middle-aged man in need of a good ass kicking.

“Yeah, and what makes you think I’ve got the power to give it back even if I wanted to, which I don’t?” Jesus. What an asshole. I mean, I knew he wasn’t going to make this easy, but he doesn’t have to make it harder either. Leaning against the doorframe he asks gruffly, “I don’t get it brother, you’ve gotta know she’s not yours, never has been. It’s been years, and I’m willing to bet you still can’t get her to scream your name.”

I knew this would happen too, that he’d play dirty.

Reaper's always been a smug bastard, but this takes the cake, even for him. Years have come and gone, shit's changed, but in his mind though it's like nothing's happened. Like the last three years never existed. I've left this day too long, I never should have waited until the day of, but something always kept me away. Whether it was the hope Adelyn would get over the past and move on, or whether it was because I thought deep down somewhere inside him Reaper would grow a conscience, man up, and talk their issues out I don't know, but whatever the reason this has been a long time coming. I’m not backing down now that’s for sure.

From the look he's giving me Reaper knows this should have gone down a long time ago too, he’d have to be a fucking moron not to. His jaw's set, his fists are clenched, but underneath all that I can see the stark fear. The realisation that he's going to lose the opportunity to have any part of the woman we're both in love with. And yeah, I know he loves her, I have the entire time I’ve been with her.

It isn't a secret, he's probably always loved her in one way or another. He's just too fucking stubborn to recognise, or acknowledge it. Like I said, rock meet hard place. We both love the same woman, and I know that I can make her happy if she’ll let me, but without Reaper letting her go, I won’t get that opportunity.

I mightn't have grown up hard the way some of my brothers have, but my life before the MC sure as fuck wasn't sunshine and lollipops either. My mom was a stay-at-home mom with OCD, and hard core perfectionist tendencies. My dad learned to live with her quirks, as he called them. We, my sister and I, just called her insane.

Neither Lila, my sister, or I could wait to get out of the house. Mom was obsessed, and detail orientated when it came to any speck of dirt, and having two teenagers in the house made every day stressful for her. In a way I felt sorry for her, I hated that she suffered because of her disorder, and even though Lila and I tried to be as clean and tidy as possible, it would never be to her standards. Eventually we gave up. It was too much effort for very little reward, and some days it felt like us trying made it worse anyway.

Moving out, and finding the MC, making sure my sister who's two years younger than me was settled and happy was my main focus for a good few years. Freedom was something we both needed, and both found, just in different places. We both still visit mom and dad, but those visits are difficult, and to be honest they drain my energy like nothing else, so I keep them to the bare minimum, say twice or three times a year.

My parents have met Adelyn and they love her. It took a while for my mom to accept her hair, her tattoos, and the fact that she is so reserved with them, but in the end they hit it off. My dad on the other hand loved her immediately. I don't know what it is about her, but something in her calmed him, made him at ease in her presence. I asked him about it once, all he said was, “She’s a tender soul, and that makes her precious boy. It makes an old man soft.” We never talked about it again, but I could see why he would think that, because she is, a tender soul that is.

Come to think of it, Adelyn has that effect on most men. I don't know if it's her being petite, or her looking a little lost and a whole lot broken that does it, but I've noticed that men seem to gravitate toward her where ever she goes. It’s infuriating, being her man and watching bastards stare at her, but I learned to reel it in as much as I could.

Clearing his throat, Reaper speaks with a hint of sarcasm in his voice,

"You've gotta know this shit isn't going to last, right? It's going to be a cold day in hell before Adelyn is going to open up to you, give you everything she has to give. I thought better of you, you know? I never figured you for a brother that would settle for someone else's cast offs." He doesn’t have an edge to his voice, it’s factual, and I can’t help questioning whether he’s right. Have I settled too? I know Adelyn feels she has, but have I?

I recognise he's trying to goad me, trying to make me do something that will give him free reign to kick my ass. What the asshole doesn't know is that I'm prepared for that. Not the ass kicking, because that's not going to happen, but I came prepared to hear a whole lot of shit from him. If nothing else that's all he's got left. A lot of empty words, and a fuck ton of bitterness.

"That maybe so brother, but let me ask you this; if you had what I do, and mark me I've got her alright, what would you do? Would you give up the chance at having someone like her in your life? Give up the sweet, beautiful woman you get to come home to everyday just because some bitter asshole wanted to keep his fucking options open? That's not me, Reaper, and if you thought it was you're fucking delusional."

Taking a step forward, Reaper curls his hand around the door frame glaring at me.

"No, I fucking wouldn't give that shit up, but I also wouldn't have a woman in my bed, a woman so fucking perfect it's hard to breathe around if I didn't have all of her either. You might be happy to take what she's offering, but there's not a chance in fuck I would. That's where we're different I suppose. I wouldn't settle, ever. And between you and her, you're both settling and you fucking know it. If that’s what you want, to be with a woman that won’t ever be able to see past me for you then that’s your business, but you’re the fucking delusional one if you think you’ve got a hope in hell I’ll give up the only part of her I’ve got left. Because brother, that’s just plain not gonna happen."