Can't Wait to Get to Heaven (27 page)

Ask Me No Questions

6:47
AM

M
acky waited until a few days after she was home to broach the subject of the gun with Aunt Elner. On the fourth morning, they were sitting on the back porch as usual watching the sun come up, having coffee, and talking before he went to work.

Elner was saying, “There was the prettiest sunset last night, Macky, it’s getting later and later. Pretty soon we will be able to sit out until seven-thirty. I didn’t come in last night until a little past seven.”

“Oh yeah, summer is definitely on its way.” He then looked over at her and said, “Aunt Elner, did you know that there was a gun in your dirty-clothes basket?”

“There was?” she said as innocently as possible.

“Yes, you know darn well there was.”

Elner looked out into the backyard at the cat who was stalking around. “I think old Sonny is getting fat, don’t you?” she said, trying to change the subject. “Look at him, he just waddles anymore.”

“Aunt Elner,” Macky said, “you’re busted so you might as well tell me where it came from. Luther said it wasn’t his. Was it Uncle Will’s gun?”

She didn’t answer for a while, then said, “Macky, all I can say is, ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no lies.”

“Aunt Elner, this is serious. Now listen, I didn’t tell Norma it was a real gun, I covered for you.”

“Thank you, honey,” she said.

“You’re welcome, but you need to be honest with me. I need to know where that gun came from.”

“All I can say is that it wasn’t Will’s gun.” She looked up at the ceiling. “I’m gonna have to take a broom to those corners, look at those spiderwebs.”

“So, you’re not going to tell me where it came from.”

“Honey, I would if I could.”

“All right, just tell me this then. You haven’t done anything you shouldn’t have, you haven’t shot anybody, have you?”

She laughed. “What a question. Good heavens.”

“Well, wherever it came from, it’s long gone now. I took the damn thing out and threw it in the river. You know I have never fussed at you before, but I love you too much to take a chance on you hurting yourself or somebody coming in here and finding it and shooting you with it.”

She sat there looking chagrined. “Where in the river?”

“Never you mind where, just promise me that from now on you will keep away from guns.”

“OK. I promise.”

He felt bad he had to be stern with her and walked over and kissed her. “Well, all right then, let’s just forget about it, OK?”

“OK.”

“I’ve got to go to work. I love you.”

“Love you too,” she said.

She had learned a lesson that day that very few people on earth have a chance to find out firsthand and after the fact. When you are dead, people go through all your things, so if you have anything you don’t want found, you better get rid of it before you go!

Elner hated not being able to tell Macky what he wanted to know, but she had certainly never stolen anything or killed anybody. True, she may have been guilty of hiding and withholding evidence from the police, but what the heck. Besides, some people just needed killing. She remembered when her husband, Will, had had to shoot a rabid fox. Nobody is happy about it, you hate to do it, but you have to protect your chickens, and you can say self-defense until you are blue in the face, but sometimes it just doesn’t work. She periodically asked herself if she had it to do over again, would she? The answer was always yes, so her conscience was clear. Besides, Raymond hadn’t said a word about it, so she figured she was home free on that count.

Beauty Shop

8:45
AM

A
fter things settled down a little, Norma was able to get back to normal again, and on Wednesday morning she was back in the chair at Tot’s Tell It Like It Is beauty shop having her hair rolled up, and listening to Tot say the same old things she had been saying over and over again for the last twenty years.

“I tell you, Norma, I’m so sick of all these whiners saying how society made them into criminals. My hind foot. Being poor is no excuse to rob people. Hell, I was poor, I pulled myself up by the bootstraps; you know what I came from, Norma, just plain trash and you didn’t see me run out and rob people…and there’s no shame anymore. People will just come right out and tell how they cheat on their taxes, and are proud of it! And when they film all those people on television looting, they just smile and wave at the camera. And if they do get caught, they get a free lawyer, and hot and cold social workers telling them they are victims of society, boo-hoo, and aren’t responsible for their behavior. And don’t tell me there are no jobs out there. Anybody can work if they want to. Dwayne Junior thinks he’s too good to get a job. He sits at home on welfare and his disability, while his sister and me work our fingers to the bone. Even his sorry, no-good daddy worked. Granted, it was only between drunks, but at least he made an effort.” Tot took a drag off of her nonfiltered Pall Mall. “Poor James, as much as he aggravated me to death, I hated that he ended up like that. The last time Darlene and I heard from him he was living in some old flophouse hotel. A couple of months later he died in the lobby watching reruns of game shows. Died watching
The Price Is Right.
He had a bad beginning and a bad end. He was no Prince Charles but he was human, I guess, and he was not a whiner. I’m so sick and tired of all the whining and bellyaching about stuff that happened in the past, and God help you if you happen to be a white person, you can’t say a thing without somebody jumping down your throat calling you a racist. Everybody’s so damn sensitive anymore, you have to tiptoe around everything. Those Political Correctors are lurking in every corner just waiting to pounce…. Next they’ll be making us sing, ‘I’m dreaming of a multicolored Christmas.’ I tell you, I’m scared to open my mouth anymore and voice an honest opinion.”

“Oh, if that were only true,” thought Norma as Tot continued her weekly tirade.

“Like that time that black girl came in here looking for a job. Norma, you know I don’t need anybody, I can barely afford to pay Darlene as it is, and I told her so, in a nice way too, but the next thing I know, she’s calling me not only a racist but a homophobe! How was I supposed to know
she
was a
he
? I remember when this whole stupid thing started, everybody that had a black jockey boy statue had to paint them white, do you remember?”

Norma nodded. She did remember. Her mother had refused to paint her jockey boy and someone had knocked its head off.

Tot continued, “It’s not my fault I’m not a minority. And how about my rights? I don’t see anybody standing up for me. I pay my taxes and I don’t expect anybody to take care of me, but do I complain?”

“Every week,” thought Norma, but she said nothing.

“Anyhow, all you hear on TV is how bad white people are. Frankly, Norma, I don’t know whether I’m a racist or not anymore. I hope not, but I don’t know why I even bother to worry. They say we are all going to be speaking Spanish in the next five years anyway. It used to be just black and white, but now it seems like the whole world’s gone some sort of brown color. Speaking of that, have you seen the bathtub Madonna the Lopez family has in their front yard?”

“No. What’s a bathtub Madonna?”

Tot laughed. “Well, they took an old claw-foot tub, turned it sideways, and buried it halfway in the ground. Then they painted the inside of the tub blue and stuck a statue of the Blessed Mother in it.”

Norma cringed. “Oh my God, and it’s in the front yard?”

“Yeah,” said Tot, taking another drag off her cigarette. “But it’s kinda pretty, really. You know those Mexicans are artistic, you have to say that for them. He keeps that yard as neat as a pin.”

That afternoon Norma thought that Tot might be right. Things were changing right there in southern Missouri. Where it used to be mostly Swedes and Germans, more and more nationalities were moving in, and when Norma had walked up to Aunt Elner’s porch that morning, the radio had been blaring Mexican music out into the yard. Aunt Elner had tuned in to some new Spanish station from Poplar Springs.

“Why are you listening to that?”

“What?”

“That Spanish station?”

“Is that what it is? I wondered, I thought maybe it was Polish.”

“No, honey, it’s Spanish.”

“Well, whatever it is, I like it. I don’t understand what they are saying but the music is real cheerful and happy, don’t you think?”

Thank - You from Cathy

2:18
PM

T
he male nurse who had informed Gus Shimmer about the potential lawsuit against the hospital was very disappointed when Gus Shimmer informed him that the old lady’s niece would not sue. He had hoped to make a lot of money on his cut of the settlement, but he figured out another way he might be able to get something for his information. He picked up the phone and called his friend and got the number of a tabloid newspaper that would pay for stories of an unusual nature, and he had one.

That afternoon Norma had run into the Piggly Wiggly supermarket to pick up a few things to bring over to Aunt Elner’s house for Easter dinner, and was at the checkout counter when she glanced over and saw the headline on the front page.

MISSOURI FARM WOMAN, DEAD FOR FIVE HOURS SITS UP AND SINGS STAR SPANGLED BANNER!

Norma felt herself starting to faint and sat down on the floor before she hit the ground. Thankfully Louise Franks and her daughter Polly happened to be in line behind her and helped her up. The manager came over and they took her to the employee bathroom and sat her down on a chair and gave her a glass of water. When she could talk, she grabbed Louise’s hand and said, “I knew it. We’re ruined. We’re probably going to have to move out of the country now.” She wailed, “There goes my daughter’s career!” and sat sobbing in the chair. When Louise came back to the bathroom with the paper, and showed Norma the large photograph of the woman on the front page, she was thrilled to see the woman in the photo was NOT Aunt Elner!

After the male nurse had called in the story, the reporter from the tabloid assigned to cover it had called the local paper trying to get all the details, and had informed Cathy Calvert that she was willing to pay a lot of money for any cooperation Cathy could offer. After hearing the amount of money the woman was offering, Cathy had quickly and happily agreed to supply her with not only a story but a photograph of the woman as well. All the reporter had to do was agree to change the name of the woman and the town, and Cathy would give her the information for free. The reporter didn’t care about exact details or the validity of her sources. After all,
The Inquiring Eye
wasn’t
The New York Times,
and the reporter didn’t mind getting paid for work she did not have to do. Not only that, the gal wrote a hell of a good story to boot. That part about the old lady’s claiming she had been transported to another planet where all the women looked just like Heather Locklear was a great touch!

Finally after all these years, Cathy had found a way to pay Elner back for loaning her the thousand dollars. She had also spared Elner and the town from being overrun with all the crazies and the curious. The woman in the photo on the front page was Cathy Calvert’s grandmother on her father’s side, Leona Fortenberry, who had been dead for years, and had stayed dead as far as Cathy knew.

Norma recovered and went home, but in the excitement she forgot her sack of groceries. She was too embarrassed to go back and get them.