Can't Touch This (30 page)

Ryder:
Guess we better discuss the rules in the morning
.

Me:
I guess.

Ryder:
Ves?

Me:
Yes?

Ryder:
I’m really, really looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. I’ve missed you
.

Me:
I swear you say things like that to keep me in a permanent state of puddle-like infatuation.

Ryder:
I like you in a puddle. It means I made you wet.

Me:
No disputing that.

Ryder:
Fuck, is it tomorrow yet?

Me:
If you let me go to sleep it will be.

Ryder:
Fine, best vet in the world. Go to bed—without me. I’ll make sure you make it up to me when we see each other.

Me:
Deal. Goodnight.

Ryder:
Sleep tight.

Locking my phone, I caught Polly watching me.

Her lips stretched into a sleepy smile. “That man is seriously addicted to you.”

“Or just having a good time.” For some reason, admitting just how much Ryder meant to me suddenly seemed beyond smug and just cruel.

However, Polly didn’t let me get away with it. “Vesper Carla Fairfax, if you belittle how he feels about you or how you feel about him one more time, I’m going to bop you one.”

“
Bop
me?”

“Bop you.” She fake punched me in the side of the head. “Bop.”

“Okay, okay, no more trying to protect your feelings, sheesh.” I gave her a grin.

“Good.” She nodded importantly, snuggling back into our nest on the floor. “Because if you don’t start owning just how rare and magical your connection is, then you’re both morons and I don’t do stupid people.”

Rolling over, our backs touched; our feet brushing in goodnight like we did at university after an all-nighter study session.

“Got it, no more stupidness.”

“That’s my girl.” Polly yawned. “Now go to sleep, so we’re not haggard hoe-bags for our double date tomorrow.”

I smiled in the dark. “You do realise the Urban Dictionary elaborates on that word rather well.”

Polly asked sleepily, “It does?”

“Yep. The exact definition is a person—preferably a woman—who is such a hoe that their vagina has been stretched to such an extent that it can be used as a bag to carry things such as mail, yoga balls, iPods, and crayons. Look it up. That stuff is on Google.”

Polly rolled over, her eyes bugging. “Crayons? There are women who put crayons and iPods up their twatwaffles?”

“Apparently.”

“Well, I’ll use another turn of phrase then because I sure as hell don’t want household equipment up there.”

We burst out laughing before falling asleep with images of things going in girly places that should never be used in such ways.

Unless it was with Ryder.

And it was his perfect package.

I slept with a smile on my face.

“NOW, YOU BETTER BE ON your best fucking behaviour, Rupe. Got it?”

My brother groaned for the millionth time since I’d barged into his guest room where I’d plonked him last night after too many beers. We’d had a great night catching up, chatting about Singapore, his business, and any tail he’d recently tapped.

To my surprise, he’d been as dry in that area as I had been. And after one too many coronas, he’d even admitted that he was sick of sleeping around and lying about his name and bank balance. The next girl he shacked up with would be ‘the one.’

He successfully shoved me over with a feather at that confession.

My brother…the monogamous leper, suddenly wanted a wife.

Go figure.

Well, he can’t have mine.

You don’t have a wife.

Shut up.

I’m working on it.

Oh shit, I’m talking to myself.

I hadn’t been this nervous hosting a small gathering since I was sixteen and threw an illegal party in one of my parent’s renovation rentals. It had ended up
way
out of control, police were called, damages were paid for out of my measly farmhand wage, and I swore partying was for losers who put booze above careers.

“What’s got up your butt? Afraid I’m gonna chase away your girlfriend?” Rupert raked his hands through his thick dark hair that (if I was honest) needed a cut. The scruffy bad boy image screamed, ‘I have a surfboard and ten bucks to my name, want to blow me?’ Instead of what some scissors and a razor blade could deliver with, ‘I’m worth more than a small country and want to settle down with wholesome sweet woman. Dinner?’

Perhaps while he was in town, I’d help straighten him out in more areas than just helping him de-stress from working too much.

Clearing my throat, I said, “Afraid nope. Terrified yep.”

“Don’t be such a pussy.”

“I’m being rational. You have this uncanny ability to screw things up.”

Rupert grinned as he poured himself a mug of caffeine from the instant coffee pot. I preferred gourmet lattes, but we had a late start today and just got back from a mad rush around the store to get a shit load of food for a BBQ.

Despite having lots of animals on the property, and loving every creature great and small, I still ate meat. However, there was one animal I just couldn’t eat now I knew how kickass their personalities were and how loveable they could be when breaking the rules and snuggling in bed with you.

Pigs.

Pork, bacon, chops—anything that oinked was off the menu forever.

I’d never forgive myself if Hippo figured out I was eating her kin.

“Relax all ready. I know you motherfucking sighed over this girl. I know you’ve handed over your balls already candy-wrapped and bowtied, and I know you’ve most likely already fallen dick over heels for her so…” Rupe drew a cross over his heart with a spatula he’d plucked from the drawer. “Scott’s honour I won’t fuck it up for you.”

I didn’t feel any twinge of relief. “And you’ll be nice to her friend, Polly. Right? You mess that up and I’m single again for sure. Vesper is very loyal to her.”

“Loyal, huh? Is that a good quality in a woman?” Rupe rested both elbows on the bench, blinking dramatically as if I was Buddha with the gospel of life.

“Loyalty is paramount as are laughing together, hot as hell sex, and mountains of trust.”

“Spoken like a true besotted ball-less lover boy.”

“Shut—”

The doorbell went.

Scar barked and Hippo’s bell tinkled from somewhere in the house as she raced to the door. She had a fascination of greeting new guests before I could get there.

Rupert chuckled. “Let’s get this show on the road, little bro.” Scooping up the platter of beef sausages and chicken wings, he headed outside to the deck off the dining room that’d been replaced last week. Instead of a shambling rotten monstrosity, there was now raised seating, a cushion pit for lounging, and a BBQ area complete with brand new stainless steel man cooker ready to be christened.

The fact that I was about to spend the day with my brother and woman was the best bloody gift ever. Even if I was a little nervous from Vesper’s tone last night.

Something had happened with Polly and a bad date.

I just hoped it didn’t cool things between Ves and me because of some misplaced guilt or belief that what we had was too good to be true, therefore it had to be and dump my ass.

Christ, if she dumped me…I’d embarrass myself a hell of a lot trying to get her back.

Racing to let the two vets in, I grinned as I unlocked the door and Hippo raced out, chuffing in welcome.

Polly immediately took a step back, her eyes latching onto the pigmy pig. “Oh my God, you were telling the truth.”

“Told ya.” Vesper grinned. “Isn’t she cute?”

“It’s so small. It’s an embarrassment to pigs.” Polly smirked. “Are you sure it’s related to the suidae family?”

“The what family?” I asked, holding the door.

“Suidae.” Polly rolled her eyes at Vesper. “I thought you said he was intelligent.”

Vesper laughed. “Oh, did I? I thought I said he had a very large cock not a very large IQ.”

I pursed my lips to prevent from laughing. “Standing right here, ladies.”

“Well, Mr. Standing Right There. Pigs are suids. Also known as even-toed ungulates. It’s your new word of the day.” Pointing at my piglet, Polly added, “That is a suid.”

“Wrong.” I crossed my arms, enjoying the banter far too much. “That is a Hippo.”

Vesper giggled. “She’s
called
Hippo. She isn’t a hippo. Those grow in Africa not Australia.” Moving toward me, she smirked. “Do you need geography lesson, Mr. Carson? I’ll gladly lend a
hand
.”

My mind immediately shot to a filthy delicious gutter full of hands on cocks and mouths on pussies. “You know what? I do feel extremely dumb all of a sudden.”

Polly smiled at us, drinking in the way my body curved toward Vesper and hers into me. It’d happened without even noticing—the need to touch my woman too strong to ignore.

“If any teaching is to happen, ensure I’m not present.” Pushing past her friend, Polly added, “And she could be part hippo. She looks vicious.”

Vesper was nudged closer as Polly deliberately put her in grabbing distance. My arms lashed out and squeezed her, dragging her close. “Hello, woman.”

Instead of melting and moving like liquid back into the puddle where she belonged, Ves fought my hug, looking uncomfortably at Polly.

I glanced between them.

Aw shit, did the best friend tell her to dump me?
Is that it?
That I wasn’t good enough? That it was time to end it?

I liked Polly. I had nothing against her. But if she ruined this scarily brilliant thing between me and Vesper, I wouldn’t hesitate to rip into her.

My hands fisted as Polly tore her gaze from Hippo and felt my wrath.

Vesper cleared her throat, “Ry, don’t. It’s not—”

Cocking her chin, Polly shoved Vesper between the shoulder blades, directly into my embrace. “Hug the damn man, Vessie. I know you’re banging uglies and I know those disgusting things called emotions are flying every which way.” She smiled softly. “And I’m glad. I want to watch what true love looks like. Then I have a completed exam to cheat from when I’m next tested by douche bags.”

Vesper and I froze.

True love.

Holy fuck. Was this is it? Was this where we admitted the big, looming, hardly concealed but not verbalised yet secret?

“Ves, I—” I choked.

“So, this must be the ball crusher?” Rupert stole the moment by strolling to the door and leaning against it, effectively blocking the entrance but saving me a shit load of anxiety.

Slipping into host, I waved at Ves. “This is the woman I’m panting over, yes. Ves meet my annoying slightly deranged brother, Rupert Carson.”

“Pleasure.” Vesper stuck out her hand, a smile already on her lips. Everyone smiled when they met Rupe. He had that way about him. He was brash and frankly rather scary but his grin was infectious and there was softness in his eyes that instantly put people at ease no matter their age, race, or gender.

“Pleasure is all mine.” Rupert kissed the back of her hand.

“Okay, okay, no pleasure. Pleasure when it comes to Ves belongs to me and only me.” Tugging Vesper into the house, I waved at Polly who still had Hippo sniffing round her legs. “And this is Polly Dartford, Vesper’s business partner and friend.”

“That’s
best
friend.” Polly tilted her head, eyeing up Rupert. “And I see you’re the better looking brother. With bigger muscles which works if Ryder ever gets out of line with my bestie and needs an ass kicking.”

Rupert laughed. “And how do you know I wouldn’t kick Vesper’s ass for hurting my little bro?”

“Because you’re as much as an outsider to their love nest as I am but we love them and will mess them both up if they let anything stupid break up what they have.” Polly gave Vesper a secretive smile.

They shared a conspiring look.

And then, it was gone.

What the hell happened last night?

I needed to get Vesper alone. I didn’t do well with curiosity. But while two was company, four was a crowd, and I doubted getting her alone anytime soon would be easy.

All I could do was open up my house and hope to hell Vesper confided in me when we had a chance.

And that she doesn’t dump me.

Rupe once again went above and beyond, proving he was a kind-hearted bear beneath the expensive cut of his cargos and white t-shirt. He held out his arm. “Well, seeing as we’re both outsiders in this love fest, what do you say we share embarrassing stories about our respective loves and plot a way to make them cringe later?”

Polly glanced at Vesper.

Vesper opened her mouth. “Maybe we should all just stick to—”

“You know what? That sounds like a great idea. Time for a little pay back.” Polly boldly looped her hand through Rupert’s arm. “I’ve been hearing far too many sweet and sinful things the past few weeks. Time to mix it up a bit.”

“You been sharing our dirty secrets, Ves?” I poked her side.

“What? No way,” she blustered. “I’m a vault.”

“A vault who has a thing for collars apparently.” Polly giggled. “Watch out, Ryder. I’m judging. I know what you guys get up to.”

“You know about the collar?” I slapped my forehead. “Geez, I wish you girls wouldn’t share
everything
.”

“My lips are sealed in the future.” Ves slinked her arms around me. “Unless it’s utterly mind blowing and then…who knows.”

I chuckled. “I suppose I should be grateful that you find me awesome enough that you want to share.”

Vesper’s eyes darkened as her arm squeezed me. “Talking of grateful. I seem to remember a text or two last night discussing—”

“Right, that’s enough of that. I’m already annoyed at you both.” Rupert laughed. “I just got a cavity watching this sweet gag fest.”

“Oh, you too?” Polly batted her eyelashes. “I’d made a dentist appointment for next week. You’re welcome to come if you need help.”

Rupert’s face spilt into a wide grin. “You know, I’m not so happy with your friend over there, but I already like you.”

“I’m reserving judgement for now, but I appreciate the compliment.” Polly smiled.

Oh shit, Rupert had once again turned on the charm.

Time to move this party inside.

Wrapping my arm around Vesper’s shoulders, I said, “Enough, all of you. This was supposed to be a sensible luncheon not a pick on Vesper and Ryder fest.”

“You brought it upon yourself, dude.” Rupert pointed at me. “The moment you sighed on the phone that night—this is what you earned.”

I hung my head. This would be painful. Rupert’s ribbing always was. Last time he’d picked on me it was because a bitch called Michelle spread rumours that I had an STD when I was sixteen and proceeded to cover me in whipped cream from a can saying I had bitch cooties.

It was a lie. But needless to say, it was not a good day.

I still hadn’t gotten him back for that.

Perhaps today the tides will turn.

Rupe said, “Righto, all this sarcasm is making me hungry. Who’s with me?”

Polly put her hand up. “Me!”

“I’m liking you more and more.” Patting her hand wrapped around his arm, he grinned. “Let’s put some distance between us and this diabetic couple. We have shameful childhood memories to share.”

He threw me a smile, escorting the best friend I needed on my good side through the foyer and kitchen out onto the deck where warm sunshine already painted the back garden with tree stencils and the rolling happy bodies of fifteen dogs.

The past week, I'd been able to forever home three pooches, including the wiener, Pikachu, and the nasty Pomeranian, Gremlin.