Can't Live Without (22 page)

Boy, do I regret pushing for the truth. Because, and I hate to say I told you so, as predicted it was about money after all. Alistair hadn’t only left her with the feeling that there’s no fool like an old fool, he’d also left her with an empty purse, making off with her savings: the £300 she’d squirreled away for emergencies, the most pressing of which was this month’s mortgage. While I hold her tightly and stroke her hair, I entertain brief fantasies of finding the man and rubbing his face against a pebble-dashed wall.

‘Don’t worry, Mum,’ I tell her. ‘We’ll think of something. I’m sure we can all scrape together enough for the mortgage between us. It’s not the end of the world.’

My words are met by a fresh bout of sobbing and I really am at my wit’s end now. Her anguish is giving me the collywobbles, the kind where you can sense there’s something coming and you know you can’t avoid it so you want to make the most of those last few moments when your life feels normal.

‘What is wrong with you, Mum?’ I ask for the hundredth time. ‘There’s something else you’re not telling me, isn’t there? Something bad.’

I’m not known for my intuition. Usually I’m a bit dense. This time, I’m sad to say, I am spot on.

My mother wails some more and I catch the words ‘not worthy’ and ‘never forgive me’. Did she have an affair with Alistair after all? Was she behind Lipsy’s pregnancy all along, egging her on, encouraging her? Surely not. But what the hell could it be? The woman is clearly beside herself; this is not about an AWOL lodger and some missing money.

‘Please, Mum,’ I say, stroking her hair again to calm her down. ‘Whatever it is, just tell me.’

She pushes me away roughly. ‘Don’t be nice to me, Stella,’ she says between sobs. ‘Not that. I don’t deserve that. After I tell you what I’ve done you won’t even want to know me, let alone be nice to me. But…’ She takes a deep breath and tries to level her voice. ‘Just remember that I love you, and Billy and Lipsy. And I love your father. I made a mistake, Stella. I just made a mistake.’

‘For God’s sake, just tell me!’ I’m nearly crying too now. I can’t stand it any longer.

When it finally comes out, it comes in a rush, one long sentence, unprepared and unprepared for. My mother takes my hand and says, in a voice I hardly recognise, ‘I had an affair with your father’s accountant and it was him who stole the money and defrauded the tax man, not your dad, but your dad forgave me and kept it to himself to protect us all.’ She takes a breath and then looks away from my horrified expression. ‘It was all my fault, Stella, not your dad’s. I’m the reason he’s in prison.’

Chapter 19

Two weeks after my first visit I’m back in prison. Not, thankfully, as an inmate. “Just visiting” as they say in Monopoly.

This time my father looks even more unsure of himself. Maybe he’s been wondering if I’ll turn up at all – maybe he half-hoped I wouldn’t after the grilling I gave him last time.

To put his mind at rest I immediately give him a huge hug, and he looks shocked and pleased in equal measure. We sit and I hold his hand, and we talk about everything and nothing, with no breaks and no awkward silences. I tell him about the house, about my idea for renovating properties. I tell him about Café Crème and how hard I’m working to make up for my mistakes.

And I tell him about Lipsy; how I’m supporting her decision and how proud I am of how she’s handling it all. My dad stares at me throughout with a stunned expression on his face, then he shakes his head and tells me he is proud of me too. I am a chip off the old block, he says. A month ago this would have sent me apoplectic; now it feels like the best compliment I’ve ever had.

What my mum confessed to me has, for some reason, set me free. Free to have my father back, free to show my true feelings and free to let him into my life again.

I’ve missed him. I don’t think I realised how much until now.

I tell him about Paul, about my newly discovered feelings and the fact that I ruined it by making a clumsy, ill-timed pass at him. I don’t tell him about Lipsy’s theory that Paul does have feelings for me after all – I’m not quite sure what to think about that myself. I gloss over the reappearance of John Dean, stressing only that it’s good for Lipsy to have him back in her life. My father’s face darkens at the mention of my ex, but he listens carefully and then reaches over to smooth a piece of my hair out of my face.

‘You are so beautiful, Stella.’

I immediately burst into tears. He looks up at the guard who nods grimly, giving my father permission to lean across the table and hold me in his arms while I sob.

The sadness at what I’ve missed out on while he’s been in here explodes out of me like lava while he strokes my head and says kind words that only I can hear. When I finally look up I see that his eyes are red too, but I am glad he’s managing to hold it together. It really scared me last time when he let his emotions run wild and I’ve worried about him getting beaten up ever since.

‘Has it been terrible for you in here, Dad?’ I ask, blowing my nose noisily on a screwed-up tissue.

He thinks about it before answering. ‘Not really. It was bad at first but then they moved me here and this place is OK. I haven’t been beaten up or anything, if that’s what you’re thinking.’

It was and I nod, relieved.

‘The worst thing,’ he says, ‘was being away from your mother and you and Billy. And Lipsy. All of you. That’s what’s been terrible, Stella, missing out on so much. And knowing that you hated me, thought the worst of me.’

‘I didn’t hate you,’ I cry. And I wish to God that it was true.

‘Yes, you did,’ he says kindly. ‘With good reason. I should have told you the truth. I should have trusted you. I take it you know the whole truth now, then? You’ve spoken to your mother?’

I nod, not trusting myself to speak.

‘She was the one who wanted to tell you; she said she couldn’t live with it any longer. We both want a fresh start when I get out of here. You mustn’t be too hard on her, Stella, she had her reasons. I wasn’t perfect, and God knows I gave her enough cause to be unfaithful. It was wrong and she’s sorry, and I forgave her a long time ago. There’s no point in punishing her now. She’s suffered enough, don’t you think?’

I’m not entirely sure but I nod again. ‘How often does she visit you?’

‘As often as she can. She always has, right from the start. She’s stuck by me.’

Is he saying I haven’t? I push the thought away. ‘Does Billy come too?’

‘Yes. Not as regularly as your mum but he does come. And he writes. Often. Didn’t you know? I suppose they didn’t want to tell you because you were so angry with me and they didn’t want you to feel betrayed. Your family love you very much.’

‘You’re not the only one who’s missed out for two years.’ I smile weakly and my dad’s face creases into a grin.

‘No, I guess I’m not am I? Did I bring you up to be so stubborn?’

‘Yes. And to be loyal. I’ll never let you down again, Dad, I promise.’

‘Ah, Stella. My Stella.’ He reaches over again to touch my cheek. ‘You haven’t let me down. You mustn’t think like that. The past is the past and now it’s just that, OK. Passed.’

I smile and nod, putting my hand over his hand on my face.

We talk about the trial, about what he wishes he could change and the lessons he’s learned. ‘I was to blame for what happened in many ways, Stella,’ he says, scraping his fingers through non-existent hair, a gesture so familiar it makes my heart hurt. ‘I was so intent on making money and building this huge business empire that I didn’t pay attention to what was going on around me. In more ways than one.’

‘But you didn’t do it, did you? You weren’t laundering money. You weren’t corrupt.’ Or any of the other things they’d called him at the trial.

‘No. I wasn’t. Just incredibly stupid and naive.’

‘Then why did you plead guilty?’ This is something I still don’t understand. ‘You let everyone think you were a bad person, Dad. You even let me think it. Didn’t I deserve the truth?’

‘I was trying to protect you all, Stella. From the scandal.’ I laugh and he says, ‘I know, I know. There was quite a scandal anyway, wasn’t there? But I still think it would have been worse if it had come out about the affair. It would have been worse for you, and Billy too. With my bloody accountant of all people. And as for that bastard, Gerald had done a bunk by the time the Inland Revenue were called in. He did a good job of covering his tracks and implicating me – he was a clever little shit, I’ll give him that.’ My dad runs his hands over his scalp again. ‘I’m not sure why I pleaded guilty in the end. Maybe there seemed to be no other way. Maybe I wanted to be punished. For letting you all down. Does that make any sense to you, Stella?’

I tell him it does and we hold hands quietly, just thinking.

‘Will you come again in a fortnight?’ he asks me.

‘You just try and stop me,’ I say. ‘Although, I think I’ll come with the others next time, if it’s all the same to you. This journey is a bloody nightmare!’

‘Stella!’ He calls after me as I make my way to the door with the other visitors. I rush back to his table, thinking he needs one more hug. I know I do.

‘I just wanted to ask you something.’ He takes my hands in his again and looks into my eyes. He’s handsome, my dad, and I’m proud of him, is what I’m thinking at this precise moment. ‘When I get out of here, which won’t be long now, I was wondering…’

‘Yes,’ I prompt with a squeeze of my hand.

‘Would you like me to help you with your property developing? I might be a bit of use along the way, if you could bear it. How would you feel about having your old dad as a business partner?’

I’m smiling from ear to ear but he hasn’t noticed yet.

‘I mean,’ he says shyly, ‘do you think you could trust me, Stella?’

The only answer I can think of is yet more hugs and kisses. I just hope he understands that this means Yes in every sense of the word.

***

‘If you have the Beige Wool it will go with anything.’

Late Friday morning and Paul was listening to Susan’s rather conservative views on carpets. Stella had brought in some samples from Clever Carpets and was struggling over which shade to choose.

‘Mocha Loop is best. It will be more hard-wearing for your stairs and your hallway. That’s what we went for in our house,’ Loretta said without looking up.

Paul peeked out of his office, smiling to himself as Stella rolled her eyes. He knew she would be discarding Mocha Loop immediately as a matter of principle.

‘You wanna get laminated, Stella. That’s the way to go these days. Everybody’s doin it.’

‘Yes, thanks Joe,’ Stella said patiently. ‘But I think I would prefer carpets in the bedrooms and the lounge. For comfort, you know?’

Joe shrugged and returned to his magazine. There was a picture of a six-packed man on the front cover.

‘Good magazine, Joe?’ Paul called from behind his screen of filing cabinets.

‘It’s
Men’s Health
,’ Joe said, perhaps a little defensively, craning his neck to look over at his boss. ‘And I am on a break.’

‘Oh, OK.’ Paul smiled to himself and winked at Stella, who rolled her eyes again.

Susan had been studying the carpet samples as though they held the secrets of the universe. She looked up with wide eyes and said, ‘You are just so lucky, Stella. To be able to have any of these carpets, any one you like. And you had to choose a brand new kitchen and fitted wardrobes too. I would give anything to be able to do that. To have everything new.’

Stella stared at her incredulously. Paul braced himself. ‘Yeah, you’re right,’ she said. ‘And I had to choose a new bathroom suite, and furniture and clothes and everything. Because all the stuff I had before was destroyed, Susan. In a fire. Have you forgotten that?’

‘Oh, no!’ Susan gasped. ‘Of course not. It must have been terrible. But, you know, to get everything new is pretty cool. Isn’t it?’

Paul watched Stella closely, ready to step in if an argument blew up. But she took it in her stride, shrugging at Susan and smiling benignly. Paul knew what she was thinking – that it would have been pretty cool in a way, if she’d had insurance and could afford to replace everything without having to work two jobs and break the bank to do so. He wished he could help out more. Maybe he could arrange to give Stella a bonus. He’d have to do it without the others knowing, though. Or maybe he could go round at the weekend and see if there were any more little jobs that needed doing. That was if the infernal John Dean didn’t get there first.

‘Yes, it is very convenient that a confirmed spendaholic should end up in this position, isn’t it?’

Time to intervene. Stella wasn’t likely to let that one go.

‘Loretta, have you got the details on the Campbell Heights apartment?’ Paul said, jumping up and walking over to her desk.

Loretta gave him a sugary smile and bent low to search through her desk drawer, giving him a view of her rear he would rather have avoided.

Stella was munching biscuits thoughtfully, gazing at the back of Loretta’s head.
Are you OK?
Paul mouthed but she didn’t see him. He could see her mind was elsewhere, and thought the chances of her getting much work done today were slim. He wondered if she was still digesting Loretta’s comment, if it had struck too close to home. After all, she would have to admit that before the fire she had been pretty obsessed with shopping, forever searching for that one item that would make her life perfect.

It didn’t exist of course. Paul could have told her that. But it didn’t stop her looking. He wondered whether the fire had changed her outlook or whether she’d go back to her old habits as soon as she was back on her feet again. As he watched her watching Loretta he found himself hoping she wouldn’t. Paul thought he liked the new Stella even more than the old one.

Who was he kidding? He more than liked her. And it wasn’t getting any easier, working by her side every day.

Loretta found the piece of paper she was after and handed it to him, grazing his hand with her fingers in a gesture he found a bit odd, if not actually inappropriate. He looked down into her eyes and she smiled disarmingly.