Candi (2 page)

Dylan and Jessica didn
’t really want to go to the movies but Ben told them that it would be fun. I wish that he didn’t talk them into coming. I just wanted to be with Ben, not with them too. But it was cool. They seemed nice and all.

Ben put his arm around me at the movies. It was sweet and my heart skipped a beat when he did it…
literally… I could feel my heart jump. He didn’t act all strange about it, like in the movies. He didn’t pretend to be stretching. He just reached up and put his arm around me, like he was protecting me or something. He is so sweet and he is such a gentleman.

Dylan and Jessica kissed and made out the entire movie. It was kinda strange
, but they were on the other side of Ben so I didn’t have to deal with it really. Poor Ben… it must have been uncomfortable for him. Jessica must be a really loose girl to just make out like that in public. I could never do that.

I can
’t wait to see Ben again… I really do think he is the one for me. I can just tell. When he talks to me, it’s like I am the only girl on the planet. He is into me and I am sooooo into him.

Aug 15

Family Sunday…
yuck… dinner where we all sit around in silence and try to come up with something to talk about. I don’t have anything to say to my parents. They just don’t get it. They don’t get me. And I don’t get them… I will NEVER be like them… NEVER!!!!!!!

My mom actually tried to talk to me ab
out bras… right there at the dinner table. Is she nuts? I was so embarrassed. Sometimes I just wish she would shut up and go away. She actually said to me, “Don’t be embarrassed honey, all girls have boobies.” Seriously mom? She said this in front of Larry and all. Did she think that I didn’t know that all girls have boobs… and she called them boobies. OMG>>> am I five years old??? No I am not mom!!!! She makes me crazy!!!!

We had meatloaf…
I hate that almost as much as the family gatherings. It was a horrid meal. Boring day… I just dreamt about Ben all day. I wondered what he was doing and if he missed me too? I tried to do my homework, but all I did was doodle his name in my notebook. I love his name. It’s sweet but strong at the same time, just like him.

I
’m gonna see him tomorrow at school… I can’t wait! What should I wear? Hmmm….. Maybe my Boys Like Girls t-shirt. I think Ben likes them too. We have so much in common. I can’t wait to see him.

Aug 16

Wow, what a great day. Ben came up to me with a HUGE smile on his face. He leaned against my locker, just like they do in the movies and talked to me. All the other girls were jealous. I could feel them staring at me. But he likes me… not them… so booyah! I’m gonna see Ben after school tomorrow. I need to do all my homework tonight so that I can just focus on Ben tomorrow…. Ben Ben Ben, I just love saying his name.

Ben isn
’t really in the popular crowd at school. But he is by far the cutest boy here. He doesn’t wear Abercrombie or Holister, but I don’t either so it’s cool. We are a perfect match for each other.

Paige
and Missy are on their way over to help me pick out an outfit. I think they’re jealous of me too… They don’t have boyfriends… well, not that Ben is my boyfriend, but we are dating! Paige wants to do my hair and Missy says that she’s on make-up patrol. I have my own personal assistants. This is awesome. They are soooo happy for me. I am so happy for me.

I feel cool and noticed for the first time ever in school. When Ben is with me, people notic
e. When we walk down the hallway, he holds my hand. He is so sweet. People see me different now. They think that I am not just a nerdy kid… I am a cool woman. I have Ben. I want Ben soooo much!

Aug 17

My day was the best ever. I feel so grown up. I am alm
ost an adult I think. I went to Bens after school. I told my mom that we were studying at the library, but really we went to Ben’s house. His mom was at work so we had the whole house to ourselves… until Dylan and Jess came over. They hung out with us for a while in the living room.

They were both smoking cigarettes which I think is gross. Dylan even took a beer out of the fridge and he and Jess shared it. Ben said that his mom wouldn
’t notice and offered me one too. I didn’t want one, so we just had pop instead. 

Dylan and Jess weren
’t with us for long before they started making out… right there in front of us… I felt strange and tried to look away, but they didn’t seem to care if anyone saw or not.

Finally, they went upstairs to a bedroom and I could her
e them doing it. OMG!!!! It was strange… I have never heard anyone doing it before. I must admit that they sounded like they were having fun.

Ben and I watched TV for a while, and then he put his arm around me again.

Then he did it… he kissed me. It was my first kiss and it was soooo awesome! He lips were soft and I even felt his tongue. I wasn’t sure what to do, I didn’t stick my tongue out, but I could feel his. It felt strange in my mouth, but I liked it. He really likes me. He kissed me, with his tongue! Does this mean that we are boyfriend and girlfriend now??? IDK, I have to go call Paige and Missy… maybe they will know. They will be soooo jealous of me!

I touched his soft curly hair while he kissed me. He closed his eyes but I kept mine open and watc
hed him. He is so sexy. I can’t believe that he kissed me. He really really kissed me! I feel like I am floating on a cloud or something. This feels so awesome!

Aug 18

Yup, its official, Paige and Missy are jealous… this is GREAT! I have never had anything in my life before for anyone else to be jealous of…  I love it… and I think I love Ben, no I DO LOVE BEN!!! He walks with me to class. We even sit together at lunch. Today we sat with Dylan and Jess. They are actually really cool.

People are all
looking at me… I know that they’re jealous. I am not that dorky little kid anymore. I am with the cool kids. They smoke and drink and do other stuff… sex stuff. Stuff that I wanna do too, I think? Does that make me a bad person? I’m just a teenager, it’s okay to explore and experience things, right? That’s what teenagers do and I wanna do it too. I don’t want to have sex though. I’m scared… will it hurt?

I can
’t believe that I’m writing all this down, but I feel like I can say anything here. My mom would FREAK OUT if she read any of this. Seriously, she would like go all ape-shit on me for even having these thoughts. I’ve resorted to carrying this journal with me everywhere I go. I even put it under my pillow when I sleep so that no one can get their grubby little hands on it. These are my thoughts and no one else’s business!

Sorry, I know all I seem to be talking about lately is Ben. I
love being with him. When he puts his arm around me and stares into my eyes, I feel so special. He makes me feel important when I’m with him. I feel like I matter to him. I love him so much!

Aug 19

Ben is sooo sweet to me. He carries my books to class and drives me home from school everyday. I found out today that his real name is Bently… like the car. He has an older sister named Porche. How weird is that? He said that his dad really liked classic old cars, that’s how they got their names.

He told me
secrets about himself that he’d never shared with anyone else. We parked down the street and he told me how his dad had left them. Just up and abandoned his family one day. Ben seemed so sad.

I hugged him and told him that I knew what it felt like. My dad ran off on us too.
Ben seemed really happy that someone else knew what it felt like. We have so much in common. I just know that we will be together forever.

Paige
and Missy don’t talk to me much anymore, but its okay. They just don’t understand what it’s like to have a boyfriend. They are still little kids and I am almost a woman now. Someday they will see and understand, but for now I just need to focus on my Ben. My boyfriend Ben, that sounds so strange.

Well, he has never actually asked me to be his girlfriend, but I assume that
’s what we are??? I love him, so he is my boyfriend in my heart.

I still talk on the phone to
Paige and Missy but I just don’t have a lot of time to hang out with them. I want to spend all of my free time with Ben. I’m sorry if they don’t understand that. They just don’t know what it feels like to be in love.

Aug 20

It’s Friday night… Ben, Dylan Jess and I hung out after school at the Pizza King. Jess is being a lot nicer to me. I think she really wants to be my friend. She even calls me Candi. I’ve never had a nickname before. I like it. Candi, it makes me sound sweet, but sexy too. Like I am eye candy or something. IDK, I just like it.

We were being kinda loud and crazy…
it was sooo much fun. Dylan made a huge mess at the table with sugar and salt and Coke. He didn’t care. He said that’s why the waitresses got the big bucks, to clean it up… He left her a dollar tip for her troubles.

Dylan could be a jerk
sometimes,  but he was nice to me. He was sexy in a scruffy way. He always smells like smoke and doesn’t care what anyone thinks of him. I kind of admire that. Who cares what anyone else thinks, right? As long as you’re happy, isn’t that all that matters? People need to be happy. I hate coming home to this house where they seem so sad all the time. Ben too, he says his mom is bitchy all the time with him. Why do people have kids and then act like they hate them? I don’t get it… just be happy people!

Tomorrow is Saturday and we are hanging at Dylans tomorrow night. His folks are out of town. This will be great. Maybe some more kissing
with my man Ben… yummy. Maybe I’ll try and use my tongue this time? I’m kinda nervous. I don’t really know what to do. I just know that I want to kiss him some more… lots more!

Aug 21

I am grinning from ear to ear. This was the best night of my life…
I swear! Ben and I kissed for hours and I even let him touch my boobs. First he just rubbed over top of my shirt, but then he put his hand under my shirt and then even under my bra.              

It was his hand on my bare
skin. He really liked it. He grinned bigger than I have ever seen before. I had no idea touching a boob could make him so happy. I think he was really really happy because after a while I think his dick got hard. I could see it through his jeans. He kept wiggling around and rubbing against me. It was so much fun. I used my tongue and he used his A LOT! Wow, I like being grown up. We didn’t do anything wrong, we just made out.

Jess and Dylan do way more than us. I can hear them in the bedroom and they are really doing it. Over and over again. It sounds like they really enjoy it too. I wonder what it feels like, to ha
ve sex.

I touch myself down there sometimes and it feels really good. Is
  that what it feels like when someone else touches you? I wonder if Ben will try to touch me down there. Should I let him if he tries? It’s not like we are having sex, it’s just making out right? We’re not doing anything wrong. I don’t want to have sex, but I am curious…No harm in that and besides I really really really love Ben. I think he is the one, no I know that he’s the one for me!

Aug 23

School is so boring. I can’t wait to get out of class. Do the teachers really think that we care about any of this stuff? Do they even care? Maybe it’s just a job to them.

Every time I see Ben I get butterflies in my stomach. I love him sooooo much. I just want to get out
of this stupid school and make out with him some more. I don’t want to be a kid anymore; I want to be a woman.

Ben is sooooo sweet to me. He waits for me at every class and walks with me to my locker. He kisses me when there are no teachers around. Everyo
ne is so jealous of me.

Paige
and Missy barely talk to me anymore. Someday they will understand. They are just children and don’t know what I am going through. I would talk to them but they wouldn’t get it. You can’t understand what love feels like unless you’ve been there. They have never been there so they shouldn’t judge me.

Ben doesn
’t judge me. I was thinking about Ben in Algebra today and I got wet down there, just thinking about him… that must be love right? My heart started racing when I remembered him touching my breast. My cheeks flushed and I had a hard time focusing in class. I just want to be with Ben… God I love him soooo much.

Aug 25

Ben and I don’t get to hang out alone until next weekend… this SUCKS! Why do parents have to get in the way and screw everything up? Why can’t they just let us have some fun???

I just want to be with Ben and he wants to be with me. What is soooo wrong with that? I
’m getting good grades. I don’t get in trouble. Why can’t I just have a little fun. Is that a crime??????? Parents suck!!!!!