Canary (23 page)

stripped down to our shells, empty inside,

exposed as we felt around in the dark,

groping for something to light us again.

When you experience a loss so big,

you need to redefine yourself as someone without the other.

A reinvention of who you knew yourself as.

Dad and Brett carelessly threw away their old skin

and climbed into something new, shiny, unfamiliar.

I found myself lost,

floating between who I used to be and who I could no longer be.

I wandered around, sticking out,

my pieces not quite fitting in the smooth edge of the world

where I once existed so effortlessly.

When I found Jack, my world began to meld back together.

He gave me meaning, a construction.

He filled in the hazy lines of the empty self Mom's death had left.

He brought me back to life,

revived me, and allowed me to crawl into his world and stand tall,

towering over my past as I clung to the security he granted.

And as long as I was with Jack,

I had a place, a self defined.

My world is shifting again with Brett gone.

Pieces are becoming loose,

and I feel as if my seams are weakening.

I need to hold tight to Jack before I lose myself again.

Jack's world does not revolve around this fear of loss.

But for now, his hand is anchoring mine,

and the desire to stay in his world

is stronger than the need to break free.

Posted By: Your Present Self

[Wednesday, December 11, 11:07 PM]

I agreed to go to Jack's party because I wanted to be there, not because of Ali's warnings. Things felt normal again between Jack and me. He hadn't brought up our fight and seemed a little more understanding about my worries for Brett.

Ali texted and asked if I needed a ride, so I accepted her offer as a truce. She picked me up, excited that I was finally dragging myself out of the house. The two of us had packed overnight bags and told our parents we were staying at each other's house. A lie like that usually didn't work so smoothly, but Dad was out of town watching a team Beacon would be playing in two weeks, and Ali's parents had taken her siblings to an indoor water park for the night. 

We waited to arrive until after the party started, because Ali wanted to make an entrance. Jack's driveway was already full of cars, and lights blazed from every room. We could hear music and shouting as we walked up the driveway. The door was cracked open, and Ali pushed it the rest of the way with her foot.

“Now the party can begin,” Jack announced when he saw me, a sloppy grin on his face and a wet spot on the front of his shirt. “Let's all raise a glass to the sexiest girlfriend in the world.”

A large part of the basketball team was in the room, and everyone lifted plastic cups and bottles to toast my arrival. 

“Here's to a night of partying,” Jack yelled. 

“We need to put our stuff down, and we'll be back,” Ali told the group.

I followed her up the steps, dumping my stuff in Jack's room.

Ali turned to me so the doorway was blocked. “Let's have a good time, okay? No worries tonight. Let it all loose.”

I agreed. I'd forget everything else and have fun. A break from the regular world was exactly what I needed. We headed back down the stairs and I forced a smile, trying to convince myself of my
own thoughts.

Jack handed me a beer when I found him, and I took a bigger sip than usual, glad to be doing something a little bad for a change. Tonight was all about letting go.

“That's my girl,” Jack said. He wrapped me in his arms and pushed me against the wall. “I'm glad you're here.”

“Me too.” I grinned at him and realized I was glad to be out with everyone. It felt good to feel
normal again.

Jack started kissing me, and I let myself relax. His hands ran up my back, under my shirt, and I pressed myself against him. This was the Jack I hadn't seen in so long, the Jack I had been fighting away, and for tonight, I didn't want to fight. I remembered how good it could be. I knew he was thinking the same thing I was.

“Hey, you two, save it for later,” Ali said. “You have the whole night to take each other's clothes off. I want to borrow Kate for a while.”

Jack let go of me but whispered in my ear, “I like Ali's idea. I'll be looking forward to doing just that.”

I swatted him in mock protest but winked before I allowed Ali to pull me into the kitchen. She opened a brown bag on the counter and turned to me. “Okay, I have lemons, sugar, and some cheap vodka.”

I turned the plastic vodka bottle around in my hand. “This looks really classy.”

“Nothing says getting shit-faced like cheap-ass vodka.”

She took two shot glasses and sloshed a bunch of vodka in them. She set one in front of me.

“Thanks, but I'm going to pass.” I pushed it back at her, but she picked it up and jammed it into my hand. A little bit spilled, wetting my shirt sleeve.

“Calm down. It's only one shot. You can stop when I start pushing the fifth or sixth glass at you. Which, by the way, I fully intend to do before we go back to the rest of the party.”

“You don't take things slow, do you?”

“Nope, and neither should you. Most of the people here are wasted. We need to catch up.” She handed me a lemon wedge covered in sugar and, with the other hand, jiggled her glass. “Take one shot. It's not going to kill you.”

“It's never just one shot with you.”

“I promise. Now toast with me. Here's to the boys we love. Here's to the boys who love us . . .”

I looked from Ali to the glass and thought back to the way Jack wrapped his arms around me and called me his girl. I wanted to be the Kate he was crazy about, so I picked up the shot and joined in the toast with her. “And if the boys we love don't love us, then screw the boys and here's to us.”

The two of us knocked glasses and threw back the vodka.

“Damn,” I said. “This tastes like crap.”

Ali held out another shot, “Well, you know what they say. The drunker you are, the easier it goes down.”

The music blasted around me, vibrating the floor under my feet. I took a deep breath. The world slipped out from under me. For tonight, instead of letting the uncertainty pull me down and paralyze me, I welcomed the warmth from the alcohol that crept into my veins. I didn't care about anything
except that I was having fun with Jack and Ali.

 

Later that night I settled onto Jack's lap in the hot tub and pulled my hair into a wet ponytail. I'd finished my beer and, along with the shot I had taken with Ali, the alcohol was making me sleepy in the steamy water. I rested my head against Jack's chest and closed my eyes, listening to everyone talk.

Someone pressed something cold against my neck, and I jumped in surprise, jamming my elbow into Jack.

A guy on the team waved a bottle of white wine in front of my face. “I swiped this from my parents. They keep all the good stuff locked up in the basement. Have you ever gotten wasted on a three-hundred-dollar bottle of wine?”

“No, thanks,” I said and leaned back against Jack.

“Come on,” he said. “Lighten up and have some.”

“Lighten up?” I raised my eyebrows and squinted at him. “I'm sorry. I didn't know I had to drink the wine you stole from your parents to lighten up.”

“Hey, I'm only trying to help my man Jack out. You're always so uptight. It would be nice for you
to relax.”

“Are you for real?” I looked at Jack for help, but he just shrugged.

“It's not going to kill you to have a little.”

“Where is this coming from?” I didn't know what was making me madder: the fact that the team thought I was uptight or that Jack wasn't standing up for me.

“We were having a good night,” Jack said. “Now you're doing the goddamn judging thing. I'm so sick of this shit.”

“You know,” I said, dropping my hand into the water. “A good boyfriend would support his girlfriend instead of going all crazy on her.”

“Crazy is right.”

“Go to hell,” I shot back. It was quiet around us. We now had everyone's attention, which made me even angrier. 

“You're making a fool of yourself,” Jack said. “Get yourself together.” He shifted, pushing me off him and into the water.

His friends laughed.

I sank for a moment and wished I could stay under and hide from all of them. Instead, I stood up. “Whatever. I'm gone. I don't want to be here with you.” I climbed out of the hot tub.

Jack didn't say anything. He'd already turned back to the group.

My body tensed in anger, but I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing I cared. I walked toward the steps without bothering to look at him again.

I held onto the railing, not caring that my bare feet were crunching in the snow. I stopped in the empty kitchen and leaned against the sticky counter covered with cups, alcohol bottles, lemon wedges, and sugar. 

Luke wandered into the room, a cigarette burning in his hand. He stopped and watched, his gaze moving over me from the bottom to the top.

My face got hot, and I crossed my arms over my chest.

“Sexy outfit,” he said and winked.

My bikini dripped water all over the floor. “Screw you.”

“Damn, what's wrong?”

I shook my head. I wasn't about to spill my
feelings to Luke.

He held up his hands, a long piece of ash falling off the cigarette. “Fine. Don't tell me, but don't waste a perfectly good party being pissed off. You need
another drink.”

He dropped the cigarette on the counter and opened the fridge.

“No, the last thing I need is a drink.” 

“Believe me,” he said, popping the tab on a beer and walking to the cupboard to grab a glass. “It'll help. You drink enough of this and you'll forget whatever it is that's making you mad.” 

He turned his back to me and poured the drink into a glass. I watched the cigarette smoke curl up from the counter.

It was the word 
forget
 that convinced me. “I don't need a glass. The bottle is fine.”

“No way. You, my dear, are a classy woman and should drink from a glass.”

I took the drink when he offered it and gulped it. I coughed, and a bit escaped out of my mouth onto my bathing suit.

I wiped my lips with the back of my hand. “Oh, shit, this beer is nasty.”

“But it works.”

I tried to get the rest of the drink down without throwing up.

Ali walked in and looked at the two of us
suspiciously. “What are you up to in here?”

“Dirty and naughty things,” Luke said and slid up against Ali. “Do you want to be bad with us?”

“Luke got me a beer. That's all,” I said, not wanting to start another fight. The drink sloshed around in my stomach, and instead of making me feel better, it made me feel worse. “Do you want to finish it? I've had enough.”

I held out the glass, but Luke stepped between us. “Here, Ali. You can have mine. I just opened it.” Luke pushed his drink at her before she could grab my cup. He pointed at my cup. You're not going to waste that, are you?”

He was staring hard at me. It creeped me out, so I finished it off just to satisfy him. I slammed the cup upside down when I was done.

“I guess that answers whether or not Kate
swallows.” Luke laughed.

I slapped his arm hard. I should have known better than to hang out with someone as skeezy as Luke.

“Do you want me to answer that question too?” Ali said loudly and, with her hip, shoved me against the counter. She giggled so hard some of her drink splashed out. “Damn, that's a whole sip I lost.” 

Luke and I watched as she bent and licked it off the sticky surface. 

Luke placed a hand on my lower back. “Maybe both you girls could show me your talents,” he said, sliding his fingertips down till they grazed the top of my bikini bottom.

Ali grabbed my other hand and pulled me forward, and I slipped in the puddle that had gathered around my feet. “Kate has something she needs to do with her
boyfriend
.” She narrowed her eyes at me. I knew she thought I was flirting with Luke, which was an absolutely disgusting thought.

She took me out of the room and back toward the hot tub. “How about you go find Jack?”

“I need to lie down.” Suddenly it felt as if everything was off-center. “I don't feel too good.”

“Seriously? You're such a lightweight. What did you have, two whole beers tonight?”

“And that shot.” I clutched my stomach and groaned.

Ali was right. I hadn't drunk a lot. I shouldn't have felt like that. I tried to remember what I'd eaten or determine if I was coming down with something.

“Just don't puke on yourself. That would be nasty.” She walked with me to the steps and left me at the bottom. “You can make it upstairs yourself, right? I want to go grab Luke before he leaves.”

I nodded and headed to Jack's room. I tripped on the first few steps and gave up walking. I crawled instead. My stomach churned, and all I wanted to do was close my eyes and sleep.

I pushed open the door and climbed into Jack's bed. He had an old comforter spread out, flannel on one side, and I wrapped myself into it. My swimsuit was probably getting his sheets damp, but I didn't care. 

I stared at the ceiling and let the room spin around and around, pulling me out of control so I slipped away faster and faster. Everything was cloudy, and the edges went soft. I let the dark creep in and closed my eyes.

 

 

I must have passed out, because when I woke the clock next to Jack's bed flashed 3:27 a.m. My mouth was dry, and I craved a glass of water. People were still awake somewhere in the house, their voices rising and falling in conversation, muffled music playing from the distance.