Can You Forgive Her? (7 page)

‘I must say this — that after what has passed, and at the present crisis of your life—’

‘Dear aunt, I’m not in any crisis.’

‘Yes you are, Alice; in the most special crisis of a girl’s life. You
are still a girl, but you are the promised wife of a very worthy man, who will look to you for all his domestic happiness. George Vavasor has the name, at least, of being very wild.’

‘The worthy man and the wild man must fight it out between them. If I were going away with George by himself, there might be something in what you say.’

‘That would be monstrous.’

‘Monstrous or not, it isn’t what
I’m about to do. Kate and I have put our purses together, and are going to have an outing for our special fun and gratification. As we should be poor travellers alone, George has promised to go with his sister. Papa knows all about it, and never thought of making any objection’

Lady Macleod shook her head. She did not like to say anything against Mr Vavasor before his daughter; but the shaking
of her head was intended to signify that Mr Vavasor’s assent in such a matter was worth nothing.

‘I can only say again, ’ said Lady Macleod, ‘that I think Mr Grey will be displeased, — and that he will have very great cause for displeasure. And I think, moreover, that his approbation ought to be your chief study. I believe, my dear, I’ll ask you to let Jane get me a cab. I shan’t have a bit too
much time to dress for the concert’

Alice simply rang the bell, and said no further word on the subject which they had been discussing. When Lady Macleod got up to go away, Alice kissed her, as was customary with them, and the old lady as she went uttered her customary valediction. ‘God bless you, my dear. Good-bye! I’ll come tomorrow if I can’ There was therefore no quarrel between them. But
both of them felt that words had been spoken which must probably lead to some diminution of their past intimacy.

When Lady Mac- leod had gone Alice sat alone for an hour thinking of what had passed between them, – thinking rather of those two men, the worthy man and the wild man, whose names had been mentioned in dose connection with herself. John Grey was a worthy man, a man worthy at all points,
as far as she knew him. She told herself it was so. And she told herself, also, that her cousin George was wild, — very wild. And yet her thoughts were, I fear, on the whole more kindly towards her cousin than towards her lover. She had declared to her aunt that John Grey would be incapable of such suspicion as would be shown by any objection on his part to the arrangements made for the tour.
She had said so, and had so believed; and yet she continued to brood over the position which her affairs would take, if he did make the objection which Lady Macleod anticipated. She told herself over and over
again, that under such circumstances she would not give way an inch. ‘He is free to go’ she said to herself. ‘If he does not trust me he is quite free to go.’ It may almost be said that she
came at last to anticipate from her lover that very answer to her own letter which she had declared him to be incapable of making.

M
R
G
REY’S
answer to Alice Vavasor’s letter, which was duly sent by return of post and duly received on the morning after Lady Macleod’s visit may perhaps be taken as giving a sample of his worthiness. It was dated from Nethercoats, a small country-house in Cambridgeshire which belonged to him, at which he already spent much of his time, and at which he intended
to live altogether after his marriage.

‘Nethercoats, June, 186‘

D
EAREST
A
LICE,

‘I am glad you have settled your affairs, – foreign affairs, I mean, – so much to your mind. As to your home affairs they are not, to my thinking, quite so satisfactorily arranged. But as I am a party interested in the latter my opinion may perhaps have an undue bias. Touching the tour, I quite agree with you that
you and Kate would have been uncomfortable alone. It’s a very fine theory, that of women being able to get along without men as well as with them; but’ like other fine theories, it will be found very troublesome by those who first put it in practice. Gloved hands, petticoats, feminine softness, and the general homage paid to beauty, all stand in the way of success. These things may perhaps some
day be got rid of, and possibly with advantage; but while young ladies are still encumbered with them a male companion will always be found to be a comfort. I don’t quite know whether your cousin George is the best possible knight you might have chosen. I should consider myself to be infinitely preferable, had my going been upon the cards. Were you in danger of meeting Paynim foes, he, no doubt, would
kill them off much quicker than I could do, and would be much more serviceable in liberating you from the dungeons of oppressors, or even from stray tigers in the
Swiss forests. But I doubt his being punctual with the luggage. He will want you or Kate to keep the accounts, if any are kept. He will be slow in getting you glasses of water at the railway stations, and will always keep you waiting
at breakfast. I hold that a man with two ladies on a tour should be an absolute slave to them, or they will not fully enjoy themselves. He should simply be an upper servant, with the privilege of sitting at the same table with his mistresses. I have my doubts as to whether your cousin is fit for the place; but, as to myself, it is just the thing that I was made for. Luckily, however, neither you
nor Kate are without wills of your own, and perhaps you may be able to reduce Mr Vavasor to obedience.

As to the home affairs I have very little to say here, – in this letter. I shall of course run up and see you before you start, and shall probably stay a week in town. I know I ought not to do so, as it will be a week of idleness, and yet not a week of happiness. I’d sooner have an hour with
you in the country than a whole day in London. And I always feel in town that I’ve too much to do to allow of my doing anything. If it were sheer idleness I could enjoy it, but it is a feverish idleness, in which one is driven here and there, expecting some gratification which not only never comes, but which never even begins to come. I will, however, undergo a week of it, – say the last seven days
of this month, and shall trust to you to recompense me by as much of. yourself as your town doings will permit

And now again as to those home affairs. If I say nothing now I believe you will understand why I refrain. You have cunningly just left me to imply, from what you say, that all my arguments have been of no avail; but you do not answer them, or even tell me that you have decided. I shall
therefore imply nothing, and still trust to my personal eloquence for success. Or rather not trust, – not trust, but hope.

The garden is going on very well. We are rather short of water, and therefore not quite as bright as I had hoped; but we are preparing with untiring industry for future brightness. Your commands have been obeyed in all things, and Morrison always says The mistress didn’t
mean this,’ or The mistress did Intend that.’ God bless the mistress is what I now say, and send her home, to her own home, to her flowers, and her fruit, and her house, and her husband, as soon as may be, with no more of these delays which are to me so grievous, and which seem to me to be so unnecessary. That is my prayer.

Yours ever and always,

J.G.

‘I didn’t give commands, ’ Alice said to
herself, as she sat with the letter at her solitary breakfast-table. ‘He asked me how I liked the things, and of course I was obliged to say. I was obliged to seem to care, even if I didn’t care.’ Such were her first thoughts as she put the letter back into its envelope, after reading it the second time. When she opened it, which she did quickly, not pausing a moment lest she should suspect herself
of fearing to see what might be its contents, her mind was full of that rebuke which her aunt had anticipated, and which she had almost taught herself to expect She had torn the letter open rapidly, and had dashed at its contents with quick eyes. In half a moment she had seen what was the nature of the reply respecting the proposed companion of her tour, and then she had completed her reading
slowly enough. ‘No; I gave no commands,’ she repeated to herself, as though she might thereby absolve herself from blame in reference to some possible future accusations, which might perhaps be brought against her under certain circumstances which she was contemplating.

Then she considered the letter bit by bit, taking it backwards, and sipping her tea every now and then amidst her thoughts.
No; she had no home, no house, there. She had no husband; – not as yet. He spoke of their engagement as though it were a betrothal, as betrothals used to be of yore; as though they were already in some sort married. Such betrothals were not made now-a-days. There still remained, both to him and to her, a certain liberty of extricating themselves from this engagement. Should he come to her and say
that he found that their contemplated marriage would not make him happy, would not she release him without a word of reproach? Would not she regard him as much more honourable in doing so than in adhering to a marriage which was distasteful to him? And if she would so judge him, –judge him and certainly acquit him, was it not reasonable that she under similar circumstances should expect a similar
acquittal? Then she declared to herself that she carried on this argument within her own breast simply as an argument, induced to do so by that assertion on his part that he was already her husband, – that his house was even now her home. She had no intention of using that power which was still hers. She had no wish to go back from her pledged word.
She thought that she had no such wish. She loved
him much, and admired him even more than she loved him. He was noble, generous, clever, good, – so good as to be almost perfect; nay, for aught she knew he was perfect Would that he had some faults! Would that he had! Would that he had! How could she, full of faults as she knew herself to be,–how could she hope to make happy a man perfect as he was! But then there would be no doubt as to her
present duty. She loved him, and that was everything. Having told him that she loved him, and having on that score accepted his love, nothing but a change in her heart towards him could justify her in seeking to break the bond which bound them together. She did love him, and she loved him only.

But she had once loved her cousin. Yes, truly it was so. In her thoughts she did not now deny it. She
had loved him, and was tormented by a feeling that she had had a more full delight in that love than in this other that had sprung up subsequently. She had told herself that this had come of her youth; – that love at twenty was sweeter than it could be afterwards. There had been a something of rapture in that earlier dream which could never be repeated, – which could never live, indeed, except
in a dream. Now’ now that she was older and perhaps wiser, love meant a partnership, in which each partner would be honest to the other, in which each would wish and strive for the other’s welfare, so that thus their joint welfare might be insured. Then, in those early girlish days; it had meant a total abnegation of self. The one was of earth, and therefore possible. The other had been a ray from
heaven, – and impossible, except in a dream.

And she had been mistaken in her first love. She admitted that frankly. He whom she had worshipped had been an idol of day, and she knew that it was well for her to have abandoned that idolatry. He had not only been untrue to her, but, worse than that, had been false in excusing his untruth. He had not only promised falsely, but had made such promises
with a deliberate, premeditated falsehood. And he had been selfish, coldly selfish, weighing the value of his own low lusts against that of her holy love. She had known this, and had parted from him with an oath to herself that no promised contrition on his part should ever
bring them again together. But she had pardoned him as a man, though never as a lover, and had bade him welcome again as
a cousin and as her friend’s brother. She had again become very anxious as to his career, not hiding her regard, but professing that anxiety aloud. She knew him to be clever, ambitious, bold, – and she believed even yet, in spite of her own experience, that he might not be bad at heart Now, as she told herself that in truth she loved the man to whom her troth was plighted, I fear that she almost thought
more of that other man from whom she had torn herself asunder.

‘Why should he find himself unhappy in London?’ she said, as she went back to the letter. ‘Why should he pretend to condemn the very place which most men find the fittest for all their energies? Were I a man, no earthly consideration should induce me to live elsewhere. It is odd how we differ in all things. However brilliant might
be his own light, he would be contented to hide it under a bushel!’

And at last she recurred to that matter as to which she had been so anxious when she first opened her lover’s letter. It will be remembered how assured she had expressed herself that Mr Grey would not condescend to object to her travelling with her cousin. He had not so condescended. He had written on the matter with a pleasant
joke, like a gentleman as he was, disdaining to allude to the past passages in the life of her whom he loved, abstaining even from expressing anything that might be taken as a permission on his part. There had been in Alice’s words, as she told him of their proposed plan, a something that had betrayed a tremor in her thoughts. She had studiously striven so to frame her phrases that her tale might
be told as any other simple statement, – as though there had been no trembling in her mind as she wrote. But she had failed, and she knew that she had failed. She had failed; and he had read all her effort and all her failure She was quite conscious of this; she felt it thoroughly: and she knew that he was noble and a gentleman to the last drop of his blood. And yet – yet – yet there was almost
a feeling of disappointment in that he had not written such a letter as Lady Macleod had anticipated.

During the next week Lady Macleod still came almost daily to
Queen Anne Street, but nothing further was said between her and Miss Vavasor as to the Swiss tour; nor were any questions asked about Mr Grey’s opinion on the subject The old lady of course discovered that there was no quarrel, or,
as she believed, any probability of a quarrel; and with that she was obliged to be contented. Nor did she again on this occasion attempt to take Alice to Lady Midlothian’s. Indeed, their usual subjects of conversation were almost abandoned, and Lady Macleod’s visits, though they were as constant as heretofore, were not so long. She did not dare to talk about Mr Grey, and because she did not so dare,
was determined to regard herself as in a degree ill-used. So she was silent, reserved and fretful. At length came the last day of her London season, and her last visit to her niece. ‘I would come because it’s my last day’ said Lady Macleod; ‘but really I’m so hurried, and have so many things to do, that I hardly know how to manage it.’