Caltraps of Time (8 page)

This brings me to their Words. Tho’ they have many Words, that I never heard or saw before, I was quite as much in a quandary at learning their Tongue, by reason of Words that I knew well, but that they us’d otherwise then with us. Many, as I found in the end, had sunk (where Advertisement had flown up). So when they say, Terrible, they mean Great; when they say, Fabulous, they mean Goodly. Enthusiasm, is a meer Zeal, or pleasure in doing. But other Words, are much twisted in their Sence. Sex, which with us is the being Male, or Female, with them is the Coupling of Man and Woman. Romance is no Fantasticall Tale, but an Affair of the Heart; and so too with Romantick. A Buss, which with us (in that meaning) is a kind of Sea-vessel, with them is a Publick Carriage, as I have said. To Want, is not to lack, but to have a wish for some thing. One who is Nice, do’s not turn his Nose up, he is not Delicat, but meerly pleasing to the speaker. One who is Sensible, is not keenly perceiving of some thing, but a Man of good sence. They interlace their sentences with absolute Cant, that with us is heard from Cut-purses and Ruffians, but with them is perfectly gentle. On the other hand, they abound in long learned expressions, that their very Children use, and wrap their Notions up in Bundles, as to confound the listener. As for their manner of Uttering, ‘tis altogether odd, as I have shewn it, but not without a smack of the low speech of a Cockney from London. After a time my Ears grew accustom’d to it, so that I heard, what was meant.

The Nation that dwells in America, and they that dwell in Moscovy, they say are the Arbiters of the World, for they have that Artillery, that I wrote of before, in the greatest quantity. Besides this, from these two Nations, come the Inventions, of Machines that they have fired off toward the Moon, and the Planets Mars, and Venus, as if they had been Cannon Shot; which send back News of their Journeys, and (in some manner) Pictures, of what they meet; and so methinks, it is to take nigh on three hundred years, and an Enterprize from abroad, not from England, to fulfill these Flattring Verses of Mr Dryden,

Then we upon our Globes last verge shall go

And view the Ocean leaning on the Sky:

From thence our rowling Neighbours we shall know,

And on the Lunar world securely pry.

And besides, these two Nations, have sent Machines round the Earth, some hundreds of leagues above it, with Men in ‘em, and at last fetch’d ‘em down in their Machines safe and sound. And yet was my Machine unknown.

As for Moscow, they look upon it in their England, much as we look upon Rome; and as we look upon Papists, and Dissenters, so do they a kind of Levellers, that they call, Communists, that wou’d overthrow the State, if they cou’d, and yet are suffer’d to come and go every where without let or hindrance, save only that they may not get employment, where they can learn Secrets of State. For the meer Papists and Dissenters among them, they make no distinction against ‘em, and hardly know, what Religion a Man professes, or what they profess them selves.

They have in the Land another sort of Stranger. For they have many Indians, both from West and East, who are come to make their livelihood in England. Their Neighbours are afear’d, the great numbers of these shou’d take their Wages from ‘em, or bring new Plagues, or that their way of living shou’d be too Nasty, for the Publick Good; and some English Men (they say) have rais’d up Brawls against ‘em. But the generality of English Natives are so mealy-mouth’d, that they dare not speak these Fears alowd, lest they have a foul Name of Racialist clapp’d on ‘em, of which they are in mortal terror, from the thought of some Massacres perform’d a score of years before in Germany, and Oppressions committed thousands of leagues away in Africa and America.

For this they have some Colour, seeing that they are so much, as they call it, One World, that notions travell fast in their Time. But I think it partly but one case of a ready Superstition of Opinion among ‘em which comes, as I ghess, from their singular prospect, whereby all can read, and vote for Parliament, as if they were equal, while most regard neither the Word of Religion nor fair Argument, but are blown this way and that by the least Gale or Breath of Censure from their fellows. They have a vast Esteem for Sophistries; they are very easie in believing such things as they wou’d have to be so, and are not forward to entertain a solid Reasoning. He that can fasten a Good, or a Bad name, howso ever ill-conceiv’d, upon any thing that is done, or made, or worn, or said, is scarce question’d, but straight his word is taken up. So they are blown hither and thither, by the Writers in the Courants, and the Speakers in the Tellies, and the Devizers of the Advertisements, the Blind leading the Blind.

Another cause of their being so biddable and so quiet, is perhaps that from the Hurry of the Day, they have little stomach for Trouble, and little room, in which to think for them selves. For tho’ they live so well, yet they are also in a continual Coursing, and if their leisure is long, yet even there the World presses on ‘em from all sides. Between their Running after every Notion, and their perpetual Hast, you wou’d say, that Ants had been mated with Munkies, to breed ‘em.

All these matters, as I have said, I learnt not at once, but during many weeks. I spent my mornings in the back parts of the Shop. For my Dinner (always at the early hour of Noon) I went to a number of Eating Houses with my Host, or retum’d with him to his House. If we came home, I often stay’d there afterwards, and try’d some Husbandry in their Garden, or walk’d abroad untill I knew the Neighbourhood well. The Wife, who also controul’d the Chariot, sometimes kept it by her after Dinner, while the Husband return’d to his Shop in one of their Busses. If the day were bright, she wou’d then bring me out in this Car, and over the Countrey-side. I suffer’d a Surprize, when I saw our Range of Hills, not much chang’d, tho’ with single Houses here and there built over ‘em, and Poles of Metal to carry their Electricity over the Land. But every where was a Vapour or Smoak on the brightest of days. A Stream, where I am wont to fish, was become a Sluice between Walls of Stone, and black besides, in the midst of another Town, where is nothing today but a Farm (after which this Town was nam’d, as I found). The great part of the Land about is cover’d with their Houses, and where our Farm-tracks wind, are hard Roads, where-on their Chariots continually rush by and roar. Their Towns are for the most part built of red Bricks, but blacken’d by their Smoaks, of which a great amount comes from Factorys as wide as Villages and as populous as Towns, where they make their many Goods.

On fair Saturdays, or Sundays (for they went to no Church, which much troubled me) my Host and his Wife wou’d bring their Car further abroad, and on occasion to the Sea. There I had another Surprize, for there hundreds, yea thousands of Men, Women and Children sate upon the Beaches (and many with lowd Raydeows whose Clamour assail’d my Ears); and a few score even walk’d into the shallow Sea; but all cloath’d, tho’ in such small Garments, that hid scarce any thing, of bright Colours. My Hosts wou’d likewise Bathe (as they call’d it) in the Sea, and had with them these Garments, and one for me, but I wou’d not, and contented my self with watching. What they thought to enjoy by this stay, I cannot tell, unless it were the sight of so many bare Bodys, for there was nothing but Sand blown in your Face, and Wind too cold, Sun too hot, and a clamorous Multitude of Persons and Dogs.

Their Inns are places, where you may be very well enter-tain’d, at least for Food; for Drink, ‘tis only at certain hours that their Law allows it. Their Ale is thin and has little Smack, and their Wines want strength. They have much liking for a strong Spirit out of Scotland and Ireland, that I took for Uskebaugh, a harsh Drink fit for Bogg-bred Savages. They call’d it Wiskay. Two Fruits which I cou’d not well stomach, but of which they eat a vast deal, are a Red Juicy Fruit, but very sower, that they call, Tomautows (I suppose the Tomate from the America’s), and which they eat with Flesh, and the Shaddock, or Pomple-moose, which they call, Grape-Fruit, tho’ (for the many that know it not) it is like a great yellow sower Orange, and no Grape. But of other Fruits they get a Multitude, Apples, Pears, Bananas, Oranges, Peaches, Straw-berries, Rasp-berries, and many more from the ends of the Earth, in season and out of season, both fresh, and preserv’d, some in sweet Sirop in clos’d Jars of Metal, that they call, Cans. ‘Tis also so with many other Meats, Fish, Cheeses, Butter, Honey, Preserves and Marmalades, that come from the America’s, from many Lands in Europe, from Africa, from the Indies, and from the Anti-podaean Continent.

Besides their Food and Drink, I must tell you, many of the younger sort, and especially the Girls, have a foul custom, of smoaking Tobaco in little Rowl’d Peices of Paper, which they call, Sick-Rates, because in the end they Corrupt the Lungs of many, tho’ many years after. These Sick-Rates they smoak on the Top Tiers of the Busses, in the Eating-Houses, when they drink at home with Friends, and when they are at Work. In their Tellie Play-houses (of which more anon) the Air is full of their Smoak.

Altho’ the Towns were so crowded, that you cou’d scarce stand for the press, yet they told me, a great part of the People were from home at this time. (And by October, the press was ten times worse, altho’ I was by then somewhat accustom’d to it.) For every Man that is not a Pauper, takes his whole Family with him nigh once a year, for a week, or even for a fortnight, to rest from their Labours. My Host and his Wife had taken their Excursion in May, and that but for a week. These Retreats they call Holidays, for they have but few of our Holidays, only at Christmas and Easter and by Whit Sunday, and for two or three days beside in the year. Some go to the Coasts (whence that great Throng I saw on the Sands), some to wild Countrey and horrid Mountains (to flee the Crowd), but many to other Lands, so that the humblest Merchant makes his Tour like the finest Nobleman’s Son, and not once in a Lifetime, but every year, tho’ for a meer two weeks. My Travells, that I thought some thing to be remember’d, were to them a trifling Excursion. But this comes from the great Ease of their Journeys, in Air-Craft or in their Cars, on Shipps that are sent thro’ the Water by a Furnace of Oyl in their Bellies, and in great Caravans or Trains of Coaches (but each Coach as long as a Barn) that are drawn along Rails of Metal by a Machine, that burns Oyl likewise, or goes by Electricity. The Hostelrys every where are so commodious and clean, that a Traveller wants nothing and may lie easie where ever he may pass in Europe, or (indeed) in some parts of Africa and America.

The young Men and Women of Fifteen years upwards often travell in Partys together to other Countreys. Some of’em go to Norway or to Swisserland in the Winter, in order to the enjoying a Sport, that they call Skeeing. This is nothing but to climb a great Mountain of Snow (or to be drawn up to the Summit on Wires) and to Slide down it very swiftly upon Boards that are strapp’d to your Feet. So soft is their Life become, that many of the bolder sort are uneasie, without they risk their Limbs and tire their Bodys this way. They have made for them selves all manner of such Sports. Some take Sticks with flat Peices of Metal at their Ends, that they call (forsooth) Clubs, and strike a little Ball from place to place up and down a great Park. Others joyn together in two Crews or Partys that are Enemys one to the other, and strive to kick a Ball as big as your Head between two Masts in their Enemys Ground; thousands of Men and Boys sit round on Benches to watch the outcome, and this Rabble rages like Enthusiasts out of a Bedlam. In the Summer they strike a Ball of the bigness of a Fist, with a Club of Wood that has a flat Face, while others endeavour to catch the Ball. These (and the others after Summer) send Crews from Land to Land to try which Countrey shall come off best; and all the world and the Courants, talk continually of their progress. Other Men again strike such a Ball, but more soft, from end to end of a Plot of ground across a Net, and to discomfit one the other, and this they call Tennis, but it resembles nothing our Tennis, as I have seen it in London. Others rowl heavy Balls along an Alley within doors, to knock down ten Pins, and this Sport is much like our Nine-Pins, but hundreds play at it, and thro’ the whole Night. Others run on Skates, like the Dutch, but for Sport, and besides Running, do Dance wonderfully upon ‘em, as I saw, in great Halls where the Ice is kept ever cold, even in Summer, tho’ how I cou’d not understand. Others swim in Lakes or the Sea, but under the Water, for they have found a way, to carry Air with them, and to breathe it, as far as ten or twenty fathoms down; and these go also to take Fish with Spears. Others clamber down into Caverns and Holes in the Rocks, and walk (they say) in these many miles under the ground, for the Pleasure (if there be any). Others climb the highest of Mountains and the steepest of Cliffs. Others (but few) ride Air-Craft that have no Machine to drive them, and sail but with the Wind and Air. And others (but fewer still) leap from Air-Craft, and fall thousands of fathoms, for the meer Feeling of it, but save themselves at last with a great Bag, folded at their Back, that they open out, so that it fills with the Air, and holds ‘em up, and so they come gently to ground. In all those Sports Women strive as well as the Men. In the month of October the Nations over all the World sent Crews of both Men and Women, to run, or leap, or to toss Weights, in a friendly Strife or Concurrence, in a place in Japan; and this Sport all saw in the Windows of their Tellies. (My Host told me, that what I saw came thro’ a Ball, that hung hundreds of miles above the Pacifick Ocean, but this I scarce credited.)

For most take no part in these Strivings, but look on their Tellies, to see what the rest do; or to hear a sort of Musick (from little Raydeows) that shou’d make you cover your Ears, but which they wou’d surround themselves with all day, if they cou’d; or they wager, as I said before, in great Assemblys, upon the meer Chance of some Numbers shewn upon a Table. Or if they find their Life too becalm’d, they go to a kind of Playhouses, but without a Company, where (for Heroick Plays) they may witness Tortures, Ravishings, Sorcery, and Murther, with in between (for Comedys) some crazy Folly or other, all enacted in a Gigantick sort of Tellie, but often with Colours, so that it seem the more real.