Calling Me Away (7 page)

“I’m going to have to go.” I looked at my watch. “I have an early morning run booked in tomorrow.” It was almost ten and although that wasn’t late, every moment I spent out of bed from here on out made it less and less likely that I’d keep to my training plan.

“Yeah, me too. Well, not the running thing, God forbid.”

Ashleigh grinned at me. Over the course of the evening, we had somehow found a way to be around each other without it feeling anything but normal. I’d caught her looking at me a couple of times when she thought I wouldn’t notice. I’d seen it because I was trying to steal my own private glances. She always averted her eyes quickly.

“Walk me to the tube?” she asked. It was our usual routine, but this time the question felt loaded. My pulse began to hammer in my neck. Time alone with her. I was desperate for it, but terrified she’d say something I didn’t want to hear. The air was thick with what we weren’t saying, and we avoided each other’s gaze as Haven ushered us both out, barely allowing us to say our goodbyes.

“I’ll call you about training,” I called to Jake as Haven shut the door, leaving Ashleigh and I alone.

I stared at my shoes, my hands shoved in my pockets, as we waited for the elevator. I could barely stop from reaching for her.

“You seem good. About Emma and moving and . . .”

I watched her as she kept her eyes fixed on the chrome doors, as if she was trying to stay in control.

“I am good. About Emma and moving.” I tried to be as specific as I could. I wasn’t okay being without her, but I held myself back from telling her that. I didn’t want to push.

The elevator door pinged open, and I reached inside, holding the doors for Ashleigh.

“Emma and I should have split a long time ago. It’s not as difficult as maybe it should be. And it feels good to be moving on, trying new things.” It was true. I liked being in the new place. I found living on my own wasn’t so much of a shock as I’d thought. “The triathlon’s a good focus.”

“It sounds like it. I’m pleased you’re . . . good,” she replied and gave me a small smile.

I wouldn’t be good until she was mine.

Ashleigh

I’d wanted to have him to myself all evening and now here we were, alone, and I had to work to contain my jealousy of Fiona, to not touch him, to keep from wanting him.

Even through my thick winter coat, I felt his hand at the small of my back as we exited the lift. I closed my eyes, trying to get a handle on myself.

“And your new flat? Being there, right in the city center. That’s . . . different.”

Luke nodded. “It is. But it’s good. I think you’d like it. I have an almost zero commute to work, and after the place with Emma, this feels so easy. Like it’s mine.” He words tripped into each other. “You’ll have to see it.” He sounded excited.

“I’d like that.” I hated that I’d not seen it already. I found it difficult to comprehend that there were parts of his life that I didn’t know about. “Maybe you should have a housewarming party.”

His shoulders dropped, and his lips pulled together tightly as if what I’d said upset him.

“And you should host Sunday night dinner one week.”

“Next Sunday, while that lot is in Chicago?” he asked.

Were we going to have dinner together, alone, in his flat?

Yes.

We’d stopped things at the right time. We were going to make it through as friends. Our family wasn’t going to split because we’d had sex. The thought brought relief, and disappointment. Did that mean that friends were all we would ever be? I was always going to want more from him.

“Only if you promise to cook.” I playfully poked him on the shoulder.

We headed left toward the tube. “Only if you promise to buy me a housewarming gift. A good one.”

I grinned at his mischievous expression. “I miss you,” I blurted out. Just as we had started to relax and tease each other, I had to add a layer of awkward. But I wanted to tell him. I wanted to know if he missed me.

Luke rubbed his face with his hands and stared straight ahead as we continued to the tube station in silence.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said it.” I wanted to rewind time.

“Not unless it means you’re ready to give us a shot. Otherwise it feels like a head fuck.”

I nodded. He was right. I’d asked him for this time and space, and I had to suffer the consequences.

“I’m sorry,” I said softly.

He nodded as if he understood that I wasn’t ready to trust his feelings just yet. I wanted to be ready. I wanted him to be ready—soon.

Ashleigh

For the first time in my life, I wished I had an office job. A job where I sat behind a desk and had access to the Internet. I’d been jumpy all morning—partly from all the coffee I’d been drinking, and partly because of my weird interaction with Luke. I’d told him I missed him and messed everything up. After he dropped me off at the tube station, I’d had almost no sleep. What I did have was a working knowledge of the four lawyers named Fiona at Luke’s law firm. I was pretty sure our winner was Fiona Pritchard. Her Facebook picture showed her in running gear and a number strapped to her vest. I couldn’t see any other photos of her because she’d selfishly set her privacy settings to anti-stalker, but she definitely seemed the most likely candidate.

Hearing Luke talk about another woman had properly shown me the consequences of the choice I’d made. I knew if he decided to be with someone else—Fiona or another girl—it meant that there had never really been a chance for us. Still, it didn’t mean it didn’t hurt. I’d wanted us to have some time apart for Luke to realize he couldn’t live without me because he was in love with me. I hadn’t counted on jealously obsessing over Fiona Pritchard.

She looked more serious in her official work photograph on the firm’s website, but not unattractive. Not an obvious knockout, but then again, I wasn’t going to start throwing stones. Her firm profile said she was in Planning and Environmental. I didn’t know much about what Luke did, but I was pretty sure that meant they were in separate departments. I couldn’t decide if that was a good thing or a bad thing. Good, because they wouldn’t see much of each other, but bad because they’d be less concerned with getting involved.

Despite the fact I’d spent half the night stalking Fiona, I hadn’t quite got my fill. I hadn’t memorized every detail of her face. She looked about the same age as Luke, but I wanted to check again. I wanted to take another look. Was she the girl who would be the one to drive the nails into the coffin of Luke and me?

“You can take your break now if you like,” the nurse in charge said. “You go off and get yourself something to eat. You’re looking pale.”

Food was the last thing on my mind, but I was grateful that she’d relieved me early. Just as I was leaving the hospital grounds, my phone vibrated. Haven.

“Hey, how’re you doing?” I asked.

“On lunch. Thinking about you. How was last night?”

“Last night?”

“You know, between you and Luke after you left our place? I mean, it seemed good between you guys when we were having dinner.”

It had been good. I always enjoyed time with Luke.

“Yeah, that’s the point though, isn’t it? We stopped things before we couldn’t go back to being friends. You said it yourself when you first found out about us—if it’s not okay between us, then you’ll be forced to choose and our family gets split up.”

“I should have never said that. I was shocked and speaking before I’d thought about it. You know how I do that.” Her voice was solemn. “I mean . . . I’d never choose one of you over the other. We’ll always be family.”

Haven shouldn’t be feeling bad. She had made a really good point. “But you were right. It might not happen straight away, but if Luke and I can’t get along then we’ll drift apart. I can’t lose either of you.” I wished we were having this conversation face to face. I needed a hug.

“So you’re giving up on something happening between you and Luke because you’re afraid it won’t work and you’ll fall out and lose both of us?” That was exactly what I was afraid of, but I wasn’t giving up on Luke.

“The way I see it is that he can’t possibly have the feelings for me that I have for him. I mean, you know how I’ve felt about him my whole life. Now suddenly he’s single for the first time in forever and he wants me? I just think if he can turn it on that quickly, he can turn it off just as fast.” My stomach flipped at the thought that I may have lost him already. “It would kill me, properly break my heart, if I let myself think we could be something and then later down the line he decided he wanted someone else. And on top of a broken heart, I’d lose my family. I mean, what would I have left?” My stomach churned at the thought of losing Haven and Luke. I guessed I could start again in Hong Kong if that happened. I’d need to get away. “And if we stayed together, I couldn’t go through my whole life knowing that I feel more for him than he does for me. That would turn me inside out eventually.”

“I get it. I do. But, you know, sometimes it’s worth the risk. Is it worth losing him to some girl at the office because you didn’t want to take a chance?”

“I think if he can get serious about someone else then he and I were never going to work in the first place. I’d rather know that now.” It would be painful, but less so. “Do you think I’m an idiot?”

“You’re one of the smartest girls I know. I just worry that you and Luke could be good together. I don’t want you to miss out on happiness. I want that for you. Is it just time you need?”

I didn’t want to miss out either. And I wondered every second about whether I was doing the right thing. “I need time, but Luke does too. I need him to have space to think about his other options.”

“Speaking of other options, is it weird that I’ve been researching this Fiona person?” she asked. “I mean, I understand you’re not ready to be with him yet, but at some point I’m hoping you will be.” Haven began to speak more quickly. “I’m rooting for you, and I don’t want any triathlon queen fucking it up.”

I couldn’t have loved Haven more than I did in that moment.

“Now, I’m not technically getting involved, you understand. I’m just acting like the BFF, which of course, I am.”

“Of course,” I confirmed.

“I’ve not asked Luke about her.”

I had to swallow the disappointment that surfaced in my throat, although I understood she was trying to stay impartial. “But I have asked Jake. Because, you know, I’m married to him.” I could hear the grin in her voice. “Apparently Luke’s never mentioned her before.”

“Right,” I said, trying to keep my delight from seeping into my voice.

“But that’s good. If he was into her, he’d have said something to Jake.”

I wasn’t convinced. There were a million reasons Luke wouldn’t confess his urge to get naked with a coworker to Jake. One, Jake was married to his sister. Luke wasn’t known for his fast decision-making in his personal life, which was a huge part of the reason I’d struggled with the way his feelings for me had switched so suddenly. He might not have decided if he liked Fiona yet.

“She’s pretty.”

“I knew you’d be stalking her. You think she’s Fiona Pritchard? She’s not that pretty.” Haven knew exactly what to say.

“She is pretty. But I need to stop obsessing. Like I said, if he wants her then it was never going to work out between us. I asked him to live his life. This is what I wanted, and this is what he needs.” My head and my heart were in a constant battle and my head was barely winning—staving off the short-term pain for what I hoped would be a long-lasting future together.