Call the Shots (23 page)

“She wasn’t”— my mouth has gone cottony, making it hard to get my words out —“ogling anybody.”

“Oh, right.” Evelyn juts her chin out, her eyes narrowing to slits. “Tell me you didn’t see her slowly unzipping your pants with her gaze.”

I blink. “No, I did not see that.”

“What’s her name? I’m gonna have Nick do some digging. Tail her a bit. See what kind of home wrecker she is.”

I take a deep breath to try and bring my heart rate back from the stratosphere. “Don’t you think maybe you’re overreacting a bit?”

“Overreacting?”
Evelyn grabs my arm and glares at me, a furious purple vein pulsing in her forehead. “What am I supposed to do? Sit by and watch as she steals you away?” She gets right up in my grill, releasing her Swiss-cheesy smell like an angered skunk. “Should I just let her snatch the love of my life away? I don’t
think
so.”

Love of her life?
My junk shrivels. “She’s not snatching anything. We were just talking. That’s all. Just like I talk to people every day. Girls. Guys. Teachers. It means nothing. Less than nothing, even.”

Evelyn glances away, biting her lower lip. Then she looks back at me, her eyes starting to fill up. “Do you swear?”

“Yes. Absolutely. Totally.”

“On your”— her gaze falls to my crotch —“‘down there’?”

I blink hard. “I’m sorry, what?”

“Do you swear on your ‘down there’? It’s the only way I’ll know if you’re telling the truth. No guy wants his . . . thingamabob to stop working.”

She can’t be serious.

Oh, but I can see she’s as serious as a .44 Magnum pointed at my head. If she wanted me to swear on anything else — my arm, my nose, my brain — I’d just go ahead and do it. No question. But some things you don’t want to screw with. Just in case anyone is listening.

But then — as if God knows this chick is bonkers and wants to throw me a life preserver — a memory pops into my head.

“Yes,” I say, trying to keep my expression earnest. “I swear. On my . . . thingamabob.” In my mind I am picturing the thingamabob I made in kindergarten out of clay, rocks, twigs, and pipe cleaners. The very thingamabob that my mother still has on top of one of our bookcases. It’s a thingamabob that I’m sure would be more than happy to take a bullet for me.

“Oh, snuggy bear! I’m so relieved!” Evelyn crumples into my arms and breaks into heaving sobs, trembling and snuffling against me. It’s a more dramatic personality switch than anything I’ve seen in drama class. “I’m so sorry. I totally schmucked up. Can you ever forgive me?”

I pat her back tentatively, as the clammy warmth of her snot and tears soaks through my shirt. “It’s fine. There’s nothing to forgive.”

Evelyn drags her nose across my shoulder, then lifts her head to look at me. “Really?”

I force myself to hold her rheumy red-eyed gaze. “Of course. It was an honest mistake. No big deal.”

She leans in and administers one of her patented Miss Universe death-grip hugs. “You are the greatest boyfriend
ever.
I don’t deserve you.” She cranes her head back and sniffs up the gooey gelatinous drip that hangs precariously from her nostril. All I can think is,
Surely
I
don’t deserve
this. “I am
never
going to let you go,” she adds, and smiles big, a large mucusy saliva bubble inflating on her teeth.

I force a laugh. “That’s . . . great.”

Evelyn’s mouth bubble pops, sending a mist of spittle onto my cheek.

“I want to make it up to you,” she says. “For being a jealous Nelly. Seriously.”

I casually lift my hand to my face to wipe away the wet. “That’s really okay. There’s nothing to make up for.”

She grabs my forearms, cutting off the circulation to my hands. “I insist,” Evelyn demands, her voice deadly serious. “I won’t feel better until you let me do something nice for you.”

I can’t imagine what Evelyn’s idea of being nice entails. Surprising me with a ticket to go run with the bulls? Signing us up for couples cliff diving? Or a tour of Arkham Asylum?

Just then the late bell rings, which means if I’m not in math class in thirty seconds Mrs. Buckeen is going to make me sit in the Throne of Shame at the front of the room.

“Sure,” I blurt. “Okay.”

“Thank you!” Evelyn shrieks, bouncing up and down. “Thank you, thank you, thank you. You will
not
regret this.”

But, of course, I already do.

“I’ve got a great idea.” She shakes my arms like she’s trying to straighten out a particularly wrinkled bedspread. “Let’s go to the mall tomorrow afternoon. You and me. We can pick out your Valentine’s Day present. I want to get you something really special.”

The mall. That doesn’t sound so bad. Better than Arkham Asylum, anyway. “All right,” I say. “The mall. Tomorrow. Let’s do it.”

“Oh, you’re the bestest, snuggle bunny.” Evelyn grabs my head and practically gives me a tonsillectomy with her tongue before pulling away with a sloppy
smack.
“Four o’clock by the H&M,” she says. “And don’t be late! Toodle-oo, kangaroo.”

Then she’s gone and I can finally breathe again.

I turn and hurry down the hall, shaking off the ickiness that lingers.

It’s not until I’ve taken the two flights of stairs down to the math wing — feeling almost normal again — that I am punched in the face with the realization of how completely and royally I’ve just screwed myself.

“J
UST TELL EVELYN
you forgot that you had a doctor’s appointment,” Matt offers, unwrapping his tuna sandwich, the fishy smell wafting through the Hole — our secret storage-room hideout in the basement of the school — where me, Matt, and Coop have gathered for an emergency meeting. “Then you’ll be free to meet up with this Leyna girl.”

I shake my head. “Evelyn’s already super suspicious. Forget it. I have to find Leyna and cancel. I just wish I had her number so I could just text her.”

Coop tsk-tsks, like he’s disappointed in me. “I don’t understand why you don’t just keep your dates with both babes. You can shuttle back and forth between them. One at the coffee shop, the other at the food court. How dope would that be? You’ll be the super-stud of the Rockville Mall.”

“Yeah,
right.
Like that doesn’t have disaster written all over it.” I take a bite of my baloney and cheese on Wonder bread. “I’m just going to have to wait until after we finish the movie, dump Evelyn, and ask Leyna out then.”

Coop screws up half his face. “That is complete lame sauce, dawg. This kind of sweet sitch only comes around once in a lifetime. You’re the man with the gland, dude. Two babes wanting to paw you to pieces? You owe it to your fellow brethren to make this happen.” Coop pulls a squashed Sally Gregg Diet Meal Bar from his back pocket and starts to unwrap it. “Besides, boss. You blow this girl off now, and she’s gonna take it as disinterest. She’ll go scouting for another dude, stat. Trust me.”

“I am
not
going on two dates with two girls at the same time,” I protest. “Even if I could pull it off — which I
can’t
— it wouldn’t be fair to either one of them.”

“Don’t be such a yam bag,” Coop says. “It’s their own fault. Babes always want what they can’t have.”

Matt raises one eyebrow skeptically. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“Mattie, my son. Must I always have to be your guide to all things vagina? It’s how the female brain is hardwired. When a guy isn’t hooked up with anyone, he’s radioactive. Girls are all, ‘Eek, stay away from me.’ But when same-said dude is unavail, every girl wants him. It’s Babeology 101.”

Matt turns to me. “Just ignore him. He’s full of shit.”

Coop shrugs and takes a bite of his diet bar. “Who’re you going to listen to? Valerie’s bitch or the man with subscriptions to
Maxim
and
FHM
? I’m telling you, dawg, the whole thing’s biochem. It’s the scent you’re giving off. Before it was
eau de
desperation. Which is why you attracted Her Nuttiness to begin with. But once you were bound and tied, you started emanating fondle-me pheromones.” He pulls a second flattened diet bar — this one a Sumptuous S’more Snack — from his other back pocket. “Look, this isn’t a big ish, dawg. You can have your steak and eat it too. It’s a simple matter of time-and-place management.”

“No way.” Matt shakes his head. “Don’t listen to him, Sean. You don’t want to risk your life on one of Coop’s whacked-out plans. Trust me on this one. I almost lost a perfectly good appendix thanks to him.”

“Matt’s right,” I say, looking at Coop. “I don’t want any part of it. Maybe
you
could pull off going on two dates at once, but I’m not you.”

“You’re not me, that’s very true.” Coop stands and starts to pace. “But what if you had
me
backing you up? That would almost be as good as being me. Not only that, what if you had Matt backing me up backing you up? That’s double backage, dude. It’s like wearing two condoms at once. Protection on top of protection. You think you could pull it off then?”

Matt laughs. “Didn’t you learn anything from your safe-sex presentation with Helen?”

Coop waves this away. “Whaddya say, Sean-o? Are you ready to step into the big leagues?”

“I don’t understand how this would be any better than going it alone,” I say suspiciously. “What, exactly, are you and Matt going to do to make this possible?”

“We’ll be the ultimate wingmen,” Coop explains. “Here’s the deal. We’ll all go a little early and meet up with Leyna at DeLuca’s first. Just so she knows you didn’t bail. Then you and Matt excuse yourselves. For whatever. Matt can pretend to get a text from the lost and found saying they’ve located Sean’s phone or something. Then you both head over to H&M to greet Evelyn while I stick around the coffee shop and occupy hottie. After a few minutes, you excuse yourself from Evelyn and Matt’ll run some interference with her for a while. Easy.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Matt says. “Why do
I
have to deal with Wacky Slacks?”

“Sorry, dawg.” Coop shrugs. “You’re the only one for the job. You’re levelheaded and no-nonsense. I swear, the cops should hire you to talk jumpers down from buildings.”

“Look,” I interject. “I appreciate the offer. Really. But I don’t think I’m up to it.”

“Oh, come on,” Coop says, gesturing with his crumbling snack bar. “You can’t afford
not
to do this. If you ditch Leyna, that will be that. You don’t get second chances with a honeypot like her.”

“How would you know?” I ask. “You met her for, like, five minutes at the auditions.”

“That’s right, and I pegged her right away. She’s the insecure hottie. If a guy rebuffs her, then it’s cold-shoulder time. Look, you already said you can’t get out of going to the mall with Evelyn. My way keeps everyone happy. Including
Mr.
Happy.” He waggles his eyebrows at me. “What do you say?”

This is a really bad idea. I know this. And yet the thought of letting Leyna slip through my fingers fills me with dread. I take a deep head-clearing sniff of my palm.

Coop sits down next to me on the squeaky bench and rests a hand on my back. “It’s gonna be a piece of pie, boss. Trust me. You won’t even have to break a sweat. You’re in capable hands. Me and Matt will take care of everything.”

EXT. STREET — NIGHT

Jack and Stacy are being chased by a pack of hairy blood-drooling humanzees. They race up to an old house and BANG ON THE DOOR.

Jack pounds on the door again, but nobody answers. He looks back to see the humanzees gaining ground. He pulls a Swiss Army Knife from his pants pocket and quickly unlocks the door.

INT. HOUSE — NIGHT

Jack and Stacy stumble into the house and slam the door behind them. Jack slides the dead bolt shut. The two of them start moving furniture in front of the door and windows.

The humanzees begin beating on the doors and windows. Stacy starts to freak out.