Call the Shots (16 page)

“Enjoy that.” Matt stifles a laugh before grabbing a handful of chips.

“Chuckle away, dawgs,” Coop says. “Just wait until you catch sight of the sleeker, sexier Coopmeister on the cover of
Details.
” He runs his hands down his rounded body. “Then we’ll see who’s all green and grudging.” For emphasis, Coop takes a sip of his shake — leaving a decidedly
un
sexy pink mustache on his upper lip.

“Hello?” a female voice calls from the front door. “Is this where the casting session is?”

“In here, honey,” Coop responds.

I look over at Matt and point at my lip but he shakes his head in response to my silent question.

A moment later, Prudence Nash rounds the corner, looking hotter than any girl should legally be allowed to. She’s wearing high heels and a form-fitting charcoal-gray sweater dress that expertly hugs every curve of her bodacious body, magically highlighting her world-class, perfectly pert pooters.

“Oh . . . my,” I hear myself mutter, my heart skipping a beat.

Matt’s jaw hangs open as he backs himself into the couch and flops down onto it.

If it were actually true that excessive masturbation can lead to madness, then Prudence Nash would have sent me over the edge years ago. But as that’s just a myth, all I can blame her for is the occasional sore wrist.

Well, that and being our toughest competition at the Battle of the Bands.

Oh, right, and single-handedly trying to destroy Helen’s reputation at school.

It’s odd how she can manage to make you forget how truly evil she is simply by flipping her long hair and canting her totem-pole-inducing hips.

Prudence’s lusciously made-up face scrunches up in disgust. Clearly she’s not quite as pleased by the sight of us. “Are you fucking kidding me?
You
wankjobs?”

“Nice to see you too, Prudence,” Coop says.

Prudence narrows her eyes. “I thought this was a movie audition, not a retard convention.”

“It
is
a movie audition,” Coop says, checking his phone. “You’re a little early, babe, but I suppose we can squeeze you in.” He’s acting all confident and producery, but his bravado is completely undermined by the strawberry milk shake mustache he’s sporting.

“Thanks, but no, thanks.” Prudence turns on her heel and starts to leave.

“Hey, hey, come on, now,” Coop says. “No need to let the past get in the way of our possible future. You’ve come all this way. Why not show us what you’ve got?”

I can’t believe Coop thinks this is a good idea. Prudence is Helen’s mortal nemesis. The girl who started all the hot-dog rumors back in eighth grade. Matt and I look at him like he’s nuts, but he doesn’t even acknowledge us.

Prudence whips around and smirks, like she’s just read my mind. “Audition? For you? Really? And how’s your little girlfriend going to feel about that?”

Coop sits in the armchair and leans back, acting oh-so-chill. “Business is business, sweetheart. I think we can agree that we want to do what’s best for the movie.” He glances at us, the streak of pink pastel drying and cracking under his nose. “We’re all professionals here.”

Prudence laughs. “Yeah, you’re looking like a real pro there, Milkstache.” She taps her lip.

Coop quickly swipes at his mouth and stares down at the pink smear on his hand. He turns and glares at me and Matt accusingly. “Nice,” he mutters. “I’ll remember this.” Coop’s pissed-off expression shifts like smoke as he turns back and smiles at Prudence. “So, you’ve done some acting before?”

“Oh, sure.” She gives him the slow burn. “In fact, I’m acting right now. Like I don’t want to scratch your eyes out.”

“Well, I can’t say I’m buying your performance.” Coop leans forward, pressing his palms together. “Still, we might be able to use you. Tell me this. What are your thoughts on nudity?”

“I wouldn’t get naked for you for a million dollars,” Prudence snaps.

“Fair enough.” Coop nods. “How about for free, then?”

“Die, reject.” Prudence flips us off and storms out of the room.

A second later, I hear my front door slam.

“That went well,” Coop says.

I shake my head. “I can’t believe you were actually considering giving her a part.”

He laughs. “I wasn’t, asscup. I was just playing with her.” He shrugs. “Still, if she was willing to give us a little show before I turned her down, I wasn’t going to stop her.”

Matt rolls his eyes. “Real classy, there, Coop.”

“Oh, yeah?” Coop stares at Matt. “I’ll show you classy.” He dives on Matt and pins him to the couch. Before Matt can squirm away, Coop sits right on his head. “Payback is a dirty little whore, Matthew.”

Matt’s face is all squished up and red, his lips puckered like a fish. “Get the hell off me,” he gripes, his voice muffled by Coop’s ass.

“Just one second.” Coop scrunches up his eyes, then lets go with a surprisingly loud sputtering pants blaster, which makes me totally lose it.

“Goddamn it!” Matt heaves Coop off of him and leaps up, rubbing at his face like crazy. “You’re such a dick. You’re going to pay for that.”

“Umm,” Coop says, stumbling away, “I may have already paid for it.” He grabs the back of his jeans. “I think there might have been some fudge in that fart.” He laughs hysterically. “Which means you may have gotten a little extra sumpin’-sumpin’, there, Mattie.”

Matt looks totally pissed. He shoots Coop a sky-high finger salute, which just makes me crack up even more.

“Hold that thought,” Coop says. “I’ll be right back.” He quickly shuffles off toward the bathroom, his hand clenching the back of his pants.

My stomach hurts, I’m laughing so hard. Tears trickle out of my squeezed-shut eyes.

Even Matt can’t help himself as he starts busting up too.

A minute later, Coop emerges from the bathroom smiling. “False alarm, dawgs.” He gives us two thumbs-up. “We’re all clear on the launchpad.”

“What’s going on here?”

The three of us whip our heads around to see Helen and Valerie standing there, both of them looking seriously pissed, their arms crossed over their chests.

“Just getting ready for the casting session,” Coop says, back in producer mode.

“Really?” Helen narrows her eyes. “So why did we just pass Prudence Nash in the driveway?”

Valerie glowers at Matt. “Was she helping you guys ‘get ready’?”

There have been many times over the years when I have been seriously jealous of Coop and Matt.

But this is definitely
not
one of those times.

C
OOP HAS TO DO SOME MAJOR
verbal gymnastics to convince the girls that we had no idea Prudence was going to show up, that we had no intention of ever casting her in the movie, and that we didn’t even let her audition but ushered her right to the door as soon as she arrived.

“Okay,” Helen finally says, her face relaxing. “But I’m watching you, Cooper Redmond.”

“Watch away.” Coop grins, gesturing down at his body. “It’s why God made me.”

“Hey, hey! Is this the home of the world-famous filmmaker Seanie O’Spielberg?” Uncle Doug, wearing a blue
TEAM DOUG
hockey jersey, steps into the family room. He has a cigar-size joint in one hand and a Diet Coke in the other.

“Val, Helen,” I introduce. “This is my uncle Doug.”

“Nice to meet you,” the girls say.

“The pleasure’s all mine.” He flashes a smile then spins around. “Where’s that filthy-mouthed parrot of yours?” He wafts his joint around, leaving long gray wisps in the air like a stoned skywriter.

“You asked me to put all of the animals away because of your
‘allergies.’
Remember?”

“I know, I know. But she’s in a cage, right? I just want to say hello. It’s been so long since Uncle Doug’s had anyone talk dirty to him.”

“Ingrid’s sleeping,” I say, the harsh sticky-sweet smell of the pot smoke clawing at my sinuses. “Can you please get rid of that thing? You’re going to get me in trouble.”

Uncle Doug regards his Diet Coke with squinty-eyed confusion. “What? Your mom’s got something against artificial sweeteners?”

Everyone but me laughs.

I glare at my friends then look back at Uncle Doug. “You know what I’m talking about. They’ll think I was having a party or something.”

“Please.” Uncle Doug screws up his face. “Just say Uncle Doug dropped by to visit his knocked-up sis. She knows I have a prescription. It’s for my gout.” He takes another deep hit before unleashing a cumulonimbus from his mouth. “I mean, my glaucoma.” Uncle Doug laughs hysterically at this, then catches my look. “Okay, okay, I won’t take my medicine. Who cares if Uncle Doug’s in pain? Not my nephew, apparently.” With that, he makes a big show of licking his fingers and squeezing out the glowing tip. He takes a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and slips the joint inside. “Happy?”

I nod. “Thank you.”

“Cool Ranch or Blazin’ Jalapeño?” Uncle Doug asks, gesturing at the chips bowl as he plops down into one of the armchairs.

“Cool Ranch,” I say.

“Excelente.”
He grabs a handful of Doritos and starts crunching away. Hey, so, you’ve got some pages for Uncle Doug to peruse, right, boy?”

“Right here.” I grab a copy of the scenes Nessa helped me with yesterday and hand them to him. “It’s only the beginning of the movie. I’ve got a lot more to write.”

Uncle Doug flips through the pages. “Dr. Schmaloogan? Okay. Interesting.”

“It’s just a rough draft for the auditions,” Coop explains. “There’ll be changes, of course. We’re going to have all the guys read for Jack and all the girls read for Stacy. We just need to see who can act. We’ll figure out everyone’s actual roles once we’re ready to start shooting.”

Uncle Doug slaps the scenes down on the coffee table. “It’s a good start. You have Uncle Doug’s seal of approval. Honestly, it’s much better than I expected.”

I force a smile. “Thanks.”

“Sorry we’re late,” Evelyn calls from the front door. There’s a clatter and some hushed grousing before she appears in the family room with Nick and a red suitcase in tow. She waves and introduces her giant G.I. Joe brother to the group. “We took a minor detour. Nick thought he recognized someone he’s been looking for in one of the passing cars.”

Nick shrugs. “What can I say? It was a false alarm. No one was hurt . . .
too
badly.”

“Anyway.” Evelyn laughs loudly, waving it all aside. “We’re here now.”

Part of me wants to ask what he did to the poor guy he thought was their dad, but the smarter part of me doesn’t want to know.

“Where do you want me to put this?” Nick motions toward the suitcase.

“What’s in there?” I say, images of a chopped-up body flashing in my head.

“Your video camera.” Evelyn beams. “And a few other things.” She crouches down and unzips the bag. Camera equipment spills out like the guts of a disemboweled tauntaun.

“Holy crap.” I stare at the mounds of electronics. “Where’d you get all that?”

“One of my friend’s mom’s cousins is a wedding photographer. He had a few small lights, a DSLR, a wireless lapel mic, some electrical cords, and a nice tripod he wasn’t using. I thought it’d be a good idea to tape all of the auditions and, you know”— she grabs the still camera —“snap some pictures so we remember who everyone is.”

Uncle Doug grins and wags his finger at her. “I like this girl. She’s a forward thinker.”

Evelyn giggles. “‘Be prepared.’ It’s the Girl Scout motto.”

“Sweet.” Coop hoists himself out of the armchair. “Let’s set this up. We’ll look totally pro.”

Everyone descends on the equipment and stakes a claim. Valerie calls videographer while Helen grabs the DSLR. Matt says he’ll put up the lights. Coop agrees to be in charge of being in charge. And Uncle Doug volunteers to watch over the snacks.

And me, I just stand back, an uneasy queasiness in my stomach. Something doesn’t feel quite right here. It just seems a little too convenient that Evelyn suddenly has access to all of this movie stuff. Except nobody seems terribly bothered by this but me.

“I
.
WISH THAT. SOME . . . THING
. Exciting would. Happen around. Here. Once in. A while.”

Good Gandalf, Nick is the worst actor I’ve ever seen in my life. He sounds like a malfunctioning robot. I don’t know why he insisted on auditioning. We all agreed he could be the general who’s investigating the humanzees. But no. He didn’t want to just be handed a part because he was Evelyn’s brother. He wanted to show us what he could do.