Call of the White (13 page)

Alone once more, the four of us skied on between two gnarled peaks before looking down a long slope. We could already see some of the other groups down below, too small to be distinct, setting up their tents. It was getting dark and we were all cold and tired. The slope should have been an easy glide to get us home quickly but as the four of us set off down the hill I noticed Aparna falling back. She was having trouble keeping her skis in a V-shape as she glided downhill meaning that she couldn't control her speed. After a slow start she would begin speeding up until the tips of her skis crossed over and she came crashing down into the snow. I skied alongside her to offer some advice but as she fell again she decided she was going to sidestep down the hill. I could understand her trepidation but the slope was so gentle that side-stepping was unnecessary and would take an awfully long time. I tried to coax her into giving the snowplough another shot but she resolutely refused. ‘Aparna, you will only get better if you keep trying.' But it made no difference. The others began to get cold waiting for her, so I let them go ahead. I watched as they reached camp and started putting up the tent in the distance; we were still a long way off. As Aparna continued to refuse any other techniques to get her down the hill quicker, I gave up trying to persuade her.

Later that evening I found Stephanie stomping around camp digging snow viciously to pile around the already well-anchored tent. ‘She is impossible!' Stephanie fumed as we took a walk. ‘We have been doing everything for her and she just sits there!' She was referring to Aparna. I understood her frustration but the outburst alarmed me. In Antarctica the team were all likely to get on each other's nerves from time to time and we'd have to learn just to get on with it. I asked myself if Stephanie would be able to do that.

Kim from Jamaica was also a worry. The trainers, myself included, spent most of our time trying to reign in her inherent chaos. I'd spoken to her several times about the importance of keeping track of her kit and taking responsibility for looking after her equipment. She'd got a lot better but the days still usually started and ended with a general camp-wide search for her lost clothing. ‘I thought the hardest thing out here would be the skiing,' she tried to explain, ‘but actually the hardest thing is keeping track of three layers of clothing. At home I'm used to wearing one layer and I can't lose that because I'm wearing it. Out here I have three pairs of everything.' That night she couldn't find her hat. Next morning, as her group packed away their tent, it appeared in the snow underneath; they'd been sleeping on it.

The last day of the mini-expedition had a celebratory feel to it. The wind had dropped completely and the sun came out, transforming the moody world of white we had come to know into a pristine landscape of sparkling crystals. The route back to the hut took us over a wide frozen lake and we halted halfway across it to put up the tents and have some lunch. I marked out a racecourse nearby and split the group into two for a sledge relay race. The candidates took it in turns to pull a sledge around the course with Mark and Jim as the load. Instantly competitive, the girls cheered for their team as they belted around the track. It was very close until it came to Alecia from Jamaica. There was no doubting her determination, her face was creased with serious willpower, but she wasn't able to pull the weight of the sledge. She wasn't the smallest woman in the group (Era from Brunei was smaller); the problem seemed to be that she was too flexible. Every time she took up the strain and prepared to push forward, she'd bend at the hips like a straw folding in half, and the sledge wouldn't move. We slowed down the opposing team to give her a chance but even so she was painfully slow. Her problem came as a surprise as she had been strong on her skis. I had initially been more worried about Era. As the smallest in the group I wondered if she would be able to pull the same weight as the others but throughout the mini-expedition she had made a point of being right at the front of the group, powering uphill with the biggest loads. She had obviously anticipated my concern and set out to show me what she could do. The other trainers had noticed too and commented on how impressed they were with her stamina.

By late afternoon we were approaching the hut. The sun had dipped in the sky and was staining the snow with blushes of soft pink and purple. The group slowed to almost a dawdle as if no one wanted the trip to end. The selection had never been far from anyone's mind but as the candidates unstrapped their skis at the door of the hut, the thought closed around everyone: who would be leaving tomorrow?

After dinner I ushered all the candidates out of the hut into their separate accommodation so that I could speak to the trainers about the selection in private. The trainers had all spent as much time as I had with the girls and so I was interested in their opinions about who was working well within the group. We sat around the open fire, enjoying a bottle of whisky that had been produced from somewhere. I looked around at the faces of the trainers; they all looked destroyed. The week had taken its toll and I felt a wave of gratitude for these wonderful friends who had worked so hard: Peter who had driven the Land Rover up and down the treacherous road several times a day running errands; Al and Elliott who had yomped through knee-deep snow with their heavy cameras and equipment to film the group; Rob who had braved blizzards with his camera and spent long hours with me in the office updating the website; Sarah who had produced endless cakes and biscuits from our scanty stores; Mark, Jim and Jo who had spent long days in the cold coaxing and encouraging the candidates. Norway wouldn't have been possible without their enthusiasm.

We all agreed that the candidates had shown impressive guts in taking on everything we had thrown at them in such a short space of time. Each day as we had added an extra layer of complexity I had wondered if today was the day we would push it too far and see the girls crack, if today would be the day that someone wanted to go home. Despite the fact that some of the candidates had clearly struggled, no one had come close to giving in or had shown signs of Arctic Shock, and they were all genuinely still enjoying themselves. In the past I'd led far more experienced groups of people in the Arctic who hadn't shown nearly as much resilience. I talked through each selection with the trainers. They were as sorry as I was to be sending anyone home: all the candidates had worked so hard that it seemed cruel.

We talked about Cyprus first. The trainers confirmed my own instinct that Stephanie was the right choice but losing Athina was going to be a huge wrench. All through the training she had shown such courage but the hard truth was that she still didn't have the confidence she would need for Antarctica. If she was part of the team she would need a lot of reassurance which would be an unfair demand on the other team members.

The New Zealand selection was unanimous. Although we all liked both Melanie and Charmaine, Charmaine was the stronger candidate. Out of the two Bruneians, Era had impressed everyone with her show of endurance and her practical common sense. Equally clear was the Singaporean selection. Sophia had been a calm and efficient influence in every group she had worked with, whereas Lina had remained noticeably aloof. None of the trainers had any worries about Barbara being automatically selected for the team. She had been strong physically as well as a great team player, always at the centre of the laughter, always the first to encourage others who were having difficulty. She was a natural.

The Jamaican selection had been decided conclusively by Alecia's performance in the sledge race. Her inability to pull a sledge put her out of the running and yet, until that point she had been the clear favourite. The discussion turned to whether we felt Kim would be a suitable team member. At the start of the week most of the trainers would have said no. She was a very dominant character within a group and so talkative that it suppressed everyone else. On top of that she had found the skiing difficult and was struggling to get herself organised. But over the week we had noticed a significant change. She had worked hard at the skiing and mellowed out within the group. Perhaps her over-dominance was down to nerves and as she became more comfortable within the group she would fit in better. We decided that Kim should be offered a place on the team but that I needed to make clear to her the points she needed to work on.

Most difficult of all was the Indian selection. Neither Reena nor Aparna had struck anyone as particularly suitable. Aparna was great fun and had been good at pulling the sledges as well as being a powerhouse at the pre-expedition admin but, in several instances, she had caused friction within her tent groups There were reservations about Reena, too. She was strong but surprisingly out of shape considering she led treks in the Himalaya for much of the year. Everyone expressed the feeling that she hadn't contributed much to the team. I thought about going back to India to interview other applicants, or starting a completely new search but it only seemed fair I should give Reena a chance. If I made it clear how close she had come to not being selected and how much she needed to work on engaging with the rest of the team, perhaps we would see a difference.

It was early morning by the time we had finished talking. As the training team drifted off to bed I was reluctant to sleep. The next day was going to be tough. I remembered how I had felt ringing unsuccessful candidates after the interviews. If I had felt like a villain then, tomorrow was going to be much, much worse.

I gathered the candidates together in the morning after breakfast and told them how impressed the trainers had been with their performance. ‘Today I have to make a horrible choice and seven of you will be leaving us. I will be speaking to all of you one by one this morning but I hope that whatever happens today you will all leave Norway with good memories.' The candidates were asked to stay in the accommodation block until they were called over individually. Once they had seen me in a small anteroom, the trainers were ready to accompany the girls over to the hut where they could wait for the others. I didn't want those that had been selected to break the news to their country partner. It would be better for them to hear it from me.

I asked for Athina first as she was the one I was dreading telling most of all. I knew she would be devastated. She was nervous as she came in and sat opposite me. I suddenly felt embarrassed and didn't know where to begin but this was one of those moments where I needed to push my own feelings aside and be ‘Felicity the expedition leader' that the candidates needed and deserved to see. This wasn't about my feelings, this was about Athina. As I told her the news I saw her face change. I could see that my choice wasn't a surprise to her but that she hadn't given up hope. As we talked it over she started to cry, trying to wipe her tears away, angry with herself for letting them come. I couldn't bear seeing her so heartbroken and gave her a big hug. She sobbed on my shoulder, ‘Thank you for the experience. I have had such a good time.' Jo came to give her a hug and, with Athina still sobbing, guided her over to the hut. I let out a long sigh as I fought back tears of my own. I had expected this to be hard but it was far worse than I'd imagined.

I was crying again as I broke the news to Stephanie, this time in response to her emotional reaction to being selected. She looked at me wide-eyed for a second before jumping round the room, hugging everyone in sight, tears flowing. Before she left I cautioned her that Athina was upset and to tread lightly. Stephanie understood, and I knew I could rely on her to be sensitive.

Alecia's reaction was also heartbreaking. I explained that, in the end, it had just come down to the sledge-pulling. She pleaded with me to reconsider, promising to go away and train so that she would be able to pull the sledge. She valiantly tried to hold back the tears but they came eventually and I couldn't stop myself welling up with her. When she could see that the decision had been made, she wiped her eyes with a smile and stood to leave.‘Well, I have learnt a lot and I will always be grateful for that.' We hugged and she left.

Kim came in shortly after and in many ways this was a tougher interview. I was giving her good news but I also needed to make sure that she knew her place was dependent on her getting organised and showing that she was able to look after herself. ‘The Kim we saw at the beginning of the week wouldn't be on this team,' I explained to her. ‘But we can tell that you've really been trying this week. The skiing got better and you are listening more and getting some systems in place. You are still a long way off but I believe you'll get there if you work at the fitness and at getting organised.'

Kim listened quietly. I was worried that she would be offended at such blunt feedback but instead she nodded her head seriously. ‘I will do whatever it takes,' she said solemnly. I believed her.

Sophia took the news that she had been selected so casually that at first I wondered if she had understood my meaning. Her reaction puzzled me. I knew that she perceived herself as the underdog of the Singaporean candidates and had assumed from the start that Lina would be chosen, but she didn't show any sign of surprise or delight. I began to wonder if I had made a mistake but before she left she said something that explained her subdued response. ‘I must talk to my husband and my kids. There will be a lot of pressure in Singapore for me to succeed.' More than any of the other candidates Sophia had appreciated, even at this early stage, the responsibility they were taking on in terms of national expectations. Her mind had not paused at celebration and triumph; it had fast-forwarded to the months of hard work ahead and the challenges she would face.

Lina was the only candidate that took the rejection badly. It was clear that she had assumed she would be chosen and I wondered if perhaps this was why she hadn't engaged with the group, thinking that she had plenty of time to get to know them later. She demanded an explanation. ‘You are very fit, very focussed and very methodical which are all great qualities and I've no doubt that you would get to the pole,' I began, ‘but I think you see the challenge as you against the conditions rather than seeing the challenge as creating a team that will succeed.' Lina nodded in silence, stood abruptly and left, leaving the door open behind her.