Call Home the Heart (46 page)

"If this Lochlainn Roche is as reliable as you say, it shouldn't be
difficult."

 

 

As much as she dreaded to think what would happen once she left, she
knew she had to go. Her father needed her, and her mother as well.
They would never forgive her if she didn't come. She wasn't even
sure that she would be able to forgive herself.

 

 

 She rose from her chair and began flicking through her
paperwork, sorting things into three bundles in terms of their
priority. "Thank you for the food stores. They'll come in handy
while I'm away."

 

 

Neil cleared his throat uncomfortably. "Muireann, if I may say so,
you've done a wonderful job here, and accomplished far more than I
could ever have imagined. It took a great deal of hard work and
courage, but you swallowed your pride and got on with things. You've
made Barnakilla as much of a success as it ever will be, but it
isn't your home. I really think that you should find yourself a
buyer, and come home to your family where you belong."

 

 

She shook her head. "This is my home. At least, I've tried to make
it mine, not something I inherited from Father or any man, but a
place I created out of my own hard work and determination. I've been
independent for the first time in my life, and it's been a wonderful
feeling. You tell me I should sell, but it would be like hacking off
a limb if I were to leave. These people are counting on me. If I
sold the estate, no one would want to keep so many old and sick
people, or so many families with young children.

 

 

"And I know what you're going to say," she said, forestalling him
with one hand.  "What everyone tells me.  That I 
should send them to the workhouses. But you wouldn't dare to say
that to me if you had ever been inside one of those establishments
and seen what I've seen.

 

 

"No, I'm sorry, I can't do it. I can't give up on these people now.
Not with the Famine and everyone counting on me to make the right
decisions. They trusted me with their lives by staying on this
estate to work for me, or by coming here when they were evicted from
the neighboring estates.

 

 

"I know how hard times have been, Neil. I also know that things are
going to get a lot worse before they get better. But I've made up my
mind. I won't do it. I can't just abandon them, no matter how much
business sense you tell me it will make."

 

 

Neil could see he was getting nowhere with her at the moment.
"There, now, please don't upset yourself, child. We don't have to
make any decisions this minute. Come back home to Fintry, see your
father, and we'll talk again in another few weeks."

 

 

Muireann was torn. She knew that Neil was only proposing she sell
because he was so worried about her ragged appearance, but she felt
trapped, as if she were being manipulated in some way. She
definitely did not want to leave in these circumstances. Yet what
choice did she have? She just had to have enough self-confidence not
to allow her family to coerce her into staying there once she got
home.

 

 

Muireann also knew she was reluctant because she hated leaving
Lochlainn, even though matters had reached an impasse between them.
She needed time to solve that problem as well. She was not about to
blurt out her undying love for him as her boat sailed away from the
dock.

 

 

She also knew how upset he would be at her leaving: she was certain
he would take it as a sign of betrayal. But surely her father's
illness had to count for something?

 

 

At length she nodded. "All right, I'll come. Give me a chance to get
some things together, and leave my instructions with Lochlainn. We
can sail tomorrow morning on the tide. If I may, I'll show you to
your quarters for the night now, gentlemen. I'm sure you will
appreciate that I have much to do if we're to depart tomorrow. The
tide is at nine, by the way, so I'll make sure you're roused in time
for breakfast."

 

 

"Nine will be fine," Neil said. He looked as though he would have
said mmore, but decided that in her current mood there was little
point in trying to persuade her to look at things from his point of
view. It was best to just stay out of her way until the idea of
selling could sink in.

 

 

"Please, don't let us keep you. We have many things we could be
attending to on the boat, and I'm sure there will be plenty of staff
on hand should we require anything."

 

 

She bit back a sharp retort, and merely smiled. Really, how could he
act as though he were in his own fine drawing room back home? But
then, he had never known a day's want in his entire life. Besides,
the mark of a proper gentleman was never to show emotion. He thought
she was a failure, but he had been too kind to say so.

 

 

Muireann gritted her teeth. She had only failed once in her life,
and that had been in her marriage. Despite that failure, she had
learned some valuable lessons. She was not about to sacrifice
everything she and her newfound friends had achieved to go scuttling
back to the old dull life she had once led, however pampered that
life had been.

 

 

She conducted them to Lochlainn and Ciara's cottage, where she
briefly explained matters and thanked Ciara for her cooperation.
Then she turned her attention back to her guests.

 

 

 "I shall leave you in Ciara's capable hands, and see you at
the docks in the morning. I'm sorry to be so rude, but we'll have
plenty of time to catch up on everything when we sail to Scotland
together."

 

 

She hurried out of the cottage before they could delay her any
further. Once back in her office, she flung herself into a chair,
and began to write as though her life depended upon it. She issued
written instructions concerning all of the work in the various
industries, and recalculated the food rations in light of all the
provisions Neil had brought with him from Scotland.

 

 

"At least they won't starve," she muttered aloud as she sat working
at the desk as though her life depended on it.

 

 

Which in a sense it did. She knew she could trust Lochlainn. It was
her family she couldn't trust. If Neil and Philip decided to stop
trading with her because they wanted to coerce her into selling and
remaining in Scotland, well, God help them all.

 

 

And with her father's illness, she had no idea when she was going to
be able to return to him and Barnakilla. She had to prepare for
every contingency, and swallow down the nauseous feeling in her
stomach that after tonight, she might never see Lochlainn again.

 

 

CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE

 

 

 

"Are they settled in?" Lochlainn asked  much later, as he
popped his head around the door at eleven that night. He had seen
Muireann's candles still blazing as he headed for the workshop loft
to bed down for the night.

 

 

"Yes, everything's fine. Thank you for letting them stay in your
cottage."

 

 

She wondered if he knew she was leaving. He didn't seem to be unduly
agitated. He had left her alone to get on with her work all day.
Everyone had. She only prayed she had thought of everything, for
once she was gone, she had no idea when she was ever going to come
back.

 

 

"I'm glad to help. Well, I'll be off to bed now," Lochlainn said,
his gaze lingering on her lovely face for a brief moment.

 

 

It was enough of a sign for Muireann to push away from the desk and
reach out her hand to him. "Please stay, Lochlainn?"

 

 

He stared at her, holding his breath, hardly daring to hope. "But I
thought-"

 

 

"No, don't think. Just hold me, love me, Lochlainn."

 

 

"I do, Muireann I do," he moaned, as he began to smother her face in
kisses.

 

 

Now who was betraying whom, she wondered with a sick pang. She
hadn't told him she was leaving the next day. She had issued all the
instructions by letter. She was creeping away like a coward. But she
needed him. She couldn't leave without spending one last night with
him.

 

 

She planted hot molten kisses all over his face and throat, stroking
him to a fever pitch of excitement.

 

 

"Muireann, slowly, slowly, we have the whole night," Lochlainn
gasped as she flipped him onto his back and joined with him in a
fluid movement of her supple hips.

 

 

"I need you now, please!" she urged, gripping him with her powerful
inner muscles, and alternating soft and languorous, with hard and
quick strokes.

 

 

"Muireann, no, don't!" he nearly shrieked as she stroked his tender
inner thighs until he completely spiraled out of control. He almost
impaled her as he grasped her hips and pushed upwards with one
mighty stroke. Muireann cried out her love for him, and collapsed
onto his chest, sweat-soaked and trembling.

 

 

Lochlainn couldn't understand the change in her. He sensed her inner
struggle between wanting and needing him, and keeping her distance
because the differences between them still hadn't been resolved.

 

 

Never once did he suspect that she was planning to leave. He was
merely stunned at her ardor and grateful that she seemed to have
forgiven him.

 

 

He made the most of her uninhibited mood to experiment with her,
entwining their limbs in all sorts of impossible positions which
even Muireann had to giggle at despite the secret weighing down her
heart.

 

 

"I saw it in a naughty book once. It looked like a good idea at the
time," Lochlainn laughed.

 

 

She stared at him and stroked his cheek tenderly. "You know, I think
that's the first time I've ever heard you really laugh since I've
known you," Muireann sighed as she snuggled against him, and noted
once again just how perfectly they fit together. "It's been hard for
you looking after me and the estate. I never meant to be a burden to
you."

 

 

"You haven't been.  Just the opposite," he said softly, looping
her arms around his neck to draw her closer to him. "To tell you the
truth, the house has always been like a millstone around my neck. I
wanted to leave a thousand times when I was younger. But my father
or my aunt would persuade me to stay.

 

 

"I resented him like mad, but he was my father, even if he refused
to publicly acknowledge myself or Ciara. I suppose he never loved my
mother, just used her, though Aunt says she was a fine woman,
lovely, full of life and joy until she died having my sister. Aunt
said we look like her. She had dark hair, and green eyes. Mine have
a certain greenish tinge if you look at them in the bright light."

 

 

"It must have been a very lonely childhood."

 

 

"It was a lot of the time, though as I got older at least I was
given a good education."

 

 

She lifted her head to gaze into his eyes. "But it doesn't make up
for the lack of love. I ought to know. My father was always so
strict with me. I know he was doing it to protect me, but all the
same…" Muireann sighed again, trying to push such thoughts away. She
was determined not to be gloomy on the last night she would spend
with Lochlainn for a long time. Perhaps forever.

 

 

"And your mother?" he asked softly.

 

 

"Strict as well, more strict with me than Alice, the ever-dutiful
daughter."

 

 

"Do you look like her or him?"

 

 

"A bit of both really," Muireann replied after a time.

 

 

"They must both be very handsome, then," he said, planting a kiss on
her rosy lips.

 

 

"My sister is the gorgeous one in the family, blond-haired,
statuesque. I could never compete with her."

 

 

He stroked down the long length of her back and cupped her to him
even closer. "My dear, you wouldn't have to. Every man in the room
looks only at you whenever you walk in."

 

 

 A blush began to heat her cheeks. "It's kind of you to say
so."

 

 

"What do I have to do to convince you that you're lovely?" Lochlainn
asked as he kissed her eyelids.

 

 

"I could think of a few things, but only if you're up to it," she
said with a grin, moving her hand down lower.

 

 

"You do have the most wonderful ideas sometimes, Muireann," he
purred, as she stroked him from head to toe, kneading and massaging.

 

 

I want to remember this always, every inch of flesh, every movement,
every gesture, she reflected as she caressed Lochlainn.

 

 

But soon he took control of her body, of their incredible passion,
stroking her until she couldn't hold back any longer. She reached
her ultimate fulfillment while he watched her delight eagerly.

 

 

"Lochlainn please, come here," she panted, opening to him like a
flower.

 

 

"Gladly, my love, so long as you come with me again."

 

 

 

 

 

Much later he remarked quietly, "I wonder if it will always be like
this between us. Even when I hold you in my arms, even when I fill
you, touch the very core of you, I still want you so desperately.
Sometimes I feel as if I'll go mad without you.  At times it
gets even worse when I'm inside you. I don't have the words. I don't
know how else to describe it," he added when he noticed her frown.

 

 

She kissed him softly. "Then don't even try, just feel."