Caged by Damnation (15 page)

Kai. I churned the name around in my mind. It had a distinctive quality to it. It would roll off the tongue nicely. I doubted that I would meet another Kai in my lifetime. I had expected something more obscure, a name I wouldn't be able to pronounce or something easily repulsive. Kai was lovely in a masculine sort of way. Death even looked like a Kai. He was dark, strange, and there was something hidden beneath the austere way he carried himself, more to him than simply someone who left a trail of dead plants in his wake. If there weren't, he wouldn't care if I hated him.

"I love it. Your name, I mean. I love your name." I fidgeted, grasping the fringe on the pillow beside me, and bit my lip to keep myself from saying something ridiculous.

I hadn't been aware of him moving, but suddenly I felt his weight beside me on the chaise. He pried my fingers from the pillow and turned my hand over to examine my palm while I looked up at him. His eyes were narrowed, regarding my hand.

"What is it?"

Kai glanced up before settling his gaze back on my palm. "Just trying to see the parts of you kept secret."

I tore my hand away. "If you can keep yours, I can keep mine." I nodded at the balcony and stood, placing distance between us. It made me feel cold, which only irritated me further.

He narrowed his gaze. "My touch makes you that uncomfortable?"

It was clear he thought I was sickened by him. It was tempting to explain, but I knew it would be better if he thought his touch was abhorrent to me. It would keep him from initiating contact in the future, but the pain reaching towards me was unbearable. To keep myself from speaking, I turned and left. Just before I cleared the doorway, I looked back to see him in the same position on the chaise, staring at the empty space I had just occupied. My soul ached for the hurt I had caused, but it was for the best. It needed to be done, right?

CHAPTER 10

Savannah's Journal

A swarm of envy had taken hold of my sanity. Life was too chaotic, a collaboration of bad experiences, a screwed up present, and a future I was certain held more pain than my childhood. Sometimes I wondered if I had never truly left my cage. After so many years, perhaps it was possible that I had descended into a state of delusion, unaware of the truth behind the fictitious reality I had built. I envied ordinary humans with their simple lives. It would have been nice if my only problem were getting an A in Spanish or finding a date to a dance. I would have cherished a life in which I didn't need to worry about survival, or which loved one would die next. If my only problems were guys and school, I would be able to find a semblance of tranquility. If I were blissfully unaware of the paranormal undercurrents that were constantly at war around me, I might have enjoyed each breath for what it was, rather than worried that it might be my last.

SAVANNAH

I gasped, fighting for oxygen, while the others congregated in a protective circle around me. A small laugh escaped between my wheezes. Their attempt to guard against my mental breakdown was futile, but flattering. Even Isis had taken a defensive stance, altering her gaze between corners, the door, and the skylight. She was ready for a fight, and it was too bad I couldn't hand her one.

Ash held my head in his lap, gazing down at me, while Liam applied a cool cloth to my temples. Ash's eyes were fiery. At first, I thought he was angry since he usually was when his element displayed itself in his irises. Then I realized that though the color spoke of fire, the movement within was closer to soft waves of lava. I had never seen his eyes take on that emotion.

Tears slid past the corners of my eyes, making their way towards his hands that were entangled in my hair. Instinctively, I grabbed one of them while he brushed away my tears. I planted a kiss on his palm. The others danced nervously, looking away and clearing their throats, embarrassed at being a part of such an awkward moment. Though I wasn't bothered by them witnessing my vulnerability.

Caught in the moment, I didn't initially notice Izzy as she broke through their ranks to come to my side. Her movements were exact and defensive, but with a glide that told me she was ready to go on the offensive. She exchanged a peculiar glance with Ash before touching my forehead.

"I'm okay." My voice was raspy, the way it would be after a bout of screaming at a rock concert. I winced, and that slight movement caused aches to spread throughout my body.

"
Okay
, is
not
how I would describe you right now," Ash said, looking away. I wasn't sure he was aware that he had spoken aloud until he looked down at me with worry in his eyes. "You look like hell," he laughed.

The others dispersed, going back to their search and giving me a few moments alone with Izzy and Ash. "It was a vision. I'm kind of getting used to them, but I don't normally get knocked on my ass from them."

"A vision? Do you normally scream like a banshee? You're lucky that Liam is quick on his feet and locked the sound in this room. Otherwise, we would have the entire compound arresting us right now." His mocha-colored eyebrows drew together; his lips thinned into a line that screamed judgment at me.

As if I could have stopped myself when I hadn’t  been aware I was making noise. "I can't help when they happen." Shrugging, I sat up as slowly as I could manage. "They surprise me too."

I tucked my chin into my knees and looked around the room. Izzy maneuvered herself to sit on the opposite side of me, away from Ash. Holding my hand, she helped me to my feet. Dizziness swept through me, like a tidal wave of anxiety engulfing the core of my being. Luckily, both of them helped me regain my footing, holding on until the moment had passed.

"I saw Asmodeus again." The name created a sense of chaos in an already chaotic environment. Griffin dropped the paperweight he had been holding, Liam slammed backwards into a wall, Isis gawked in disbelief, and Izzy's nails drew blood from my arm.

"What do you mean,
again
?" Ash half-screamed, tempering his voice with a descent into a whisper towards the end. He was filled with rage, and not the oceanic waves of lava from before. This time, his eyes held pure acid.

In the moment, I had forgotten that they didn't know the details of my previous visions, or that Asmodeus had a habit of popping up in them. They didn't realize he was merely a specter rather than a literal being. He was dead, but I had just made it sound as if he had come back to life.

"It's not like I wanted to fade away into a world where
he
exists."

Ash's shudder made me regret my words. We all knew who
he
was, and I wasn’t the only one who had a right to complain that Asmodeus was lingering around the fringes of my mind.

I quickly explained about the visions, and that Josephine had assured me that Asmodeus was a product of my mind; he wasn't real. Hearing that, everyone seemed to relax and Izzy unclenched her nails from my arm.

I told Ash in hushed tones about what I had seen in my most recent vision. His eyes narrowed, the fire gone from them, while he considered our conversation.  After hearing Asmodeus's name, he had placed space between us and his expression had become guarded. 

Isis spoke, backing away towards the door. "Are we just going to stand around while you guys whisper, or are we supposed to do something? This place gives me the creeps. So, if we aren't going to actually start looking, I think I'd like to go."

She shot Izzy hesitant glances, but halted when a resounding hiss met her words. "Okay, then. I guess I'm staying." It was almost comical how terrified Isis was of Izzy, afraid to look at her, and yet unable to look away.

Isis reminded me of Willow with sports. If an object came flying towards Willow, she knew she was supposed to catch it, but her hands would remain paralyzed at her sides. She would watch the ball, waiting for the impact, knowing that it would hurt, but rather than cower, she would face it head-on because she wasn't programmed to look away.

Isis was more afraid of what Izzy
might
do when she wasn't looking than what she might witness if her eyes remained fastened on her. I wasn't sure if she was brave or foolish. Though, I supposed Izzy would have driven everyone mad with her telepathic communication if Isis dared leave, and even I wanted to avoid that. Apparently, phoenixes were quite demanding.

"If you have a problem with standing around, why don't you make yourself useful?" Griffin snapped at Isis, obviously irritated with her complaints. Glancing away from the papers he was shuffling around, he winked at me. "I think Savannah has been through enough without having to deal with your incessant crabbiness."

Isis harrumphed, moving away from Griffin and towards some bookshelves to browse the books.

"Wait." I grabbed Ash's arm, looking inward and remembering my last sight of Asmodeus.

"What? Ignore her, she'll get over it. She's just going to sulk for a while."

Ash spoke offhand. He hadn't noticed the determined look in my eyes or the smile that lit up my face, but Izzy and Liam had.

Izzy followed my gaze to the top of the center bookcase, and Liam dragged a chair over. Ash remained still as I hurried forward. Jumping onto the chair, I stretched to see the top of the case, looking for the book Asmodeus had shown me. Liam's hands circled my waist, helping me keep my balance, while shooting Ash a guilty look.

"Maybe I should do that.... " Liam's voice trailed off. I shook my head. I needed to look for myself. I was too short to see anything, but used my hands to feel around for any object that might have been left behind. I uncovered mountains of dust and what I thought might be mouse droppings, but no book.

I sighed dejectedly. "It's not here."

Hopelessness swarmed over me, clinging to the tinges of optimism I had left, devouring it. Griffin and Isis peered up at me with disappointed expressions. Ash's face contained stone willpower, as if he refused to process my lack of success. Liam's hands had left my waist and he leaned against the bookcase, staring up at me with a casual attitude. Suddenly, it seemed foolish to follow random clues left for us by a telepathic phoenix and the ghostly remnants of Asmodeus that resided in my subconscious. What had I expected to happen?

"I'm sorry, Iz. There isn't anything here." The defeat in my voice was joined by exhaustion. Izzy's eyes flashed in irritation or anger, I couldn't be sure and right then; I just wanted to curl up on my hospital bed and forget the whole experience.

Izzy's soft alabaster neck began to spasm, generating a soft buzzing noise. Her wings swiped outward, cutting through the furniture nearest to her and toppling over file cabinets. She paced the floor, allowing her wings to smack
into everything in her path, not caring about the destruction or who might hear her.

"Izzy, I'm sorry. I don't know what else I am supposed to do!" I shouted, not in anger, but in fear, exhaustion, and guilt. I felt like I was running around blind, being led by an infant's cries and interpreting their meaning incorrectly.

I leaned my forehead against the rough surface of a shelf's edge. Tears streaming down my face, I was ashamed to look anyone in the eye. It was too overwhelming to deal with right then, in the face of death, a demon, my bizarre visions, and the attack at my home. It was all too much!

I slipped slowly into my memories, piecing parts of my life together, trying to make sense of it all. A collage of good, bad, and horrible experiences shook through my will, disintegrating and repairing, but mostly succeeding at making me depressed. I yearned for the moments of my life when I had been truly happy, and shied from the monumental amount of memories I would like to forget. I felt like a failure, adrift in a tide that swept everything around it into chaos.

A breeze swept through our group, tangling itself in my hair and tantalizing my nose. Stained with tears, I lifted my gaze and focused until my vision steadied. On the bookcase directly in front of me, was a single, long auburn hair. It reminded me of the one that had been wrapped around the scroll in the last moments of my vision, while Asmodeus had mouthed something to me – the faintest memory of a single hair escaping to settle on this very spot. Mesmerized, I picked it up to examine in it the lantern light.

"Ew, what is that?" Isis moved closer to squint at the strand I was holding up for all to see. "Girl, put that down. For all you know, it has hundred- year-old lice or something!"

I threw Isis an irritated glance and focused all my attention on the hair. Objects held memories, but pieces of a person could contain stronger messages. Had Asmodeus left this for me? How could he have left me anything when it was just a vision? Ignoring the questions pelting me, I sorted through my lessons with Josephine and sought the answers. The message was a soft whisper, but coherent enough that I heard it.

Look without seeing, touch without feeling, do not rely on your human senses, find another way. Sense that which is around and within you. Seek out your inner witch and discover that which gives you the power of angels and demons tempered by the vulnerabilities of a human. You are the greatest and weakest of us all. Trust yourself; doubt will lead you astray. Try and you won't succeed. Use your will and all will bow before you. 

The memory of Asmodeus's words wisped through my mind and I realized that the memory came from Kit rather than myself. Ordinarily, we experienced everything as one, our minds so fused together, that it was often difficult to tell where one ended and the other began. However, the words that passed through our bond were whispers of something Kit had heard while I had been concentrating on remaining in my vision. My will to remain with Asmodeus had given him enough time to pass on the cryptic message, and Kit had listened intently.

My stomach fluttered as Kit comforted me with the spiritual version of a warm embrace. When I hadn't been able to look out for myself, he has been watching my six, acquiring the knowledge I needed. However, knowing what Asmodeus had said and deciphering it were two entirely different things. Unfortunately, Kit was in the dark as much as I was when it came to the meaning.

I spoke the words aloud, looking to each member of my group for hints at understanding, but they looked as perplexed as I felt. "Look without seeing, touch without feeling, do not rely on your human senses, find another way. Sense that which is around and within you. Seek out your inner witch and discover that which gives you the power of angels and demons, tempered by the vulnerabilities of a human. You are the greatest and weakest of us all. Trust yourself. Doubt will lead you astray. Try, and you won't succeed. Use your will and all shall bow before you. "

Liam angled a crooked smile up at me. "Uh, Savannah, did that vision affect your brain somehow?"

Distracted, I spoke without thinking, "No, it's something Asmodeus said."

Ash swore beneath his breath and dropped into a nearby chair, disturbing loose dust that had been contained by the moth-eaten cushion. "I thought you said he wasn't real. So … why exactly are we listening to what a homicidal demon says to you in your visions?" He didn't bother to shield his irritation or anger from me. His cards were laid out in the condemning stare directed towards me.