Cado (19 page)

My world was Lucian; everything began and ended with him.

I awoke in Lucian’s arms, my head resting on his chest, his heart beating steadily under my ear. His exotic scent was sharper somehow—more potent, and it affected me like a drug. He was a drug.
My
drug. My eyelids, even though they’d just opened, became heavy again with lust as I pushed up to study Lucian. He had tucked his wings away, hidden them from sight. In his present state, he appeared like a regular human male. More exotic, more stunning than any man I’d ever seen, but just a man all the same. It was hard to believe that he was the first fallen angel. It was even harder to believe that he had fallen for me. If what I’d learned was true, then Lucian was grossly misunderstood. He wasn’t evil, not really. He was just like me—or was I evil too and simply not know it?
Do villains ever know they’re bad?
Maybe they were like the truly insane who never questioned their own crazy? I wasn’t good by most definitions, that was for sure. Anyone who killed wasn’t pure of soul, no matter the reason they stole lives. But just because I wasn’t pure, did that make me a villain, or merely a little tainted?

Did I have any real chance of escaping Lucian? He knew all my tricks. And besides that… If I had truly become evil, wouldn’t I end up in Hell when I died anyways? I nibbled on my bottom lip and did something I hadn’t done in a long time. I prayed. I prayed for guidance. A sign…something…anything to steer me in the right direction. I knew that choosing Lucian would be a mistake for the rest of the world, but why should we be denied happiness? Why did me choosing him have to have such dire consequences? Hadn’t we both suffered enough? Why were we still being punished for something as pure as love? Love was good, wasn’t it? Back before Lucian had fallen and I’d merely been Nyssa, things were pure, at least in comparison. Were the memories of my first life as a human kept from me because I would have made very different choices in the lives since that one? Wasn’t that tampering with my free will since that knowledge had seemingly been kept from me on purpose?

A sudden blindingly bright light appeared a few feet away from where Lucian and I laid. I brought my hand up to cover my eyes.

Lucian was on his feet with me in his arms before I had the chance to blink. “You have no right to be here,” he snarled.

“She prayed for guidance. For help. That gives me the right to go anywhere.” As soon as my eyes focused, I immediately recognized Michael from the memories Lucian had shared with me. “You know the rules—free will, brother.” Michael spat the last word like it was an insult. Or like he hated the fact that he and Lucian were related in any manner.

Lucian’s gaze swung to meet mine and there was no hiding the hurt expression that hardened his features. “Did you—did you pray for help?”

My stomach knotted. “I’m sorry. I—I’m so confused. What I learned—it—it—I don’t know what to do about anything anymore.”

Lucian dropped me to my feet and went to his knees in front of me. “Don’t do this.” His plea was simple, short, his face cold and hard. His eyes held a wealth of pain for me to see though, despite his blank expression.

I ran my hand through his silky locks and he swayed into my touch. “I don’t want to be the cause of the apocalypse. I couldn’t live with that. I just couldn’t. Even the me that I’ve become in this life, who I am today, couldn’t deal with that.” I wanted to be with Lucian, I couldn’t deny it in that moment—I didn’t want to deny it at all anymore. Admitting you have a problem is usually half of the battle, and loving Lucian was a huge problem. I wanted to be with him more than anything else—except one thing—for the world to continue on the way that it was. Sure it had vast room for improvement, but Hell on earth wasn’t the way to go.

I slipped past Lucian and walked over to Michael, finally registering that I was naked. Clothes appeared on me and I wasn’t sure who had given them to me. Not that it mattered in that moment. I paused. “Lucian, I—”

“This isn’t over,” he said, voice flat while still facing away from me. “This isn’t over by a long shot.”

“Free will,” Michael stated with a sneer.

“She will choose me…of her free will.” Lucian stood, his eyes burning like molten lava. “I will never let her go. Never.” He stared at me, his face impassive. “You belong to me.”

I notched my chin up. “I belong to no one but myself.”

“I’ve marked your soul, my Karma. How do you think I find you time after time? When Nyssa and I—when you and I made love for the first time, I marked you just as you marked me. It’s why you feel the things that you do. It’s why you have the urges that you do. We’re connected. Nothing can change that. No matter how many times you’re reborn or no matter how many times they try to take you from me… I will find you. And eventually you will be all mine.”

Lucian’s wings whipped out from behind him…expanding, expanding and expanding some more. They grew until they seemed to be sucking all of the light out of the room just like I’d seen them do before, but this time I was terrified. Michael reached for me even as he gritted his teeth in seeming pain. I struggled to breath, the air suddenly thicker than it was moments before.

“Lucian,” I choked out. I swayed, spots dancing before my eyes. Michael yanked me to him just as everything went completely dark.

In the moments before I regained consciousness my mind wandered freely. Lucian had marked my soul. I didn’t bother to question whether or not that was true. It all made sense. It was the reason I felt people’s deepest sins when I touched them. It was why I had taken up vigilante justice. I was tied to Lucian irrevocably. Even when I’d been gifted with the form of an angel, I’d been connected and unable to resist him. How could I not choose him? He was right about everything. Nothing had been as I thought it was—nothing was as it seemed. Lucian wasn’t a new fixture in my life, he’d always been there, I just hadn’t known it—or rather, remembered it.

“Why did father let her be reborn at all? She’s been given more chances than any soul deserves. But why?” Michael’s voice wafted across my consciousness, pulling me farther away from sleep.

“It’s not our place to question. That’s what Lucian did—he questioned. He questioned everything,” a feminine voice replied softly.

“It’s not the same. I may question. I have my own thoughts and opinions. We all do. As long as we don’t defy him. Lucian defied not merely questioned.”

“He couldn’t keep her soul tucked away forever. She had the right to be reborn.”

“Maybe she didn’t,” Michael growled. “She should have been destroyed completely. She is the reason Lucian fell. She seduced him, changed him—”

A feminine peel of laughter cut Michael off. “Lucian wanted to be seduced. Do you really think that a mortal woman could force anything on one of our kind, especially one such as Lucian? How many women have offered themselves to you over the years? How many women have tried to seduce you, Michael? Besides, if you think she should cease to exist, to be punished for her sins…well then, maybe you’re more like Lucian than any of us know.”

“What does he see in her?” His voice softened. “Even now he covets this mortal woman. There is nothing special about her at all. We all hoped he had forgotten her by now. To learn that he’s been waiting all this time…”

“Do you feel sorry for him now? Do you pity what he’s had to suffer being separated from his love? Can you now rationalize all that he’s done because of it?”

“No. Yes. I don’t know.” A sound of frustration erupted from Michael. “I’ve never felt so uncertain about anything. I didn’t understand his torment before—and I still don’t. But I’ve seen first hand how losing the people they love can affect humans. Maybe…maybe we’re not all that different from them after all, at least emotionally. But how I feel changes nothing.” His voice hardened. “He cannot have her. They can’t be together. Her soul was meant for another. She must choose him and not Lucian.”

“You would leave your brother to suffer for all eternity without her? You are willing to do that? And what makes you so sure she’d fit this other soul anymore? Saying that she’s changed since her original life is an understatement. If she could have him, there seems to be no better suited for her above Lucian.”

“I may pity him, and maybe understand him a bit more than I used to, but he is in a Hell of his own making. He chose to fall. He chose to embrace the darkness within himself. And maybe her true soul mate could heal her. I’ve seen it happen before.”

“So what’s your plan then?”

“I wish to put Lucian out of his misery.” Michael’s voice was flat, emotionless.

The woman gasped. “You wish to end him? Permanently? With no one to rule Hell it will be even worse than ever on Earth. The other fallen, the demons—”

“One of the other fallen will undoubtedly seize control. They are all power hungry fools. With Lucian gone…”

I didn’t hear the rest of what Michael and his companion were saying. My heart was thundering in my ears and my mouth had gone dry. I knew that I couldn’t be with Lucian but I didn’t want him dead. I loved him. And because of what he was his death would be final. He would no longer exist on any plane.
I can’t let that happen.

“No, please,” I croaked. “You can’t kill him.” I was still having trouble coming to terms with my feelings, I wavered back and forth, but it was pointless to keep denying them. “I love him. You can’t just kill him.” I continued to struggle to open my eyes. “It’s my fault. You’re right. When I was Nyssa, I seduced him. I ruined him. Why should he be punished for something of my doing? Punish me, not him. Punish me.” All I cared about was saving Lucian. It wasn’t fair what had been done to him. I was the reason why he’d fallen. I was the one who should be suffering, not him. “Please, I’ll do anything.”

“It would be cruel to let his suffering continue,” the woman said. “Michael is right. It would be merciful to Lucian to end him. You can’t be with him. Nothing changes for you.”

“No, that’s not true. Knowing that he would be out there, knowing that he exists, it’s a comfort somehow, and I think it always has been despite the fact that I had no conscious memory of him. My soul felt him somehow.” I rolled onto my stomach and groaned. “Why does it have to be this way? Tell me what I can do to fix it. Tell me…please. There has to be a way I can fix it since I broke it all. It’s my fault, don’t you see? I didn’t know—I didn’t understand. I was a young girl who loved. I didn’t understand what it would do to him. But I understand now. Just tell me what I can do to fix it.” My breathing was erratic as I struggled to open my eyes, clawing at what felt like a bed underneath me. I felt off, as if I’d been drugged or something.

“It’s too late to fix anything,” Michael said. “All that can be done now is damage control. It’s time to end it. It’s gone on too long as it is.”

“No, I don’t accept that. I refuse.” There had to be a way.

“You’re human now and you don’t fully understand. Even when you were made angel, there were things kept from you. Knowledge that was best thought withheld from one such as yourself,” Michael said with an edge of disdain. “And I will not argue with you. You have no control and no power over any of this. Not really. You are a pawn in a game you will never understand.” A large hand covered the top of my head, and all went dark again.