Cadence (Ruby Riot Book 1) (32 page)

Chapter Forty-Four

JAX

Two weeks without Tegan and the hole she left in my world won’t fill. Tour over, the band switches to working on the album. I misdirect my emotions into music rather than contact Tegan. I fucked up, and she obviously doesn’t forgive me, or she’d call. The morning after my spectacular, drunken screw up, I texted and asked if we could talk. Her reply was she needed some space.

I know exactly what those words mean.

The speed with which life springs back to normality is a shock. Tegan’s right, touring with the biggest rock band in the world gave me ideas above who I was. Built up by the media and sucked into the famous lifestyle, I rode the high. Now, I’m sinking again. Nothing I do interests people at the moment as the spotlight on my life fades; the band member getting the most attention is Ruby and her growing belly.

So all that shit stirred up by the paparazzi over me and the Blue Phoenix drummer’s sister was for nothing. Tina informs me I’m still public property; but not newsworthy currently, and if I want to keep my privacy, I have to stay quiet.

Tegan’s words about believing my own hype resonate. Sure, I still have my fans who endlessly tweet and send pictures to me their mother’s would be shocked by, but apart from that most have backed off.

Not for long. When this album releases, the world will know who Ruby Riot is. I’m positive. My determination and passion runs through every track on here, match that with Ruby’s and the twins’, add in Jem’s musical perfectionism, and this debut will be big.

Even though I’m desperate to hear the finished tracks, in a way I don’t want the recording to end. As soon as the album is finished, we’re on hiatus until after the baby is born. I’m pissed off the album release is delayed until October. We’ve talked Ruby into playing some smaller gigs between now and then. I’m clinging onto the band life as long as I can.

Then what? Will and Nate live big and hard, spending the money earned on tour as if we’re stars with a regular star-like income. They don’t think through the fact there’s six months between now and the album release and the money won’t last. Will and Nate are considering returning to uni while they wait. No, thanks.

I hang around the studios a lot, and the Blue Phoenix world, hoping to find something to do until October. Hoping to see Tegan again. She’s in London, working on the planned PR stunt; but only Riley comes to meeting and updates us. I asked Riley a couple of times how Tegan is and received a short answer. She’s fine. I want to ask if Tegan’s still planning to go overseas, but don’t want to hear the answer.

I stop drinking. Almost. Despite the lack of partying and girls in my life, I’m followed by paparazzi some days. This slacks off, as I’m not seen with anybody. The interest in my and Tegan’s split doesn’t last long. Jax Lewis is as interesting as last week’s news.

That’s how I want my life because I have a chance to show Tegan I can choose not to be him. I can escape the descent she worries about. I can be a normal guy. A normal boyfriend.

But who am I kidding? How can I strive to be rich and famous, and expect normality?

Another studio session ends and I hang around the studio as usual, chatting to the sound engineer as I watch him mixing tracks. This is far beyond the work we did on our early stuff when I was the one playing around with the sound on my MacBook before we uploaded to YouTube and Bandcamp. I’m engrossed as I wave goodbye to the twins who head off on their usual evening partying. Why don’t they get the attention I do? Unless they do something outrageous, which is around once a week, they’re left alone.

Ruby stays too, waiting for Jem who’s fielding phone calls. I walk into the hallway as he hangs up on the latest one, frowning.

“Okay?” I ask.

“Yeah. Chatting to Tom about the last few gigs before we wrap things up with the band for a few months.”

“Awesome, thanks, man.”

“No problem. Ruby will get antsy if she has to sit around waiting for the baby. Best keep her occupied until she’s too big to move.” He grins at me.

Ruby appears. “Keep who occupied?”

“You,” replies Jem.

She crosses and kisses him and my stomach knots at how relaxed she is and the way Jem’s face transforms from moody bastard to semi-human when Ruby smiles at him. Once my reaction to the pair happened because I mistakenly thought Ruby should be mine, but not today. I want the easy-going happiness they have - but with a different girl.

“Did you talk to him?” Jem asks her.

“Talk to me about what?”

Ruby shakes her head. “No, I didn’t.”

“About what?” I repeat.

She glances at Jem and sighs. “We want you to talk to Tegan. You two still haven’t spoken and, to be honest, it’s a bit bloody childish.”

I bristle. “What the fuck?”

“You’re distracted,” mutters Jem. “This lovelorn bullshit is affecting your work.”

“It bloody isn’t! And I’m not lovelorn!”

“Yeah? Why the fuck would I say anything if you were playing well. I don’t give a shit about your personal life, but get over her or talk this through. Something.”

Ruby laughs softly and he throws her a look. “What?”

“Nothing. You.”

He scowls. “I haven’t seen anybody sulk over a girl like this since Dylan last year, and he was a right fucking pain in the arse.”

I bite back commenting how his past drug addiction messed with Blue Phoenix way more than I am with Ruby Riot right now, but I’m not that stupid.

“Talk to her,” presses Ruby.

Uncomfortable talking about this shit in front of Jem, I mumble something and head into the small lounge area, where we congregate in between recording tracks. The fridge in the corner of the room is stacked with beer and water and I grab a bottle - of water. The urge to open a beer tugs, but these days I strive to prove them all wrong. The decision to drink is fully in my control. I chose to before because I wanted to live up to the dream. Of course, I took things too far, but who the hell wouldn’t in my position? Nobody gives Will and Nate shit about drinking.

Will and Nate who never turned up late for rehearsals due to drinking too much the night before. Who are fully aware of stupid shit they do instead of so inebriated they can’t remember.

Will and Nate: rock stars who know their limits and don’t assault people.

Who don’t ruin things with the girl they love.

Chapter Forty-Five

TEGAN

Jax texts me.

A cautious ‘hello’. An exchange of pleasantries.

I appreciate his attempt to be neutral and not push himself on me by turning up on my doorstep. I doubt he’d be brave enough since I’m living with Bryn still.

I agree, and offer to chat to him after the gig tonight. He’s clever. If he wants to show me the changes he’s made to rock star Jax, this is his chance. Tonight is the culmination of my last six-week’s work, and a moment for him to shine and remind me of the man I fell in love with.

A local radio station announced the surprise gig this afternoon. Fans were given the task of bringing Ruby Riot merchandise to the venue to prove themselves as fans. Next free tickets were handed out on a first come, first served basis. The response surprises even the band - the news went viral within minutes and the numbers arriving within an hour led to a throng queuing behind a long cordon. I hang around to watch the chaos, a sense of pride at how successful we’ve been. Many fans are left disappointed, all tickets allocated in less than two hours. A group of die-hards remain outside, intending to listen anyway. I told Riley we should’ve booked a bigger venue, but Riley informs me the choice was deliberate. Here, there’s an intimacy between the band and audience; something special the select few have achieved.

Rumours flew that Blue Phoenix is playing too; but only Jem's here, watching over Ruby. I pass them in the hallway on the way back from the bathrooms. They're a curious couple. I expect them to be as volatile with each other as they are to the rest of the world, but they bring peace to each other. Secretly, my hope that Jax and I can try again comes from watching the Blue Phoenix couples. Commitment is possible in this mad world, if the right person comes along and compromises are made.

Unsure whether any rabid Jax fans will be part of the crowd, I tuck myself away near security at the rear of the venue. Jem joins me and I question him too over why Ruby Riot plays a place a quarter the size they usually do. Jem explains they gigged this venue in London regularly in the beginning, and is where Jem spotted them.

Nobody pays attention to me, the chance of being up close and almost personal with Ruby Riot is a bigger draw card than if his ex-girlfriend is here. My mouth tips in amusement at the girls screaming the band members’ names.

As time passes, Will and Nate continue to grow their own fan base, which feeds their egos too. Personally, I can't tell them apart unless they have their shirts off or if I talk to one of them for a few minutes. Nate's rougher around the edges than his brother. He’s a joker in public; but attempt to talk to him alone, and he’s taciturn. He’s stronger in his opinions than Will, who’s more likely to back off from an argument. I can tell who is who when they’re around girls too. Nate attracts them with his aloof nature, whilst Will prefers to laugh them into bed.

The band takes the stage and the crowd surges with a yell.

When I look over, I’m unprepared for the force of emotion slamming into me. I struggle to breathe; the stifling air in the overcrowded space intensifies the shaking dizziness overcoming me. This is why I walked away last month, the extreme influence this man has over me – body, heart, and soul - changed everything and terrified me.

Jax’s appearance grips the crowd with his perfect fusion of talent and presence. Sure, he strikes the pose of confidence that comes from his self-assured brilliance; but even when not engaging with the crowd, he fills the stage. The same goose bumps as the first night I saw Jax perform raise along my arms.

I’m unaware of the band launching into their first track, unable to take my eyes off how the muscles in his arms move as he plays, or the way his blond hair dips into his eyes. His sensual mouth purses in concentration on his performance; and as perspiration dampens his shirt and hair, the memories of Jax naked join the desire to touch him. I would happily fight my way through the crowd to get my hands on Jax, to kiss him, and hope the force of my passion is returned.

I laugh to myself. Oh yes, he’s clever. Jax knew exactly what he was doing choosing tonight to reach out to me after two silent weeks.

The energy hums through the room as the crowd feeds the band more power. Jem stands next to me, as captivated by the band as I am. His love for Ruby is expressed by how he watches her the same way I watch Jax, face softened by a smile rarely seen on Jem Jones. I've read the world’s doubts about his and Ruby's ability to parent; but if they can show their baby half the love they have for each other, the child will have more than most do in a lifetime.

Ruby Riot finish up the set with one of their older tracks, a viral song I heard in bars when I travelled last year. How does that life seem so far away when it’s been a matter of months? The crowd around are on the edge of Ruby Riot’s world, as I once was; but I became part of this. I still could be.

Over too soon, I share the disappointment flowing through the fans as the band leave the stage, and the crowd chants for an encore. Even though encores are part of the ritual of performance, I’m unsure Ruby will want to. The set was already shorter than the ones they played on tour with Phoenix.

I’m wrong and when the band reappears, so does the excitement spreading through the crowd.

Jax flicks his damp fringe from his eyes with a shake of his head and introduces a new song. This is the first time he’s spoken, even though he’s sung backing vocals, and his voice pushes further into the place inside my heart I’ve shut Jax out of.

Ruby joined the band a couple of years after they formed so some songs are Jax’s. Occasionally, Ruby sings them all, but some nights Jax takes over. I love when he does, his singing voice as powerful as hers, pulling the audience tighter to him. This is a new one though, and I switch my focus to Ruby as the intro begins. She dips her head, focusing on the guitar, red hair spilling forwards.

Jax grips the mic stand and his smooth voice pours over the slow guitar notes.

She can’t be held

Wildfire burning through my world

The girl with the fire in her soul

When I’m with her she takes the air I breathe

Scorched my world always knew she would leave

The girl with the fire in her soul

I reached for the love hidden in the fire

Seared my heart consumed by desire

The girl with the fire in her soul

I just wanna catch you

Be the man to match you

The only one who makes me whole

My girl with the fire in her soul

Tears choke as the song progresses and when he pauses between verses to focus on his playing, I swallow down a growing lump in my throat. This isn't a tooth-achingly sweet ballad about a girl, but a song to suit me. There's a passion and strength to the music, a portrait of me through his eyes. This song goes far beyond the cliché love for a girl.

Because Jax understands me.

He understands us.

The cadence steals into my heart as his words meld perfectly with the music, a melody that doesn't fit the norm. And why should we? Together we could forge our own way and ride the waves of the future side by side.

Tears escape, and for once, I don't hide the rawness of the love for Jax I hide and don’t want to lose. Only Jem sees and he nods with a smile before leaning over to me. “Jax found his anchor long before any of us did. I don’t think he should let you go.”

Jem’s words surprise me, and the reality hits home. Jax wants to share this with me, rather than walk the path of fame alone. In his song words, I heard his belief in us and a future.

****

The gig ends in a frenzy of fans screaming for more encores and Jax escorts a tired Ruby from stage. The four wrap their arms around each other, a rare sight as Ruby keeps herself physically apart from others. Jem disappears through the door toward the backstage the moment they exit and I remain, heart thumping with excitement and apprehension. I pull myself together and follow.

I'm barely around the corner when Jax reappears, striding back toward the stage. He halts when he sees me and when our gazes meet, the days and weeks apart fall away.

“Hey, Tegan,” he says softly, gripping his open water bottle.

“You wrote me a song?” I whisper. Please let him think my damp face is perspiration and not tears.

“I always fucked things up when we talked. I thought a song would be safer than trying to explain myself.”

We share an understanding smile. “Thank you. The song is beautiful.”

“Like the girl I wrote about.” He pauses. “Can you see yourself the way I see you now?”

“Yes.”

The small space between us is a chasm I’m frightened to cross because I’m unsure what’s waiting on the other side, or if I’ll manage without falling. Last time I allowed myself across, I fell, landed hard and the hurt hasn’t left. Neither of us reach out, but we’re locked in this time and place and unable to move until we do.

“Can we talk?” Jax asks.

“I think a conversation is long overdue.”

Jax swigs from his bottle. “I was heading for some fresh air to cool down. You can join me outside or wait until I come back inside?”

“I’ll come with you.”

We head to the rear of the venue and Jax pushes open the heavy fire exit doors. “I used to come out here and smoke.”

“Gross.”

“Yeah, things have changed a bit since then.”

A couple of old metal chairs rest in a corner surrounded by discarded cigarette butts. I wrinkle my nose and rest against the wall instead.

Jax stands opposite me, the space between remains uncrossed. “Sorry I never got in touch before. I didn’t know what to say. I mean, I wanted to call but didn’t want to upset you.”

“I should’ve got in touch too, but I wanted a clean break. Those few days at the end of the tour were a nightmare.”

“Yeah. Sorry. About all the shit with you going away, and for hitting the guy.” He pulls a face. “I learned my lesson. Maybe too late.”

“I’m here, aren’t I?”

“I meant what I said that night.” He turns his eyes to mine. “About what I felt. Feel. Nothing’s changed. I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving you, whatever you decide to do after tonight. You never forget the first person you love, do you?” My heart stutters at his words as Jax steps closer. He touches my face. “I should’ve grown a pair and called you instead of living in this limbo for weeks.”

I smile at his expression. “I would’ve called but couldn’t cope with how you treated me or what you might say. I didn’t think I meant enough to you.”

“You don't get it, Tegan. The day I saw you in the hotel corridor in Lisbon, you blew me apart in just a few moments. Then you walked away with the pieces, and I had to fight your brother so I could get them back from you. All I wanted was for you to share some of yourself too.”

“You know I did, Jax. But when I fell in love with you, my life turned into a bizarre circus. Everything became too hard.”

He drops his hand and curls his fingers around mine. “Life's hard being in love?”

“Isn't it?”

He moves closer and holds my face in both hands. “Loving you is the easiest thing in my life. Or it was until things became complicated. In the midst of the chaos around those few weeks I had you.”

For the first time in weeks, Jax’s mouth is close to mine. The salty scent from his performance melds with his soap; the familiar scent of the man I fell in love with. I swallow, staring at his mouth. My body will override everything; the passion between us was always at the fore.

“You hurt me,” I whisper. “I -” Jax interrupts as his lips meet mine. I grab his hands as they close over my cheeks, expecting him to overwhelm me, but Jax kisses softly, the way he did the first time. The days drop away as if we last shared ourselves yesterday.

Jax rests his forehead on mine, heat radiating from his skin and for a moment, we don’t speak. Music inside the venue thuds through the half-open door; but out here, we’re away from everything, watched only by the stars fighting through the clouds.

“I love you. We can fix this,” he murmurs.

My aching heart explodes into need, and I thread my fingers into Jax’s hair. I crash my mouth on his, and kiss him the way I want to. Hot. Hard. Completely. The heat combusts between us, fuelled by the passion that connects our souls. I wrap myself against his hard body, craving his taste and touch. Jax kisses along my neck and rests his lips against my pulse point before moving back to my mouth. I untangle my hands from Jax’s hair and push them beneath his shirt, gripping the hard muscles of his back.

“I love you,” I whisper against his mouth. “I want us.”

His warm breath strokes my skin as he brushes hair from my face. “Are you still leaving?”

I frown at his sudden shift in conversation. Are we back to square one? “I haven’t decided. Tina needs to know by the end of the week.”