Cadence of Love (12 page)

Alaina felt the stomach bile rise in her throat. They wanted to go back? And possibly die? Why? How did it not change anything, they were leaving her… Just like Brian had done. She had always felt for the military wives, unable to understand how they did it. A life of worry and heartache, being apart from your husband for years up on end…

Rationality sank in and she put the best poker face she could muster on, knowing that holding them back was wrong too. This was a part of who they are, and if she fought it, they would resent her. What the hell, they had only known her for a short time anyway. It wasn’t like there was a ring on her finger. They had made no commitments, except that she had a place to live and could work on the ranch. If they weren’t going to do ranching, what was she going to do? That part she couldn’t keep hush-hush about.

“So, you all aren’t going to get the farm up and running? Do I need to start looking for work in town?” She fought to keep her voice from shaking and keep it nonchalant, but Alex caught on. Instead of making a scene or giving her insecurity away, she simply winked and mouthed the words, ‘don’t worry’.

“We are going to get this place up and running. Only, not as originally planned. I propose we still follow through getting about a hundred head and enough horses to fill the front pastures. The back, we can make a training camp and headquarters. No one can get back there unannounced and without a quad or a horse. Alaina, don’t ever think that again, got it? You and I are going to have a discussion later. But for now, what do you all think?” Leland announced.

The room was in agreement, throwing ideas around for the new base camp. Alaina was so inverted she barely heard the conversation, nodding politely and agreeing from time to time to keep everyone from seeing straight through her. This was not what she had expected, and needed to come up with a plan B soon. Her plans usually sucked, given she was busting her ass with two jobs and sinking faster than the Titanic when these two showed up. For the sake of her heart and Lizzy’s, she needed to buck up and figure it the fuck out, and fast. She quietly moved out of the room and found Lizzy watching television. After a good night kiss, she sent her off to bed and went to the kitchen for something to drink, and peace and quiet. Alaina poured a glass of iced tea and sat down, rolling over every extravagant and wild idea her brain threw at her. Nothing seemed to be a solution. If she could still remain living here, or renting one of the little cabins cheap enough, there might be a chance she could find a job in town that they could survive off. That would be something she would have to ask later, and continue making her plans in the meantime.

The scraping of the barstool legs against the tile floor made her jump. Alex sat down and reached out to touch her arm in a very unlike Alex gesture. “Alaina, don’t worry. This has nothing to do with you. The Army is what we do…it is who we are. We aren’t made to do any other kind of work but blowing shit up, saving people, and kicking ass. Protection and justice are what we eat, breathe, and sleep.”

“Oh, I know. Hell, they just met me. I didn’t expect more. It is really no biggie. I just have to figure out what Lizzy and I are going to do, that’s all.” She swirled the ice around in her glass, glazing over to avoid the bubbling emotions that threatened to emerge.

“Alaina, look at me. It is not what you think. I know Rock and Maverick better than I know myself sometimes. It is a job, nothing more.”

Alaina’s eyebrows rose in a sarcastic ‘yeah’ with the roll of her eyes, and she went back to fidgeting with her glass.

“Hey, you still don’t get it. Some people go off to work at an office every day, and go away on business meetings from time to time. Some strap on combat boots and go to work every day, and go on missions from time to time. It isn’t really that different. You are going to be taken care of no matter what, got it? You don’t have just Maverick and Rock. You have all of us.”

When Alaina looked up, she could see the sincerity in Alex’s features. At least she had a friend…and by the way the group had been with Elizabeth, she doubted that they would ever let her go hungry or without.
Think positive. We are here now, and safe. I am not working twenty
-
two hours a day, and I have spent more time with Lizzy
in
the past
week than I have gotten to in over six months. She is happy, healthy, and having fun.

“Thank you, Alex. Maybe you are right. It is hard to trust anyone for me. I just don’t want to be back where I was or worse…Lizzy deserves so much better.”

“It is hard for all of us to trust, Alaina. That is why we are so tight. The people you see in this room are close because we trust each other with our lives. We have to. Every one of us would take a bullet for another. You and Lizzy are a part of that now.”

“If you say so. Thank you, Alex…for everything.” She leaned over and hugged her, smiling when Alex didn’t seem so robotic and weirded by it.

“Of course. I gotta say, I would slaughter a hundred more people just so we could be friends…you don’t know how long it has been since I have had someone to hang out with that didn’t have a pair of testicles.” She snickered.

“Well, rest assured, no ball sack here.” Both girls giggled and stood to join the others. When they reached the main living room, the boys were all lounging around on the furniture discussing everything that needed to be done to meet their goals. When the subject of cows and horses arose, all of them were at a loss. Leland and Brody had been raised on ranches, but neither of them had been in the business enough to know what the best route to take was. During the group’s discussion, the sound of someone clearing their throat hushed them all.

Standing in the doorway was Mr. Reynolds. He was straightened and standing tall, showing off the over six-foot frame she hadn’t noticed before. His face was cold as stone, but he had a look of determination in his eyes that couldn’t be missed. She glanced at Leland who sat with the same blank, unreadable magnetism. “I think I can lead you boys in the right direction with the cattle and the horses. I've been a rancher all my life, and know a thing or two about the business. The rest you all can worry about.” His voice was firm and confident. Leland stood and walked over closer to him in what looked like a head on confrontation. Brody straightened up, sitting ready to pounce if needed. A quick glance around and the same posture was in all of them.

Anger and confusion clouded Leland’s thoughts. How dare the bastard offer to help with farming when he was the one who sold every last fucking animal on the place? Their family home was going to shit! The man had just stood by and let it happen. He fisted his hands at his side and bowed up. In a low voice, he spoke to Michael. “You may know a thing or two, but you also sold every last animal on this damn ranch. Everything is going to shit, thanks to you. I sent enough money to take care of you.”

“Yeah, I did. What’s the point in having a working ranch when I am the only one here? You left after your momma died, and there was no one but me. What the hell was the point of having all that shit?”

“You knew I would be coming back. I don’t think this is a conversation we need to have right here and now.” Leland’s rage showed in the shadowing of his eyes. This was going to hell fast, and Alaina didn’t know what to do. She stepped in their direction, only to be stopped by Brody.
When the he
c
k did he get up?
He gently touched her arm, leading her back out of the way.

Once he had her perched on his knee on the couch, he whispered, “They need to do this. This is decades of hurt coming to the surface. Let them hash it out.” She didn’t know what to say, except to nod in understanding.

Michael’s voice made her jump. “I didn’t think you ever would.”

“You thought or hoped, dad?”

“Leland, I know I have been a mean son of a bitch for a long time, but don’t ever doubt that I didn’t care.”

“Do you? Did you? Fuck, all you did was make mom’s life hell! All I remember was her crying and keeping me from crossing paths with you so you wouldn’t go off on me!”

“I know.” Michael’s eyes dropped to the floor in the first show of feeling she had seen. “After David… after what happened, things were never the same.”

If Leland didn’t know better, he would swear his ol’ man had actual tears in his eyes.
What the hell is he talking about?
“David? Who the fuck is that?”

After a long silence, Michael looked back up to meet his eyes. “David was your older brother. He died before you were born.”

“What? Are you shitting me? Mom never said anything about this before.” Leland felt like he had just been punched in the gut with an iron fist. How could he not know after all of these years?

“Your momma fell into a deep depression after he was born. One night she had him in the tub and walked out, forgetting to get him. He was barely one. I came in from working the ranch all day and found him in the tub. He had been in there for over five hours, and she had no clue.” A single tear trailed down his cheek, giving Leland the first glimpse of an actual human being under the bastard crust he had known all his life. “The doctors gave her medication, and she got better. At the time, she didn’t react at all. It was like she didn’t care. My heart was ripped out. A few years later, I still hadn’t forgiven her. I knew it wasn’t her fault, that she was sick. But, for some reason I couldn’t get my heart to believe that. She got pregnant with you three and a half years later.”

Leland just stared. There was nothing he could do or say as he tried to absorb his father’s words. The only thing that he could form into a complete sentence and verbalize, he blurted out, “So why the fuck were you such a dick to me?”

Michael stood frozen silent for a long time. In barely a mumble, he answered, “Because I didn’t want to lose you too. If I kept my distance, I wouldn’t get my heart ripped out again.”

In all of his thirty years, Leland had never seen or heard his father talk with anything besides hate and anger. He had sworn the man didn’t have a heart. Now, as irrational as his reasons were, he was beginning to understand. He himself had feelings and thoughts that were totally bat shit crazy from being a soldier. The question still remained, stuck in his mind.
Now what
? He had no words. Instead, he nodded at Michael and walked off. The slamming of the screen door echoed through the house as he stormed out into the night to get away.

****

Brody could see how hard it had been for the old man to open up and confess, and he knew that something had to be done. It was like when one of them was bottled tight and needed to vent. They had all been taught and programmed to not feel or show emotions, much less talk about them. If you were screwed up, you kept it to yourself. There was no room in the Army for feelings or emotion. Together, the group had seen the need to unravel some of the webs of shit to keep from diving off the deep end. On a rare occasion, one of the team members would have a breakdown, and they all were learning how to be supportive and help. Most of the time it wasn’t so much about what they said, but what they didn’t. Michael had been raised similar. His father had been a true cowboy, herding cattle from one end of the U.S. to the other in some of the biggest cattle drives in history. The man was tough as nails. Brody’s father had grown up with Michael, and had said in all his years of knowing the family, he had never seen Michael’s dad hug him—not once.

Brody walked over to Michael and smiled. “Let’s go get a Brandy. I have a bottle stashed in the kitchen, and word is there is a blackberry cobbler hidden somewhere.” He sauntered toward the kitchen with Michael behind him.

The next few months passed by with little resolution for Leland and his father, and even less for Alaina. The more they accomplished in gathering intelligence and supplies, the more alienated she felt. The group was great at including her, and even kept Elizabeth so busy with the animals that she never stopped.

The second she got off the bus from school, she tossed her backpack into the yard and ran to the horse stalls. Brody always had Strawberry Shortcake, a beautiful appaloosa mare, saddled and waiting. It had taken all of two lessons for Alaina to feel comfortable setting her baby free on a wild beast. Elizabeth was a true natural. The horses and cows all seemed to have a special fondness to her. Strawberry Shortcake had been bought specifically for her from Brody. After she started learning, he had traveled over 200 miles to pick up the older, small mare and had her waiting by the gate when Elizabeth woke up one Saturday morning. She happily mucked stalls, helped feed the cows, and loved gathering the eggs from the few chickens they had gotten. It wasn’t so much the amount of product they would produce than it was for the amount of smiles they got watching Lizzy with them. She was a true country girl through and through.

Every night, the men did their best to convince her of their love, which sometimes went on through the morning hours. When she was in their arms, all of her insecurities and fears went away. They weren’t shy about their feelings, and had confessed their love to her on more than one occasion. She was still unable to voice it back, but did her best to show them each and every time. Everything about their relationship felt perfect. The only thing that stood in her way was their plans for leaving. She still couldn’t grasp the idea, and didn’t know if she would ever come around to accepting that they would come back, and not leave them. The scar ran too deep, and threatened everything that mattered the most.

One Monday morning after Elizabeth was on the bus, Alaina grabbed her purse and was on her way out the door when Leland stopped her. “Hey, sexy britches, where are you going dressed to kill?” He shot her his best playboy smile, making him absolutely irresistible. She grinned and walked over, slinging her arms lazily around his neck.

“Dressed to kill, huh? And you think my britches are sexy? Wow, I feel special.” She playfully dropped kisses on his lips, pulling away before he had a chance to kiss her. When she grabbed his bottom lip between her teeth and sucked it in her mouth, he laughed and tickled her into submission, holding her hostage and devouring her in a claiming, punishing lip lock. When he finally had mercy and pulled away, her brow was beaded with sweat and her breaths raspy.

“Take that, you little minx. Now, back to what you are up to today…” His eyes narrowed in on hers in a haughty, desirous lust.

She giggled, more from arousal and giddiness than anything else, and placed both of her hands on his cheeks. She squished them together and made him make a fishy face before answering, “I, my dear, am going to go get a few things from town. Now bring those kissy lips back over here.”

He happily obliged and ate her up once again, leaving them both off balance and a huge bulge shoving into her lower belly. Like any male would do, he thrust it against her a few times in an invitation and wagged his eyebrows, tilting his head toward the bedroom. “Aw, screw shopping. I have a good thirty minutes before anyone notices I am not out on the tractor cutting hay. I would much rather have a hot and naughty romp instead.” He swooped her into his arms, and made toward the hall. She giggled and kicked, jabbering, “I can’t. You definitely live up to your nickname, that’s for sure!”

He quirked one eyebrow and said in his best Dwayne Johnson voice, “Can you smel-l-l-l-l what the Rock is cookin’!”

Another round of belly crunching laughs erupted from Alaina while he sat her down. “I promise you tonight we will have extra-long bath time. I want to make sure you get good and clean.” She licked her lips seductively and smiled, looking up at him through her batting eyelashes. His fierce gaze shot a straight dart to her clit. It throbbed immediately, escalating her temperature into a wildfire of desire.

He growled. “I will hold you to that, you little hell cat. But, just know, tonight we plan on showing you a whole new side of us.”

“Oh shit. Should I be scared?”

“Yes. Very scared. You are going to beg, Alaina.” His face was stone cold serious, sending a chill down her spine. Her head swooned at the possibilities. As soon as his mood came, it left, and he was back to the fun, light-hearted Leland she loved so much.
Love? I can’t love them this soon, can I? Ugh. Who the hell am I kidding. I am in love, with them both.
The inner realization shocked the shit out of her. She had been so cautious to keep her feelings in check that it had snuck up on her and planted roots before she knew what had hit. Her body went stiff. Before he caught on to her instantaneous mood swing, she changed the subject. “Do you need anything while I am in town, baby?” She kept her tone light and sweet, realizing she had fallen accustomed to the pet names they all used. Wow. It hadn’t dawned on her until now just how deeply she did love them. It blew her mind.

“Actually, I need a bunch of stuff. I will send one of the guys to help you. Some of it is heavy, and a few things you will have no idea what to look for.” Before she could protest, Zane walked through the door.

“Hey. Since I am the first one in, can I make a lunch request?” He grinned a huge, toothy, over exaggerated smile at Alaina. Leland huffed, shaking his head and snickered.

The group had all turned to her as their momma hen of sorts, and acted like a bunch of siblings on most everything. From desserts to chores, she seemed to pull rank over Jeremy who was their 1LT and leader. She took the position with pride, loving how they all made her feel important and needed. Just a few months ago, she was scraping by and running on fumes. Today, she was doing the things that she loved—being a mom and a homemaker. Even Michael had started warming up to her and even though he kept his gruff grumpiness, he had begun to sit with her on the porch in the evenings and tell her stories of the old days. She had turned to the man like a father figure, and loved sneaking in his favorite meals and snacks to get the little half smile he gave before he hurried off into another room. He was a hard man, but she understood him better than anyone else.

“Sure, Zane. What sounds good today?” Her heart swelled at the wide-eyed boyish look he gave her.

“Can you make chicken noodle soup and grilled cheese sandwiches?” A blush crept over his cheeks. Alaina instinctively tilted her weight back onto Leland’s foot to silence him before he could pop off any jokes. He was fighting a laugh, and she was determined not to let him. A quick sharp, scolding look seemed to do the trick.

“Yip! I will pick up some at the store while I am there. That is my favorite too.” Her confession seemed to ease some of the redness in his cheeks, and drew a grin back across his normally intimidating features. Zane reminded Alaina of a tough biker guy, or a mean fighter. He was all gruff and rough, but like most of the biggest and the baddest, he had a soft, gooey center…that happened to like grilled cheese sandwiches and soup.

“Hey, Zane, actually, can you just go with her? I was heading out to find someone to go along anyway. I have a bunch of stuff we need, and there is no way Alaina will be able to manage it all alone.”

“No prob. What all do you need?”

“Here, I have a list. Most of it is at the feed store. The rest, you need to go visit Jim. He has a weapons and ammunition store in the back of Jim’s video. I have a few…special orders I need picked up.” His lips curved up in a snarky, ‘if ya know what I mean’ smirk.

“Got it. Okay, I will meet you in the truck. This just means I get to make sure you get the right kind of soup.” He shot Alaina a wink and headed out the door.

“Now, aren’t you glad we weren’t nekked and doing the naughty? Zane would have walked in.” Alaina poked him in the chest with her finger.

“I guess. I would hate to have to kill him for seeing your assets.” He laughed, hugging her again before shooing her out the door. He popped her on the ass with a ‘smack’ of his hand.

“Hey, mister, you better watch it or you won’t be touching my
assets
later tonight.” She swayed her hips over exaggeratingly as she strolled out the door.

“Oh, missy, your
assets
are going to be a pretty shade of pink for that later,” he hollered out at her.

****

After all of the shopping had been completed, they sat at a standstill stuck in rush hour traffic. For such a small town, rush hour on the only main street was jam-packed. They were moving at a slow crawl, with no break in sight. After twenty minutes, Zane started getting pissy. He tapped his fingers on the door impatiently, thudding a non-choreographed beat. Horns honked and people tried to maneuver around to a side street, creating chaos. The longer they were trapped, the more Alaina noticed the change in Zane. Finally, he snapped. His fist slammed into the steering wheel a few times and his whole body shook in a rage. His breathing was becoming more rapid by the minute. She could see the sweat dripping off his face, and with the air conditioner blasting and the cooler air outside, she knew something was wrong. Not knowing what to do or say, she observed silently, hoping to avoid triggering him any more than he already was. He grew worse. Tears streaked down the tougher-than-steel man’s face, and he clutched his chest. Alaina scooted over beside him and rubbed her hand up and down his back, trying to calm the anxiety attack he was experiencing.

“Zane, look at me.” When his eyes met hers, she could see the fear lashing through the emerald orbs. “I want you to breathe with me. Take a breath when I do and release when I do, okay?” He didn’t answer until she asked again and patted him like a mother would do a newborn. “Okay here we go, in…out…in…out. Good job. Slower now. In…out…” He had slowed his borderline hyperventilation down some, but he was still in a full panic. Alaina’s heart ached for him, but she knew whether he liked it or not she had to get him to calm down.

“My chest hurts. It feels like something is sitting on it!”

Before she could get any further, he slammed open the driver’s side door and got out of the truck, walking around to rest his forehead on the hood. Alaina followed hot on his heels, determined to calm and settle the gentle giant. Instead of speaking, she went back to rubbing her hand up and down his back, speaking soft tones. “It’s all right, Zane. Shhhh.” He finally turned to look at her, still in a state of disoriented shock. He was standing beside her, but yet a million miles away.

Sitting in traffic had hurdled him back into Afghanistan. Their convoy had been surrounded by Taliban and numbered them ten to one. The same suffocating feeling washed over him, and literally forced him to relive every single gunfire that had gone down that day. The visions of his fallen and wounded comrades flashed over and over, causing him to feel the pain that each and every one had endured as if it were him that had been injured and not them. Guilt of living instead of them and not being able to save each one had wrapped its cold, haunting fingers around his mouth and nose, choking him of oxygen. There was nowhere to run. The noise of cars and people seared through his eardrums, echoing in a mesh with screams of the past. Anger combusted so strong in a red haze, he wanted to hurt everyone around him. He needed to hurt someone.

Not caring about their surroundings, Alaina pulled him in a bear hug and held him like she would Lizzy if she were upset. In a slow rock, she lulled him back to reality and out of the war hell he had slipped into. It wasn’t until Alaina had soothed him that he had pulled back to the present, shaking the asphyxiating death grip.

When he pulled away, the same embarrassed look as earlier heated his features. He opened his mouth a few times and shut it, unable to explain or ‘man up’ the incident. Without a word, he got back in the truck and waited for her to join. Instead of allowing him to dwell on the obvious PTSD initiated dilemma, she reached over and grabbed his hand. “Zane? Are you okay?”

He didn’t pull her hand away, but instead gripped it tighter. “Yeah…uh…sorry. I think I had a minor heart attack or something.” His lame excuse only pissed him off more. He quickly jerked his hand away and stared at the now moving cars in front of them. They passed the source—an accident. Ambulances and cops were everywhere. Shattered glass and busted up cars lay on their side. The paramedics were working on a bloodied woman, making his stomach turn and his heartache. Death and pain was everywhere. There was no escape, and nowhere to hide from the morbidity. He swallowed hard in an attempt to keep from vomiting, and sped away.

Alaina remained quiet for a long time before finally trying delicately to approach the subject again. From all she had learned from the team, talking and admitting was something no soldier did. “How long have you been having anxiety attacks?” Instead of detouring and changing the subject, he shook his head. She waited patiently, giving him time to process and get the words out. Speaking them was the first step, and the hardest.

“Years. Listen, you aren’t going to tell the others, are you? I am fine. The traffic just got me worked up.”

“Zane, what you just did is normal. Do you know how many soldiers go through the exact same thing, but are too afraid they will look weak or not good enough to fight to say anything?” When he remained silent, she carefully treaded on. “I would never tell anyone to make you look bad. I do think that you need to see a doctor before you all go back. This can only get worse. What would you do if you were in a life or death situation and one of these happened?”

“It wouldn’t! I am a trained Green Beret for fucks sake! When it comes to me doing my job, nothing will stand in the way!” he snapped, scaring Alaina some. Again, she took a few minutes to let him settle, and to gather her wits.

“You are one of the best, Zane. But, if left untreated, these things will snowball out of control. I know you well enough that there is no way you would intentionally put your team in danger…but ignoring this will do just that.” Her words seemed to hit a nerve. Unfortunately, he reacted like a full blown man. Instead of exploding, he turned to her with a lethal stare. She could feel the blood draining from her face.

“Nothing will ever put my team in danger. I may have a few flashbacks, but everyone would if they had seen and done what I have. I am a soldier first and foremost. We do not feel. We do not bend or break. When in a combat situation, our instincts take over. The same instincts that have been programmed into us to keep anything from standing in the way. There is no emotion. Anger doesn’t exist. I don’t need a damn quack to tell me what I already know, Alaina, so back the fuck off.” He channeled all of his rolling aggression into the road ahead.

Alaina didn’t know how to argue with him and make him see reason. She didn’t want to shut him down totally, so she instead dropped the topic and rode the rest of the way home in silence. When they pulled up at the house, he turned off the ignition without so much as a single look in her direction and got out, proceeding to unload everything. Alaina fell into step beside him, hauling an arm full of groceries and her purse to the kitchen, dropping them in a heap on the counter. On her way back out for more, Zane passed her. He reached out and touched her arm, stopping her in mid step. “I got it.” His simple three word sentence confused her, until she looked down and saw at least twenty heaping grocery bags hanging from his arms.

“Oh…um, okay thanks.” She turned and went back to the kitchen to put everything away. Brody walked in and hugged her from behind, trapping her against the hardness of his body.

“Hey, good lookin’. Whatcha got cookin’?” A sloppy kiss landed just below her ear, sparking a shock against her skin.

“Mmm nothing yet, we just got home. If you keep doing that, everyone will starve.” She nuzzled against his chest, relieved to be in the safety of his embrace.

“We can’t have that, now can we? I think my stomach is eating itself. Food first. I need my energy.” He grinned against her neck and pecked kisses up and down in a ‘Gomez kissing Morticia’s arm’ fashion. She giggled and spun in his arms, returning the rapid-fire smooches all over his face.

“Let me get this stuff put away and I will get started on lunch. How is your day going?”

“It’s going. Three fences were down that I had to restring barb, and we are still digging for intel on the man we were forced to release. He has to be of some sort of worth, which can only mean he either is the warlord himself or can lead us to him. There are so many radical groups to go after, but something tells me this one is significant. These bastards are sly. Sooner or later, we will find their trail, and hunt them like blood hounds. It is just a matter of time. Dom has a few leads and he is starting to connect the dots, but not quite enough yet. How was your trip to town? Hulk didn’t ‘smash’ did he?”

Alaina felt the blood drain out of her face from his cartoon reference, and busied herself unpacking the produce into the fridge. “No, goofy. He was a huge help.” When she turned back around, she caught sight of Zane leaning against the counter by Brody, wearing a soft appreciative expression. She had always carried her emotions on her sleeve, and decided to go back to unpacking to prevent any slipups.

The two men engaged in a conversation about work, and she half listened through her task. Once everything was where it belonged, Alaina started preparing the thirty plus grilled cheese sandwiches. Both men slowly talked themselves into the front room, giving her time to breathe and analyze the day’s events. She had to do something. The ‘what’ was the part that stumped her. It was obvious that asking Leland or Brody for help was out of the question, and would only create catastrophe. Twelve sandwiches later, she had concluded that until he was ready, it was out of her hands. Hopefully she would be around the next time an episode hit, and could coach him through it and convince him to get his ass to the doctor. For now, she only hoped for the best and prayed a silent plead to the man upstairs for guidance and help.