Bylines & Skylines (An Avery Shaw Mystery Book 9) (22 page)

The visitor brandished the knife and took a step in my direction, forcing me to do the only thing I could think to do. “This is going to hurt you worse than me,” I said, grabbing Carly’s heavy purse and swinging it in the direction of the man’s groin. “If this is a mistake, I apologize ahead of time.”

The man’s eyes widened when he realized what I was doing, but it was already too late. He tried to shield his tender area but the purse made contact with his family jewels with a terrific thump. He dropped like a rock and began howling as he held his nuts and writhed on the floor.

“Omigod! I’ve been attacked! Avenge me!”

“What the … ?”

“Uh-oh,” Carly said, glancing over her shoulder and focusing on three men wearing identical masks. “I think we’re in trouble.”

I recognized the masks from
Game of Thrones
, and while I wasn’t caught up on episodes I knew it was a bad sign. No one ever survives on
Game of Thrones
. I was pretty sure she was right about being in trouble.

M
ost people would wring
their hands or call for help. I am not most people. I don’t need help. I have my mouth. When I make things worse, that’s when I need help.

“Oh, you are dressed like the Sons of the Harpy guys from
Game of Thrones
, huh? Things didn’t end well for them, and if you take a step in this direction, they won’t end well for you either.”

“Avery, you’re making things worse,” Carly hissed. “We should run. Talking will get us in trouble.”

That shows what she knows. Talking gets me in trouble only seventy-five percent of the time. I’m golden the other twenty-five percent. I can live with that ratio.

Despite the warning, one of the masked figures took an exaggerated step forward. I couldn’t accept the action without addressing it, so I grabbed a funnel cake off a woman’s plate as she passed by and whipped it as hard as I could in the man’s direction, pursing my lips when it bounced harmlessly off his black robe and hit the floor.

“Hey!” The woman was understandably annoyed. “That was mine.”

“They’re good, too,” Carly said. “I just ate one. It was amazing.”

“You inhaled one,” I corrected. “There’s a difference.”

“I’m growing a human life!” Carly snapped. “You try growing a human life and then you can comment. Until then … stuff it!”

“Yeah, Avery, you definitely need to stuff it,” Lexie said, although I didn’t miss the fact that she clenched and unclenched her hands at her sides. In a fight, there’s no one I’d rather have at my side than my cousin. She’s tiny but tough … and she has no qualms about fighting dirty. I’d rather have a dirty fighter who wins than an honorable one who loses.

“I’ve fallen,” the masked man on the floor whined. “Avenge me!”

Good grief. People say I’m a geek. Sure, there’s been a
Star Wars
fantasy run amok or two – mostly because I want to be Han Solo and Eliot refuses to be Princess Leia – but this was an entirely new level of geeky.

“There’s nothing wrong with you,” I said. “Get up. I barely hit you.”

“With a brick!”

“It wasn’t a brick,” I argued, casting a curious look at Carly. “What’s in there, though? It weighs a ton.”

“Um … just my prenatal vitamins, wallet, a hair brush, hair spray, makeup, my phone, my Kindle, nail polish and a container of Tums.” Carly looked worried about getting in a fight. I didn’t blame her. She had a bundle of joy to protect. Bundle of joy? Seriously, who came up with that saying? It’s more like a wailing poop factory.

“Oh, just that,” I said, fighting the urge to grin as I narrowed my eyes at the man I threw the funnel cake at. “Don’t take another step in this direction. You won’t like what happens if you do.”

“You’re out of cakes,” Lexie pointed out. “What are you going to throw this time? I don’t think the insults are helping.”

She had a point, but I wasn’t in the mood to acknowledge it. “I’ll throw you if you’re not careful. Seriously, dude, don’t even think about stepping closer.”

We’d drawn something of a crowd, convention guests forming a half-circle to watch the show. I had no idea if they realized this was a serious matter or if they figured we were following a script. I didn’t really care, though.

“If you do it, you’ll regret it,” I said.

The man behind the mask locked gazes with me and then defiantly took another step forward. I readied myself to smack him … or kick him … or scream bloody murder – I couldn’t make up my mind which was the best way to go – when a hand landed on the man’s shoulder and caused him to shift to his right.

Eliot, a dark look on his face, shook his head when the man moved to raise a fist. “She already warned you what will happen if you pick a fight.”

“Who are you?” The man’s voice was muffled behind the mask.

“I’m with the security detail,” Eliot replied grimly.

“He’s also my boyfriend, which means he’s my muscle,” I added, earning an incredulous look from Eliot. “What? Is that no longer the case?”

“You’re in so much trouble I don’t even know where to start,” Eliot muttered, annoyed. “I just … how is yoga?”

Crap. I should’ve thought this through better. Causing a scene was a surefire way to get Eliot’s attention, and like a naughty child, I couldn’t stop myself from enjoying that attention – even when it was negative. “I can explain.”

“I can’t wait to hear it,” Eliot said, set his jaw as his gaze bounced between faces. “I need the short version of what happened here.”

“Well, we were at the yoga studio … .”

“Not you,” Eliot said, shaking his head. “You won’t give me the short version of anything. You’ll ramble until I forget what I asked. You try to confuse me to get out of trouble. I’m on to you.”

“But … .”

Eliot sent me a firm headshake. “No. Lexie, you give me the short version.”

“Carly wanted a funnel cake. The guy on the floor ran into her and was kind of aggressive. He threw her at Avery. Avery caught her and then whacked him in the nuts with Carly’s purse. Then his friends stepped in and Avery said she knew what she was doing.”

“Well, that’s pretty much what I figured,” Eliot muttered, releasing his hold on the shaking man. “Who threw food at this guy?”

“One guess,” Lexie replied.

“You’re in a lot of trouble, Avery,” Eliot snapped. “I mean … a lot.”

“It wasn’t even her funnel cake.” I forgot the woman I stole the cake from remained to watch the rest of the show. She looked haughty. “She owes me five bucks for that cake.”

Eliot wordlessly dug into his wallet and retrieved five dollars before handing it to the woman. She preened as she took it, offering him a flirty smile – which he ignored – and then she flounced back to the cake line. Eliot’s eyes never left mine.

“This is all a big misunderstanding,” I offered. “I’m the victim here.”

Eliot remained silent.

“Carly is pregnant and I had to protect her,” I said, switching tactics. “I was doing something honorable.”

I couldn’t be sure, but I was almost convinced Eliot’s expression softened. Finally, he blew out a sigh and bent over, resting his hands on his knees as he regarded the angry masked man on the floor. “You’re coming with me to the security office so we can sort this out.”

The man was defiant. “And what if I say no?”

“Then I’m going to leave you to deal with that on your own,” Eliot replied, pointing a finger at me. “Trust me. You won’t come out alive.”

Oh, even when he’s mad he still pays me compliments.

“Fine,” the man said, exhaling heavily. “If she hits me again, though, I’m hitting her back.”

Eliot would never let that stand. I was smug when I crossed my arms over my chest and waited for him to verbally smack down the
Game of Thrones
megalomaniac.

“Fair enough,” Eliot said.

“Hey!” That was so not how I envisioned this going. “He just threatened me.”

Eliot’s face remained calm. “Something tells me you deserve it.”

Something told me the upcoming meeting of the minds wasn’t going to go my way. When did my happy week turn into this?

“
C
OME HERE
.”

Eliot took me by surprise when he grabbed me around the waist in the security office a few minutes later and lifted me up on the counter. He kept one eye on the sulking man – who refused to remove his mask – and pointed toward the corner when directing Lexie and Carly to get comfortable.

“What are you doing?” I asked, confused. “Are you putting me in timeout?”

This time I was certain I saw a smile flicker at the corner of his mouth. He didn’t let a complete smile come out to play, though. “No. I’m checking your knee.”

“But … .”

“Don’t push me, Avery,” Eliot said, his voice low. “You’ve already put me in an awkward position. You were supposed to be home resting … or at the yoga studio complaining about men. Nowhere in the discussion we had this morning did visiting the convention come up.”

“That’s my fault,” Carly volunteered, raising her hand. “Avery was whiny and I couldn’t listen to much more of it without sugar, so I suggested we come because I wanted funnel cake. I knew it would be full of geeks, but even I didn’t get the full magnitude until I walked through the door.”

“Uh-huh.” Eliot didn’t look convinced. “Did you tell her to whack someone with your purse, too?”

“He pushed me,” Carly said, her voice going shrill. “I literally flew through the air and Avery caught me like a … .”

“Superhero,” I supplied.

“I was going to say a baseball catcher, but sure,” Carly said, shooting me an annoyed look. “He also had a knife. Sure, I know now that it’s a plastic knife, but it looked totally legit and frightening when we first saw it. Avery wasn’t being a pain. She was the hero today.”

“Oh, my little hero,” Eliot said, patting my head before peeling back the bandage on my knee. He made a face when he saw the pus oozing from the wound. “I need to clean this again.”

“I cleaned it this morning.”

“Yes, but you clean your wounds like you clean the house,” Eliot said. “Why do you think we’re getting a maid?”

“Because you don’t want to live in filth,” Lexie answered for me.

“Pretty much,” Eliot said. “You sit here and don’t move until I tell you it’s time. I want to talk to your friend for a moment. If you get off that counter we’re going to have words.”

“I thought we were already having words.”

“They’re going to be meaner words if you’re not careful,” Eliot said, turning his full attention to the huffing man near the door. “Take off your mask.”

The man’s shoulders twitched, reflecting surprise that Eliot finally deigned to address him. “Are you talking to me?”

“You’re the only one wearing a mask,” Eliot replied.

“That crazy blonde should be wearing a mask so I don’t have to look at her face,” the man shot back.

“I happen to like her face … most of the time,” Eliot said. “I’m not terribly fond of it right this second, but then again, I’m definitely not happy with you. So, one more time because you appear to be hard of hearing: Take off your mask.”

The man squared his shoulders, defiance practically wafting off of him. “And what happens if I say no? Your threat about letting her come after me doesn’t exactly fill me with fear.”

“It should,” Eliot said. “She’s terrifying.”

“And yet you date her,” the man shot back. “What does that say about you?”

“Oh, let me hit him again,” I whined.

Eliot pretended not to hear me. “It says I have good taste,” he calmly stated. “It also says that I have limited patience because everything I have I need to deal with her. So, for the final time, take off your mask.”

“No.”

Eliot took a step toward the man, causing the mask wearer to balk and slam into the wall in his haste to get away from Eliot. Jake picked that moment to open the door and cut off Eliot’s path to fist-pounding glory. He looked confused when he scanned the room.

“What’s going on?” Jake asked.

“Eliot is going to beat that guy up,” Carly answered. “We’re going to watch.”

“Okay.” Jake didn’t appear surprised by the admission. “Why?”

“He threw Carly across the room and Avery caught her,” Lexie replied. “Then Avery got mad and hit him in the nuts with Carly’s purse. Then Eliot intervened and stopped a bigger fight. Now this guy won’t take off his mask.”

“Oh, well, at least I’m caught up,” Jake said, making a face. He extended his hand to still Eliot and then used the other to pluck the mask off the man’s face, revealing an unremarkable guy with pudgy cheeks and dark eyelashes.

“Hey!”

“Shut up,” Jake ordered, flipping the mask over so he could study it. “What show has bird men?”

“It’s from
Game of Thrones
,” I explained. “He’s part of a murderous cult that enjoys raping people and having slaves.”

“Nice,” Jake intoned, annoyed. “You watch such heartwarming television, Avery.”

“It’s a great show,” I protested. “Well, except for all the raping.”

“Who are you?” Eliot asked the man, tuning out my television critique.

“I’m pretty sure I don’t have to tell you that because you’re not a real cop,” the man shot back.

“I’m Jake Farrell and I’m the county sheriff,” Jake said, pointing toward his uniform. “Who are you?”

The man made a disgusted face. “Scott Burleson.”

“And why did you attack Carly?” Jake asked. “Were you trying to get to Avery?”

“I have no idea who Avery is,” Burleson replied, making an exaggerated face. “I have no idea who any of you people are. I’m from Grand Rapids. Your names mean nothing to me.”

“I’m Avery Shaw,” I offered. “Just think of me as Lois Lane.”

“Lois Lane ruined
Superman
,” Burleson sneered. “She turned him into a total wuss.”

“Okay, think of me as Cersei from
Game of Thrones
,” I said, switching gears. “I’ll behead you if you speak again. I will not, however, be having sex with my brother. I don’t have a brother, but even if I did I find incest really gross. The beheading I can live with, though.”

“Stop saying things like that,” Jake chided, his eyes contemplative as they looked Burleson up and down. “Were you here the day before yesterday?”

“I’m pretty sure I don’t have to answer that but I will because I want to get away from you people,” Burleson said. “We just got here this morning. We’re attending events today and tomorrow and then we have to head back home.”

“So you weren’t here Thursday?” Jake pressed. “Is that what you’re saying?”

“Are you deaf?”

Jake looked as if he wanted to hold Burleson down while Eliot got a few shots in. Instead, he glanced at me. “Do you think this is the guy who attacked you in the parking lot?”

I considered lying, but I knew no good would come of it. “It’s not him.”

“How can you be sure?”

“The guy in the parking lot was bigger and he had brown eyes. This guy has green eyes.”

Jake rubbed his chin and nodded. “Okay,” he said after a beat. “You need to watch yourself, Mr. Burleson. We’re investigating a murder and an attack in the parking lot. Your attitude is not appreciated, and if you cause another incident you’ll be removed from the property. Do you understand?”