By Proxy (16 page)

The tension in his faced eased a little as he listened to her words. “I would never want to hurt you, Jenny. Never.”

She smiled at him, cocking her head to the side. “Sam, the only thing that’s hurting me is my belly because I’m hungry. Can you please cheer up a little so we can go have supper?”

He searched her face with a worried expression then softened into a teasing grin. “Sassy little thing when dinner’s late.”

“You bet,” she replied, taking his proffered arm and resuming their course.

Well, Jen, hope you don’t need any more bravado tonight, because you just used up your whole reserve.
She sighed, trying not to think about Monday when it was only Saturday.
Live in the moment. Make this a memory you want to keep.

They stopped in front of the picture window at the saddler’s shop. Sam asked her which of the gingerbread houses on display was her favorite.

She grinned and tapped the glass in front of one completely covered in white frosting, messy and haphazard.

“Looks like something my niece would make. I think you’re a soft touch, Miss Lindstrom.”

“I love the little ones,” she conceded, smiling up at him.

“Your brother mentioned that. He said you wanted to work with little children, but Gardiner didn’t need an elementary school teacher, so you took a job at the high school instead.”

She nodded, waving to familiar faces here and there as they walked on. “That’s true.”

“I didn’t know you wanted to stay in Great Falls.”

“Wow. Sounds like I missed quite the history of my life!”

“Not really. They asked about Kristian. I mentioned he was from Great Falls. Lars volunteered how much you loved it up there.”

“I did. I loved going to school there. I thought I would stay after I graduated, but…”

“Your Mom got sick.”

Her stomach dropped a little at the baldness of his statement and she flinched. “Yes. Yes, she got sick. So I came home.”

She dropped her hand from his arm and put her hands in her parka pockets, as much to warm them as to comfort herself.

“I’m sorry it worked out that way, Jenny. I’m sorry about your Mom.”

“Me too. All of it. She was too young, you know?” They found themselves at the bridge again. Jenny held onto the railing, staring out toward the sound of the black, rushing water in the darkness. “She didn’t want to worry me. When they came for graduation, she was much thinner and looked frail, but she told me she was recovering from a bad bout of the flu. I believed her. So wrapped up in my own life, I couldn’t see what was right in front of me. She had sworn the boys to secrecy. I was the only one to go to college and she told them, ‘My Jenny-girl’s going to follow her dreams.’ Lars and Nils went against her when they came to get me a few weeks later.” She paused, running her hand back and forth across the railing. “I’ll owe them for the rest of my life for making that decision. I wouldn’t have ever forgiven myself if I’d missed those last few weeks.”

Sam had been standing behind her, but now came up beside her at the railing, covering her mittened hand with his own. “Cancer?”

She nodded, biting her lower lip. “It went fast.” She swallowed back her tears, which reminded of her of a favorite quote. “C.S. Lewis wrote, ‘Crying is all right in its own way while it lasts. But you have to stop sooner or later, and then you still have to decide what to do.’ I cried for a long time, Sam. And then the decision came easily. I needed to stay in Gardiner, to tend to the boys, to be with my family. There’s nothing more important than family.”

He nodded beside her. “But what about
you
?”

“What
about
me?”

“You loved Great Falls. Are you happy here? Is Gardiner enough? Is this what
you
want?”

“I love Gardiner. It’s small and safe, and the people I love are here.”

She wasn’t being honest with him, though, and she knew it. Gardiner was a long way from perfect as far as Jenny was concerned.
Small and safe and beloved? Yes. But paradise? Alas
, she conceded,
no
.

She missed Great Falls terribly.
The symphony, the lectures, the shopping mall
, she considered ruefully. Not that she could ever be comfortable in a huge city, but a small city like Great Falls was her idea of heaven.

Thinking about it wouldn’t change it.
She looked up at the sky. “Look. Cassiopeia. The vain queen.” She pointed. “See it? The W.” He didn’t answer, so she turned to look at him standing beside her.

“I want to kiss you again,” he murmured simply, leaning toward her.

She wanted to melt into him, to find comfort and warmth in his arms. To repeat the mind-blowing, toe-curling piece of perfect that had been his lips on hers, his tongue gently sucking on hers. To assuage her terrible, unfulfilled longing for him. To know what it felt like for him to want her as much as she wanted him.

A memory you want to keep.
Would she want the memory of so many perfect, passionate, heart-stopping kisses once he was gone?

She straightened her spine and looked around, gesturing to the people coming and going around them. “Not here,” she whispered, “where anyone could see us.”

He nudged her in the side gently with his mittened hand. “Dinner?”

She smiled at him, hating that confusion that made her feel disappointed and relieved at the same time, and nodded. “Dinner.”

***

The Grizzly Guzzle Grill was hopping with diners taking a break from the cold of the Stroll. Jenny and Sam sat at a table by the windows and after a moment two Cokes appeared, courtesy of Lars at the bar.

“I suppose you want a beer?” Jenny asked.

“You don’t like it.”

“No, I don’t. But, I’m not the one drinking it.”

“I meant you don’t like it that
I
drink it.”

“Sam, it’s not up to me what you do. Men will have their vices. I know what
that
means, and an occasional beer is a vice I can handle.”

He grinned at her, appreciating the way she seemed to loosen up the longer he knew her. “Well, in that case, I’d love a beer.” He glanced at Lars. “I assume Lars doesn’t disapprove, considering his vocation?”

“The boys aren’t big drinkers,” Jenny shared, “but they are known to partake from time to time. They have woken up the day after many a Midsummer in pain.”

They placed their order, which included two burgers and a beer. The latter part of the order prompted a whooping laugh from Lars at the bar when the waitress headed over to collect the beer, gesturing to Jenny and Sam. Jenny looked over at him, and he pantomimed doing a shot, looking at her expectantly, palms raised in question. She held up her glass of Coke and took a nice, long sip, then smacked her lips in satisfaction, sticking her tongue out at her brother.

“Hey,” Jenny started, turning back to Sam, who made himself look away from her tongue as he shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “Did you mention a niece before? When we were looking at the gingerbread?”

“Yeah. My sister Colleen has two little girls, Heidi and Greta. Heidi’s five now. Greta’s only two.” Jenny’s face was animated and focused, encouraging him to continue. “And my other sister, Muirin, has a little boy, Colin. He’s new.”

“New?” Her eyes were bright with interest.

“He was born a few weeks ago in September. Colleen lives north of Chicago in Milwaukee.” He gestured to his left with his left hand. “Muirin lives across the lake in Kalamazoo.” He gestured to the right with his right hand. “We were all in Kalamazoo for Thanksgiving with Muirin and baby Colin.” He fished in his pocket for his iPhone and clicked on the photo app, choosing a picture and handing the phone to Jenny. “Uncle Sammy and baby Colin.”

Jenny looked at the picture, and Sam watched Jenny, and he couldn’t help it. He pictured her with a ginger-haired, brown-eyed baby on her lap, looking back at him.

Knowing what he knew of her, she would make a wonderful mother someday. Warm, loving, honest, firm. And they’d be good kids with a mother like Jenny. His gut twisted as he thought about the lucky man who’d make Jenny his wife. Paul’s handsome face entered Sam’s mind, and he swallowed against the physical discomfort he felt imagining Jenny with Paul instead of him. He thought back to Paul’s words: “
I’ll help her pick up the pieces.”

Like hell you will. I will figure this out. I will.

She handed the phone back to Sam, beaming. “He’s lovely.”

Sam nodded, forcing thoughts of Jenny with Paul out of his mind. “You want kids?”

“Someday.” She looked down, and a pretty blush colored her cheeks. “Of course I do. What would be better than that? A husband who loves me and a baby or two?” She smiled at him. “Someday.”

“And in the meantime?”

“Work. Casey. Get married to handsome strangers. You know, the usual.”

He chuckled, raising his eyebrows. “
Handsome
?”

She shrugged and the blush deepened, but she faced him with a shy smile, biting her lower lip. Damn, he wanted to kiss her again. “Yes. Handsome.”

She looked away, then stood up and excused herself to go to the restroom, stopping to chat with Lars on her way.

Jenny, Jenny, Jenny, you have no idea what you’re doing to me.

He thought about their conversation on the bridge when his hopes for her to come to Chicago had taken a hit. She had been very clear. Her life was in Gardiner and that’s where she wanted to stay. He breathed deeply and sighed, because he couldn’t possibly consider Gardiner for himself. There simply wasn’t any opportunity for him here. Frankly, Gardiner was charming for a weekend stopover, but that was about all. He would still ask her about Chicago, but tomorrow or Monday. Not tonight. He didn’t want to spoil tonight. It could wait.

The waitress came by with their burgers and Sam sat back, waiting for Jenny. He took a big sip of beer.

He had wanted to kiss her so badly on the bridge, hold her and comfort her after she told him about her mother. But it was a stupid thing to suggest. Jenny was no Pepper, who used any public opportunity to make out, more for her image than because she genuinely cared for Sam. “Hot Pepper” was one of her favorite magazine captions, and faking surprise when the cameras caught her with her tongue in Sam’s mouth was one of her favorite ways to procure it. Going back to Chicago, back to girls like Pepper, sat like lead in his stomach.

His mind wandered to what Jenny had said about kids, how she wanted a husband who loved her and kids of her own someday. All the time he’d been with Pepper, any dreams of marriage and kids had been strictly kept at bay; it wasn’t an option for him to imagine himself with Pepper for the long-term. And yet, after knowing Jenny for only two days, he couldn’t help but think of her holding a red-headed baby in her arms. Red-headed like him.

Jenny returned and smiled at him as she sat down. Sam took a shaky breath, concealing his internal dialogue behind a big gulp of beer.

“Tree lighting in an hour,” she said, taking a big bite of burger.

“Near the arch, right?”

“Uh-huh. There’s a big old evergreen there that they keep roped with lights all year. Goes on after the Christmas Stroll, and off on New Year’s Day. Then Christmas is over.”

“What do you do for Christmas?” Sam asked. They’d be far away from each other by then, but he could think of her, imagine her Christmas Day.

“We’ll have a
Julebord
at church, a pre-Christmas party. Usually it’s the second or third Sunday of Advent and it’s great. We have a big potluck dinner, make Christmas wreaths, the children sing carols, and we bring toys to donate to needy kids. I love it. I help with the Christmas pageant, too. I used to love the symphony in Great Falls. They always had some special concert at Christmastime. Maybe I’ll head up there for one of their concerts, too. Sometimes I can get Erik to go with me, or Maggie from the Prairie Dawn.” She shrugged. “Paul asked me to help with…”

She bit her bottom lip, flicking her glance at Sam and then down at her burger.

If she keeps biting her bottom lip, I’m kissing it in front of her brother and I don’t care if he leaps over the bar and slams his fist in my face. It’ll be worth it.

“Go on,” Sam encouraged her. At the mention of Paul something uncomfortable and sharp stabbed at him, but he smiled at Jenny.

“Well, he asked me to help with the Christmas Concert this year. It’s very good. The senior girls often do a special choral piece, and the orchestra plays. I’m helping to put together special freshman and sophomore choruses this year. If there are any students who excel at an instrument, they’re invited to participate.” She took a sip of her drink.

“What about your family?”

“Well, we still get our tree on Christmas Eve and decorate it after church. The traditional way. Pappa, Nils, Lars, Erik and me. Paul sometimes joins us too. And we have
Glögg
, and
lutefisk
, of course.” Sam cringed, and she grinned at him. “It’s not that bad!”

“It’s worse than ‘that bad!’” exclaimed Sam, thinking of the salted fish cured in lye.

“Well, it’s tradition. We have it. And then we—”

“Wait just a minute, Jen. Back up.
Glögg
?” He raised his eyebrows teasingly.
Glögg
was a hot mulled wine, made sweet with spices and dried fruit.

“
Glögg
for Christmas Eve only!” She looked sheepish, popping a fry in her mouth. “It wouldn’t be Christmas Eve without
Glögg
.”

“Women will have their vices.” He chuckled, surprised by her again, loving the gray areas that made Jenny…well, Jenny. “Then what?”

“We all sleep at Pappa’s. On the couch, under the tree or in one of the spare rooms, and then we exchange gifts on Christmas morning.”

“Paul too? The foundling principal?”

She tilted her head at him. “The Fourth Lindstrom.” She paused, her forehead creased in thought. “He’s like a brother to me, Sam. He came here five or six years ago from the East. We were lucky to get him. I mean, he went to all these fancy schools and he only chose Montana because of the parks. He vacationed here as a child, and he’ll tell anyone he loves the idea of summers off to explore the parks. Working at a school is the perfect job.