BWWM Interracial Romance 3: Family Heart (4 page)

“I’m so relieved!” Logan grinned. “I’m not really worried about it--I was pretty sure he’d grow out of it eventually. But it is a relief to have something other than chicken nuggets, green beans, and mac and cheese for dinner.” They compared their favorite foods--and their guilty pleasure foods.

“You know,” Jessica said, finishing her fries and contemplating whether or not she wanted another cocktail or a dessert. “When I was little, I used to LOVE having Spaghetti-Os with meatballs, with American cheese melted into it. I’d mix it all up, and I would have sworn to you that that was ambrosia of the gods.” Logan chuckled. “The sad thing is that I still occasionally get cravings for it, and I have no idea why--what kind of nutrients could I possibly have been getting from that?” Logan nodded and laughed.

“I can do you one better. I used to make grilled American cheese and peanut butter sandwiches. I loved ‘em. Thinking about them now makes me shudder--but the only reason that I haven’t made one for myself in years is because I’m afraid it won’t taste as good as it did when I was six.”

“You never know,” Jessica said with a little grin. “Maybe it will be every bit as good as you remember it being, and you can introduce the taste sensation to Zachary.”

The date began to wind down; Logan convinced Jessica to share a dessert with him, insisting that she take a fair portion of the decadent molten brownie and vanilla ice cream. They managed to get the bill paid with a minimum of fuss--Jessica made only a token resistance to Logan’s assertion that he would pay for everything. She sneaked a glance as he was signing the receipt and smiled to herself at the sight of a generous tip left for the server. Jessica felt warm from the inside out, tingling all over with a mixture of pleasant anticipation and only a little anxiety as they got up from their seats to leave the restaurant. As he led her to the car, Logan stopped short of the passenger side door, and took Jessica’s hands in his. “I’m having a really good night,” Logan said quietly, his dark eyes shining in the security lights of the parking lot. Jessica smiled, her heart pounding in her chest.

“So am I,” she said, swallowing against the sudden dryness she felt in her throat. Logan moved closer to her and Jessica felt her body tensing, her chest heating up even more with a flush that had worked down from her cheeks across her neck and kept creeping along her skin.

“I don’t want to rush you, or make you feel like I want anything you don’t want,” Logan said gently. Jessica licked her lips, wondering where Logan was going with this. “So if you don’t want this, just tell me to stop.” He leaned in, and Jessica had almost no time to react as his lips brushed against hers, his body pressing lightly all along hers, pinning her to the car. For just a moment, Jessica felt a spurt of fear--but then, before she could even reason or rationalize, she was kissing back, pulling her hands from Logan’s and bringing them up, draping them around his shoulders. She held his body closer to hers, her heart beating faster, her whole body tingling with hot and cold flashes. Logan deepened the kiss, his tongue beginning to probe her mouth the moment she parted her lips for his gentle-yet-insistent prodding. He tasted of the brownie, an undercurrent of hoppy bitterness from the beer he’d had with his dinner and something deeper, something Jessica couldn’t quite define but that intrigued her to no end, encouraging her to explore his mouth more and more fully with her tongue.

When Logan pulled back, breaking away from her lips, Jessica was trembling, breathless, her head spinning even as she opened her eyes. Logan’s eyes were as dark as pitch as he looked down at her, his cheeks slightly flushed in the glaring blue-white light of the security lamps outside. “I don’t want tonight to end,” he said quietly. “I don’t--I don’t expect anything from you, but would you be willing to come home with me? Just for a little privacy?” Jessica’s spinning, swimming mind tried to decide what she should do.

“I’m not--I’m not going to have sex with you, not tonight.” She blushed, realizing that she was implying that she absolutely would another night. “But, if you really mean it, that you won’t pressure me into anything, I’ll go home with you for a little while.” Logan smiled slowly.

“I really mean it. We can sit on the couch and talk and nothing more, if that’s what you want.” Jessica, feeling a little daring, and with lust rushing through her body--more than she could push aside or contain with thoughts about propriety--grinned.

“Oh, we’ll do more than that. I will be really, really disappointed if you don’t kiss me again before the night is done.”

Jessica wondered that she didn’t glow in the dark as they both got into Logan’s SUV and pulled out of the parking lot of the restaurant and into the street. The highway was not very well-lit for the dark hour--there weren’t many people still out, or those that were hadn’t decided to make the trek home yet. Logan held Jessica’s hand in his while he drove, humming softly and glancing at her every so often as if to make sure she was really there and not an apparition. Jessica could appreciate the feeling; part of her felt utterly surreal, as if she was in a dream--a much pleasanter dream than the one she had had featuring Evan earlier in the week. Her body crackled with sensations, electric impulses of lust and pleasure dancing up and down along every nerve of her body, and she knew that it would probably not be easy for her to resist Logan if he did decide to pressure her into having sex--even though she didn’t want to be that kind of girl, her hormones were at such a height, and her body craved his touch so much, she wasn’t sure she could possibly even make herself say no.

Logan’s house was--fittingly--a beautifully-constructed ranch-style home, situated in the Cypress area. Logan led her up the walkway, pointing out the parts of the house that he was slowly transforming. “It was a perfectly solid house when I took it,” he said, shrugging. “But I want it to be--not perfect, but as good as it can be.” He dug his keys out of his pocket and unlocked the front door. “It isn’t historic district, of course, but I felt like it could use a few historic touches. Please--please don’t hold the mess against me. I’m still trying to get Zachary to understand why cleaning up after himself is a good idea.” Jessica chuckled as they went into the living room together--it was the first room beyond the front door and a small foyer, and immediately she could see where Zachary doubtless loved to play: a toy chest was open, and action figures had been abandoned on the floor around it in front of the TV, with cars of all sizes strewn among them. It was impossible for Jessica to imagine exactly what kind of game Zachary might have been playing when he had abandoned his toys, but the mess didn’t bother her.

“It’s okay--kids are messy.” She stepped over the toys and sat down tentatively on the couch. Jessica wondered just how she and Logan would continue their evening--just what Logan had in mind.

“Can I get you some coffee? I think I might have decaf.” Jessica smiled, thinking that Logan looked just a little bit nervous--the same as she felt.

“Decaf would be nice,” Jessica said. Her heart was beating faster and faster, and she wasn’t sure what she was expecting—or how she would react if Logan really did try to make a move. Logan went into the kitchen and Jessica started thinking of ways that she could leave; she could make an excuse—say that her mother was waiting up for her. But that seemed cowardly.

Logan came back a few moments later, before Jessica could decide how she could extricate herself from the potentially difficult situation. The smell of brewing coffee filled the air, and Jessica decided that—as long as Logan didn’t try to push her too far—she would see the date through. Logan sat down next to her. “I don’t want to make you feel pressured,” He said, holding her gaze, “But I was having an amazing time with you, and I couldn’t bear to let the evening end so soon.” Jessica felt herself smiling, inching towards Logan slightly.

“I’ve been having a really good time too,” she admitted. “I’m just… a little out of practice, I guess.” Logan nodded.

“Gail told me… about your boyfriend.” He hesitated a moment. “I’m out of practice too. I’m not looking for anything in particular from you right now… except for maybe a bit of kissing.” Jessica took his hands in hers, gave them a gentle squeeze.

“I can do that.” She was blushing, heat rising in her cheeks and trailing down onto her chest. It was too easy to remember the kiss in front of the restaurant, how good it had felt. Logan leaned in and Jessica trembled slightly as his lips came into contact with hers, his hands moving to brush along her arms, gliding up to her shoulder to pull her close. As the kiss deepened, Logan pressed her back against the couch slightly, and for a moment Jessica felt her fear rising again. But Logan made no move to try and undress her, and gradually Jessica found herself getting more and more into the kiss. As long as it stayed there, she thought, she could handle it.

The coffee was completely forgotten while they transitioned from kissing into a kind of sleepy cuddling, neither one of them moving to push the situation forward. Jessica fell asleep in Logan’s arms, feeling safe and comforted for the first time in a year.

After the success of her first date with Logan, Jessica couldn’t help but agree to another date; she had awakened in his arms, a bit stiff and sore from sleeping on the couch, but more comfortable in other respects than she could remember being. Logan had been quick to ask her out on a second date, and Jessica had been quick to accept.

In spite of her ready attraction to Logan, it wasn’t until the third date that she and Logan finally managed to end up in bed together. Their kissing grew in intensity with each meeting—Logan gradually working up the nerve to make actual moves that Jessica was ready for. Jessica responded to him easily in the moment, but in between their dates together, she started to worry that she was taking things too slowly for him—while she might be taking things too fast for herself. The night that they ended up finishing in Logan’s bed, he had taken her out to a concert; one of his friends was in a local band—and Jessica had enjoyed the country-infused rock that they listened to at least as much as Logan had. Between beers and growing closeness, Jessica had finally been ready to let Logan take her into his bedroom. Zachary was with his mother that night, and Jessica was glad of it—while she wanted to meet the five-year-old that Logan loved so much, she wasn’t sure if she wanted the risk of running into the child before things were really settled between them.

Logan had stopped as they moved towards the bed, breaking away from the heady, intense kiss and asking her if she was sure she was ready—that she wanted to go through with it. “God yes,” Jessica had answered. After a few weeks of seeing him, kissing him, and thinking about him, Jessica had been absolutely ready to finally push past her comfort zone and let herself be intimate with him. As their clothes had fallen off, they took their time exploring each other’s bodies, admiring each other in the yellow light of the bedroom lamp. All of the men that Jessica had dated before Logan had been at least racially mixed, if not black like herself; Logan, his skin as pale as cream, dotted with freckles, had been a revelation for Jessica. While they worked up to main event, she had touched and tasted him everywhere she could reach, enjoying the play of her darker skin against his pallor, the smoothness of her legs against the slightly reddish, curling hair on his.

When Logan had rolled her over onto the bed underneath him, Jessica had been torn between fascination at the glide of his pale fingers across her burnt caramel abdomen and abandonment to the sensations he was creating inside of her, as his lips trailed down to her hip, to the insides of her thighs, until he worked his way up and devoured her. It had been so long since she had had sex with anyone that Jessica had felt insecure about her abilities—but Logan was more than happy to take the lead, bringing her from one peak of pleasure to the next, teasing her relentlessly as she trembled and moaned underneath him. His fingers, his tongue, his lips worked away at her pleasure center until she thought she couldn’t possibly take any more sensation—and then soothed her until she was calm in his arms once more. When she was calm, her trembling coming to a gradual stop, his hands had come alive on her body once more, stroking and teasing, starting at her breasts and working their way down to her hips. She had writhed and squirmed under his touch, panting and gasping once more as he rubbed her with quick, sure fingers, bringing her to a fever pitch over and over and over again. By the time he guided himself up against her and pushed past her yielding defenses, thrusting his hips against hers, Jessica had reached orgasm so many times that her hips’ countermovement was instinctive, her mind far gone in a haze of pleasure. They moved together in a tidal rhythm that was impossible to ignore, an instantaneous, wordless accord that brought them both inexorably to another climax in what seemed like a matter of only a few minutes.

The next morning they had made love again and again, with Logan joking that they were both making up for lost time, getting to know each other’s bodies as well as they knew their own. Jessica had been so afraid to move forward into that kind of intimacy with another person that she had thought she might go the rest of her life without sex—but in that one night, Logan had proved that it had been a foolish idea. Nothing she could do was wrong—Logan coached her, praised her, murmuring compliments in her ear for how good she felt, how delicious she tasted, how amazing she was, until the sound of his voice made her shiver all on its own, and she knew there was no way for her to go back to being celibate.

Their relationship wasn’t perfect; Logan and Jessica were both busy people, and it seemed to Jessica as though one of them would eventually have to find some way to give in on their schedule. Objectively, she knew it should be her—Logan had a son as well as his career to think of. But she couldn’t quite make herself give up even a fraction of her responsibilities or dedication to her job. It simply wasn’t in her to give her job less than 100%, particularly after the amount of effort that she had put into becoming an editor at the Texan. Logan told her over and over again that he didn’t expect her to give anything up for him. “You had a life before me,” he said. “I don’t expect that to change just because we’re dating. You wouldn’t be the sexy woman I care so much about if you threw everything aside for me.”

Jessica began to wonder, however; as months passed, and they spent more and more time together—as much as they could both manage with their schedules—Jessica kept hoping to meet Zachary. She hadn’t thought she’d be interested in a lover’s child from a previous relationship, but then as she got to know just how big of a part Zachary played in Logan’s life, she was curious—and anxious—about how she could possibly fit into their life. In spite of her curiosity and trepidation both, Jessica couldn’t bring herself to ask when Logan would feel comfortable with introducing her to his son. She thought that if she asked him, and tried to encourage the meeting, it would mean taking a step in their relationship together that she wasn’t sure she was ready for.

Jessica tried to explain her confusion to Gail, and even to her own mother, but neither woman seemed to understand her ambivalence; how she could want to take things further with Logan, want to have some kind of commitment beyond the desire to keep seeing each other—without wanting to make the move herself. She knew that it was silly; three months into the relationship, one of them would have to start the discussion about whether or not they were going to be more than just casual boyfriend and girlfriend. It might as well be her as Logan. But Jessica couldn’t make herself follow through. She couldn’t convince herself to open up the discussion. She was too afraid of what might happen, and she knew it; she couldn’t bear the thought of hearing from Logan that he just wanted to keep things casual, and she also couldn’t bear the fear of knowing that he wanted more. As long as there was no solid, rational discussion of their future together, Jessica could pretend like the relationship was not quite real. She could have a safety valve for the misgivings that started to crop up in her mind.

Her dreams of Evan began to fade as she and Logan got closer and closer, and saw each other more frequently; at first Jessica was relieved by that fact, but her relief was short-lived. As her feelings of grief began to abate, Jessica began to feel guilty instead. Was she betraying Evan’s memory by falling in love with another man so soon? Gail told her in unequivocal terms that she wasn’t. “Evan wouldn’t want you to go on without any love or sex in your life. He’d want you to be happy, and to fall in love.” On some level, Jessica had to accept that it was true; Evan wouldn’t have wanted her to remain miserable, entombed in grief, for the rest of her life. She was young, and she had a long life ahead of her.

On the other hand, however, Jessica couldn’t help feeling like it was a betrayal to move on so soon. That she should have mourned Evan for a longer period of time, that she should have at the most gone out on one date with Logan just to say that she had, and then let the matter drop until she was fully ready to give herself to someone. She tried to come to terms with the feelings, but as Logan brought her more and more out of her shell, she couldn’t help feeling as though she was doing something wrong.

One night, while they were together, cuddling in the living room after a dinner that Jessica had made, there was a knock at the door. “That’s odd,” Logan said, disentangling himself from Jessica with a confused expression on his face. He walked to the door and opened it, and Jessica caught sight of a woman on the other side. She was slim—slimmer than Jessica by at least two sizes—with subtle hips and perky breasts, long arms and legs showing from a short sleeved shirt and a pair of denim shorts. Her hair fell to her shoulders in reddish-blonde waves, and her skin was almost as pale as Logan’s. “Rosanna?” Logan said, standing back from the door slightly. “What are you doing here?” Jessica felt her stomach lurch at the name. Logan had told her about his ex-wife—about how they had come to be divorced, when Rosanna had cheated on Logan. He hadn’t mentioned that his wife was so beautiful, but then, Jessica thought ruefully—that wasn’t the sort of thing anyone would really be comfortable in mentioning to their new girlfriend.

“I couldn’t get you on the phone, so I thought I’d come over and talk to you in person,” The woman said, giving Logan a smile that made Jessica’s heart start pounding in jealous insecurity. She looked into the house and Jessica saw the woman spot her, saw her eyes widen and the smile fall from her face. “But if you’re busy…” Logan fidgeted.

“If it’s something quick…” he said, glancing at Jessica. The woman recovered her composure.

“I was just wondering if I could take Zac to Six Flags next weekend; if you didn’t have anything planned. I need to buy the tickets now if I’m going to do it.” Logan’s face in profile flickered in an expression that Jessica couldn’t quite read.

“It’s your weekend with him—of course you can. I don’t have anything planned.” Rosanna nodded quickly, and Jessica could see that she was trying to come up with an excuse to linger; she couldn’t fault the woman for curiosity, but she still felt as though her lover’s ex-wife was thinking baleful thoughts towards her. But if she had cheated on Logan, and gone through with a divorce, why would she have any real interest in the woman that Logan was dating—especially if Logan hadn’t even introduced his son to his new lover?

“You could come with us—maybe bring your friend…” Rosanna glanced at Jessica again, and Jessica felt herself blushing, feeling humiliated by the attention from the woman, who seemed so confident, almost haughty.

“I’ll let you know, Rosanna. If you don’t mind, I’m kind of busy right now.” Rosanna gave Jessica one last glance and turned away from the door, leaving them in not quite a huff.

Though Logan came back and was as affectionate as ever, Jessica couldn’t quite keep the mood of the date after his ex-wife made her appearance. They made love, they fell asleep in each other’s arms, but she woke up several times throughout the night, consumed with more emotions than she could handle. The next day, Jessica tried to keep up her normal, un-self-conscious banter with Logan, but her mind was still spinning. She knew she had to do something; she should, she knew, discuss the issue with Logan. She should give him the benefit of the doubt as well as her trust, and talk about how it had shaken her to see Rosanna. She should mention that she wanted to meet Zachary, and get to know him. She should open up the conversation about what they were to each other beyond sex partners and companions. But she couldn’t quite bring herself to do it.

Instead, though she didn’t want to, Jessica started to pull back. If Logan wasn’t sure enough about the relationship to introduce her to Zachary, then she might have reasons for her misgivings. If his ex-wife was trying to get back into his life, there might be unresolved issues that she didn’t want to be a part of. She canceled a date and spent the night it would have taken place feeling miserable without him—but relieved that she didn’t have to go through the night trying to avoid the topics that were starting to scream in her mind. She went on another date with him, telling herself that she was being silly, but spent the whole evening wondering if he would bring the issues up, if he would announce that he wanted to make their relationship more official, more substantial. When he didn’t, she went home by herself instead of going back to his place, and avoided her mother’s questions by saying that she wasn’t feeling well and just wanted to go to bed.

Jessica tried to keep her head above water. Logan was still charming, still affectionate—still obviously in love with her. But she couldn’t keep herself comfortable. Meeting his wife had shaken her already insecure hold on the relationship, had started up new questions in her mind about whether or not Logan was actually serious about her. What if she was nothing more than a rebound? What if he—like her—was not actually ready to move on? The new anxieties swirled around in her mind, mingling with the insecurities she already had, the sense of guilt that she felt about seeming to abandon Evan’s memory in the bliss that she had found in Logan’s arms. She couldn’t decide what she wanted to do; part of her wanted absolutely to stay with Logan for as long as the relationship could possibly relax, while another part of her wanted to flee the pulling on her heart with all of the strength she might have. As they began to see each other less frequently, Jessica wasn’t sure whether her sense of panic or her sense of relief was more profound.