Butterflies in Honey (Growing Pains #3) (44 page)

“See more of you? Sean, I see all there is to
see of you. In the evenings, I get here a half hour after you do.
In the morning I leave an hour after you do, if not more. I am in
this house more often than you are. Me moving in means you wouldn’t
even have to remember to leave the door unlocked. You would have
someone to cook for you, clean up after you—everything but wash
your ass for you. That’s not seeing more of you. That is
servitude.”

“I don’t have time for this. I wanted to go,
but it is impossible. I’m sorry. End of discussion.”

There was finality to his statement that sent
her over the edge.

“End of discussion? What am I, a 1940’s
housewife? That is
not
the end of the discussion. You don’t
have time for me, period. You don’t have time for
anything
.
You are a walking graveyard. You look like shit, Sean. You are
mean, you are bitchy, and you never smile. What do you think that
means? It means you are
unhappy
!

“You have a girl you claim to have wanted for
years. You have her. Here I am. But guess what, smart guy? You’re
losing her. I didn’t sign a pact to be with you through thick and
thin. Why? Because you won’t sign the same thing for me. You treat
me like I am expendable. Worse than expendable, actually. And guess
what? You don’t go this weekend, and
seriously
change your
lifestyle, then I’m leaving. I won’t stay around for this. I have
to look out for number one,
me
, because, and this shouldn’t
come as a surprise to you, you only look after
you
. So you
have three days to really rethink your position about this
weekend.”

Sean was looking at her skeptically. “So
you’re saying that if I don’t go, you are giving up on us? You
would let this relationship fail?”

He was trying to hit on her fear of failure.
He thought he could manipulate her. It added a heavy film of
sadness over her anger.

“Sean, I’ve never believed in us. Not since
you pushed me away, twice. Not since you showed up here, without
calling, after you were finished hitting your life goals. Since
then, I never thought we would succeed. I didn’t think you would
compromise to be with me. And look, I was right.”

Sean’s eyes got as big as saucers. It was
like she physically punched him in his gut, and he felt beyond
wretched, but she was also telling the truth. Little did he know
that she had been carrying around this hurt all throughout their
time together. She worried it would come to this. It devastated her
that it actually did.

Krista snatched her purse and turned to
leave. Before she did, though, she turned back around for one final
shot.

“And Sean, you talked about family. About
having two kids, maybe three. You told me once that you would make
a great father. A great husband. What kind of father and husband
spends all his time at work? Can’t share dinners with his family?
Is always making up excuses and flaking on plans at the last
minute? A
bad
father, Sean. A
bad
husband. Because
you know what? This will never end. What you are doing right
now…it’ll never end. You’ll find new goals to hit, new ways to be
better. I want my children to know their father. I want my husband
to come home to spend time with me. I guess I am selfish like that.
I can’t have those things with you. That is clear to me now. I’m
sorry.”

Krista turned on her heel and walked out of
the room. Tears were streaming down her face, but she knew she was
doing the right thing. Everything she said was true, and it locked
into place as she said it out loud. She felt like she took the last
spark of hope she was harvesting for him, plucked it out of her
heart, and dropped it in the trash on her way out the door.

As she got in the car, the familiar bubble of
pain was back. The Sean hurt box was wide open and throwing a party
in the empty Hope room. Life truly sucked.

Krista cried harder that night than she had
in a long time. Harder than she cried when she left him for L.A.
She had hoped he would prove he wanted her forever this time, that
he would’ve learned his lesson. Instead, they ended up in the same
place.

At one point, Jasmine came into Krista’s room
and crawled in bed with her. Apparently everyone was expecting
this, so when she heard Krista come home in tears, she knew what
probably happened.

The next day, Sean didn’t call. Krista didn’t
even get an email for work-related issues. The day after, he didn’t
call, either. She saw him passing in the hall by the break room and
got a stiff nod as he dictated something to Janice. Sean never
passed her by without a twinkle in his eye and a few casual words.
Not since he first got to L.A. Actually, not
ever.
Not in
their whole history of knowing each other.

Sean hadn’t called, but Cassie did. Once or
twice a day since Sean and Krista got back together, and about
three or four times in the last couple of days. Krista was the
sister Cassie had always wanted, and she was cashing in, both with
general chatter and with a support network. She and Krista got
along better than great, and they were constantly in communication
about events, big and small. As this event was huge, Cassie weighed
in via voicemail (Krista generally didn’t answer her phone at
work):

“Krista, I texted that horse’s ass. He
ignored me! Can you believe the
nerve
? So screw him! You got
me in the divorce, kid. I will marry you myself when I move down
there, don’t you fret. I’m texting him that he is a dick every
hour—
hah!
Actually…I’m going to start texting him
profanities. He’ll hate that! Hang in there, okay? Love you! Oh,
and tell K-Jaz that Operation: Flaming Dog Poop is a
go!
”

All day Thursday Krista hoped Sean would at
least call to talk. Or send a quick word to apologize for flaking.
A distant part of her hoped she was all wrong, and he planned to go
with her the next day after all. When 4:00 rolled around, her hope
had all but vanished. She had been staring at her email, hoping,
but when she finally looked up, Ben and Kate were sitting across
her desk.

“Oh. Hey guys. I didn’t hear you come
in.”

“We are headed to happy hour. Since this is
technically your Friday, you’re coming,” Ben said with steel in his
voice. That wasn’t like Ben. Kate, definitely. Not mousy Ben.

“I should at least wait until five.” Krista
glanced at the clock. It was a quarter past five. She had been
staring off into space for over an hour.
Yikes.

Kate and Ben were looking at her with pity
written plainly across their face.

“Pity party, table for one?” Krista said with
a small smile.

“Been there,” Kate said. Ben agreed
grimly.

Krista turned off everything and followed
them out of the office. She was definitely lack-luster. Vacation
alone was dismal at best. Vacation alone because your partner
flaked on you was worse.

They settled in a booth at the local watering
hole as Jasmine and Marcus came through the door.

“Geegee! Good to see you. What time are you
headed to San Diego?” Marcus asked in a voice that was infused with
Prozac.

“Don’t try to cheer me up, Marcus. It
irritates me. I am leaving tomorrow at about noon. I have to load
up all my gear.”

“What gear are you taking? I know you’re
already packed,” Jasmine said.

“When were you packed, last week?” Ben
asked.

“I had to repack last night.” Krista stuck
her tongue out at Ben. “There were some things I no longer had to
bring. Gear. Surfing stuff, mostly.”

Krista gulped down her beer and held up her
empty bottle for the waitress to notice and fix.

“I hear there’ll be big surf down there. They
think Saturday, right?” Jasmine asked. Her voice was tight.

“Yeah, why?”

“I heard it on the news. Big surf, as in,
bigger than a novice is probably used to. As in, don’t surf it,
Krista.”

“If it is really that big, I don’t plan to.
But it doesn’t come in huge waves all across the coast line. I’ll
pick a beach that isn’t pro, don’t worry. I don’t have a death
wish.”

“Not usually,” Ben said. “But when you are
broken hearted you tend to misuse the rational side of your brain.
I think you should stick to alcohol. It isn’t deadly.”

“It can be,” Krista replied in defense.
“Look, you guys, I’m not going to mess with the ocean. Saturday
night I’ll get so shit-faced I’ll forget all my woes and won’t be
able to go on Sunday. One day of moderate waves. Relax. And if you
are that worried about it, drive down and meet me.”

Looks went around the table, but no one said
anything. Krista tapped a fake microphone. “Is this thing on?”

“Just don’t be a fucking idiot, Kris. That is
all we are asking,” Kate said with a smirk.

“Okay, dish.” Marcus leaned forward on the
table.

Krista rolled her eyes. “Do you only hang
around me for the gossip?”

Marcus put his hand on his chest as though an
arrow just went through it. “Despite the fact that since Sean
showed up you’ve had some great gossip, no. You are a friend, and I
happen to know that sharing the hurt makes a girl feel better. If
you want, I’ll go first.”

They sat and listened as Marcus reviewed his
latest dating faux-pas. The best story was the one where he was
with a guy that had a boyfriend away on a trip. The rule was: If
your boyfriend is out of town, feel free to screw around. Marcus
cashed in on that until said boyfriend walked in. Then Marcus had
to make a run for it. Him describing his James Bond tactics of
getting out were hilarious. Too bad he got caught.

After he was done and everyone was in tears
from laughing, Krista told her not-as-funny story. Everyone nodded
as she went along; they saw it coming.

“
Ouch
on the farewell speech, though,
Krista.” Ben had his eyes downcast.

“It’s true, though. He’s becoming the
opposite man he wanted to be.”

“Sean needs to hear it,” Macrus said,
nodding. “He needs a wakeup call. Have you seen him lately?”

Everyone shook their head.

“Well, he’s not looking so hot these days. I
mean, you know, for
him
, obviously. He’s lost weight, he’s
got dark circles under his eyes, he looks haunted—the man looks
like he’s in the throes of a heroin binge!”

“He works ridiculous hours.” Krista drained
her beer in an attempt to keep her tears away. She planned to pass
out rather than cry herself to sleep.

“I can’t imagine he is all that happy,” Ben
said dismally.

Krista shook her head. “Lost his sex drive,
too.”

Marcus gasped. “A man his age losing his sex
drive? It’s worse than I thought!”

Everyone laughed. While it was seriously
upsetting, and Krista cared about Sean deeply, it was nice to make
light of the problems she was trudging through.

Chapter Thirty-One

Saturday dawned a bright, fresh morning.
Krista was on her way to the beach of choice for her surfing
venture. She’d talked to a guy at the hotel bar the night before
and he recommended a beach with moderately sized waves. It had been
a lonely day, but being doted on all evening really boosted her
spirits. The guy had asked if she wanted a night cap in his room,
which really just meant sex, of course. Krista nearly agreed out of
pure pain—just to get back at Sean for hurting her—but thought of
what Ben said about her misuse of logic. If she were single, there
was no way she would touch that drunk Tool.

The beach had smooth sands and crisp waves.
There were a few surfers out in the water down the medium sized
beach. There were also a few people laying out, trying to catch the
last of the summer sun before it turned directly into winter—fall
was fleeting at best down in this part of the world.

When Krista was walking down the path to the
beach, she realized the waves were a smidge bigger than
anticipated. Certainly bigger than she was used to. She very nearly
turned around and walked back to the bar, but what else was she
going to do? Sit in a bar alone like an alcoholic? Plus, they
weren’t
that
much bigger. She had to progress sometime.

Getting out past the waves was a chore. The
first wave that rolled through nearly caught her up and took her
with it. She had to be more conscious of diving down, and she also
probably went a bit deeper then she needed to, but she eventually
made it.

She got a nod and a
Hey
from the two
guys close to her, and swam away to give them some room. She sat on
her board for a minute, soaking in the sun and watching the various
guys down the beach grab waves and ride them in. They all looked
like well-oiled machines. It was fantastic watching them. Also a
little nerve racking. She’d thought the beach was for surfers just
shy of intermediate, like her. These guys were
way
intermediate. It made her wonder about being out here. The waves
were doable, but a small fear nagged that possibly she was in over
her head.

Krista swallowed her fear and decided it was
time to give it a try. The next wave that looked like a keeper came
in and she paddled to reach that sweet spot that would sweep her
away. Hitting it just right, she hopped up…and felt like she was
free falling down the face of the world! It was a huge rush! Her
adrenaline peeked and suddenly the day, the wave, her feet, her
life—
everything
streamed by in HD. Bigger than a rush! It
scared the living hell out of her, but she made it! It wasn’t
pretty, she didn’t remember anything past the feeling of that first
plunge, but she made it!

Krista was smiling like a fool when she made
her way back out. She got another nod from a guy paddling not far
away. She ducked a wave and kept going, making it back out and
ready to try again. Fleetingly she wished Sean was there sharing it
with her. Sharing that incredible ride.