BUTTERFLIES FLY AWAY (3 page)

“Happy New Year!”

They heard the cheers through the house and kissed
in celebration. 

“You know what Mrs Davies?
Mrs Reynolds-Davies?
 
The answer is YES! Let’s go make a baby!” He made a play of saying
Reynolds-Davies as he always did.  When they agreed to get married Carrie
was adamant in saying she was keeping her maiden name.  After all she had
been Carrie Reynolds all of her life, it was who she was and she was not
changing.  Plus it did have a nice ring to it.   She screamed in
delight as he spun her round and round, making her giddy.

He had finally relented – agreed to try and 2013 was
going to be their year!  Maybe this time next year they would have a
little one with them of their own. 

Crying, laughing, kissing.  That was how her
sister found them a few minutes later and took the picture that she had framed
on her desk.

It captured the best of times and the
beginning of her heartache.

January was quickly followed by February for them
and Rob still couldn’t shift the flu.  He blamed their New Year
celebrations once everyone had left for catching ‘man flu’.  Baby making
not on his agenda.  Carrie had found a website that could predict their
most fertile time to try and conceive.  Her periods thankfully were
regular as clockwork.  She had already put the dates in her diary and was
planning a weekend away for the two of them all in an attempt to boost their
chances of conceiving.  She had discussed this at great length with her
sister asking her opinion as the ‘older’ sister guru on all things baby making.

“Carrie don’t get caught up on it all like I
did.  Just take it easy.  That’s the best advice I can give
you.”  Carrie was not convinced this would help. “Or why don’t you just go
away for a holiday? You know, sun, sea and all the other words beginning with
S!” 

So they cuddled on the sofa, watched TV and made
plans for their future.  Watched a discovery channel program on the
lighthouse’s of New England of all things.  She put the spread sheet aside
and closed her diary.  Tucked it back in her bag along with the entire How
to Guides for getting pregnant, boosting your fertility and baby names book
that she had purchased.  There would be plenty of time for baby making
later.  

It was Spa day and in ‘respecting other guests’ her
mobile was on silent – so she didn’t see the missed calls tally increase to
double figures as it was tucked away in her locker.  Her mum and sister
were with her for a Mother and Daughter day.  They had already worked
their way through facials, hot stone massages and had stopped for a glass of
bubbly planning the activities for the afternoon.  She was close to her
sister Claire despite their five year age gap as Carrie was the surprise baby
to the family.  They had no major disruptions over the years.  By the
time Carrie could officially
borrow
clothes or make up Claire had
already left home so no arguments over that.  Their parents didn’t have
much to referee between the sisters but it wasn’t without incident. 
Claire favoured the athletic build of their father.  Taller than Carrie
but they shared the same dark brown hair of their father.  That’s were
their sibling similarities ended.  Carrie was as curvy as their Mother but
Claire was the opposite.  Whilst Carrie wore her hair long, Claire had a
short bob.  Claire’s hair was glossy and she usually wore it to the side,
sometimes accompanied with a clasp.  Carrie envied her smooth locks as
hers could be wild at times.  They both had their fathers clear grey eyes
the gene pool of their parents split between them.  

The spa had provided afternoon tea and Carrie was
working through the delicate petit fours and other yummy delights they had
offered.  All washed down with their version of ‘champagne’.

“Have things settled with your neighbour?”

Claire was living in a large flat with a husband and
baby they were gradually outgrowing the space.  It was an area close to
the city and university but most of the surrounding properties were converted
into student accommodation.  Great when they were child-free but not so
much now.

“I’ve spoken to the landlord and he says he will
sort it.  I’m not holding out much hope there.   Another weekend
of parties and I will need to call the police. Harry is still teething and I
think the last time I slept through the night was 2009!! … Life before babies
eh!” She took a sip of the bubbly and lay back on the lounger. “Oh this is
bliss”

“Why don’t you move back with your Dad and me? 
We’ve plenty of room and you could look for somewhere else?” 

“Mum, thank you again for the offer, but it’s just not
practical for the three of us to move in.  Something will work out.
 It’s not as if we’re not homeless or anything like that.  Our lease
is up for renewal in a few months.  Anyway if the worse comes to the worse
we could always move in with Carrie and Rob. That would give them a real taster
of having a toddler in the house.”

“Oh Claire Bear” her childhood name for her sister
“Anytime, plenty of room at ours.  Why don’t you and Ryan go away for the
weekend or something and me and Rob will have Harry?” The conversation changed
to the plans for the afternoon’s but before they could agree there was an
interruption.

“Mrs Reynolds-Davies?” 

A feeling of dread swept over Carrie.  The Spa
manager was standing next to two police officers and had escorted them through
the swimming pool reception area to the loungers. Carrie stood up –
automatically tightening the belt on the towelling robe, wrapping the belt over
her fingers until the circulation was sure to stop.

“Yes, that’s me”

She didn’t faint, didn’t scream, and couldn’t even
remember moving but somehow the words they said began to sink in.

“Car crash  ... Fire brigade... fatality ….died
at the scene.. Sorry... sorry... sorry for your loss”

Then a jumble of arms holding her as she fragmented.

“No, no, no” she screamed.  “Not my Rob … he
wouldn’t leave me … he would NEVER leave me”

“I have to go to him  ... I need to see
him  ... Not my Rob not my Rob” She repeated over and over. 

And then she was on the tiled floor, the arms of her
mother rocking her, trying to take away her pain, sobs wracking through her
body.  She had lain on the floor so long that the tile marks were
indenting on her knees and legs.  Her heart was aching as she fractured, a
physical pain ripping through her. 

“Come on luv, let’s get changed” her Mum said and
led her away holding her hand as if she were five years old again and being
with Mum was the safest place to be.  She wasn’t aware that her sister had
been speaking to the police and trying to gain more of an understanding as to
what had happened. 

She stood under the shower washing away the delicate
oils but no matter how hot the water was she still shivered was.  Would
her body ever stop shaking?  What had happened?  It must be wrong,
couldn’t be true.   No not Rob, not Rob.  She would know. 
It had to be a mistake.

When she joined them her Mum had been crying but
quickly wiped her tears away.  Kate Reynolds would not breakdown in front
of her daughter.  She needed to be strong and help her baby. 

“What do we do now? I don’t know what to do? Where
is Rob?”

“Carrie, Dad’s on his way. The police said his
body... I mean Rob... is still at the hospital” Claire had her mobile in hand
and was soon speaking her words muffled as she spoke with her husband the tears
choking her words.

“I can’t breathe  ... I need to get out of
here!”  Carrie could feel panic rising “I  ... I have to go NOW!”

“It’s okay Carrie, it’s okay baby.”  Her Mum
took her by the arm and the walked towards the door.  “Let’s get some
fresh air.”

It would be months before Carrie was ready to talk
through the events of that day. Information pieced together that she had
blotted out at the time.  It had been her coping mechanism to block out
the beginning of her heartache.

Weather conditions that day had been fine; no snow or
ice just a little spring frost.  The frost was the last of a long winter
and the promise that this year just might bring a scorching summer.  The
same promise of good weather that everyone spoke of after another disappointing
summer. 

The worry was always there that with the amount of
travel that Rob did something bad would happen to him.  But she would
worry that he would get mugged in some far flung corner of the world not that
it would be a multi-vehicle pile-up that would take him from her.  The motorway
was closed for hours whilst the debris of the six cars was cleared away and Rob
hadn’t stood a chance.  The lorry had crossed the barrier and it took the
fire service over an hour just to cut Rob free.  The driver of the lorry
had suffered a fatal heart attack and triggered a tragic chain of events. 
But it had been too late.  No chance to speak with him or hold his hand or
promise him everything was going to be okay.  In her mind she had imagined
it over and over again his final moments.  The evening news reported on
the accident, the motorway closed for several hours, the emergency crews that
had attended and a male in his 30’s had died at the scene.  All summed up
in less than twenty seconds.   It didn’t include that her life had ended
with that loss and would never be the same again.

They tried to offer her words of comfort that he
hadn’t felt any pain or been alone but that wasn’t what she wanted to hear.
 They told her that he had died instantly.  She felt guilty for
months afterwards that she had been pampering herself whilst her husband had
been dying.  Couldn’t face going to the hair salon.  She didn’t want
to be made pretty with glossy hair or nails.  It wouldn’t bring him
back.  Nothing would bring him back.  Ever.

Claire didn’t want to go to the morgue.  “I
can’t Carrie, I just can’t” and began to sob.  This time she had an arm of
comfort around her sister. “Mum can you stay with Claire?  Daddy can you
come with me?”

Carrie was 27 years old but she would always be a
Daddy’s girl and at this moment she needed the protective arms of her father to
make this journey.  It was time to see her husband.

The hospital technicians showed her to the viewing
room that they had attempted to make look anything but what it was.
 Artificial flowers on a side table and a duvet over the bed the lights
were dimmed.  But it was the morgue, the room chilled with the air of
antiseptic that stung her nostrils and she still was shivering from earlier her
body in shock.   

“I want to go in myself”

“If you’re sure … I’m right here for you outside.”
Dan’s voice broke struggling to stay strong for his daughter.  He wouldn’t
break down.  She needed him.  She shook her head.

He looked like he was asleep.  It was a phrase
she had heard before on TV and in films.  But it was true.  Only Rob
never slept so still.  Usually his arms and legs were in a tangle after
their nightly struggle over the duvet.  He would win as he slept entwined
in the blanket.  Her husband, her kind, sweet, sexy, funny husband was gone. 
She half expected that he would turn over and mumble in his sleep like he
always did.   The crisp white sheet pulled up to his neck.  She
touched his forehead, brushed the floppy fringe of brown hair away from his
closed eyes.  Those laughing sparkling blue eyes that had entranced her
from the beginning.  When she moved his fringe she noticed on his forehead
was cut and a bruise had formed.  She didn’t want to see any marks or cuts
on his body.  This wasn’t how she wanted to remember him.  It
shouldn’t have surprised her but his body was so cold to her touch.  Icy
cold.

“Oh Rob, how could you leave me?  You promised
you never would, you promised” she fell to her knees and lay her head on his
chest like she had done a million times before.  But there was no
comforting hand to stroke her hair and make her feel like she was there where
she belonged in his arms.

Her tears were falling onto the bedcover and she
didn’t know how long she lay there.

Pleading with God and promising the world to have him
back for just one more moment.  For that chance to hear his voice again
but it was all in vain.  No one heard her pleas. 

She felt the warmth of her father’s arms as he held
her and she sobbed into his shoulder. 

They didn’t prompt her to leave but she couldn’t
have said how long she stayed in the room.  Her father signed for Rob’s
possessions and she held on tightly to the little brown envelope where at home
alone later she emptied the contents onto the dining table.  The screen of
the mobile phone was smashed.  It had survived the week before when she
had it accidently washed with his jeans and she had carefully dried it out but
it would not work now.  She was glad.  Didn’t want to turn the phone
on and see missed call notifications, texts and alerts.  The band of his
wedding ring scuffed from wear and tear rolled round and round on the table
until it fell flat.  She didn’t want to be holding his wedding ring. 
It belonged on his finger like hers did.  She picked up his watch, held it
close and she could still smell him.  The scent of his aftershave embedded
in the leather strap.  The face of the watch smashed and the dial stopped
at 11.35am.  Was that when it happened?