Bursting With Love (9 page)

“Jack?” Savannah touched his shoulders. “Jack, you’re shaking.”

He tried to push past the guilt, but it was too late. His body ached from it.

“You must really miss her.”

Savannah’s voice held so much compassion that he was drawn to it despite the guilt. There was something about Savannah that sliced through the guilt and pulled him through to the light on the other side.
If only I could hold on to that light instead of slipping back into the darkness
.

“I do.”
But it’s the guilt that eats away at me
. As much as he wanted to tell her that Linda died because of him, he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He didn’t ever want to see the disappointment in her eyes.

“Well, I’m sure your family understands that. Have you tried to talk to them?” she asked.

He shook his head. “I realized today that I hadn’t. They tried, but I couldn’t hear their offers of help. I was too angry. Too guilty.” Jack released her hand and crossed his arms, rubbing the scar on his arm again. “Savannah, I told you before that I’m not the right guy for you, and the more I think about it, I’m not sure I’m the right guy for anyone.”

“Why do you keep saying that? Lots of people lose loved ones and go on to have other relationships.”

He heard the hurt in her voice, and the knot in his gut tightened. He didn’t want to hurt her, and seeing the pain in her trusting eyes was killing him.

“I’m not like them. I’ve got too much shit in my head, and every time I look at you, I want something more. I want to have a normal life again. I want to be able to walk down the street without feeling like I wish I could hide, but…” He couldn’t bear for her to know the truth, and when anger forced different words from his mouth to hide the truth, he was incapable of stopping them. “Look, I’m not like you. I don’t even live in my house. I hide in the mountains most of the time. The idea of being in the city with all those eyes on me makes my skin crawl.”

“So…what are you saying?” Savannah took a step backward, as if his words burned.

The words he’d said settled in his mind, and he realized that they hadn’t been hiding the truth at all. They were the truth. He had to deal with his own shit before he could fall any harder for Savannah—or let her fall any harder for him. “This can’t work, okay? It sounds like you have a really close family. You’re a high-powered attorney, and I’m an ex–Special Forces guy turned recluse. I’m not sure I’ll ever get past all the bullshit in my head to be able to move on. No matter how much I want to.”

Savannah narrowed her eyes and crossed her arms. Jack pictured her doing that in a courtroom.

“How do you flip your emotions like that? Are you totally psycho, or is this a ploy?” She stepped closer, so they were only inches apart.

Jack looked away.

“Look at me, Jack. You owe me that.”

He looked down at her with his jaw clenched so tight he thought his teeth might crack. He wanted to kiss her and wipe away the hurtful words he’d said and forget the truth he’d only just realized.
I hide in the mountains. I’m not sure I’ll ever get past all the bullshit in my head to be able to move on. No matter how much I want to.

“I might not know much about what you’re going through, but I know honesty, Jack. I deal with it every day with my clients and the people who sue them. I can smell bullshit a mile away. This doesn’t wreak of bullshit, but I don’t think it’s the whole story, either.”

“I’m not one of your clients, Savannah.”

“No, you’re not, but you’re the man I just fucked. Twice. The man I let touch me in ways I’ve never allowed before, and that’s a hell of a lot more than a client.” Her chest rose and fell with each angry breath.

“Is that all it was? A quick fuck?” He clenched his fists, wishing he knew how to deal with all this shit. “I didn’t force you to do anything.” He groaned. “Damn it, Savannah. Can’t you see how conflicted I am? Can’t you feel it?”

“Yes,” she whispered. “That’s the reason I’m not walking away. I’m conflicted too, Jack. I’m not sure if you’re crazy, or if you’re the person I think—or hope—I see beneath all the anger.”

He felt his nostrils flare and his face heat with anger at being so damned confused. Why couldn’t she just listen to him and heed his warnings? She was so good. He didn’t deserve her.

“Do you want to know why I came here?” she asked.

He nodded once, a curt, angry nod.

“Because for the past two years, I’ve been dating this asshole who cheated on me. Many times over.” She laughed, but Jack recognized the pain in her eyes. “I didn’t even like him, Jack, but for some damn reason, I kept going back for more. I might be an ice queen in the legal realm, but with him? With him I was this weak, stupid girl.” She swiped angrily at a tear as it dripped down her cheek and reached the corner of her mouth. “Then…then I come here trying to rebuild my confidence and prove to myself that I really can be
strong Savannah
once again and that I won’t fall back into the enabler role like I was with him.”

“Savannah.” Jack reached for her, and she swatted his arm away.

“Then I meet you, and you’re this asshole with a chip on his shoulder, but I’m drawn to you like a magnet. And now I find out that I’ve done it again. I’ve latched on to some worthless, angry, insecure mountain man.”

Jack reached for her again as she turned away. “I’m not worthless or insecure.”

She wrenched her arm away. “Fine. Sorry. But this isn’t about you. This is about me. I fell right back into being the enabler in some crazy relationship that can never work. I’m so done with this.” Her lower lip trembled, and tears tumbled down her cheeks.

Jack reached up and brushed the tears away with the pad of his thumb, and just feeling her soft skin reminded him that she didn’t deserve the anger he was pummeling her with.

“Don’t you see?” he said through gritted teeth. Then he took a deep breath and let it out slowly. When he spoke again, he’d reined in his anger. “Before all of this shit happened to me, I was normal. I wasn’t an angry bastard. I wasn’t a fucking mountain man. I was a loving husband and a hardworking man.”

“Too bad you can’t live in the past, Jack.”

Her icy stare nearly bowled him over. “Savannah, I want this. Us. I want to see what’s there. I just don’t know how to get from here to there.”

Savannah threw her shoulders back, as she had the first day he’d met her, when she’d stood up for Pratt right after they’d landed. “I want this too. But I can’t be that woman anymore. I can’t fix you, and I can’t be your battering block while you figure it out.” She turned and began walking back toward the camp.

“Savannah,” he called after her. Five long, fast strides later, he was beside her and walking fast to keep up with her determined pace. “Savannah, tomorrow’s our last day here. Please don’t leave things like this. I’m sorry. I tried to warn you and I tried to stay away from you, but I couldn’t, and I don’t know why. Damn it, Savannah. I’m sorry for that. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

She turned to face him with tears streaming down her cheeks. “Too late.”

MONDAY MORNING, SAVANNAH lay in her tent with puffy eyes, nursing her broken heart. She’d cried for most of the night and had beaten herself up over how much she already cared for Jack. What she felt couldn’t be real—it had to be an emotional reaction from the combination of being hurt by Connor and then allowing herself to fall for Jack. No one felt that strongly about another person after just a few days. Maybe she needed to talk to Danica, her cousin Blake’s wife. Danica had been a therapist prior to falling in love with Blake, who had been a new client at the time. Maybe she could help Savannah weed through whatever was making her fall for the wrong guys.

Savannah couldn’t even look at Jack as they disassembled their tents and inspected the campsite to ensure that they’d left nothing behind. She was too pissed at herself. She had seen the warning signs, had even contemplated them, and she still let herself get caught up with him.

“Is everyone about ready?” Jack called across the site.

Hearing Jack’s voice sound deflated, as if he were having a hard time making it through the morning too, tugged at her heart.

He continued. “As soon as Pratt and Lou are back, we’ll roll out of here.” Lou and Pratt had gone down by the stream to rinse out the pots from breakfast.

Jack picked up the sticks from their makeshift shelter—the one Savannah had fantasized about sharing with him—and carried them into the woods. She forced herself not to look at him. She didn’t want to see his midnight-blue eyes or the stubble on his cheeks that felt so good beneath her palms. Instead, she grabbed her bags and took one last look around the campsite that she knew she’d never forget. She’d opened her heart to Jack in ways she never had before, and she got hurt. As angry as that made her, it made her stronger, which was what she’d come to the mountains for in the first place.
At least it wasn’t a failure
.

“Aiden?” Elizabeth called into the woods. “Aiden?”

Savannah scanned the empty site. Her heart leaped into her throat.
Aiden!
She saw panic in Elizabeth’s eyes and went to her. “When did you last see him?”

Josie took off running toward the stream and called over her shoulder, “I’ll go see if he’s with Pratt and Lou.”

“I don’t know.” Elizabeth’s voice trembled. “Twenty minutes? I was busy packing.”

Savannah ran to Jack, hating that the angry mask he’d worn when they’d arrived had settled back on his beautiful face. “Aiden’s missing.”

Jack’s eyes did a fast sweep of the site, then the perimeter. “Elizabeth, how long ago did you see him?”

Elizabeth was circling the site, calling Aiden’s name.

“She said about twenty minutes ago,” Savannah answered. “I’m going to look for him.”

“No. You stay here. I’ll go,” he said. “He’s probably down by the stream with his father.”

“If he’s not, then I’m going. I’m not gonna sit here while that little boy is out there alone.” She lowered her voice. “Remember the bobcat?”

Jack gripped her shoulders. “You’re not going in the woods alone. I’m not losing you, too.”

Lou and Pratt sprinted past Josie into the camp. Josie’s voice came over the crest of the hill, out of breath and unable to hide the fear in her eyes. “He’s not at the stream!”

Elizabeth’s face was beet-red as she screamed Aiden’s name.

“Where’s Aiden?” Lou yelled. He grabbed Elizabeth.

“I don’t…know. He was right here, and then…” Elizabeth cried.

“Where’s his survivor bag?” Jack’s eyes searched the site. “Elizabeth. Do you have his bag?”

She shook her head.

“I’m going to find him,” Lou said, moving toward the hill.

“Hold up.” Jack looked at Pratt. “Pratt, go with him. Leave a trail on the trees like I showed you so you can find your way back. Do not separate. You two go east. I’ll go west.”

“Josie, you stay with Elizabeth and do not let her leave this site. You hear me? If anyone finds him, you yell as loud as you can and bring him back here to the camp. If he shows up, you don’t let him leave. No matter what. We meet back here in”—he checked the time on his watch—“thirty minutes. Everyone. Right here. Elizabeth, we’ll find him. He can’t have gone far, and since he took his bag, he’s probably nearby playing survivor man.”

“I’ll go that way.” Savannah pointed to her left.

“Savannah.” Jack’s chest swelled as he pulled himself to his full height.

“I’m perfectly capable of searching for him, and I’m not going to be told what to do by you or anyone else. There’s a little boy out there, and he needs as many eyes looking for him as possible.” She set her jaw and met his stare. She was not going to be waylaid.

“Then you come with me.” He grabbed her arm, surveying the woods. Then he dragged her ten feet to their left and, still holding her arm, stalked into the woods. “I don’t know why you have to be so stubborn.”

“You can let go of my arm now,” she said. “How are we going to find him?”

“We’re going to do what I taught you on the hike. Look for recent signs—freshly broken twigs, footprints.” He stopped walking and cast a hard, hot stare at her, then released her arm.

“What was that look for?”
And why did it make me want you all over again?

“Goddamn it, Savannah. How can I concentrate on anything with you around? I’m a mess. Can you see that? Hell, I hear it in my own voice.” He moved farther into the forest and hollered Aiden’s name, then faced her again.

“Don’t you get it? I have never wanted to change for anyone before, and you make me want to change. I know I’m fucked up. I never claimed I wasn’t. But you make me want to have a life again.”

Empathy swept through her. “A life, or your old life?” she asked softly. She scanned the ground with every step as they walked deeper into the forest.

Jack stopped again. “Is that what you think? That I want to replace my old life? That you’re somehow like Linda? You’re nothing like her. She was quiet, meek, petite, blond. She’d never argue over anything. I don’t think we raised our voices more than twice in ten years.” He moved a lock of hair from her shoulder. “What I had was love and a normal life. That’s what I meant. I miss those things, and you make me want them again.” He turned and resumed the search.

She was at a loss for words, confused. Did he mean he did want a relationship with her? Silence stretched between them until she finally said, “We should call for Aiden.”

They both called his name, and Jack continued talking as they moved farther up the mountain.

“I thought I was happy before, completely fulfilled, and I was. Then. But when I’m with you—and the night we spent in each other’s arms—it made me realize that there was more to me than I ever knew or understood, and you brought those other parts to life.”

Jack called out in a deep voice, “Aiden!” Then he turned to her again. “It’s you, Savannah. I want to change because of you. You opened my eyes.” He turned to the other direction and hollered Aiden’s name before turning back to her again. “I don’t expect you to wait for me or stand by me or any of that. What you said makes sense. You’re the last woman on earth I want to hurt, and you don’t deserve my crazy mood swings. I’m going to try to finally deal with my own shit, and if I can find my footing again, and if you’re interested, we’ll go from there.” He shrugged. “All I can do is my best. And if I can’t do it, well, then what have I lost?”

A lump formed in Savannah’s throat. “Damn it, Jack.” She turned away before he could see her eyes fill with tears. Out of the corner of her eye, she caught a flash of a bunch of sticks leaning against a tree.

“Jack,” she whispered. “Look.”

Jack followed her eyes to the base of a large tree, where he saw the tips of sticks leaning vertically against the tree. Most of the trunk was hidden behind a large bush. They approached the tree, and both let out a sigh of relief when the makeshift shelter came into view. Jack crouched down and peered inside.

“Thank you, Lord,” Jack said as he reached into the shelter and lifted Aiden into his arms. “Hey, buddy, that’s quite a shelter.”

Aiden blinked several times, like he was coming out of a foggy dream. “Jack! I survived the woods, just like you.”

Jack pressed him to his body. His right hand covered the back of Aiden’s head. “You sure did, little buddy. We were worried about you. Did you forget the rule about never going into the woods alone?”

Aiden looked at Savannah. “No.”

“Then why did you?” Jack asked.

“Because I knew Mom couldn’t go ’cause she had to pack, and Dad was at the stream. I just wanted to survive the woods,” Aiden explained.

“Aiden, look at me.”

Aiden shifted his big blue eyes to Jack.

“I’m proud of you for remembering what to do, but the woods are dangerous. There are bears and bobcats and all sorts of nasty things out here. You have to promise me never to go into the woods again no matter what you want to prove. Promise?”

Savannah felt tears fill her eyes at the joy of finding Aiden and the tenderness that Jack showed toward him.

“I promise. I’m sorry,” Aiden said.

“We’re getting ready to go on the plane, so now we have to leave the woods.”

Aiden wiggled out of his arms. “Okay. Let me get my stuff.” He climbed back into the shelter. When he returned, he had a handful of rope and put it in Jack’s hand. “I made slip knots just like you showed me.”

Jack picked Aiden up and hugged him tight. “I was worried about you,” he said. He reached a hand out and touched Savannah’s cheek. “Aiden, let’s make a promise.”

“A promise?”

“Yes, a promise. Let’s promise not to hide in the woods anymore. Both of us. I promise if you promise.”

Savannah could barely breathe. In one breath, he made her angry, and in the next, he filled her heart with hope. That couldn’t be a healthy combination, but damned if she wasn’t drawn to him in ways she knew would taunt her days and haunt her nights.