Burnt Devotion (11 page)

And it would keep her safe.

It was all that I had wanted, and it had done anything but.

“When I made this, I had no idea who you really were,” I whispered, unsure if I was talking to her or to myself. Perhaps it was both. “I wanted you to have it forever because I knew I would never see you again. I was going to run away and try to disappear. Anything to keep myself from what Edmund had planned for me. My father had been training me for years to hunt Ilyan. I wasn’t even going to school.”
You were working for me.
“He was going to send Cail and me on a kamikaze trip to kill my brother.”
I already have, you know; he’s right there. And you are going to kill him for me.
“I guess, in some ways, that still happened. And then, when I found your kiss, and I knew I could use you against my dad”—
Don’t use her! Kill her! Do it now!
—“to make him hurt the way he had made me hurt. Hurt. Hurt.”

I retold the story to her, desperate for her to know. To hear.

However, the more I talked, the more my mind shattered, the barrier breaking away until it was little more than rice paper. The voice sparked in and out of my mind as quickly as if they were nothing more than a scratched movie disk. I jerked at each outburst, my spine seizing in anxious tension as they grew, as they took over.

I knew that Sain was speaking next to me—I could hear the rumble of his voice—but I couldn’t focus beyond the voice. I couldn’t focus enough to stop myself from banging my head against door that I leaned against.

“Hurt. Hurt. Hurt,” I mumbled, the word on repeat as the voice grew.

“Ryland,” Sain’s voice grew in volume as the voice in my head did, the sound reverberating through my skull enough that I could pull myself away.

I turned and looked at him, and the voice suddenly didn’t seem to matter as much.

“Hurt.” The word was more of a moan as the last one seeped out of me, low and slow like a tire with a leak.

“I know, son,” Sain said, his eyes hooded and sad. “I know. But I need you to focus right now.”

“I don’t know if I can.” I could barely get the words out.

I know you can’t.

I don’t want you to.

“Fight it, Ryland. I am right here with you.” I stared at him as the voice battled back and forth inside of me, the intensity growing.

“Hurt.” I hadn’t meant to say that, but the word came out, anyway.

“Focus, son. If you can get through this, I know you will find a piece of your sanity that you had thought you lost. You will regain a piece of yourself that your father hasn’t been able to touch.” His voice was deep with the sound of the Drak, the heavy reverberation seeping through my bones.

It was the sound of what I knew to be sight, and it pulled me out of my insanity enough to focus.

“Once you have this piece, you will have the strength you need to get the next. You will take your soul back, my son.”

His voice lulled to nothing. The waver of the sconces that flickered around us shimmered against the grey stone and him until he was cast in lengths of shadow that stretched over his face like a sheet of hair.

The depth of his sight rippled through me, and my strength grew as I looked at the stone that stood suspended from the fine chain that was clenched in my fist.

My heart.

He was right.

I hadn’t realized it until that very moment, but inside of this diamond was not only a piece of my heart, but a piece that had not been infected with the torture of my father.

It hadn’t been destroyed.

“Will you keep the necklace, Jos?” I asked, my voice shaking as I tried to keep the voice at bay, as I tried to focus beyond it and get this final request out before it was too late.

She doesn’t want the necklace. Didn’t you hear?

“I can’t…” she began, but I couldn’t let her finish. I didn’t think I could stand to hear her rejection or have that pain return.

“No, not my heart. Just the necklace. A promise that maybe we can try to be friends again.” My voice caught as I tried to make her understand, to make her see why I needed this. It was important to me.

It wasn’t for what it had once meant. It was for what I hoped it could now mean.

“Of course.”

I barely heard her voice through the door, the whisper of assentation not quite enough to grant me the acceptance I was looking for, but enough that I knew she would at least uphold her side of the bargain.

It was enough.

The large stone spun through the air as I held it in front of me, the firelight refracting off the millions of facets and covering the hallway with dozens of tiny specs of the deepest red. To anyone else, they would be nothing more than the glint of the diamond.

My heart beat faster with the knowledge of what they really were, what was about to happen, and what was about to be returned to me.

“You can do it, son.” Sain’s voice was a deep root of confidence that embedded into my soul.

You are a fool. Stop playing games. Kill her now.

Shut up, Father.

“I know,” I whispered in a voice low with desperation. “I don’t know what’s going to happen when I do this, Sain. If I…” I couldn’t even bring myself to finish the sentence.

I ripped my focus from the necklace to the old man beside me. His eyes were wide and welcoming as he nodded his head once.

Even without the explanation, he knew the dangers. For all we both knew, the transition might destroy me.

Except, he knew otherwise. I could tell from the look in his eyes. The sight meant more to him than I could ever understand.

I stared at him as the frantic pace of my heart beat slowed, the necklace lowering into my palm in a surge of magic and pain that ignited through me at the touch of the stone against my flesh.

It rippled over me in heat and agony, as if it was threatening something I didn’t quite understand. Something I didn’t want to know.

I didn’t wait. I pressed my palm against my chest. With the hard nob of the gem a painful pressure against my chest, the heat only grew.

Then my chest opened up in a pain so deep it was ripping me in two, my chest opening as the tiny shard of myself was returned to its rightful place.

I fought the need to scream. Instead, I let out a deep grunt that moved over the halls that echoed in my ears alongside the deep, mournful laugh of my father and the sharpened gasp of worry from Sain.

It had hurt so much more when I had removed the piece of my heart and placed it inside the necklace. When I had done that, I had gone to the forest where I had always taken Joclyn, gotten drunk enough I couldn’t feel anything, and then cried for hours until I had finally passed out.

This was pain, but it was the pain of recovered love, the piece of my heart moving right back to where it belonged.

As quickly as the pain had come, it left, my breath heaving as it faded to nothing more than the dull throb of a deep tissue bruise. My hand fell away to reveal only the diamond lying in my hand. The cold surface was slick with my own blood, the gleam staring at me.

“It looks just like your eyes,” I said the words aloud, feeling the bind Ilyan had put on my mind slipping away and taking with it the clarity that had been so treasured. I knew I needed to get the words out now before it was too late. Before I wanted to kill her again.

“Wear it always.” It was a gasp in my throat.

Sain’s hand curled around my arm, his grip tight as he lifted me to standing, guiding me down the hall.

I leaned against him as we moved, feeling Ilyan’s bind slip off my mind, the last thin shield he had provided me with fading into nothing.

I cringed as the voice returned, and the sharp claws of my father dug back into my soul.

I expected it. I expected the madness. I expected the anger and the hatred.

But, for whatever reason, it didn’t come back, not as it was. It would never be like that again.

I wasn’t free, not yet, not even close.

However, Sain was right; it was a stepping stone, a brief reprieve and bolster for what was coming. I had recovered enough of myself that, while the road before me was nowhere near the simple path I would hope, it was a bit clearer.

The footing a bit more sure.

With this one piece of my heart, I would take back not only the blade, but my soul, as well.

Just as Sain had said.

I could hear her laugh echo around me, the child like joy that had driven me mad so many years before, driven me to the point that I had willingly sacrificed my memories. I had sacrificed who I was to find an escape from that laugh, from the light-hearted joy that brought tears to my eyes.

Now, I was trapped with it.

Trapped in the stone hallways of a castle that had once been so treasured, trapped in the dream—the Tȍuha that I had shared with my mate for so long. It was no longer a Tȍuha, though. Now, it was only a nightmare.

Each night since Joclyn had healed me, since Talon had died, my dreams dragged me to this prison, to this empty shell of what once was. For days, I had been haunted by the childlike joy that tugged at my heart with painful barbs.

I almost wished I could have my old dreams back. Even though I had been forced to watch my daughter die every night, it had been almost easier to accept not knowing who she was. Now I knew, which made the pain that much more fresh.

This must be what purgatory felt like.

The laugh came again, more haunted than joyful as it bounced around the enclosed hallway of the dream in a ripple that met my ears and tensed down my spine. I froze in place as it moved over me, my heart racing with need for only a moment before I ran in desperation to escape the sound along with the memories of the daughter I so desired.

I ran until the only sound was the slap of my sneakers against the stone, the rhythmic thuds dull in my ears.

Chest heaving, I began to slow my pace, each breath burning through me as I forced it past my tense muscles. Past the painful vice that wound its way through my chest.

I hated the fear, hated that the once treasured place was now filled with anxiety of when the next laugh would come and if the little girl I both cherished and feared would be standing around the next corner. If she would be smiling, if she would be screaming.

Since Edmund had forced us to watch our daughter’s torture, witness her blood trailing down her arms, down her face, I hadn’t been able to escape it. Even after my memories were bound, it had continued to haunt me as I slept.

It was that image I saw when I thought of Rosaline, not of the smiling girl dancing through wildflowers and making jokes about crickets with top hats. It was the blood. What was worse, the horrific possibility of coming face to face with that imagery once again was too much for me.

My fingers ran over the cool stone as the air surrounding me cooled. Wind moved over me as though someone had turned on the air conditioner, the sudden change increasing the depth of the dream, making my breath catch.

Windows that had normally streamed ribbons of sunlight within the Tȍuha hung dull and dank, and a sheath of grey clouds covered the sky and left me wandering through the dim light of the burning sconces. It was as though the once shared mind knew someone was missing and was mourning it. Even the Tȍuha knew what had changed.

The laugh came again, so distanced it sounded like wind moving through the trees, so broken I wasn’t sure it was the laugh to begin with. I tensed, anyway, my muscles tightening painfully as my heart thundered against my chest, the chilled wind running through my hair.

I exhaled shakily, trying to release the fear and tension from my already pained body, and began to walk down the new hallway, only to freeze with the tap of my converse against the stone floor.

“Wynifred?”

It was Talon’s voice. I was sure of it. His deep gruff was so familiar, yet there was still an undertone of joy, like he was always ready to laugh at the world.

“Wynifred?” It came again.

I spun to face it on instinct, the sound of rubber soles against stone loud in my ears.

I had thought the Tȍuha was empty, that he had left me. Could I possibly be wrong?

I needed to find him

The tap of my sneakers was loud as I cautiously moved toward the sound, waiting for it to come again, rejoicing when it did.

“Wynny?” It was louder, more joyous.

And I ran.

I didn’t question it. I didn’t wonder if I was only following the voice into a nightmare, if my darling girl would be there. I simply ran, my heaving breaths mixing with tears I hadn’t realized I had been shedding, the chilled air flying past me as I fled from the laugh.

“Wynifred?”

I turned another corner and froze, the stone hallways dissolving to smoke and light as the Tȍuha mutated into the familiar courtyard, into the open space I had spent so much time in. The space I had chosen to live in.

It was as cloudy here as it had been inside the hallways. The normally warm sun was shrouded by the grey clouds that hung low above us, as though they would drop down and enclose us in their damp chill. The bricks seemed lifeless, and the trees sagged under a sadness I didn’t understand. It made no sense, for standing right in the middle of all of it, looking as well and joyous as I had always known him, was Talon with his face spread into the widest grin I had ever seen him have.