Burning Shadows (50 page)

She has not told me how she plans to achieve the True Death, but assures me that she will be gone before the year is quite out. Were I younger than I am, I would try to persuade her to give this new state some time, but as she says her intimate encounters have become worse, not better, in the last four years, and that the more she fuses her desire with others, the more she feels the loss of herself, a slipping of her own distinguishability that has brought her despair and loneliness, which is agony to her. What am I to do, in the face of her suffering? She and I have touched; her despondency is immediate to me, and undeniable, and I will miss her as I would an arm. I know I cannot compel her to live our life in wretchedness, nor would I want to if it were in my power. But the thought of her loss transfixes me with sorrow as much as the loss of Hadrianus sank you into grief, not quite a century ago: his True Death was not of his choosing, but your mourning was not lessened because he was beheaded by the order of Shapur II rather than through his own volition.

Nicoris has told me that she wishes to return to her native earth, near Serdica, where her father was garrisoned with other Hunnic mercenaries, and where she and her brothers and sisters were born. Her mother and father are dead and she has no knowledge of what became of the rest of her family, yet she feels the pull of her native earth as all of us do who come to this life, and it is her desire to Truly Die there. Rogerian, or if you prefer, Rugierus has offered to escort her home, for there is a great deal of fighting between this city and Serdica, and a woman alone is at great risk. So far, Nicoris has declined his generous tender of service, and has flatly told me 
that she does not want to have to refuse a similar proposal from me,
so prefers that I not make one, sparing us both the mortification of
her declination.

In spite of Huns and their relentless forays through Greek,
Gothic, Eastern and Western Roman territories, I find that I, too, long
for my native earth. Rogerian and I will sell my house in Constantinople and hire an escort to get us across the Danuvius, then we will
continue on our own into that part of the mountains beyond the
forests, and to the region my father ruled so long ago.

Your invitation to join you and Niklos Aulirios in Arae Flaviae, or
any of your other estates, is truly magnanimous of you, and were
things otherwise, I would accept with grateful alacrity, but for now, I
believe I must withdraw for a time, to reconcile myself to the loss of
Nicoris, and to resign myself to the calamitous turn that has blighted
the world around us. Whatever good I may gain from my seclusion,
know that your compassion will be a large factor in it, and your ongoing undead life will bring me consolation. You may rest assured that
wherever I go, you will learn of it as quickly as my couriers can find
you. And until that time when we once again see each other, remember that my love continues and deepens.

Ragoczy
Sanct’
Germain Franciscus
 

         (his sigil, the eclipse)

by my own hand on the Ides of September in the 449
^t
h
Christian
year.