Bumageddon: The Final Pongflict (21 page)

Blob-boy
Insulting term used to describe young
bum-fighters
who have been found fossilised inside fossilised
giant brown blobs.

Book of Bumageddon, The
Ancient text that contains a prophecy of
Bumageddon:
‘And enormous bums will conquer the world and complete and utter devarsetation will follow.
Giant brown blobs
will rain down upon the earth for forty days and forty nights. An evil stench will cover the land. And the reign of the
Great White Bums
will begin. Bums will rule the world again as they did in their glorious prehistoric past.'

BPS
Short for bum positioning system. A means of determining geographical location by means of one's bum.

Brown Forest, The
Formerly known as the Black Forest, this once healthy and thriving forest is now dead and brown and full of
stinkbogs
due to the presence of the Great Unwiped Bum,
Stenchgantor.
Avoid.

Brown holes
Very similar to black holes except brown. They are formed when vast interstellar bums run out of gas and collapse under the power of their own repulsive stench, which reverses itself and endows the newly formed brown holes with the power to suck anything and everything into themselves. Nobody knows what happens to matter sucked into a brown hole, but there is a strong possibility that the forces inside a brown hole are strong enough to form wormholes in the fabric of the
univarse
—wormholes powerful enough to allow vast interstellar distances to be travelled in the blink of an eye or even, perhaps, to permit time travel.

Brown Lake, The
Waste usually found at the bottom chamber of a
bumcano
. Avoid.

B-team, The
A crack bum-fighting unit made up of
the Kicker, the Kisser and the Smacker.

Bum
The two fleshy mounds above the legs and below the hollow of the back. Detachable, with a will of their own. May emit gas. See
fart.

Bumageddon
Destruction of the world by bums. Avoid. See
Book of Bumageddon, The.

Bumageddonised
To be destroyed by
Bumageddon.

Bumantula
A large prehistoric bum with hairy cheeks, big sharp fangs and eight legs. Likes to build webs across ravines and catch
bumodactyls and unwary bum-fighters.
Avoid.

Bum attack
Physical assault, either by ground, sea or air by one—or more—bums. Avoid.

Bumbliteration
Result of particularly devastating
bum attack.
Avoid.

Bumcam
Tiny camera fitted on a bum. Can provide 180 degrees of vision. May be linked to other bumcams around the Earth via satellite to provide a comprehensive bum's-eye view of the world.

Bumcano
An extinct volcano colonised by bums and filled with lethal amounts of methane. Avoid.

Bum creeper
Rampant creeping plant notable for noxious-smelling flowers. Avoid.

Bum-fighter
Any individual engaged in bum-resistance, in either a paid or voluntary capacity.

Bum-fighters' Army pocket knife
A pocket knife with many additional items that fold into its handle, e.g. bum-screw, bum-file and bum-opener.

Bum-fighter's certificate
The minimum qualification required to become a professional
bum-fighter.
Involves a basic grounding in all aspects of attack, defence and hygiene.

Bum-fighting recruits
Promising young members of the
Junior Bum-fighters' League
who have been selected for a place at
Silas Sterne's Bum-fighting Academy.

Bum-fighting simulator
Virtual-reality machine invented by
Silas Sterne
to simulate a wide range of bum-fighting environments and challenges, used for training rookie
bum-fighters.
The simulator is so powerful that the users forget they are in a simulated environment and actually believe that they are fighting bums.

Bum-gun
All purpose, anti-bum weapon. Fires a wide variety of ammunition, including drawing pins, staples and rusty nails.

Bumhalla
A glorious place in the sky where great
bum-fighters
and
bum hunters
go after they die.

Bum hunter
A bum-warrior who has given up regular bum-fighting in order to concentrate his or her energies on hunting big game bums. This occupation is so fraught with danger that only a few of the bravest, most talented and smartest bum hunters survive.

Bum-mobile
Multi-purpose all-terrain bum-fighting vehicle. May have time travel capability.

Bumnuts
The fruit of
bumnut trees.
These are similar to coconuts except the shells are soft and consist of two main chambers rather than one. Bumnuts are edible, but taste like burnt toast.

Bumnut trees
Very similar to coconut trees, with a tuft of branches sticking out of a long slender trunk.
Bumnuts,
which look like bums, grow in small bunches on the branches.

Bumodactyl
Extinct flying bum of the Jurarssic and Cretaceous periods. Has membranous, leathery cheek-wings and a rudimentary but razor-sharp beak. Avoid.

Bumolution
Theory that bums were the first forms of life on Earth and that all subsequent life forms developed from them. See
Sir Roger Francis Rectum.

Bumosaur
Extinct bums that ruled the Earth for hundreds of millions of years until the impact of a
giant arseteroid
rendered the Earth unsuitable for the continuation of the species. See
bumantula, bumodactyl, Great White Bumosaur, poopasaur, Stink Kong, tricerabutt, tyrannosore-arse.

Bumquake
Just like an earthquake, only wobblier. And smellier. Avoid.

Bum-to-bum resuscitation
A method that bums use to revive each other.

Captain Sterne's Fishing Supplies
A comprehensive one-stop fishing supplies shop in
Marbleton.
Fresh bait every day.

Catastrophic time travel error
Going back into the past and altering something that changes things in such a way that it decreases or eliminates the chance of you being born in the future. Or destroys the world. Avoid.

Crack of Doom, The
Formed by a dramatic fissure in the earth. Breeding ground of the
Great White Bumosaurs.

Crapalanche
Just like an avalanche except crappier. And browner. And smellier. Avoid.

Destiny
Another word for
fate.

Dirty doublecrossing stinkant-bum-kissing loser with no friends
A very nasty thing to say to somebody . . . even if they
are
a dirty doublecrossing stinkant-bum-kissing loser with no friends.

Double-handed atomic power punch
A powerful two-fisted punch delivered to a bum, or bums. See
atomic power punch.

Double-handed cheek-lock
Particularly brutal and effective bum-wrestling hold.

Eleanor Sterne
Ferocious
bum-fighter,
dedicated to destroying the
Great White Bum
after it killed her mother in a surprise attack on a family picnic when Eleanor was only five. Daughter of legendary
bum hunter, Silas Sterne.

E-mission
Task or project undertaken by a
bum-fighter.
Not to be confused with ‘emission', which is something else entirely (see
fart
).

Ex-Mutant Spew Lord
Mutant Spew Lord
that has been sucked into a
vacuum cleaner
and converted to a thin, watery puddle of blood and rotting flesh in the process.

False bum
Silicon-based imitation bum. May be
self-wiping.

Fart
A small explosion between the legs. The exact size, duration and intensity of the explosion, however, will vary depending on various factors including age, weight and diet of the individual. Highly flammable. Avoid.

Fate
Another word for
accident.

Final Pongflict, The
The ultimate showdown between bums and humans in the battle for
world bumination.
See
Bumageddon, pongflict.

Flicker, The
Legendary
bum-fighter
highly skilled in the art of towel-to-bum combat. Member of the world's first bum-fighting team,
Mabel's Angels.

Forker, The
Legendary
bum-fighter
highly skilled in the art of fork-to-bum combat. Member of the world's first bum-fighting team,
Mabel's Angels.

Future present
The present moment that you will experience in a future moment. See
past future present, past present, present, present present.

Giant arseteroid
Super-big
arseteroid
thought responsible for ending the reign of the
Great White Bumosaurs
65 million years ago.

Giant brown blob
Gigantic, brown and blob-like. Avoid.

Giant-brown-blobbification
To be completely engulfed by a
giant brown blob.
To be avoided at all costs. See
Blob-boy.

Giant mutant blowfly
Adult form of
giant mutant maggot.
Avoid.

Giant mutant maggot
Larval form of
giant mutant blowfly.
Avoid.

Giant mutant zombie blowfly
Adult form of
giant mutant zombie maggot.
Virtually indestructible. Avoid.

Giant mutant zombie maggot
Zombie-bummified giant mutant maggot.
Avoid.

Great Unwiped Bum, The
See
Stenchgantor.

Great White Bum, The
A rogue bum regarded by many as the most evil bum in the
univarse.
There are many theories about its origins. Some believe it to be a mutant bum created as a side effect of nuclear testing in the Pacific. Eric Von Dunnycan, in his book ‘Chariots of the Bums', claimed that the Great White Bum was a space traveller who arrived on Earth thousands of years ago. Others believe the Great White Bum has been around for even longer and that it dates back 650 million years to the Pre-Cambrian period. Avoid.

Great White Bumosaur
The largest and most obnoxious of all the
bumosaurs.
Probably the first land-dwelling bums to emerge from
the Sea of Bums.
Avoid.

Great Windy Desert, The
A blisteringly hot, terrifying wilderness devoid of all life except for
needleweeds, stinkants and Ned Smelly.

Henry
Zack Freeman's
middle name.

Hokey Pokey
A really stupid dance, but quite good for amusing small children. Also good for sending
zombie bums
into a mysterious trance that enables you to pretty much lead them anywhere. Avoid unless you are a small child—or a parent desperately trying to amuse a small child—or your town is about to be overrun by zombie bums.

Holy buttrimony
A state of wedded bliss between two bums.

James and Judi Freeman
Zack Freeman'
s parents. Top-secret interplanetary
bum-fighters
who work undercover as musicians in the wind section of an orchestra.

Junior Bum-fighters' League
An organisation dedicated to the early identification of young people with bum-fighting potential. Offers bum-fighting clinics, training camps, a national bum-fighting competition and guest speakers. Contact the organisation in your nearest capital city.

Kicker, The
Legendary
bum-fighter
highly skilled in the art of foot-to-bum combat. Member of the famous
B-team.

Kisser, The
Exceptionally charming
bum-fighter
highly skilled in the art of lip-to-bum combat. Less inclined to physical violence than the other members of the
B-team,
the Kisser was no less effective a bum-fighter, however,
thanks to his formidable charm and lethal ‘kiss of death'. Bumnapped and brainwashed by bums, he became a secret bum sympathiser and not only sabotaged the B-team's bum-fighting
E-missions,
but ultimately attempted to kill its members. See
Mutant Maggot Lord, The.

Mabel Freeman
Zack Freeman's
grandmother. AKA
the Pincher.

Mabel's Angels
The world's first bum-fighting team, consisting of
the Flicker, the Forker
and, founding member,
Mabel Freeman, the Pincher.

Mabeltown
Large country town named in honour of
Mabel Freeman
in recognition of her efforts as the founding member of
Mabel's Angels,
credited with inventing modern bum-fighting.

Maggotorium
Enormous underground chamber. The cold, dark and moist environment provides ideal conditions for maggots, Maggot Lords,
giant mutant maggots, Mutant Maggot Lords
and a range of other lowdown scum-sucking parasites. Avoid.

Marbleton
Large country town named in honour of its annual marble-playing festival. The town is credited with the invention of modern marble-playing.

Maurice
Toadying servant of
the Prince.

Methane madness
Delirium caused by exposure to high levels of methane. May cause hallucinations, visions, aggression, sudden mood swings, headaches and vomiting. Can be relieved with pure oxygen.

Mittens
Mabel Freeman's
cat.

Moby Dick
Fictional Great White Whale from the famous nineteenth-century novel of the same name by Herman Melville. See
Great White Bum, The.

Mutant Maggot Lord, The
An exceptionally charming ex-human being (AKA
the Kisser
) who, despite having his physical form mutated beyond recognition as a result of prolonged exposure to the extreme toxicity of a
brown lake
inside a
bumcano,
and then being eaten by
giant mutant zombie maggots
and regurgitated by
giant mutant zombie blowflies
and piecing himself together again, retains his persuasive powers.

Mutant Mutant Zombie Blowfly Spew Lord, The
See
Mutant Maggot Lord, The.