Bullet (48 page)

As we made preparations and got excited, Ethan once again grew distant.  He was stoned more often than he was not, and—even though I didn’t catch him in the act—I was starting to suspect he was sleeping around on me again.  Until I could prove it, though, or I was convinced beyond all doubt, I wanted to trust him.

Honestly, when he’d told me
after leaving his father’s house that I made him a better man, I felt almost obligated…that Ethan would deteriorate into a shit of a human being if I didn’t stick by his side.

At our last Denver concert before hitting the road, I caught Ethan doing what he called
Special K
with a girl in the van.  I would have sworn the girl was still in high school, but Brad chased her off before I could grill her for information.  And Ethan just got that stupid ass puppy dog look on his face.  He swore they didn’t do anything, but I wondered where it would have gone if the rest of us hadn’t arrived, ready to leave.

I was also pretty sure Brad was seeing somebody, but—in typical Brad fashion—it was something he didn’t talk about and definitely something he didn’t flaunt.

The three bands had a meeting at Village Inn the night before we left.  It was kind of weird seeing Clayton in daylight.  He was still good looking; don’t get me wrong.  It just made me realize that a lot of these guys I’d only seen at night with spotlights flooding down on them.  And now we were going to spend a little over two weeks together.

Clayton sat across the table from me and just smiled.  He’d said, “Hey, Val,” earlier but didn’t say anything else.  Ethan sat next to me and draped his arm over the back of the chair, but
I felt like he was doing it out of habit, not because he felt loving.  Clayton kept his distance, though, and it was probably a good thing, because Ethan was sober for the first time in a month.

I caught him smiling at me once or twice, though.

And then I knew Ethan was being possessive when all three bands stood outside in the parking lot, chatting, reluctant to say goodbye, and Ethan decided to slam me up against the van for a pretty raucous PDA.  It wasn’t like we’d been talking about anything sexually arousing.  But no…he was playing alpha and challenging anyone who dared.  And I would have been okay with it if that had meant he was going to stay faithful to me.  But I should have known Ethan just couldn’t rein himself in.  Not before and certainly not on our mini tour.  But I had yet to find that out.

Chapter Twenty-nine

IT WASN’T FORTY-EIGHT hours on tour that I was convinced Ethan was sleeping around.  No, I still had no solid proof, but he hadn’t slept with me in a week, high or not, and when we’d finished our first show, he disappeared for several hours and showed up at our room long after I’d gone to sleep.  Yeah, we were sharing a motel room, but I don’t know why.  I didn’t anticipate our making love anytime in the near future, not at the rate things were going.  And talk to him?  He’d have none of it.  It was always, “Not now, Val.”

The next day we were on the road to the next town
, and we played that night, but I think we were all feeling tired.  Still, we all decided we wanted to party together.  We were all having so much fun, and being in new places with new audiences just made it all the more enjoyable.  That night, we’d had an even better reception than usual and were feeling too excited to just sleep it off.

When Ethan didn’t show up to the party, I knew something was going on.

And I decided in that moment that we were done.  I’d had enough.  I was tired of having my heart tugged around like a useless piece of meat.

The biggest band out of us three (some guys who called themselves
Spanky’s Kids) went all out and rented a suite in the hotel where we stayed, and it was a big place so we were all able to party together.  We’d made our reservations long in advance, and Brad had taken care of ours, keeping our band down to two rooms, something more affordable.  We were playing in a fairly large city in New Mexico, but the days blended together, and I wasn’t quite sure where we were this particular night.  Anyway, I was drinking a beer and talking with Clayton and Brian, the bassist for his band, but Brian was called off to smoke some weed in the bathroom, and Clay and I wound up sitting down on the sofa just talking.  He told me about his love affair with music, how he was going to do it till he died, even if that meant he’d just keep playing smaller venues like he was now.  He loved it.  He
was
music.

And I believed him.  What impressed me
most was the love and the passion in him for it, and it showed when he talked about it.

As the night wore on and the party started to dwindle, it didn’t escape my notice that there was still no Ethan to be found anywhere.  I wasn’t going to say a word, though.  And Clay wasn’t getting
handsy or anything.  We were just enjoying talking with each other.  At one point, I asked, “Okay, so…you love music.  I’d go so far as to say—after talking with you tonight—that it’s
the
most important thing to you, that no woman would ever compare.  True?”

He grinned, and that’s when I noticed
again he had the slightest of dimples.  Over the past year, he and I had done a lot of flirting, but this was the first time we’d actually talked for any length of time, and all it did was make me more attracted to him.  “Let’s just say I don’t always make the best boyfriend.  At least that’s what my last girlfriend said.”

Oh, that wasn’t good.  I
’d made a mental note that he didn’t
have
a girlfriend right now.  Yeah, not good at all that I was keeping score.

Still…he was easy to talk to and fun, and I’d already decided Ethan and I were through.  I
was fairly certain Ethan had already made that decision days ago.  Clay pulled me out of my trance.  “What about you, Val?  Think you plan to make a career out of it?”

I shrugged.  “I’m loving it.  I’m
gonna do this as long as I can.”

He nodded. 
“By the way, I never told you.  I love what you’re doing with your voice nowadays.”

I thanked him, feeling a little bashful
.  “You gave me some great suggestions.”  I drank the rest of my beer.  He’d finished his several minutes earlier.

“Can I get you another one?”

I shook my head.  “No.  I shouldn’t be drinking anyway.  I’m not legal.”

He raised his eyebrows.  “Not legal?  What the hell’s that supposed to mean?”

I giggled.  “The drinking age is twenty-one.”

“Oh, yeah…I forget that.”  He inhaled
and then grimaced as though he didn’t really want to know the answer to his next question.  “So how old
are
you, Valerie?”  He cleared his throat.  “If you don’t mind me asking.”

I smiled.  “No.  That’s cool.
  Actually, I’m close.  I’m twenty…ish.”  No way was I going to tell him I wouldn’t actually turn twenty until summer.  I didn’t want to scare him off.

He raised his eyebrows and appraised me. 
“So you’re not exactly a
kid
or anything.”

I laughed again.  “I don’t feel like it.”

He shifted on the sofa and stretched his legs out.  “So…tell me about you and Ethan.  What’s going on there?  The other day at our meeting, he was all over you, but now he acts like you’re a hot potato.  Or…is that just my imagination?”

I felt uncomfortable talking about it, but I didn’t see any harm.
Clay was easy to talk to, and I felt like he understood.  And maybe the two beers I’d drunk were loosening my tongue.  But I doubted it.  I hadn’t really talked to anyone about how I felt, and Clay had opened that door, so it was like it had to come out.  I sighed.  “Don’t get me started.  I don’t think Ethan knows what he wants.  One second, he’s all over me and telling me he wants to make it work.  The next second he’s taking some new drug and screwing a new girl, treating me like shit.  I don’t get it.”

“I’ve heard a few things.”

I sat up.  Now I was feeling pissed.  “Like
what
?”

He grinned.  “Nothing
you
want to hear.”

That figured.  I’d never be part of the boys’
metal club, no matter how good I was.  I should have known.  And that he thought it was funny made me angrier.  “I
asked
, but now you’re gonna be an asshole?”

He raised his eyebrows and sat up.  “Whoa, Val.  I’m an asshole just because I’m trying to save you from embarrassment?”

I let out a slow breath.  “Confirming that my supposed boyfriend is sleeping around on me won’t embarrass me as much as it’ll make me pissed.”

He chuckled.  “Goddamn, woman.  That’s not what I’m talking about.”

I felt my cheeks grow pink.  I gave myself a few seconds to let my blood pressure lower.  “Then what
are
you talking about?”

To himself, he said, “I guess in a roundabout way, I am.  But…”  He looked down at my hands, then back up to my eyes.  “I heard about the party at your apartment a few months back where you just waltzed into the room topless…something about Ethan slipping you some drugs you weren’t aware of
, pulling you into a threesome.”  He looked at my lips.  “And I guess that
was
pretty shitty, but I still wish I coulda seen that.”

I felt a chill shudder down my spine.  “You’re making fun of me.”

His smile was gone.  “No, I’m not.”  He shook his head.  “Sorry I made you feel bad.  I just can’t get that image out of my head…of
you
.  I don’t know how Ethan can just…do what he does to you.  In case I never told you before, Valerie, I think you’re sexy as hell…and I’m glad you’re
legal
.  A woman can get up on that stage and do what you do has all my respect…and my attention.”  He set his bottle on the coffee table in front of us.  “And Ethan’s a stupid fuck for doing what he’s doing.  He doesn’t deserve you.”  He sucked in a deep breath.

I’d heard that before, but I couldn’t remember when or where.  I wished Ethan felt the same way.  But I wasn’t going to talk about
that
with Clay or anyone else.  Before I could speak, he said, “And if that makes you pissed at me, so be it.”

“I’m not.”  But back to what he’d said earlier.  Even though I didn’t plan to talk about my relationship with Ethan, I felt the need to explain, even if only on a superficial level. 
“Let’s just say Ethan has a lot of issues he has to work through.”

“Sure…but why does it have to affect you?”

That was a good question but again nothing I wanted to discuss with someone else.  I shrugged.  “Ethan has some growing up to do.  Were you perfect in your early twenties?”

“Oh, hell, no.  But I didn’t have a steady girlfriend either.”

I smiled and looked at him.  “I’m wondering why you’re so worried about my problems.”

His return smile didn’t look so innocent. 
“I’m not going to lie to you.  I have ulterior motives, and I think you know exactly what those are.  But, Val, you need to think about yourself too.  Your life isn’t just about the man you’re with.  You’re a woman with desires and passions that need to be fulfilled, and you need someone mature enough to handle the relationship that ensues.”

Yes, he had a point there.  Clayton was in his late twenties.  He’d sown a lot of his wild oats.  Ethan, though…he was still tasting life, had barely started.  He didn’t realize that emotional commitment was important too.  Clayton did.  But my head stopped me. 
Wait.  You can’t be sure this is a good idea.

I looked in his beautiful dark green, almost brown,
eyes for lots longer than I should have.  “Clay…you are tempting, but…  We’ll both respect each other more for deciding not to.”  I took a deep breath and placed my hands on my thighs.  “I can’t.  I’m heading to bed.”

He pursed his lips and looked at me.  Then he nodded.  “Your decision.  But…
if you change your mind, I’m in room three-oh-seven. 
Anytime.
”

It was hard tearing myself away.  He was
difficult to resist, but I knew as soon as I could get out of his magnetic field, it would be easier.

I went to my room and took my shoes off. 
Just as I’d suspected…no Ethan.  And there was no evidence that he’d even been to the room.  His suitcase was still by the front door where he’d left it when we’d arrived that afternoon.  I sat on the bed, thinking of the past week and how angry I was with him.  It was almost as if he enjoyed trashing my heart.

And then my mind wandered back to Clay.  God…he was so cute…and sexy.  And then I started asking myself…
what would it hurt?
  Just one night.  One night with a guy who
wanted
to be with me, who wouldn’t be looking for the next woman, wouldn’t be thinking of someone or something else while I was in his arms.  As I considered it, I felt my heart start beating a little harder, and I tried to think of ways to talk myself out of it.

But there were no good reasons not to.

I put my shoes back on and found my key.  Three-oh-seven?