BULL: A Secret Baby Sports Romance (15 page)

I
couldn’t read
the expression on Bull’s face as we sat out on his balcony. I remembered the view, but my memory of that day wasn’t exactly positive.

And so far, this day wasn’t going great either.

I knew it would be hard. I hadn’t spoken to Bull in weeks, and the way things had ended between us was pretty bad. I was embarrassed and angry and mortified, and the last thing I wanted to do was to tell him.

But I knew I had to. I couldn’t just go through with having his child and never tell him. I’d done some bad things to Bull already, but I wasn’t about to do anything worse.

That was why I just showed up at his place. I knew he wouldn’t want to talk to me any other way, and I had to tell him in person. It just wasn’t the kind of thing you texted someone about. I mean, what would I have even said? “Hey, Bull, you knocked me up! LOL!” That didn’t exactly hold the kind of serious weight I was going for.

He stood up and put his hands on the railing, looking off into the distance.

“So what are you going to do?” he asked.

“I’m not sure.”

He looked back at me. “You can do whatever you want, just so you know.”

“Thanks.” I bit my lip. “I was thinking about, you know, keeping him.”

“Him?”

“Her maybe. I don’t know.”

He nodded. “Well, okay. Whatever you want.”

“What do you want?”

“I’m not sure that fucking matters.”

“It does to me.”

“I want a lot of this to have never happened.”

That hurt. I felt like he knocked the wind out of me.

“Oh,” I said.

He looked at me. “I don’t regret you and me. I just—I wish you hadn’t done what you did.”

“I get it.”

“I’m still angry.”

“I’m not asking for forgiveness. I just had to tell you. I don’t want anything from you.”

He nodded and looked back out into the distance. “I guess this is good for your article. Or maybe it’s bad. I don’t really know anymore. Journalistic ethics seem pretty shaky these days.”

I deserved that, but I didn’t understand why he was being so distant. Regardless of what had happened between us, I was having his baby. In the end, that was all that mattered. I was having his baby and we were going to have to deal with that fact. I wasn’t asking him for money or even to be a part of this child’s life. I just wanted him to know what was going on.

If he wanted me gone, then I would be gone. It was as simple as that. I wasn’t going to force him into something he didn’t want to be a part of. I was done manipulating Bull for my own damn selfish reasons.

This baby was bigger than either of us. That was all I cared about anymore.

“Forget about the article,” I told him. “I didn’t write it.”

“You didn’t?” He glanced back at me. “That’s a shock.”

“Well, I did. I wrote something, but it’s not what you think.”

“Ah,” he said, laughing. “Can’t stop yourself from lying, can you?”

“I’m not lying. Bull, it’s not some hit piece. I haven’t even submitted it yet.”

“Not some hit piece? There’s no point writing about me if it’s not just some piece-of-shit slander article. How else will you get all those clicks and likes?”

“It’s not like that.”

“You know it is. You used me. I knew you probably were, but I took a chance anyway.”

“It started out that way,” I admitted. “I’m not going to lie. It started out with me using you for my job, but it changed into something else.”

“What did it change into, Charley?”

“I don’t know,” I admitted, “but I was going to tell you. That day, I was going to tell you. I was going to destroy those pictures and tell you, but Marta walked in at the exact wrong time.”

“You were taking more pictures.”

“I know.”

“So you decided to scrap the whole thing as you were violating my privacy?”

I sighed, shaking my head. It was so stupid, and the truth sounded like a lie, but that was what had happened.

I shifted myself in my chair, leaning toward him. “That’s what happened.”

“Too bad you didn’t just come clean to begin with. I would have understood. Hell, I knew who you were from the start.”

“How did you know, by the way?”

“My mafia friend told me.”

“Our mafia friend.”

“Well, not mine anymore.”

I raised an eyebrow. “What happened?”

“I’m done with those bastards. I’m done with people that take advantage of me.”

“I get it. You don’t have to speak to me ever again. I’m not going to ask for a single dime from you. I just thought you should know.”

“Thanks for letting me know.”

I stood up, sensing that this was over.

It had not gone the way I had wanted.

I didn’t really know what I had expected. I didn’t think he would forgive me, but I at least expected something a little more than this cold anger he was giving me. I thought maybe we could even talk about it like civil, normal people, but that was impossible.

Bull was just too hurt, and it was my fault. I’d messed up, and I deserved whatever he decided to give me. If that meant he wasn’t going to be a part of my life, or maybe even my baby’s life, then so be it. There was nothing else I could do about it.

“I’ll head out then.”

“Yeah,” he grunted without looking at me. “Okay.”

I put my hand on the sliding door and then looked back at him. “You know, for what it’s worth, I really didn’t want to do it. I just hope you read the article that I actually put out.”

“Sure,” he grunted.

I opened the door and left. I didn’t bother looking back, because I knew he wasn’t looking at me.

I felt so empty in that moment. I had a child growing inside me, but that didn’t change things at all. I still felt broken and alone, and nothing I did was right.

Even though the article I wrote was incredibly favorable, glowing even, it still wouldn’t be enough.

I needed to move on from Bull and start to concentrate on myself and my baby.

I
was going
to be a father.

Or at least I was going to be something like a father. I had a kid on the way, and if that made me a father, well, I guess I was a fucking father.

I was back in the gym again with Calvin. That was basically my life in the off-season, working out all day and partying all night. Or at least lately it had been just working out all day and keeping it low key at night.

For some reason, the big blowout parties didn’t sound fun to me anymore. It was all a fucking chore, and now that I wasn’t paying the mob to take care of that shit for me, it just didn’t seem worth it.

So I was concentrating on working out. Or at least I was usually concentrating. Today I could only think about Charley and the baby, and what that meant for me.

I hadn’t had a good father figure. I didn’t know what it meant to be a normal dad in a normal family, or if that was even possible for me. My father was a drunk and a gambler, and he left my mother buried in fucking mob debt. I didn’t know what it meant to be good.

But I did know that I needed to try. I needed to step up and be a man again. I took on my mother’s debt and saved her, and now I was going to have to take responsibility for this child. I could bitch and moan about how we were careful and wore condoms and all that shit, but it didn’t matter. The condom broke, and now Charley was pregnant.

Maybe I shouldn’t have trusted her or believed her, but I did. I even believed her when she said that she did everything because of the pressure from the mafia and that she had even decided not to go through with it. I believed her when she told me all these things, but it didn’t change the fact that she did fuck up and betray me.

It wasn’t like I was a perfect man. I made mistakes. I drank too much, fucked too many women, said some things I regretted, like yesterday at my place, when Charley came over. I fucking regretted being such a dick to her. I had just been so angry and in fucking shock that I hadn’t known what else to do.

It was petty, though. There was something bigger than both of us now. We were going to have a baby, and that little baby was all that mattered.

“Yo, Bull.” I looked up suddenly. Calvin was staring at me. “What are you doing, man?”

“Huh?”

“We switched like five minutes ago. What are you doing?”

I looked down and realized that I was doing the wrong exercise. “Shit,” I said. “My bad.”

“It’s cool.” He gave me a look. “You okay, man? You seem more distracted, worse than usual.”

I shrugged. “I’m good, I guess.”

“You guess?”

“It’s nothing.”

“I haven’t seen Charley lately.”

I cringed. I hadn’t told Calvin about what had happened. “We had a falling out.”

“Who’s fault?”

I paused. “Hers, but also mine.”

“That’s how it always is.”

“But she’s pregnant now.”

He looked like I had socked him in the jaw. “You fucking serious?”

“Yeah,” I said. “She’s pregnant, man.”

“Holy shit. Did you get a paternity test?”

“No, I didn’t get a fucking test, and I’m not going to.”

“Dude, you gotta test that shit. I hate to be an asshole, but we have a lot of money, and some women will do whatever it takes to get it.”

“She’s not trapping me with a baby. She doesn’t even want money from me.”

“That’s what they say at first.”

“Fuck off, Calvin. This is serious.”

“I know,” he said. “What are you going to do?”

“I’m going to step up,” I said. “I’ll try and be a father to this kid.”

“What about with her?”

“I don’t know about that yet. Shit’s complicated.”

“Look, I know she’s a journalist. I’m guessing some shit went down around that?”

“Yeah,” I admitted.

“You got a baby now, man. You gotta get over it.”

“I know,” I said. “I’m working on it. I don’t let shit go very easily.”

“I know. I’ve seen you level guys on the field just because they gave you a dirty look.”

I grinned at him. “That’s just who I am.”

“Yeah, but you can’t be right now. This girl needs you, and she’s carrying your baby.”

“You’re right,” I said. “I know you’re right.”

“Move past it.”

“I am.” I laughed, shaking my head. “Since when did you get so fucking serious and smart?”

“I’m growing up, brother.”

“Yeah. I guess we all are.”

We got back to work, lifting and working hard, but my mind was elsewhere.

Calvin was right. I had to get over my shit and move past it. I had to help Charley.

And the truth was, I wanted to help her. I wanted to fucking be with her. I wanted to let go of my prideful anger and do what I really wanted to do, which was strip off her clothes and fuck her deep until she screamed my name. Afterward, I wanted to hold her until our sweat dried on our skin.

That was what I really wanted with her. Despite everything, I had this intense connection with her that I could barely explain. I’d let her into my world, and now I wanted to keep her in it.

No more fucking around. I was getting to work, and I was getting to it seriously.