Buddha Da (16 page)

‘How d’you mean?’

‘Ah just mean that that’s no whit’s important tae me. It’s no all the words and the ideas behind it, it’s the process. It’s the meditatin, it’s the atmosphere, it’s the lamas, know whit ah mean?’

Ah looked past ma da at the room wi its scabby plastic chairs and posters stuck up wi Blu-tack.

‘Naw, Da, cannae say that ah dae.’

AH SHUT THE
door efter Anne Marie and went back intae the meditation room. Ah watched her fae the windae, crossin the road, heidin towards the bus stop. Ah was hopin she’d turn round, look up and wave, but she never; kept gaun, hood up, heid doon against the rain.

Didnae know whit tae dae wi masel efter she’d gone. Felt flat. Ah’d been that lookin forward tae her comin round, wanted her tae see the Centre, mibbe understaund things a bit better, specially when she said she was studyin Buddhism at school. But she never seemed that interested.

It was dead quiet. It’s no usually this quiet on a Saturday efternoon; folk usually drop in tae meditate or look through the books and sometimes there’s classes on, or talks. But the day all the lamas are away at some special
prayer ceremony somewhere in the countryside and it’s deid here.

Ah wandered through tae the kitchen and put the kettle on again. Didnae really want another cuppa tea but what else was there tae dae? There was nae telly, naebdy tae talk to. Ah had ma Walkman but there wasnae even a comfortable seat tae flop doon on, only ma sleepin bag in the meditation room and somehow ah didnae want tae be there the noo.

Ah took ma tea through tae the other room and sat doon at the table opposite the mandala on the wall. Circles inside circles inside circles. Round and round. Symbolic. Ah sipped ma tea but it felt sour. The milk wasnae aff or that; it was as if there was sumpn in ma mouth that made it taste bitter. Ah put the mug doon on the table and went tae the windae. Dreich. Ah watched the grey sweep of clouds movin quite fast fae the west, just a wee gap of light far away in the distance.

Ah wished ah hadnae let Anne Marie go hame like that. Said she was gonnae see Nisha. Mibbe ah could phone her, see if she wanted tae go tae the pictures or sumpn, mibbe ah could take the pair of them. Or go round and see our John, watch the footie on the TV. But Tricia’d be there and ah don’t think ah’m her number one person at the moment. Anyway, that’s just an escape.

This was whit the lamas were always tellin you tae face up tae. Probably this is the ideal time tae go and meditate, when you’re bored, scunnered. Look at whit’s gaun on inside, insteidy tryin tae escape by daein things. But the last thing ah wanted tae dae was meditate.

Ah went tae the bookshelf and got oot a book wi lots a illustrations, flicked through it. Ah was gonnae copy wan for the mural, but ah’d no completely decided which.
The mandalas were dead complicated patterns but the geometrical shapes were easy and ah thought ah might of been able tae make a kind of simplified version of wan. But the picture ah really wanted tae draw was of the Buddha, and that would be a lot mair difficult. Ah sat for a while, lookin at it, tryin tae imagine whit it would be like enlarged and spread across the wall, but ah couldnae. Mibbe it was daft of me tae even think aboot tryin, efter all ah’m no artist. Ah’m a painter and decorator and was good at technical drawin when ah was at school, that’s all.

There’s a shop alang the road that sells art materials and ah’d already bought squared tracin paper, a couple of good pencils and a rubber. Ah took them oot the wrappin and set the tracin paper carefully ower the illustration of the Buddha. Wanst ah started tae move the pencil alang the lines of the drawin, ah felt OK again. Ah looked oot the windae. Behind the grey clouds scuddin across, the sun was a perfect sphere in the sky.

It was late when the Rinpoche got back but ah was still workin on the drawin. Ah’d managed tae trace the whole thing oot and had hauf-finished squarin it up tae double the size.

‘Nice work, Jimmy. Is this the size it will be on the wall?’

‘Naw, ah want it tae be a lot bigger, just it’s easier tae dae it gradually.’

Ah’d meant tae dae some work on it every day, but the next week a lama was comin tae vist the Centre and we spent loads a time gettin the place sorted for him. It was dead tidy anyway but everythin got hoovered and dusted and cleaned till it was shinin and the lamas
went round burnin herbs and sprinklin incense tae purify it.

He was stayin in the lamas’ hoose on the Saturday night, comin tae dae a ceremony at the Centre on the Sunday, then he was away again, catchin a plane tae Paris that night. Apparently he ran a big Centre in France and was dead famous.

Ah couldnae quite get ma heid round all this stuff yet. When ah’d went tae see the Lama Thonden afore Christmas ah’d thought he was kinda unique, gaun round daein his special ceremony, but actually there seemed tae be this network of monks and lamas, all over the world, travellin around like pop stars. Ah know that sounds daft but then he actually was like a pop star, followed by this big train of folk. Some of them spoke French and a guy wi shades and a leather jaicket was on his mobile hauf the time. The lama was dead wee and they all had tae bend ower when they spoke tae him, as if they were bowin.

The Centre was mobbed; all the regulars were there but there was loadsa folk ah’d never seen afore; people were comin fae all over cause it was the lama’s only visit in Scotland. Ah’d got in early and sat doon the front but when ah turned roond ah noticed Barbara at the back. Ah waved and she smiled back.

Tae be honest, ah was a bit disappointed in the lama’s vist. He sat on the platform wi the Rinpoche and a couple a folk fae his ain team, and smiled at us, then he done these Tibetan prayers in a high-pitched singsong voice, swayin fae side tae side. The room was dead warm wi all the folk in it and ah found ma eyes shuttin, began tae drift aff tae sleep, jerkin back intae consciousness every time he came tae the end of a sequence. Efter the prayers he spoke tae us for a while,
but he was talkin in French and the guy wi the mobile done the translatin. Somehow it wisnae the same. He was talkin aboot how we’re all enlightened really but hauf the time we don’t realise we are. Accordin tae him all we have tae dae is wake up and realise it. And that sounded plain daft tae me. What was the point of daein all that meditatin and all that if you’re really enlightened all the time? When he’d finished we all had tae file past him and he hit us on the shouder wi a kind of stick thing. There was an incense burner close tae me and ah could feel ma eyes sting and the back of ma throat catch. All the while ah was staundin in the line waitin for his blessin ah kept tryin tae psyche masel up for it, fill ma mind wi this realisation that ah was enlightened. Ah shut ma eyes tight, breathed deeply and tried tae convince masel that this would be it. Next thing ah found masel in fronty him; he muttered a few words ower me, ah felt a thump on ma shouders then somebody took ma airm and moved me on. Afore ah knew it it was ower and ah was oot in the hall.

Later, efter the lama had been taken intae the Rinpoche’s room, the hoi polloi gathered round the meditation room havin a cuppa tea. Barbara came up and gied me a hug. Ah could feel her breasts nudgin against ma chest and it made me feel dead uncomfortable. Ah knew ah didnae fancy her but it had been that lang since ah touched a wumman, and ah kept rememberin whit Liz had said. Ah felt masel gaun red and ah bit ma lip.

‘Good to see you,’ she says. ‘How are you?’

‘No bad. How’s yersel?’

‘I’ve been going through a bit of a dull patch – I think January’s like that sometimes – but today really set me up.’ She sipped her tea, noddin intae the distance, hauf smilin.

‘Oh, aye.’

‘How did you find it?’ She looked at me directly. Ah found it hard tae hold her gaze.

‘Dunno, really, ah just … ach, didnae really get it.’

‘You mean the teachings or the ceremony?’

‘Ah don’t know.’ Ah was beginnin tae get pissed aff noo, could she no see ah wasnae really up for talkin aboot it?

She touched ma airm. ‘You don’t want to talk. It’s OK.’

That made me even mair pissed aff.

‘So how are things? How’s Liz?’

‘Liz and me have split up.’

‘Jimmy, I’m so sorry.’

Ah shrugged. ‘Wanny these things, in’t it?’

‘I know. But still.’

We stood for a minute, no sayin anythin, then she touched ma airm. ‘Would it help to talk about it?’

Ah shook ma heid.

‘Well, if you do want to, just give me a call, will you?’

When ah got tae the hoose Anne Marie was in the livin room.

‘Is yer mammy away already?’

‘You just missed her. She was gaun round for Nikki first.’ Anne Marie took a video oot of its case and waved it in fronty me. ‘Right, Da, ah went tae the video shop and got just the thing for you.’

Ah looked at the title. Usually she gets sumpn wi Leslie Nielsen in it for me.

‘
Kundun?
’

‘It’s the story of the Dalai Lama – Mr Henderson said it was good.’

‘Great, hen. Where’s the popcorn?’ Ah was dead chuffed
she’d thought of gettin it, and any other day ah’d of wanted tae see it. But somehow, efter that ceremony and talkin tae Barbara, the last thing ah wanted was tae sit sit through a film aboot Buddhism.

Ah flopped doon on the couch. Anne Marie got the video oot its case, put it intae the machine.

‘But just in case it’s crap, Da, ah got this as well –
Naked
Gun 331/3
.’ She started fast forwardin through the trailers.

‘
LIZ, YOU LOOK
fantastic.’

‘Thanks.’

‘And come inside. You’ll freeze staundin on that doorstep.’

Ah stepped intae the hall. Nikki reached oot and touched ma earring.

‘Love these. Ah’ve never seen you lookin like this.’

‘Well you really only see me in ma work claes. And ah don’t see this wee number gaun doon too well wi auld Mr Anderson, dae you?’

‘Ah don’t know – you might get a rise.’

‘That’ll be the day.’

We went in the livin room and Nikki sat doon on the couch.

‘What dae you want tae drink?’

‘Gin and tonic if you’ve got it.’

Ah sat doon on the settee while Nikki poured out the drinks. It was the first time ah’d been in her flat and ah was surprised how girly lookin it was. Somehow ah hadnae expected her tae go for flowery wallpaper and embroidered cushion covers.

She held oot a pack of Benson and Hedges.

‘Ciggie?’

Ah hesitated for a moment; ah’d been keepin aff them since the New Year. But what the hell, ah was out on ma ain for the first time.

‘Ta’ Ah sooked in the smoke. ‘So tell us all about this party then?’

‘What’s to tell? It’s ma brother’s pal. Ah don’t really know much aboot him. Ah think Derek just felt sorry for me cos ah’d broke up wi Matt.’

‘Are we meetin them first or are we gaun straight tae the party?’

‘Up tae you. They’re meetin in Jinty’s but ah don’t fancy it. Thought we’d mibbe go tae the Cul de Sac and then on. What d’you think?’

‘Ah don’t mind. It’s that long since ah’ve been oot for a drink – we usually go for a meal wi Trish and John or Angie and Paul.’

‘Time tae let yer hair down, girl.’

‘You’re right. Ah’m really lookin forward tae the night.’

‘Cheers.’

‘Here’s tae …’

‘Girl power.’

He wasnae even ma type. Wee, skinny, dark-haired. Ah
don’t know how but we ended up sittin thegether on the settee, just talkin. We’d done the usual stuff aboot who dae you know and what d’you dae and ah ended up tellin him aboot Jimmy and Anne Marie.

‘God, you must of had her when you were aboot ten.’

‘Hardly.’

‘Ah cannae believe you’ve got a twelve-year-old daughter.’

‘Well ah have. What is it you dae?’

‘Student. Ah’m daein a PhD.’

‘Well, if you don’t mind me sayin you look a wee bit auld tae be a student.’

‘Ah’m twenty-six … and ah intend tae keep bein a student as long as ah possibly can.’

‘Oh, aye, use the taxpayer’s money. Us wage-slaves sloggin away all week to keep yous in drugs and drink.’

‘That’s it. Ah’m a wage slave too, though. Work in Iceland part time.’

‘Must cost you a fortune in bus fares.’

‘Ah get a lift wi the reindeer.’

‘D’you enjoy it?’

‘Workin in Iceland? You kiddin?’

‘Naw … the studyin?’

‘Sometimes. Sometimes ah get dead caught up in it, then other times ah’ve nae idea why ah’m daein it. Just seems daft.’

‘Maist things are daft when you think aboot them.’

‘You ever thought aboot daein a Philosophy degree?’

He shifted a bit closer tae me tae let somebody else sit doon and ah caught the scent of his aftershave. Sweet, like vanilla.

‘Whit aboot you, Liz? D’you enjoy your job?’

‘Aye, suppose ah dae. Ah’ve been there a while and a
lot of it’s routine, but, ach, it’s the daft stuff really. Like when ah come in in the mornin and ah see ma desk all tidy, or havin a list of things tae dae and tickin them aff. And answerin the phone. It’s almost like bein an actress, like it’s no really me that does the job – ah play the part of an efficient organised secretary. Ah don’t even talk like masel when ah’m at work.’

‘Good morning, Miss Bools in the mooth speaking, how may I help you?’ He put on a funny high-pitched voice, then stopped. ‘Sorry, ah never meant tae …’

‘It’s OK.’

‘Naw, you were makin a serious point. It’s a bad habit, makin everythin a joke … anyway, you were sayin aboot playin a role at work. Sounds as if you like that, but.’

‘Aye. It’s easy. When ah’m at hame it’s like there’s a constant battle tae keep haudin things thegether. There’s Jimmy and Anne Marie and all the stuff in the hoose, and my mammy’s no well so ah’m gaun roond tae see her every night. It’s nice tae be somewhere ah know whit ah’m daein and there’s only so many things tae keep track of.’

‘You don’t mind, like, no bein yourself at work then? Ah think that’s what ah hate aboot workin in Iceland; ah wear a uniform and at the checkoot it’s like naebdy even sees me, they’re in that much of a hurry. Yer granny wouldnae recognise you. It doesnae matter that much cos ah’m only part-time but ah’d hate to be daein that all day, every day.’

‘Ah don’t think ah’ve ever thought aboot it like that. Bein masel. There’s lots of different ways a bein yersel … ah’m wan thing at work and another at hame, or daein the messages or whatever.’

‘You are a philosopher, ah’m tellin you.’

Just then his phone rang. ‘S’cuse me, ah cannae hear a thing in here,’ he said, walkin oot the room.

The next week ah bumped intae him doon Byres Road in ma lunch break. Hardly recognised him – he was wearin wanny they funny hats all the young guys seem tae be wearin the noo, pulled doon roond his ears.

‘Hi – what you up tae?’

‘Ah’m on ma lunch break – ah was just at the bank.’

‘Time for a coffee?’

Ah looked at ma watch. ‘Aye, a quick wan.’

We went tae a wee place roond the corner fae the office. He sat doon opposite me and pulled aff the hat. It was the first time ah’d actually seen him properly; it had been too dark at the party. His hair was curly and quite long, you don’t see many young guys like that nooadays – they aw seem tae get it cut dead short. His face was delicate, quite feminine; close up in daylight he looked younger.

‘Ah’ve no been in this wan afore,’ he said, lookin round. ‘Thought ah knew every café fae Maryhill tae Thornwood.’

‘Ah come in noo and again. A lot of places round here you cannae get a seat at lunchtime. You workin the day?’

‘Ah was up at the library. Ah’m gaun back tae dae a couple hour and then ah’ve tae start in Iceland at four.’

The drinks arrived and ah sipped mines, feelin a bit awkward. When we’d met at the party we’d talked as if we knew each other, but somehow ah felt a bit strange sittin here in ma work clothes.

He took a big slurp out of his hot chocolate. ‘Did you enjoy the party?’

‘It was OK. Nikki ended up gettin aff wi some guy and
ah felt a bit spare, didnae really know a lot of folk so ah just got a taxi hame aboot hauf-wan.’

‘Ah was away by then, left just efter we were talkin. Is Nikki your pal?’

‘Sort of. She started workin in the office a few month ago but we really only got tae know wan another recently. She split up wi her boyfriend no long before Christmas and ah was on ma ain too so …’

‘So you just got thegether.’

‘Aye, it’s good tae have somebody to go oot wi. Jimmy and me had been thegether that long …’

‘It’s easy tae get in a rut.’

‘Aye.’

‘So are you a party girl, then?’

‘Tae tell the truth, ah don’t think ah know. Ah used tae be right intae gettin dressed up and gaun oot, loved dancin. But it’s that long since ah’ve been on ma ain that ah just don’t know any mair. D’you know whit ah mean? It’s like what we were talkin aboot at the party – aboot who you are. Ah know who ah am at work and wi Anne Marie and ma mammy … but noo that Jimmy’s no around …’

Ah stopped. Ah realised ah was sayin too much. Ah didnae even know this guy.

‘D’you think yous’ll get back thegether?’

‘Who knows? Ah’ve given up thinkin. Less than a year ago ah thought ma life was all mapped oot, ah knew where ah was gaun, noo anythin could happen.’

‘Excitin.’

‘Scary.’

‘Excitin is scary.’

Ah checked ma watch. ‘Ah’ll need tae rush … ah’m
gonnae be late.’ Ah put two pound coins doon on the table. ‘Nice tae talk to you again.’

He lifted the coins, put them in ma haund. ‘Ah’ll get it, it’s cool.’

‘Thanks.’

‘You can get mines next time.’

‘Aye, probably bump intae you again.’

‘How about the same time next week? In here?’

‘Aye, fine.’

‘See you Thursday.’

‘OK.’

Aboot hauf an hour later when ah was sittin at ma desk gaun through a file, all of a sudden a big smile spread across ma face. He’d asked me tae go and have a coffee wi him. No a date or anythin like that, but he must of wanted tae talk tae me, enjoyed ma company, a young guy like that, a Philosophy student.

Ah’d arranged tae meet Anne Marie efter work that day, get the subway intae toon for late-night shoppin. There was a top she was desperate tae get oot the Gap but she couldnae make up her mind which colour. There we were staundin in front of the mirror and she’s got on the pink wan. Ah pulled the blue wan over ma heid and the two ae us are stood there and she was nearly as tall as me. She’s that like Jimmy wi her fair hair and her eyes are exactly like his. And ah don’t know if it was seein her all grown up like that or if it was no bein able tae see anythin of masel in her, but all of a sudden ah felt as if ah was gonnae greet. Ah turnt ma heid away and started tae pull aff the top, tryin tae hide ma tears but Anne Marie seen them.

‘Mammy, are you OK?’

‘Ah’m fine, hen.’

‘Is it ma daddy?’

‘Naw, it’s no, ah’m fine.’

‘Bastard.’

‘Anne Marie, don’t use that language.’

‘Well he is.’

‘No, he’s no. He’s just a bit … mixed up.’

‘Well he could of been mixed up and just stayed in the hoose. He doesnae need tae go aff and stay in that Centre.’

‘Ah thought you were OK aboot it.’

‘Ah’m ur OK.’

‘Ah mean he still loves you. He’s still yer daddy.’

‘Ah know.’

She smiled. ‘Mammy. Know whit ah think?’

‘Whit?’

‘Ah think you should get the pink wan and ah’ll get the blue.’

‘D’you think the pink wan suits me?’

‘Naw – but if you get it ah can borrow it aff you.’

Ah went tae see ma mammy straight fae work the next day cos ah’d no seen her on the Thursday. Ah know it was only wan night but ah was worried aboot her. She’s that thin, gettin. And she’s nae energy. The doctor cannae find anythin wrang wi her. Keeps givin her tests but they’re no further forrard. She’s just no hersel. Sittin watchin the TV every night. She used tae be oot wi ma Auntie Rose tae the club or the pictures.

‘Is that the top you got?’

‘Aye.’

‘It’s a nice colour. Suits you.’

‘Anne Marie’s nice in the blue.’

‘Aye, she’s got her daddy’s colourin.’

Ah sprayed polish on the duster and wiped the top of the TV, liftin a wee china bird wi a chip oot its wing. Anne Marie brought it back fae a school trip years ago.

‘How is Jimmy, by the way?’

‘He’s OK.’

‘Still speakin, are yous?’

Ah lifted the TV guide and
Woman
magazine off the coffee table and dusted that, ma back tae her.

‘We’ve never stopped speakin.’

‘So what’s happenin? Is he still stayin round at that Centre?’

‘Aye. He comes over maist nights tae see Anne Marie. Some nights she goes up there.’

‘Is it no about time yous got back thegether?’

‘Why don’t you ask Jimmy?’

‘Ah’m askin you. Whit’s gaun on?’

‘Nothin’s gaun on. Ah’ve tellt you. He’s the wan that left.’

‘He didnae leave for nothin.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Look, Jimmy worships the ground under your feet. Always has. That’s how we let yous go oot thegether in the first place. You were only fourteen. Ah thought you were far too young tae be gaun wi anybody.’

‘Mibbe you were right.’

‘And we thought Jimmy wasnae good enough for you either, thought he was a bit rough. Me and your daddy discussed it. He said we shouldnae forbid it in case we made you even mair set on it. So we said yous could go out thegether but no on yer ain at fist, and he had
tae come round tae the hoose tae get you and bring you hame.’

Ah smiled. ‘Ah mind. Jimmy said it was like datin Princess Diana.’

‘Efter a few weeks yer daddy turned tae me efter yous had left the hoose and said, “Pat, we’ve nae worries on that score.” And ah said, “How d’you mean?” And he says, “Patricia, that laddie worships our Elizabeth. He’ll no dae anythin tae hurt her.”’

‘Ma daddy said that?’

‘And he was right.’

Ah went over tae the settee and started plumpin up the cushions, straightenin them.

‘So it’s about time yous got things sorted oot.’

‘Well, mibbe you should tell Jimmy that. Or mibbe you should tell they flamin lamas since they’re the only wans he pays any attention tae.’

‘Tae hell wi the lamas.’

‘Ah don’t think they believe in it.’

‘It’s got nothin tae dae wi the lamas. If you ask him tae come back he will. Ah know Jimmy.’

‘Oh, dae you? Well you don’t know me very well if you think ah’m gonnae go crawlin tae him efter he’s the wan that left.’

‘Ah know you only too well. Stubborn – always have been. He’s always given you yer ain way. A big softy. All you have tae dae is ask him. It’s just yer pride that’s keepin yous back. Somebody’s got tae make the first move.’

‘Well it’s no gonnae be me, that’s for sure.’

Ah didnae exactly slam the door as ah went but it was no far off it. Ah was beelin. Couldnae believe she was takin his part against me. She didnae know what had
been gaun on – she didnae know whit it was like tae live wi Jimmy.

Ma mammy’s hoose is just round the corner fae oors but ah didnae want tae go straight hame, needed time tae chill oot a bit afore ah saw Anne Marie, so ah went tae the café up the road. Ah sat doon and ordered a coffee; it’s the frothy old-fashioned Italian kind, no yer trendy wans you get doon Byres Road. Ah struck a match and lit ma ciggie, sookin in the smoke. Ah really would need tae gie it up. It was daft, ah hadnae smoked for years afore this cairry-on started me up again. The ash was burnin on the endy the fag, and the smoke drifted under ma nostrils, teasin me. Trouble was ah didnae want tae gie up, no completely. If ah just cut it doon tae wan a day, mibbe even less, that wouldnae dae me much harm. Then it dawned on me why ah was so angry wi ma mammy. She said ah was stubborn, didnae want tae make the first move. She said that Jimmy would come back if ah asked him tae. Well, mibbe she was right. And in ma heart of hearts ah didnae actually want him back.