Broken Wings (Cruel and Beautiful World, Book One 1) (25 page)

Xander shut the door behind him. He felt repulsive. For fucking Finley. For calling Deryn insane. For putting those tears in her eyes.

As soon as he got back to his room, he brushed his teeth and mouthwashed thoroughly before jumping in the shower. Even through the haze of the steam on the glass, his eyes kept drifting to that spot on the floor. He could still see himself there, lying on top of her while he caressed her skin, planting sweet kisses down her jaw and onto her neck.

Something inside of him was still forcing him to deny that he wanted her, but deep down he knew he did. He wanted her even before that moment. Possibly this went all the way back to that first night he had fallen asleep in her bed, when he awoke and found her hand in his. He hadn't admitted it then but he liked that feeling. Having her there. Needing him. Relying on him. He hated that he had to share her with Bronson. And that damn Dakota. He may not have been around physically, but he was never far from her mind.

But Deryn ... After everything she had been through she still seemed so innocent. So pure.

Even with her scars he could not find one flaw on her. And while her mind might have been damaged, she was still one of the most intelligent people he knew.

And her warmth. The beautiful warmth of her body the few times she'd let him hold her. He was picturing his arms around her now, running his hands along her hips, into her shirt, not stopping until he was caressing those perfect ... fucking ... breasts.

"Fuck!" shouted Xander as he came in the shower. He hadn't even realized he'd been jacking off. And to images of her. Again. "Fuck," he said more softly this time.

Xander looked back at the spot on the bathroom floor. The only solace he could find in any of this was that during those few moments he had her there, the feelings had not been his alone. She had kissed back. She had moaned his name. Until she saw that crest on his wristband she was into it.

Xander knew that deep down she wanted him too. Only, the hindrances in her mind were even worse than his. Xander was a Guardian, and Guardians had tortured and raped her for five years. No relationship in her future would ever be quite right. How could he even touch her without arousing those painful memories?

With a heavy sigh, Xander cleaned himself off and stepped out of the shower. He changed and climbed into bed, for the first time realizing how cold it was without someone there beside him.

Sometime in the middle of the night, Xander was awoken by thunder echoing through his room. A streak of lightning lit up the sky.

"Shit," he said as he remembered what Bronson had told him.

Not even a second later, footsteps stamped through the living room, followed by a slam of the bathroom door.

Xander got out of bed and left his room. Another round of thunder rattled his apartment, followed by a high-pitched squeal.

He opened the bathroom door and quietly said, "Leon?"

"Y-yeah?"

The room was dark, but another flash of lightning let him see that she was hidden underneath her comforter in the bathtub. He pressed a button on his right wristband that emitted a faint light.

Xander then went over to the tub and crouched down. He lifted the comforter just enough to see her wide and frightened eyes.

"Hey, Leon" he said softly. "You alright?"

Deryn nodded yes, but another loud burst of thunder and a high yip said otherwise.

"Bronson told me you're afraid of thunder. He said you slept in here the night he stayed over."

"I did," she said, her wide eyes darting around frantically.

"Have you always been afraid?"

She shook her head.

"Do you want to tell me about it?"

She shook her head again.

"I - Eek!" Another round of thunder.

Xander smiled. Those tiny sounds she was making were kind of adorable. Then he noticed the way her eyes were always on guard. He sighed.

"Do you want to go back to your room? I can put up a shield that will drown out the noise a bit."

Deryn shook her head frantically. "I don't want to move."

Xander nodded. He stood.

"Where are you going?" she asked, reaching out and grabbing his hand.

He looked at her. She was staring up at him pleadingly, looking almost as desperate as she had in that hallway at Eagle Center, right before his father dragged her away. He hated that look. "I'm just going to shut the door," he said.

Deryn reluctantly released his hand, and Xander walked to the door. Luckily, he was not gone long. When he came back, she instinctually moved so that he could climb into the tub with her. He leaned against the back of it before positioning her so she was nestled between his legs. Deryn wrapped the comforter around both of them and let herself sink into him.

"Maybe next time there's a thunderstorm you should make a point to run into
my
bathroom. The tub is at least twice this one's size."

"I'll try to remember that." There was a long moment of silence before Deryn said, "I'm sorry I wrote that email, but I thought I had the feature on to convert my written message to text. Even so, I know it was stupid but for some reason I just keep doing these reckless things. It's like my mind has lost all rationality."

"It was probably just the heat of the moment," justified Xander. "But maybe as you're doing these 'things', you should stop and ask yourself, 'what would the old Deryn Leon do?'"

Deryn chuckled softly. "That would certainly get me thinking. The old Deryn Leon was all about rationality."

Xander smiled into Deryn's hair and moved his arms so they were wrapped around her waist. When she moved her hands to rest on top of his, he could feel that she had something in her lap.

"What's that?" he asked.

"Oh." She pulled it out from underneath the comforter so he could see. "It's that book you had Bronson get. He came by and banged on my door earlier but I didn't answer. He said he was just dropping off some stuff you asked him to pick up for me and he left them on the desk."

Xander waited, but Deryn didn't say anything about the robe. She held up
Yesteryear
and, even in the dark, Xander could see her fingers tracing the cover.

"What made you choose this book for me?"

Xander put his chin on her shoulder and said, "It's your favorite, isn't it?"

He could feel Deryn tense in his arms. "How do you know that?"

"Well, you always had your nose in it at Eagle, didn't you?" He purposely neglected to mention that Finley was the one who had told him this. But it didn't matter. He was the one who stopped to look at it, somehow reminded of the vague memory of it all.

Glancing sideways, he could see the faint outline of a smile on her lips.

"Do you want to read some before we go to sleep?" he asked.

Deryn's hair brushed against him as she nodded.

Xander lifted his arm with the light higher. He rested it between Deryn and the tub, holding it out so she could see the pages. As Deryn began flipping through, he said, "Read one of the chapters about life before technology, will you? Preferably with castles. I always liked castles."

Deryn knitted her brow as she turned to look at him, their faces incredibly close. "You've read
Yesteryear
?"

"Of course I have," said Xander. "I've always been curious about life before our ancestors were forced underground, and this is just about the only book the president hasn't banned."

"Only because it's broad," she said. "There are many books we've found preserved that go into so much detail. I read this one for my fix but there are better ones out there."

"Maybe one day you'll be able to show them to me," he said, to both of their surprise.

Xander and Deryn didn't read for long. They only got about halfway through one chapter before they both drifted off to sleep. It was actually sort of peaceful in the bathroom, despite the unpleasant feeling from the curve of the porcelain pressing into Xander's back.

Sometime in the middle of the night, Xander awoke to the sound of a faint moan. He opened his eyes and realized he had been caressing Deryn in his sleep. One hand was gliding across her stomach on the inside of her sweater while the other was stroking the delicate area of skin just below the hem of her pajamas. The moan had come from her.

Deryn's head fell back against Xander's shoulder. He leaned towards her so that he could breathe in the aroma of her skin. Then he brushed his lips against her neck, his hand trailing down further until it reached the top of her underwear. And then his fingers stopped, fidgeting uncomfortably with the lace he was happy to find before removing his hand completely, settling both around her waist. Call him old fashioned, but he preferred his women to be conscious when he groped them.

After a gentle kiss on her temple, Xander leaned his head against hers and tried to fall back asleep.

"Ruby?" she whispered a short while later.

"Yeah."

"Would it be alright if I call you Xander?"

Xander smiled. "That would be fine, Leon." He kissed her cheek before closing his eyes and drifting off one final time.

~

The next morning, Xander was surprised to find himself alone in the tub. His neck was aching and stiff, and the rest of his body wasn't much better.

There was a rustling in the kitchen and he got up to investigate. He left the bathroom and was more than happy to find Deryn mixing pancake batter while wearing her new robe. She smiled when she saw him.

"Morning, Xander. Do you want chocolate chips in your pancakes?" she asked, holding up a bag of them.

"Sure," he said, walking over to make the coffee. To his pleasant surprise, Deryn had already done that. He poured a cup and sat on the counter, watching closely as she worked flawlessly in the kitchen. That robe was even more appealing than he imagined. She looked so cozy in it and he was overcome with the strangest urge to snuggle her. Which was weird, considering he'd never had any desire to snuggle anyone before.

Xander's eyes then drifted down to her feet, clad in his too-large slippers. That would be next on his list.

A burst of thunder roared outside. Deryn shrieked and dropped the plate she was carrying. Xander was off of the counter in a flash and holding her in his arms. As it turned out, he had been right. The robe was delightful.

"I'm sorry," she said, looking down at the plate as she hugged her arms around his waist.

"It's replaceable," he said, nuzzling his nose in the top of her head. How did she always smell so damn good?

What Xander didn't realize was that Deryn was doing the same to him. He was always so spicy and fresh, and she took this moment to really breathe him in.

Thunder sounded again but Deryn didn't react this time. She was too caught up in the feeling of Xander's arms to even notice.

He stroked his hand through her hair and she looked up to find him gazing down at her. His lips parted slightly and hers did the same, both of them frozen as their eyes remained locked. Xander moved his hand from her hair to her cheek and slowly moved inward -

But their reverie was quickly interrupted by a knock on the door. Xander stared at it before reluctantly letting Deryn go. He walked over quietly and glanced out the peephole, sighing in relief when he saw it was only Bronson. And then he noticed his black eye.

"Shit." Xander slowly opened the door. "Morning, friend!" he said brightly as Bronson stepped inside. "Quite a shiner you got there. I'm sure the bastard who gave it to you was incredibly intoxicated and -"

Bronson swung hard and knocked Xander over with one solid hit to the jaw.

"Xander!" screamed Deryn as she ran over to help him. Bronson shut the door so she couldn't be seen.

"You. Fucking. Ass," said Bronson as he shook out his hand. "The two of you need to stop taking your damn frustration with each other out on me. I don't think my body can handle much more of this."

Deryn was doting over Xander on the floor for a moment, but then she glanced up and took a good look at Bronson. "What happened to your eye?"

"One guess," he said, looking scornfully at Xander.

"Oh." Deryn let go of Xander and stood back up. "I'm sorry, I didn't realize the hit was justified. Do you want pancakes?" she asked, heading back to the kitchen. "They're chocolate chip."

"Mmm, lovely," said Bronson, following her and making sure to knock Xander with his foot as he passed.

Xander groaned and stood back up. He should have known Bronson wouldn't take what he'd said the night before seriously. He supposed he should be grateful, since Bronson really did do a lot for them. But what terrible timing.

For the next couple of weeks, living with Deryn became very pleasant for Xander. The thunderstorms had stopped but she continued to ask him to sleep in her bed at night, which really gave him time to breathe in her intoxicating aroma.