Broken Toy [Suncoast Society] (Siren Publishing Sensations) (9 page)

Before leaving, she made sure to speak to Seth and Leah and introduce herself to them.

As Ella.

“We’ll be glad to have you there,” Leah said.

When a couple of voices tried to speak up in the back of Gabe’s mind, she stomped them down without bothering to identify them first. That in and of itself was a miracle.

She’d been ordered to enjoy herself. To relax. To have some “me” time.

“Thank you. I appreciate that.”

She thought about waiting for Bill once she’d paid her check, to talk to him some more, then indecision hit again.

No, she definitely wanted to go to the class. If nothing else, to prove to herself that she could take me time.

Well, when ordered.

She walked over to Bill, where he stood talking with Tony and Shayla, Tony’s wife. “I need to go.” She shook with them, finishing with Bill. “I guess I’ll see you next Saturday, then.”

His smile reached his eyes. It struck her he looked like a man not necessarily used to smiling a whole lot, like maybe he carried more on his shoulders than just lingering grief and loneliness. “Looking forward to it, Ella.”

As she walked to her car, she briefly wished her name really was Ella.

She liked the way it sounded falling from his lips.

When Bill showed up at Marelli’s on Monday night for dinner, Dori playfully gave him a hard time. “We were beginning to think something was wrong, or maybe you didn’t like us anymore. You missed three days in a row. That’s not like you.”

He laughed, privately pleased that they’d noticed his absence. “Sorry. Busy weekend for a change. No more plans until this Saturday.”

“I told Papa Tom if you’d suddenly met a woman, that you’d bring her in here for us to approve of.”

“Of course I would. Love me, love Marelli’s. It’s a deal breaker.”

Bill tried not to think too much about Ella over the next few days. He mentally kicked himself in the butt for not walking her out to her car.

I could have gotten her license plate number.

That thought made him kick himself again, because it wasn’t exactly the best way to potentially start a new relationship on the firmest of footings, by running someone’s plate.

Besides, it was highly unprofessional. And, in this case, illegal.

Although he had run a Google search on her and didn’t come up with anything that looked like it pertained to her.

Not to mention he hadn’t exactly been completely open with her, either, regarding his profession. He’d already decided, based on what happened during the class on Saturday, that he would open up a little more to her if he wanted to go out on a date with her. At least reveal that he was a cop so she could immediately reject him if she had a problem with that.

And if she didn’t have a problem with what he did, maybe it would entice her to open up a little more, too. He’d gotten the impression it wasn’t just because of the munch that she hadn’t been very talkative about personal topics. Like maybe she was used to keeping details about her life close to the vest.

That would fit in with several of his theories, the front-runners currently being probation officer, social worker, or DCF investigator. Maybe even corrections in some other form, like an office worker. Those could all be state jobs. He doubted she was a trooper or wildlife officer. But she’d specifically mentioned working for the state, and the state was a big place with a lot of agencies.

Unless she lied.

He hoped she hadn’t outright lied to him.

Well, doesn’t matter yet. She’ll have to come to the class first.
And he wasn’t even sure she’d do that. He had prepared himself for that possibility. She might get cold feet somewhere in the middle of the week, and he’d never see her again.

He was definitely a realist. Especially after what he’d been through with his Ella. He’d had every expectation of her coming home the next day following her surgery, and everything being fine. Not spending four weeks praying she’d miraculously wake up before finally agreeing to life support being discontinued.

Yes, he’d quit believing in miracles that afternoon, in lightning strikes of the good kind. As he’d watched the monitors chart her decline, so left his faith in happy endings. He’d lost more than just the love of his life that day. He’d lost all the hopes and dreams and plans they’d had. He’d never been much of a “greater power” kind of guy, but that afternoon cemented in his mind that there couldn’t be a god or anything else.

And if there was a god cruel enough to take his Ella from him like that, he didn’t want to believe in it anyway.

* * * *

Thursday afternoon, his former brother-in-law Craig called him. “Any plans for this Saturday night? Melody’s thinking about throwing a cookout.”

Bill silently groaned. Normally he enjoyed going over to their home. They’d been an important part of his life, his support during the four weeks following Ella’s stroke, and in the weeks and months after her death.

“I can’t this Saturday. For once, I actually have plans.”

Craig laughed. “Please tell me it’s a woman? Mel’s bugging the crap out of me to try to set you up again.”

Bill leaned back in his office chair. “Sort of. I did meet someone last weekend. Going to go out to dinner with friends.” It wasn’t technically a lie. He did hope Ella would join all of them for dinner at Sigalo’s after the class. He just hadn’t confirmed that, and couldn’t until he saw her again.

If she even came to class.

“That’s great! Any intel I can pass along to you-know-who? She’ll bug the crap out of me, you know.”

“I met her through friends last weekend. I don’t even know if anything will come of it.” That was also the truth.

Technically.

It didn’t escape him that “met through mutual friends” was also a phrase the Suncoast Society group had told him they used a lot when introducing their kinky friends to vanilla friends and family. “Met through mutual friends” could cover a lot of ground without forcing anyone to outright lie or triggering most people to dig deeper for details.

“Well, I’m sure she’ll give you a pass on dinner then. Just don’t be surprised if she calls you and bugs you to bring your friend over to meet us.”

Melody meant well. She and Ella had gotten along like a house on fire, close friends from when Craig, who’d been three years older than Ella, had brought her home while in college to meet their family.

Bill still felt convinced the death of their daughter at such a young age had contributed to the deaths of Ella’s parents. Her father died of a heart attack two years later, her mother nine months after that. Bill suspected her mother had died more of a broken heart than the nebulous “heart failure” listed on her death certificate.

It had hit him as hard as it had Craig, considering he’d lost his own parents years earlier and they’d been like parents to him.

“Please tell her I appreciate the invite, and if anything develops, I’ll be sure to let you guys know.”

“Yeah, well, I guess she’ll have to be happy with that.” Craig laughed. “A couple moved in next door last week. There’s a few eligible women in their family in your age range, apparently.”

Bill couldn’t help but smile. “How long did it take Mel to suss that out?”

“About five minutes, I think. Maybe less. You know her.”

“Yes, I do. And again, tell her thank you for thinking of me.”

Craig’s tone softened. “Eh, you really doing okay, man?”

“Yeah.” They actually lived over an hour south, down in Naples. He’d fibbed to them a few times and gently refused holiday invites over the past couple of years. It always caused a painfully deep ache in his soul afterward, the holiday gatherings did, that other get-togethers didn’t create.

Besides, he always had the Marellis.

By Friday afternoon, Bill was wondering if maybe going to the class was such a great idea. When he found himself back in west county late that afternoon, he stopped by the dive shop. Rob and Laura were both there, the baby asleep in her portable crib set up in the office. Closed in there with the couple, he decided to admit his reservations.

“Maybe this isn’t the best idea,” he said. “Me going to class tomorrow.”

“Are you worried about someone outing you?” Rob asked. “We’ve been going there for a couple of years, even ran into people we know a couple of times, and we’ve never had a problem.”

Bill sat back in his chair. “Sort of. I don’t know.”

Laura smiled. “Not sure you’re ready to jump back into the dating pool?”

“I don’t know. Maybe.”

She leaned over and hugged him. “Listen, you said it yourself, you’re tired of being alone. Love isn’t easy.” She glanced at Rob. “Believe me, if anyone knows that, we do. We had to go through it not once, but twice, if you think about it. The second time around, we still chose each other, even though I didn’t know who the hell I really was for a lot of the second time. Take a chance and go to the class. If you want, I can ask our sitter if they can take Molly sooner, and I’ll go to the class with you.”

He didn’t want to inconvenience them. “No, that’s okay. I guess I should just nut up and go through with it.” He looked at Rob. “Does it get any easier?”

The paramedic shrugged. “I’ll be honest, the first couple of times I went to events, I felt scared shitless.” He rested a hand on Laura’s shoulder. “Was it worth it? Absolutely.”

She snuggled against Rob’s side.

A sad pang squeezed Bill’s heart. His mind flashed back to his Ella, to nights snuggled on the couch with her while watching TV. To sweet times spent in bed together.

Standing vigil at her bedside, mentally begging her to open her eyes and look at him.

“Scared shitless.” He thought about the Ella he’d met at the munch, how something about her wouldn’t leave his mind. “That’s pretty accurate.”

He drove back to east county and was fortunate enough to snag his usual table at Marelli’s. With the place relatively busy, he knew the staff didn’t have time to socialize with him. After Dori quickly grabbed his order, setting down glasses of tea and water without even asking him what he wanted to drink, he settled in with his work phone to go through e-mails.

He never did this when with Ella. His Ella. They’d always sat and talked during meals. He missed that nearly as much as he missed the intimate contact. Not even sexual, just…being with someone.

With
someone.

He missed not feeling like a fifth wheel when out with others.

He missed the life he’d had, the plans and dreams they’d made. They’d wanted children, but then the world imploded.

Now, he knew he didn’t want children at his age, even if the right woman miraculously came along. Ella had wanted children. He’d wanted them more because he wanted what she wanted, wanted to do anything and everything to make her happy. He knew he would have loved them every bit as much as she would have. She’d wanted to put off having them, and had actually started talking about trying to get pregnant before her gallbladder problem cropped up. And then…

All those talks fell by the wayside. Kids, with her, would have been great.

But without her…

No, he’d be better off with a cat. Life had soured him since losing her. Turned him bitter in some ways. Inflexible. He’d grown so comfortable with being alone that if someone was meant to be in his life, like Ella 2.0, they’d have to be able to love him and accept him the way he was, right now. Just like he would accept them.

He was too mature to play games. Too set in his ways to chase someone down. He wouldn’t tolerate passive-aggressive antics to try to elicit a reaction from him. They either took him as he was…or they didn’t.

He’d seen too many of his friends and coworkers divorce in the time since he’d lost his Ella. He wouldn’t set himself up for that, if he could avoid it. That meant not settling. That also meant not trying to be things he knew he wasn’t.

And it also meant the stars aligning, and whoever walked into his life not being a doormat who would do anything just to have a relationship. Tony and Rob had both given him that warning, about new sub “frenzy,” the buzz of new relationship energy switching off the main breaker in peoples’ brains and turning them utterly stupid.

He was a cop, used to keeping his cool. Ella 2.0 appealed to that in him. She didn’t seem overly eager to throw herself at him.

Caution like that was something he appreciated.

Now let’s see if she gives me a chance to see more of her.

Monday morning, Gabe went for an early-morning run and then stood under the shower, water as hot as she could stand it, letting it drum against her scalp and sting her flesh. Her dreams had been filled with all sorts of wild, crazy, and sexually explicit scenes starring Bill.

Of letting him tie her up and do things to her.

I
really
need to get laid.

Unfortunately, the vibrator in her suitcase couldn’t hold her as she drifted off to sleep at night, or have conversations with her. She could lie to herself all she wanted, say she didn’t need it, but something deep inside her soul craved and cried out for intimate human contact. Someone to snuggle with on the couch while watching TV. Someone to curl up with in bed while falling asleep.