Broken Song (11 page)

I stepped up to the stage and shot the guy a glare and leaned in and spoke in his ear,  “Not cool, fuck face.  You just hijacked my personal time with a wonderful person, just give me a goddamn guitar and try to keep up on a 4/4 beat.”

I grabbed the mic from him and put it in the stand.  I saw Sandra move up in front of the stage with her hands in front of her face, pressed to her lips like a silent prayer.  I spoke into the mic as I was handed a guitar,  “Hey everyone, how's the night treating you?”  This got explosive cheering.  “Well, Leather and Heels is officially disbanded and I can't sing any of those songs.  But I have something new for you.  This is a Penny Franklin original, I call it 'Searching for Me'.

Then I kicked into a quick guitar solo as I arched my back and screamed out my signature “Meeeeeoooowwww!”  The drummer caught the beat and the bassist laid down a line.  Then I sang of seeing oneself but not recognizing the reflection.  The realization of the loss of yourself.  The determination to find the person you used to be and the hope and beauty found.  Then stepping out of that pool of darkness into the light and basking in love.

I thought of my girls with an inner smile.  Then I sang of the new possibilities, the boundless wonder in the world.  And I had to look down at my little blonde at the lines about surprising discoveries.  I shot her a smile.  She put both her hands over her heart as she smiled back.

Then it was over and I threw the guitar to the lead vocalist and jumped off the stage into the screaming crowd and took Sandra's hand in mine and dragged her to our table to get our stuff in a panic.  I was hyperventilating and I didn't know why.  My past started crashing down on top of me along with the knowledge that my music was taken from me.

We got out the back fire door and I leaned with my back against the concrete wall behind the Ballyhoo and slid down to sit on the cold pavement.  Sandra looked almost panicked. “Are you
OK
Penny?  I'm so sorry about that!  It was my fault for getting us too close to the stage.  I'm so stupid!”

This snapped me out of my panic and I actually yelled at her.  I know I shouldn't have but what she said just made me so mad, and I shouldn't take my fear, panic, and frustration out on her. “Don't ever fucking say that again Sandra!  You are not stupid!  The only thing stupid is you saying that you are!  Do you understand me?”

I stopped and closed my eyes and took a deep cleansing breath, calming myself down. “I'm sorry Sandra.  I shouldn't be taking my frustration out on you.”  I stood and looked in her watering eyes.  “Right about now, you are the only good thing in my life.”  Then I looked where I had been sitting.  “I know what you mean about the cold seeping in now.  That was frigid!”

She had tears flowing down her cheeks and I leaned in and kissed her gently on the lips, lingering for a second or two.  “Let's go home.”  She smiled and wiped her face with her sleeve then nodded.

We made our way around to the front parking lot and to her car in silence.  When we were pulling out of the parking lot, she was staring intently at the road without speaking.  I didn't know what to do so I just reached my hand out and opened it over the center console.  Without looking, she lowered her right hand to mine and I clasped it, lacing our fingers.

I could see and feel her finally relax and the tiniest of smiles flirted around on her face as she stared straight ahead.  I couldn't convince my lips not to answer with a tiny smile of my own.

After a minute of this extremely intimate, comfortable silence, she gently spoke,  “That was so pretty and upbeat, not like your other songs.  The ones at the hospital were fun as well.”  She left it at that and our comfortable silence continued all the way home. 
Home?  I have no home.

The dogs were happy to see us.

Then she handed me a nightshirt and got on her cellphone.  “Hi Jane.  I'm home.  What? No... no that wasn't Penny's fault.  It was Lori...  no... Penny almost kicked her butt but Minnie came.  I was... oh... OK.  I'll tell her.  Love you bunches too.  Goodnight Jane.”

She looked over at me sheepishly.  “Jane says thank you.”  Then she ran blushing into her room with the cloud of dogs at her feet.

I folded out the bed and laid down and pulled the covers up over me.  Daisy came padding out of Sandra's room and jumped up on my chest and just stared at me.  I started scrubbing her ears.  I found the silence odd.  After a minute, Daisy got on my pillow beside my head and curled in.  I listened to the silence.

I wasn't thinking.  That is odd for me, so I forced myself to think about the hectic day and everything again came crashing down on me at once.  The heartbreak of seeing people that have basically been forgotten by the world, the small amount of food we were able to provide.  The children in the hospital.  I smiled for a second but then realized that a lot of the ones I met were dying.  How is the fucking world fair?  Why would the universe do that to those children?  I hate this world, all there is here is pain.

I thought of Yvette and I realized I was silently crying and I couldn't seem to stop myself.  I hurt so bad inside.  I just wanted it all to stop.  Then I heard light footsteps coming down the hall.  I didn't look up, I tried to stop my body from shaking with the tears but I couldn't.  Then Sandra wordlessly joined me on the bed, I turned away from her, hiding my shame.

She just wrapped an arm around my waist gently and pulled me into her protectively.  Then she just silently held me as I cried myself out, feeding me her strength and compassion.  I fell asleep in her arms, feeling safe, feeling... loved?

I woke up to my puppies licking my face.  They are so awesomely cute!  Penny wasn't in the bed. She was so broken last night, I thought I was getting through to her but then I was stupid like normal and that singer guy ruined everything.  I propped myself up with my elbows behind me and looked around and she was nowhere to be seen.  Must be in the bathroom.  I looked down the hall but the door was open and the light was out.

I called out, “Penny?”  There was no answer and I sat up quickly, starting to panic and saw a note on the pillow.  I grabbed it as I jumped out of the bed and ran down the hall checking my room and the bathroom.

Crap!  I squeezed my eyes shut and counted to three like Jane taught me and calmed down and started to think.  Then I remembered the note I was holding and opened my eyes and read it.

[Sandra,  you are probably the most amazing person I have ever met.  I can see me falling for you far too easily and I don't need to poison your world.  Your world is the world I wish I lived in, instead of this pain filled hateful world of mine.  I need to think.  I don't know what I'm doing anymore, but I promise not to do anything until I can figure everything out.  Promise me that you will finish the paperwork for your foundation.  You deserve for your dream to come true.  As Jane would say, love you bunches San.  -Penny-]

I started repeating over and over, “On my god, oh my god...” as I ran to my bedroom and started throwing some clothes on.  My puppies didn't know what was going on.  I'll have to explain it to them later, especially Daisy, she's a worrier.

I grabbed my cell and called Penny and my heart dropped again, I heard her phone ringing in the living room.  She had left it here.  I ran out to the garage and fumbled around with the lock before I got it opened.  I was hyperventilating as I sat in the driver's seat.  I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and counted to three.  I slowed my breathing then I drove out.

I know speeding is bad, but she might be...  I couldn't think the terrifying thought as I sped toward the Aurora bridge.  It isn't really the Aurora bridge you know, that's just its nickname since that is the street name.  It is really the George Washington Memorial Bridge.  I don't know what he was remembering with the memorial but he was all smart and junk, being the first president and all.  Why the heck am I thinking this stuff when Penny is out there somewhere?

I parked my car on a side road at the end of the bridge and closed my eyes and took a deep breath to calm down again. 
One, two, three.

I could see Penny's way too pretty face in my head, and her lips are so soft.  She's as beautiful as Jane.  I hopped out of the car and ran along the bridge to the spot where I met her.  There was nothing.  I was starting to panic again as I looked down at the water.
Come on think Sandra!  Ah!
My eyes shot down the the walkway below the railing.  Nothing, no boots and no jacket like before.  I could feel the panic receding, so she didn't...  But then I remembered telling her jumping from a building worked better. 
How could I be so stupid!?

I didn't know what to do.  So I did what I always have done my entire life.  I called Jane.  I wish I was smart like her so I would know what to do.

“Jane!  She's gone.  I thinks she's going to... why didn't I call 911 when I first saw her on the bridge?  I... I'm so sorry I thought I could help her Jane.  I...  oh... OK.”  I closed my eyes. 
One, two, three.
  “OK.  I'm better now.  Penny.  She's missing.  What... OK, I'll be right there.  Love you too Jane. Bye.”

I drove the route that I have driven for years, I could do it in my sleep.  Jane has always been my hero, my protector.  She never treats me like I'm stupid.  And she is a pilot, how cool is that?  I was hoping one day to be good enough for her that she would want me, but she found Crystal.  I can't blame her.  Crystal is so smart and pretty and nice, just like her.  She treats me with respect so I love Crystal to pieces too.

I stopped my thought process when I realized I felt the same about Penny that I felt about Jane.  That might be why I didn't call 911 when I saw her on the bridge; something about her hit my heart just right.  She has so much strength and she just doesn't see it.  But I could see it, I was trying to show it to her.

Before I knew it I was parking in the pay lot next to their loft.  I put one of the free day passes that Crystal gave me on my windshield.  She knows a guy.  I giggled at that.  She seems to know a lot of people.  I hear people joking sometimes that there isn't a person in Seattle that doesn't owe Crystal a favor.

I remembered the box of granola bars in the back seat that I had shipped in last week for Jane.  I don't know why she loves them so much, I think they taste awful, but she always seems to have them around and is always giving them to everyone.  So I have made sure that she has always been well stocked over the years.  I grabbed the box and made my way to the door.  I hit my buzz-buzzity-buzz-buzz on her intercom and the door buzzed open almost instantly.

I ran up the stairs and the door to their loft was already open.  I walked in and saw Crystal in the kitchen area making breakfast.  Jane was pouring coffee into three cups.  I set the granola bars on the entry table, I'll stock her cupboards and nightstand drawer later.

They looked over at me with those dazzling smiles of theirs.  You know how they talk about a woman's smile being like artwork or whatever.  Well theirs are masterpieces.  I smiled back.  Jane nudged her head toward the living room as she walked with the coffee mugs and I followed her and sank into the comfy couch.  She handed me a coffee and I opened my mouth to speak, but she held up a finger to stop me and tilted her head cutely.  Crystal sat down with us, handing out plates of eggs and bacon and offering me one of her knee buckler smiles that I love so much.  I was distracted by her dual colored eyes again and shook myself out of it.

Then Jane sat back and started shoveling eggs into her mouth with a satisfied look.  “OK.  Now eat, San, and tell us what is going on.”

I obediently started eating.  These scrambled eggs were sinfully fluffy with the tiniest of slivers of ham in them, instead of seasoning them with salt.  Oh, I know these eggs!  She got the recipe from Mrs. Z at the Pike!

I looked sadly at the two ladies and started.  “It's Penny, I think she's...  going to kill herself.”

They both stopped eating and put their plates down.  Crystal spoke first with rapid fire questions, “What do you mean?  Are you sure San?  Who is this Penny, Jane says you said I know her?”

I just stood and walked over to the huge collection of vinyl albums the girls seem to love, and grabbed an autographed Leather and Heels album and walked back and handed it to Crystal.  “Yes, Penny.  You said you met her.”

Her eyes went wide.  “This Penny woman is Penny Franklin!?”

I just nodded.  Jane was studying me like she always does.  She always says she can see something inside me that most people can't.  It always makes me blush.  “Yes.  I met her on the Aurora bridge Thursday night.  On her fortieth birthday.  She was going to jump.  The universe hasn't been very nice to her lately and she looked so broken.  There was so much pain and rage and fear in her eyes.”

The two reached out and put a hand on my arm, urging me to go on.  “She looked so beautiful in the moonlight on that railing, but I could see a strength in her even though she couldn't see it herself.  I thought I could show her how much she still had to give to the world.  I thought I could help.  She promised me forty eight hours Jane.  She promised... but she's gone!”  I pulled the note out of my purse And shoved it at them.  They would know what to do.

Jane finally spoke, she was as calm as ever and her voice was strong.  “The note sounds like she is trying to resolve something hon and she doesn't want to drag you into it.  I don't think she's doing what you think she is.  It sounds like she can see the 'you' that we can all see.  Why was she on the bridge San?”

I didn't know if I was supposed to share that.  I mean it is all private.  “I... I don't know if I'm supposed to share.  It is her private stuff.”

Crystal grabbed my hand.  “You are a good friend San, and you make me so proud that you protect the people you care about so fiercely like this, but if there is anything we can do to help, we need to know what is going on.  Then maybe Riley and I can help you figure out where she has gone or if we need to call the police to help her.”

I blushed when she said she was proud of me.  She always says really nice stuff like that, Jane really is lucky to have found her.  I think it is so cool that she uses Jane's real name, Riley.  I was the one that called her Jane first.  It was a stupid misunderstanding when I first met her in grade school.  Someone had called her plain Jane when I came walking up to meet her because my dad pointed her out as the daughter of a family friend.

I thought that was her name and called her Jane, I was dumb back then too.  She got a silly grin on her face and some other kids started making fun of me, calling me “dummy”.  She snapped at them and said that she liked it and pulled me away from them to the swings to play.  So ever since then, she has told everyone to call her Jane instead of Riley.  Even though it is mean of me, I scoff at those kids now, seeing the beauty that Jane has turned into, absolutely nothing plain Jane about her now.

I looked over at Jane for confirmation that it was OK to tell Penny's secrets and she just nodded with a gentle smile.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.  One, two, three.  I opened my eyes and I started speaking, “OK.  But she cusses a lot.”  Crystal snorted and nodded in agreement.  Then I told them how soft her kisses were and how I think I'm falling for her.  Then I went on to heart rending story of this wonderful, kind, smart, woman that I can't seem to get out of my thoughts.  How her music, her home, her children were all taken from her.  And now... cancer.  I really hate cancer, it has taken so many of my children from me.

I was crying when I finished the story.  Jane gave me a long hug.  “You heart is so big San.  Leave it to you to fall in love with an older woman who is almost your polar opposite.”

I looked at her.  “I'm in love with her?”  I thought about it as Crystal nodded with her super cute “Duh” face.  Then I nodded sheepishly and said in my own defense, “And she's only six years older.”

I thought about it for a while.  I could see the girls were patiently allowing me to sort through it. You know, maybe they're right.  I've never felt about a woman like I have felt about Jane before Penny. I could just sit quietly at her side forever and never feel awkward.  She has never made me feel stupid and she is so patient.  She showed me how to do some math without having to write it all out.  And her voice is that of an angel I could listen to all day.  I know she is stronger than she thinks she is.  And I want... to protect her.

I stuck my tongue out at the two ladies and they laughed.  Then I asked, “So what do I do?”

Crystal looked at me with her wonderful eyes, one blue, one brown, and said, “It doesn't appear that she is suicidal at this moment, looking at the note, but that is no guarantee it will stay that way.  Let me get my network on the lookout for her.”

Jane chimed in, her voice soothing to my frazzled nerves, “San, you have just about as big a network as Cryster.   Get your people on the street to keep an eye out too.  I don't know if we should involve the police or not.  If it winds up being nothing but her sorting out her thoughts, it would look pretty bad if the police pick her up since she is a celebrity like Kimi and Skylar.”

I was getting excited watching how they came up with smart plans, but then my heart sank a little when Jane shot me a pained look.  “Don't read into this San, but while you two do your thing, I'll call all the hospitals and morgues in the area.  I'm just covering all bases here, I'm not saying I think anything has happened.”

I nodded even though my tears were threatening to fall.   Then she paused, took a sip of her coffee before she said, “Where would she go San?  You know her better than us.  Hell, you can read people better than anyone I know.”

I blushed then thought for a minute. “That's the problem.  Her entire past has been taken from her, that's why she came 'home' to Seattle...  to end it.  The only thing she loves more than life itself are her daughters.  But they... don't want anything to do with her.  She would run to them if she could.  There is no one else in her life that she cares about.”

But something about that statement didn't quite ring true to me.  There was something that was screaming out to me but I couldn't quite figure it out.  Dang it!  I wish I were smart like the girls.

Crystal tapped the note. “That's not exactly true, she seems to truly care about you.”

I blushed even harder and looked down at the floor.  Was that true?  Even if it was, that wasn't what was nagging at the back of my brain.  “I don't know about that Crystal, but there is something I'm forgetting.  It is just on the cusp of my brain but I'm just not making the connection yet.  I'm so stu...”  I stopped at the violent, angry looks on both of their faces as they snapped their heads toward me.  They hate it when I say I'm stupid.  “I just know I'm missing something.” Their faces went back to compassionate concern.  Whew, I don't want them mad at me.

Jane tilted her head.  “Her daughters?”

I shook my head. “No.  They don't want anything to do with her.  They are with her ex.”