Broken Road (2 page)

“I have to go.
 
Taylor's calling for me.” She lied.

"Okay. I'll see you later."

“All right.” she quickly hung up the phone and decided to give herself five minutes to fall apart. Five whole minutes to mourn the man she loved and would be burying in 24 hours or so. Her mother had the boys eating some lunch downstairs in the kitchen. She was grateful for her presence and her help. Since they received the awful news there had been little time to think about anything but the funeral preparations, the dozens of calls from friends, family and the media. Exhausted, she wiped her eyes again and lay down on the bed she had shared with Shane in what seemed now to be another life.
 
As she lay down, her eyes fell on the frame holding her favorite picture of Shane. She kept it next to her side of the bed. In it he was sitting on a beat up camping chair, dressed in an old college t-shirt and shorts, looking straight into the camera with the most peaceful smile she had ever seen grace his face. She had taken the picture during their very last camping trip before he had been deployed. She reached out to touch the glass frame. It was a genuine smile. After the difficulties of the past few years, he seemed content, even happy, and in that moment it managed to capture the very essence of the man, who from the moment she met him, exuded confidence and dependability. The camping trip had always been an annual thing for them as a family. It was true that Brenda was not a fan of camping but the boys loved it and Shane looked forward to it like a kid at Christmas. She figured it reminded him of the little Nebraska town where he had spent countless summers with his grandparents. When she first met him during a visit to see her brother Mark away at college, she thought his small town farm boy act was something he’d cooked up to get her attention. He struck her as much older than most of the other students she’d seen walking around campus. He was tall, towering over her, when he stood up to make room for her in the restaurant booth where the three of them were eating. He was definitely lean but muscular, his dark brown hair was cut military style and he had a faint scar below his left eye. His eyes were a dark brown and when he put out a hand to greet her when she first arrived he gave her a smile that turned up on one side revealing a deep but attractive dimple. Conversation was easy with Shane and they found themselves talking about classes they loved, hated or wanted to take, campus life and life in general. During the meal Shane talked about his grandparent’s farm like it was heaven on earth and small town living like it was something she had to try if she was ever going to know what real living was. She remembered laughing at him and his descriptions of feeding cattle and mucking stalls, riding tractors and detasseling corn. Didn’t it sound like fun, he had asked her while she rolled her eyes and shook her head with an emphatic
no
. After all, she told him, she would soon be a serious freshman on a full scholarship and unlike her brother or his friend she had no interest in living it up in the dorms, wasting time with dating or living anywhere near a farm. She wanted to travel the world, do meaningful work and live as far away from the Midwest as possible. He told her that he had plans to become an officer in the United States Army and was close to finishing
 
his degree. He’d always been good with numbers, sports and taking orders- especially from pretty girls. He winked at her and flashed her that endearing crooked smile with the dimple. She remembered how Mark elbowed him so hard in the ribs that he actually cried out in pain and how she pretended not to notice. It had been apparent then that Mark seemed to know exactly what his friend was doing; he must have seen him do it a hundred times before, but this time it was his little sister on the receiving end and he didn’t like it one bit. Nevertheless, it didn’t stop Shane from talking to her as if Mark wasn’t even sitting there. He planned to take it all the way, he said, which meant going wherever the Army sent him after graduation, becoming an officer and eventually retiring back in that little town that had everything he wanted.
Like the cows, the tractors and the corn tassels?
She remembered how he burst out laughing when she said it. He smiled at her again and she couldn’t help but find him attractive and somewhat charming. Sure, Shane agreed with her, it had everything he wanted except for one thing. That’s when she rolled her eyes at Mark and took a sip of her watered down soft drink. He grimaced sympathetically as if to say he was sorry about the whole thing. She knew what was coming. Shane would say that the only thing missing was a pretty girl like her to give him orders. She waited for him to say it.
 
Instead, he paused a moment before saying that the only thing missing would be the grandparents, who had lived in that little town and who had passed away when he was a kid. She didn’t know what to say after that. She looked at Mark, who looked back at her and shrugged. He seemed dumbstruck. She guessed that this wasn’t usually how the line went. After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence, Shane finished up his beer, took out some money to cover the bill, thanked them both for a nice time and told Mark he had to get back to the dorms. He gave Mark a friendly pat on the back and shook her hand saying he hoped they might run into each other again when she finally got to campus. She nodded and then he was gone. They didn’t see each other again until one night when Shane and Mark stepped into her own campus coffee shop looking for her as part of an impromptu visit hundreds of miles from their school. Her roommate had told them where to find her and even though she had studying of her own to do she couldn’t help feeling nervous and excited when she saw Shane. She waved them over and fell once more into easy conversation with him again while her brother Mark kept to himself. She didn’t realize how late it was and stood up to leave when Shane offered to walk her back to the dorm and much to Mark’s surprise she said yes. On the way back to her room they didn’t talk much until Shane broke the silence and asked if she would consider going out with him.
 
It took her much less time than she would have wanted to say yes.
 
She didn’t want to look too eager especially after all she had told him about not wanting to date anyone. But at that moment she didn’t really care.
 
He was fun, attractive, studious, goal oriented, and interested in her. The details and the distance seemed inconsequential. That was the beginning. The beginning of a friendship, a relationship, and eventually a life together that ended abruptly on a road outside of Baghdad. Her head was pounding from all the thoughts, all the memories. The one thing she took comfort in was the fact that he loved Callan and Taylor. That’s why he lived for the times when he could take the boys fishing and riding on their bikes. During that final camping trip they explored every inch of the campgrounds, ate every s’more, sang every silly fire camp song they could remember and had the time of their lives. The last trip hadn’t seemed any different except that it really was. It was the little things she noticed then that made it all the more special now. She remembered the way Shane held Taylor on his lap and whispered silly secret things into to his ear as they roasted marshmallows over the campfire. She could still hear Taylor’s giggles filling the hot, humid night air. She could still hear the serious conversation Shane had with Callan about earning his Eagle Badge for Scouts. He regretted, she knew, the fact that his deployment meant Cal would be working on it alone maybe with some help from his mother.
 
Shane was right, Callan was disappointed because they’d spent almost a year planning the project that father and son felt would guarantee Cal the Eagle Badge.
 
She had been privy to some of the information but on a very limited basis. Now, almost a year and a half later, Cal’s project had come to a standstill. What were they going to do about it?
 
She willed herself to remember but her mind was filled with the image of Shane looking out at her with that peaceful smile plastered all over his face that she couldn’t think straight.
 
God, she needed to fill her mind with that image, she thought so she could fight off the ones that were still coming.
 
In a few short hours they would go to the airport to meet the plane carrying Shane home and talk with Earl Hanley the assistant funeral director over at Memorial Park about the arrangements. She looked out the window of their bedroom and watched the wind sway the branches on the old oak outside. How many times had they laid there together watching the birds land, the wind move through the leaves, the frost drip off the branches and the seasons go by?
 
Not enough, she thought.
 
Her cell phone rang and she hesitated, closed her eyes and willed it to stop.
 
It kept ringing. She reached for it.

"Hello?"

"Brenda?" It wasn't a voice she was expecting.

"Jon?"
 

"I know I said I wouldn't call but. . ."
 

"I can't talk right now."

"I just want to know that you're okay." She fought the urge to let everything out, to cry and to share her pain with him.

"I can't talk to you, Jon.
 
My mother's here taking care of the boys and I..."

"Please. I just want to help."

"This isn't helping."
 

"Let me be there for you. I promise I won't butt in.
 
We don't have to talk. I'll sit at the back of the church. Then later when things are quiet I can meet you somewhere.
 
We can get a cup of coffee and talk.”

The thought of having him there both tempted and repulsed her but the comforting sound of his voice made it difficult for her to think clearly.

"No."

"You need someone to be there with you. I can be there in a couple of hours."

"Mom's here and so is Mark. I'll be fine."

"You don't sound fine," he said and she sighed. She wanted to say yes. She wanted to have a familiar shoulder to lean on, someone who understood her and what her life had been like since Shane deployed again. God help her but for the longest time now that person had been Captain Jon Procter, a base psychiatrist she’d met through the Unit FRG to which her family belonged. All spouses and family members of attached or assigned active duty service men and women are invited to be part of Family Readiness Groups or FRGs consisting of family, volunteers and civilians ready to provide help, information and moral support before, during and after deployment. It was during Shane’s deployments that she and Captain Procter had gotten to know each other. So much life happens while a soldier is away, she thought, especially during war and while talking to Shane on the phone or even seeing him via the computer helped to quell the lingering ache of loneliness that ate away at her these things were stark reminders that something would always stand between them as long as they chose military life. What struck her as odd was her relationship with Jon Procter. Wasn’t he also in the military? Hadn’t he also chosen a life of unquestioned orders?
It didn’t matter.
She and Jon had been acquaintances for almost three years, close friends for two and something more for almost a year. It was that something more that was coming back to haunt her now in the midst of the nightmare she was living.
 

"I'm not fine." She admitted.

"Then let me help. Let me come see you."

"Jon, you being here with my family, with the boys at Shane's. . ." she couldn't bring herself to say the word
funeral
, "well, I'm not sure that's the best idea."

"No one knows about us."

"I know, Jon, and so do you."
 

There was silence on the other end.

"We never mean to hurt anyone, Brenda."

"No, we didn't. I want to keep it that way."

"For how long?"

"I don't know. I can't even think about it right now."

"It's not what I want."

"It's what I want."

"I can wait as long as it takes."

Brenda felt the tears start down her face.
 

"No more waiting, Jon. There's been enough waiting. I waited for Shane. I know what that feels like and what it does to you.
 
I can't have you waiting for me."

"Brenda... "

"I've got to go we're meeting Shane's plane in a little bit."

"I love you." He whispered and she closed her eyes trying to ignore the pain his words caused her.

"I'm sorry."
 

"Don't be."

"Please don't call me anymore."

"Maybe after some time has passed we can sort things out."

"If you love me you won't call."
 

"I do love you. I'll wait."

"Goodbye, Jon." She said and hung up.

The plane landed 20 minutes ahead of schedule.
 
Mark led her to the tarmac, followed by Callan, her mother and Taylor.
 
They stood in a tiny receiving line as Earl Hanley walked toward them.“Mrs. Jenner, my deepest sympathies for your loss.” He said taking her hands in his own as he stood next to a large silver hearse on the tarmac, preparing to receive the flag-draped casket that contained Shane Jenner’s remains. Brenda wished it were earlier in the day so she could put on a large pair of dark sunglasses to hide her red puffy eyes and the forthcoming tears. “Is this everyone?” Earl Hanley asked looking behind her. She nodded and was suddenly aware that many of the passengers on the plane that had brought Shane home were staring out at them from the brightly lit cabin. She was certain they were looks of sorrow and pity. She imagined that just before Shane’s casket exited the plane that the pilot would ask the passengers to observe a moment of silence for the fallen hero. She raised her head up a little. Maybe they couldn’t really see her standing out here in the dark but she was resolved to meet this head on. No more tears.
Be strong!
She had promised herself she wouldn’t break down. If she did how could she be strong for Callan and Taylor? Poor Taylor! Would he even remember this night? Would he even remember Shane? She kept it together until the plane door opened and she saw a soldier in full uniform descending the stairs. The left sleeve of his uniform had been neatly pinned up. He was missing an arm. Then, the cargo bay of the plane opened and a large conveyor belt, usually reserved for luggage removal was moved into place by airport staff. She wasn’t sure she could breathe for a moment. Mr. Hanley looked over at Mark and he knowingly reached out an arm to support her just in case she was planning on passing out. She was grateful because she felt all the wind had been knocked out of her the moment her eyes fell on the casket making its way down the conveyor belt.
 
Maybe it had been a mistake, coming here and doing this. She felt so alone even with everyone here.
 
No. Not alone.
She looked over at Callan, who looked pale and lost with his arms crossed in front of him just staring out into space. He had taken the news just as badly as any of them but he had been quiet since they found out, shutting himself away in his room, locking the door, putting on his headphones, refusing to come down to eat, to talk, to do anything. Then, she looked over at her mother, who had her arms around Taylor. He was also quiet. When they had told him the news it was as though he understood what they were telling him but he didn’t scream or cry or ask too many questions. When Brenda thought about it she wondered if it was just that Taylor was used to a life where his father had only been home briefly between deployments. Each homecoming had signaled to Taylor a series of fun events like the camping trips or extra time with Shane playing in the back yard, going to the pool, eating too much ice cream and candy, staying up late and making a mess by wrestling in the living room in order to make up for lost time. He was probably used to being told his father wouldn’t be coming home for a while but how could his little mind wrap itself around the truth that Shane would never be coming home again? Holding onto his grandmother's hands, Taylor was rocking back and forth against her legs. She looked at both her boys and saw that Shane could be found in both of them. She could see him in the way Callan was standing, the slight wave of his hair and even the sadness that filled his eyes was reminiscent of the look Brenda saw more and more after each deployment. She could also see Shane in the shape of Taylor’s face, the color of his hair, the way his mouth turned up in a crooked smile as he looked up at his grandmother. She willed herself not to be taken over by the emptiness. Not yet. She refused to feel the void she knew was starting to grow in her chest. They waited for what seemed like a painful eternity as Shane’s escort, a soldier of equal rank assigned at Dover Air Force Base traveling with Shane’s casket, waited for it to make its way down the luggage ramp and onto the tarmac. It was like watching an eerie and ghostly display. The reality of what was happening didn’t seem to dawn on her until she saw Earl Hanley step forward and then go around to the back of the hearse, open the door and then step away to let his assistants place the casket inside. She didn’t know whether to go back there and meet them or to stay where she was. So she didn’t move. As they slid the casket into the hearse she saw Earl Hanley say something to the escort. When the casket was safely inside of the hearse the soldier came forward and stood in front of her. He explained what an honor it had been to bring Shane home. He would be at the funeral and he would meet with them in private to return some of Shane’s personal effects. Brenda stood silently looking at the man dressed in uniform.