Broken Like Glass (11 page)

I spend the next week and a half hiding in my cabin.
Moody May has turned into hot June. The deck is covered for the most part, so I sit on the deck, watching the birds. My groceries seem to last, but it helps when you have no appetite.

The first couple of days, Uriah comes to the cabin trying to talk to me. I stand behind the locked door and tell him to go away.

The depth of my darkness seems to have no end like those caves in the movie when they throw a stone and you never hear it hit bottom.

Papa keeps trying to talk to me, but I am in no mood to listen. I want to want to listen. I desperately want to talk to Papa, but I’m battered and bruised and broken. I think Papa has done all this stuff to me and He’s mean. He’s punishing me for stabbing my daddy. I don’t know why He let all the other bad stuff happen to me, but I figure I’m due bad because I’ve been bad, somehow.

I think on the conversation in the woods. I try to remember He loves me, but all my hurt keeps me distant and deaf. My soul keeps crying out for my Savior, but my broken heart keeps pushing Him away. It’s a war in my spirit which leaves me feeling exasperated and confused.

I called Chrissy the first few times and she bought my excuse, but today when I call, she says she’ll see me at eleven. I still can’t walk on my ankle, so I call Uriah and he gives me a ride.

As I get in the truck, he says, “I’m glad you called.” He’s all vibrant and light and beautiful.

“My ankle still hurts.”

“Is that the only reason you called?”

“Yes.”

“You feeling okay?”

“Yes.”

“You gonna give me more than one-word answers?”

“No.”

“Talk to me, Lills.”

“I don’t want to talk, Uriah. I just want to go to my therapy session and come home.”

“You going to talk to Chrissy?”

“No.”

“She’s not going to like that.”

I purse my lips and look out the window. I’m done small-talking. If my ankle didn’t still hurt, I’d be walking to my appointment.

Uriah goes on talking, acting like I’m not in a sour mood. “I’ve been helping Chrissy with her wedding.” His cheerful spirit touches my melancholy and I wither under the exposure. After what happened with Bo, I can’t seem to shake the fog that has settled in and around me.

“I don’t need an explanation of what you do with your time. You aren’t obligated to me.” Not having spoken to anyone since Bo left, I don’t realize how detached and foreign I sound to my own ears.

“I wasn’t giving you an explanation because I feel obligated. I was talking to you because I haven’t seen you in a while. I’ve missed you.”

I nod and look out the window.

“Lilly, did something happen?” Uriah sounds worried.

I grunt. “Nothing that needs sharing.”

Uriah stops talking after that. When he drops me off at therapy, I tell him thank you and walk to her office.

Chrissy greets me with a smile as I walk in. I take my place in the chair with my hands folded in my lap. I can’t fight the gloom I feel. Chrissy sits down across from me and studies me for a while. “Lilly, are you okay?”

“You should call Judge Kringle and tell him I’ve stopped cooperating. I’m not talking anymore.”

“But you’ve been doing great.”

“Well, I’m done.”

Chrissy looks at me slack jawed. Her face is etched with even more concern now. “No, Lilly. I won’t.”

“I deserve it. I did it. People saw me do it. I stabbed my daddy in the Thriftway. I don’t care why I did it and neither should anyone else.”

She looks desperate now. I used to feel desperate so I know how it feels, but I’ve got nothing left in me to help her. Chrissy is shell shocked. I can tell her mind is running a mile a minute. Trying to figure out what to do. How to help me.

“There’s no help for girls like me, Chrissy. I’ll tell the judge you did your best. You tried with all your might, but there was just nothing to cure what I got. I’m bad and bad girls go to jail. It’s okay, Chrissy, really.” I don’t even try to catch the tears that fall.

Then something happens that sends an earthquake all the way to my very core. Chrissy stands up, walks over, kneels down and hugs me. Not just hugs me but holds me tight like she can feel me slipping and she’s the only thing to keep me from falling off the edge. The show of affection is more than I expected. I expected a cold, therapist distance, but Chrissy is giving me something I needed and was too proud to ask for at that moment.

“Lilly, I’m so sorry for what has happened to you. I can’t take back anything that’s been done to you. I wish I could. Oh, you have no idea how much I wish I could. In school and youth group, you were always the one with a quick come back, the funny girl who made everyone laugh. I was so envious of you because you had such an ease like you didn’t care who liked you or what was popular. You were comfortable being you and it made me so jealous.”

“I was jealous of you ‘cause you were so pretty and popular. Misty hated you and that was good enough reason to think you were wonderful,” I say.

Chrissy lets me go. “Look at us. Assuming something about the other and never really finding the truth. We could have been such good friends had I been smarter.”

I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand. “You wouldn’t have wanted to be my friend. It’s best you steer clear of me.”

“When I’m no longer your doctor, we’re going to be best friends, you and me. The best girlfriends either of us has ever had.”

I purse my lips and try to hold back any more tears. “I can’t talk to Papa right now. I’m mad at Him so I’m going to tell you some stuff so I won’t be so mad and maybe I can talk to Papa again. I’m desperate for Him.”

“Papa?”

“Uriah thinks I’m squirrelly. I call Jesus, Papa. I talk to Him a lot. He sits on my deck, and we have long spells where we just visit.”

Chrissy nods. Her eyes look a little watery.

“Bo came to my cabin and had me kiss him. I didn’t want to kiss him, but he said if I did he would accept that I didn’t have feelings for him. He’d accept that we were just friends.”

“You didn’t want to kiss him.”

“I didn’t want to kiss him, but I’d heard that tone before. You know the one where someone says one thing, but they mean another? The one where you know if you don’t do what they say they’ll make you anyway?”

“I do.”

“Well, that’s the tone Bo had. That’s the tone one of Lucy’s step boys had. That’s the tone Mr. Marlin had. They say they want you to make the decision, but it’s really them that makes it. They aren’t really giving you an option. They say they are, but they aren’t.”

Chrissy’s mouth parts, her eyes go wide, and she gasps.

“One of Lucy’s boys, he put me and him under a blanket. Did things. Lucy caught us. Washed his mouth out with soap. I always thought she had him wash the wrong part. I told momma. She said to never speak of it. That if I didn’t speak of it, I’d forget it. I didn’t forget, but anytime I tried to bring it up, momma would tell me to stop it. I was living in the past and nothing could help the past. That the best thing to do was just let it go from my memory.”

“And Mr. Marlin?”

“His wife needed help from time to time. Momma would have me go over there and help her, and he’d catch me alone. Touch me. Kiss me. I don’t know how many times. I’d tell my momma, but she’d just think I was telling lies. She’d bust me and tell me I shouldn’t tell stories.”

“Mr. Marlin?”

My mouth is opening. I know I’m saying things, but my ears turn off so I just keep talking like I’m not really there. “One of the last times I was at his house. He caught me alone. Put his hands all over me. Down my pants. Up my shirt. I can still smell the nasty cologne he wore. The smell of cigarettes and alcohol on his breath as he shoved his tongue down my throat and felt me up.” I can’t stop myself from retching. Bile pours out of my mouth so fast I can’t stop it.

Chrissy jumps and grabs the trash bucket. She snatches the box of tissue on the coffee table and hands it to me.

I wipe my mouth and realize I’m pouring all my secrets into the room. The black water that was inside me is now threatening to fill the room and drown me.

“And Bo? Did he…” She stops before she gets to the hard word.

“He just had me kiss him. I just don’t think he would have been okay if I hadn’t. I’d seen that look before. Felt that…” I retch again. This time, it’s dry heaves.

She takes a deep breath as I wipe my mouth again.

“I feel black and dirty and worthless and trashy.”

“Lilly, you aren’t. You aren’t any of those things. The people who did those things to you are black and dirty and worthless and trashy.”

“Papa said the same thing, but I don’t know how to stop feeling it.”

Chrissy shakes her head and her lips tremble. “I don’t know either, but you and me and Papa will keep talking until we do, you hear me?”

My mouth has a mind of its own today and I keep spilling my words all over the room. “Uriah says he loves me, but I don’t know if I can love anyone, Chrissy. And Uriah, he deserves all the best things this world has to offer. He’s bright and loving and…wonderful. If I were to ever love someone, it’d be him, but I can’t let my darkness leak out onto him. I can’t see him like that.”

I don’t think Chrissy knows how to respond. What’s there to say? But she composes herself and looks me in the eyes. Her face is so soft and full of kindness. Like Papa gets sometimes when we’re talking. “Lilly, sometimes, Jesus, or as you like to call Him, Papa, brings people into our lives to love us because He loves us so much. I’ve known Uriah as long as you have, and I can tell you without question Uriah loves you. I think maybe you should just let Papa work on your darkness and let yourself have just a taste of something good. You may not feel like you deserve anything good, but I’m here to tell you, you do.”

I roll my eyes and snort.

“I’m not saying walk out these doors and profess your undying love to Uriah. I’m saying, do your best to keep from pushing him away. When you get in his truck, slide over in the seat and hug him like you are hanging on for dear life. Tell him you’re glad he’s there or you’re happy he’s picking you up. Something small. Something that you can handle.”

I bite my lip, look down at my hands, and then back at Chrissy. “I can try.”

“That’s all anyone can do and you are one of the strongest people I’ve met in a long time, Lilly. I know your try will be the hardest.”

At that moment, I see Chrissy Blakely in a way I’ve never seen her before. I see someone I’ve underestimated. Someone I’ve mocked and hurt. My heart hurts, and I can’t take back what I’ve thought about her, but I make a promise to myself and Papa that I’ll never think those things again. “Chrissy?”

“Yeah, Lilly?”

“Thank you for being my therapist.”

Chrissy doesn’t say a word. She pulls me out of the chair, hugs me, and whispers, “Thank you for being my patient.”

Before I leave Chrissy’s office,
I stop in the bathroom to splash water on my face. I don’t want Uriah to see that I’ve been crying. As if a little water could rinse away my grief. My mouth feels nasty so I swish it with water. My reflection in the mirror looks like someone’s been beaten.

“You look tired,” I say to myself.

“I feel tired,” I respond back.

I wipe my hands, gather myself together, and step out of Chrissy’s office onto the sidewalk. Uriah has waited for me right out front. Chrissy’s words swirl in my mind. As I stand on the sidewalk, looking through the window at Uriah, something washes over me. I don’t have a definition for it because it’s something I’ve never felt before.

Uriah takes notice I’m standing there and leans over to roll down the window. “Hey, Lilly, what are you doing just standing there?”

My feet start walking, and before I know it, I’m in Uriah’s truck. He looks at me funny. I slip across the seat, coil my arms around his neck, and hold on so tight there’s a good chance I’m suffocating him. “Thank you for picking me up and buying my groceries and getting me grape soda and putting up with my sharp tongue.”

He slips his arms around me and holds me to him tightly, burying his face in my neck. “You’re welcome, Lilly, you’re welcome.”

I hold on to him like my life depends on it. For some unknown reason, I just can’t let go. I know people are going to stop and stare and wonder what’s going on in Uriah’s truck, but I just can’t bring myself to care.

“Lilly, are you okay?”

“No. I’m not. I’m not okay. I haven’t been okay. I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay. I’ll never be good enough for you. I’ll never be what you need or anything.” The words come out fast and furious. My voice is wavering and my heart hurts ‘cause I don’t want Uriah to know all this stuff.

Uriah holds me tighter. “I’m here. I’ll always be here. I don’t care about good enough or any of that stuff. I’ve waited for you this long. I can wait as long as you need me to wait.”

I push back until I’m looking him in the eyes. “I’m trouble. You know that, right?”

He smiles his warm toothy smile. The one that makes me feel so smooshy. “I can handle it.”

“Are you hungry?”

“I thought you’d never ask. You want to go somewhere in town?”

“I almost forgot I’m grounded. Would you go grocery shopping for me and we’ll eat back at the cabin?”

Uriah nods. “You gonna burn me some water?”

“I’m gonna fix you the best PB&J you’ve ever eaten.” I smile and wiggle my eyebrows.

It sends him into a fit of laughter. He throws his head back, pulls me to him, and hugs me like the world doesn’t exist.

When he lets me go, he keeps me in the seat right next to him. I like the feel of being wanted. It’s a new feeling, and a feeling I could get used to real quick. I sit in the truck at the grocery store. Not enough time has passed that I feel like I can go in there yet.

While I sit in the truck, I watch as people come and go. I have my feet on the dash, doing my people watching, when my day goes south. My daddy is at the Thriftway, and for a moment, I think he’s missed me, but he doesn’t. His eyes lock with mine and my heart races. I can’t breathe, I can’t move, and I can’t think.

I can’t even talk about him so talking to him is out of the question, but I don’t think he understands that because when he sees me, he starts in my direction. I fumble for the lock on the door, and then reach over and lock the driver’s door. The windows are up and it’s a million degrees outside. Good thing the air conditioning works because there was no way I was rolling down the windows.

Daddy makes it to the truck in record time. His eyes peer through the window at me. He jiggles the door handle and then pounds on the window so hard I think it’s going to bust. “Come out of there Lillian Louise James. Come out now!”

I shake my head.

“You come out of there right now. Just ‘cause I didn’t press charges, don’t mean you don’t need a good old fashioned butt whoopin’!”

“No. I’m not coming out,” I yell back.

“Girl,” he starts unbuckling his belt and pulls it off, “when I get a hold of you, you’re gonna wish your momma was still alive.”

My daddy is in his late seventies, but you wouldn’t know it the way he carries on. I’m still scared of him to this day. It’s why I haven’t been home in so many years. He didn’t even know where I lived because I was afraid of him. I came home to visit because I thought I could manage being around him just a couple of days.

My head is swimming. I’m gulping air because I feel like I’m being strangled.

Daddy pounds on the window harder and yelling louder. I can see people starting to stand around and stare. I’m so embarrassed, but there’s not a thing I can do. “You just wait, Lillian. The next time I catch you, you won’t be able to get away from me and I’ll show you. I’ll show you just what I do to little girls that hurt me. I’ll show you, you can bet on that!” He keeps yelling and pounding.

I put my hands up to my ears and close my eyes.

“Please, Papa, please come rescue me.”

“You get away from my truck!” I hear Uriah’s loud, military voice.

I look to see what’s happening. My daddy’s back is to the truck. “You can’t tell me what to do, son,” my daddy smarts back. “That’s my youngin’ in that truck and she’s due a whippin’.”

“That’s my truck, and she’s my girl, and you’ll leave them both alone or you’ll deal with me.” Uriah isn’t taking any crap from my daddy.

My daddy mumbles something I can’t make out, but he leaves. Uriah waits until he’s gone into the store and then I unlock the door. Uriah reaches in and grabs me. I wrap my arms around his neck and the sobs that slip out come from a place I thought I’d escaped a long time ago.

“It’s okay, Lilly. I’m here,” he says, his voice soothing and kind. He rubs his hand up and down my back trying to reassure me, but I know my daddy isn’t going to let this go. My daddy will be sure to make good on his threats. “Y’all go home,” he says to the rubber neckers.

My face is hidden in his chest so I can’t see who he’s talking to. I don’t care just as long as they go. What floats to my mind next, shatters me to pieces.

Daddy will hurt Uriah.

Either he’ll hurt him physically or he’ll use me to do it. Most people in this town see a sweet old man. They don’t know what he’s like when the doors shut. They don’t know his mean streak. They don’t know his meanness, but I do. I was the subject of it from the time I was about seven to the time I left for college.

Daddy loved me until I learned to talk. Then he didn’t love me so much anymore because he said my mouth was too big for my britches. I can’t count the number of times my momma took a lashing from my daddy because she stood between us. She wasn’t always home though and when she wasn’t, he’d take advantage of it.

I shiver just thinking about it.

Uriah lets me go and holds my face looking me over. “Are you okay?”

I shrug. “Fine as I can be I guess.”

“I’ll call Bo. Maybe he can get Judge Kringle to give you a little wiggling room and we can go to the next town over so you can have a break.”

I close my eyes and purse my lips.

“What?”

“Don’t call Bo. We aren’t friends anymore.”

I can’t look at Uriah. I can’t face him and tell him what I did. He’ll never look at me the same. He’ll see I’m dirty and worthless.

“Why? What happened?”

I frown and cast my eyes at the pavement. “Please don’t make me tell.”

Uriah tips my chin up and makes me look him in the eyes. “I’ve been easy up to this point, but I want to know what happened, Lilly. You and Bo been best friends for years so something pretty bad had to have happened.”

Oh, Papa, what am I to do.

The day has been hot and stale, but right then, a warm wind picks up and tosses my hair like a flag in a tornado.

It’s Papa. I can feel it in my heart He wants me to tell. My choices are pretty clear. Either be obedient or don’t.

“Can I tell you at home?”

Uriah looks around. He’s forgotten we’re standing in the parking lot of the Thriftway. We don’t have any onlookers anymore, but I still don’t want to talk here. If my daddy comes back out, he’ll make another scene.

“Get in the truck. Lock the doors. I’m going back in and getting the groceries. If he comes back, you honk the horn like crazy and I’ll be right here. You hear?”

“Okay,” I say and hop back in the truck. I lock the doors and watch as Uriah marches back into the grocery store like a man on a mission.