Broken Glass (20 page)

I didn’t reply.

“And as far as your mental condition
—
” She began, but I looked up at her quickly.

“You still think I’m crazy, don’t you?” I asked her in the quietest voice I could muster.

“Crazy isn’t the word I’d use,” she replied, frowning. “Ava, you’re not crazy. You’re not nuts, you don’t have screws loose in your head, and you certainly couldn’t be considered insane. But you’re not well. Mentally and emotionally you’re still very sick and until I see some major improvement, and until I see that the treatments here are working for you, I
cannot
let you go home. You understand that, don’t you?”

“Three strikes and you’re out?” I whispered, with a bitter chuckle. “Sometimes I wished I’d just succeeded the third time so people wouldn’
t have to worry about my incurable
mental sickness.”

“Saying things like that won’t help your situation any,” Julianne told me firmly. Then, her face softened, and she added, “But, on a lighter note, you’re going to be able to make day trips home.”

I didn’t smile, or even act like I was happy, though inside I was grateful. My mom had been
the only one left in my life
and I’d pushed her away. I wanted more than anything to go home to her
, even if it was temporary
.

“
Thanks,” I mumbled. Suddenly, t
here was a knock on the door.

“Come in,” Julianne called. I turned and watched my mother enter the room. I stood up to face her.

She looked terrible. Thin, pale, tired.

“Hi, Mom,” I said, softly. She managed a smile and gave me an awkward hug.

“Hello, Julianne,” my mom greeted as we pulled away.

“I’m not going home, Mom,” I blurted out, my eyes meeting hers. I was surprised to see something like relief pass through her face. It made me angry.

“How long will she have to stay?” Mom turned to Julianne.

Julianne didn’t answer right away. Instead, she shuffled through some papers on her desk, before letting out a heavy sigh. She finally looked up at my mother.

“Twelve months.”

I remember a wave of nausea coming over me, causing me to fall backwards. Then, everything went black.

14.

I wa
s only out for maybe thirty seconds
. When I came to, I was still on the floor, now cradled in my mother’s arms. My first thought was that I was dead…actually, it was also my first
hope
. When I realized I was still very much alive and that I would be in this institution for the next year, a huge wave of anger hit me.

I sat up, violently shaking off my mother’s gentle grip. She stepped back, unsure of what to do. I got to my feet, ignoring the sudden dizziness that came over me. I walked up to Julianne’s desk an
d looked at her, hard
.

“Why?” I asked. She just shook her head.

“I told you why,” she responded, tiredly. “Ava, you can’t expect me to just let you go home because I like you. You have to get better.”

“Is there any chance she might be able to get out earlier?” My mother spoke up. “If she shows signs of improvement?”

“I’m afraid not,” Julianne said, standing up from her desk chair. “Her chance to get out of a long-term commitment to Craneville was today. She had two months, Mrs. Darton. She failed to meet the few health and mental expectations we asked of her. I have no other choice but to give her twelve months institutionalized here.”

The room fell quiet and even I had no
rebuttal to this. There it was,
laid out plain and simple. It was my own fault that I wasn’t in any shape to go home. I knew I’d skimped out on eating right, on sleeping, on even trying to get better.

“Well, I think I’ll go to my room now,” I finally said, turning away from both of them and heading to the door. Neither Julianne or Mom tried to stop me as I walked out of the office.

Nurse Josephine was standing at the doors leading into Ward 4.

“Hey, baby!” she smiled at me. “What’s the word? You leavin’ us?”

“No,” I said. “Can I get in, please?” She looked at me for a second, and I wondered if she was surprised, or if she’d really seen this coming. She punched in the code and stepped aside as the ward doors slid open.

“Thank you,” I said and walked into the ward. Aurelia and Channing were standing there.

“How’d your evaluation go?” Aurelia asked immediately. I didn’t answer her as I went into my room, closing the door behind me. It didn’t take Aurelia two seconds to barge in after me.

“Hey, I asked you a question!” she said. “Are you in or out, cheerleader?”

I slowly turned around to look at her.

“Get out of my room,” I said, calmly. She just stared.

“No,” she smirked, putting her hands on her hips. She leaned forward until her face was only inches from mine. “Are you going home?”

“Get out of my face, Aurelia,” I told her. She
didn’t move. I
put
my hands
on her shoulders, gently pushing her away from me. I wasn’t a violent person and I wasn’t going to start now.

“Please leave,” I said and turned away from her again. I heard her mumble something under her breath before stalking out of my room. I let out a tired sigh.

“How much longer are you in for?”

I turned around and saw Channing standing there in my doorway.

“A year,” I whispered, sitting down on my bed.

“Oh,” she replied. “My evaluation is tomorrow.”

I nodded.

“I hope you come out better than I did,” I murmured. Tears were forming in my eyes. She didn’t say anything. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her walk away. But then she came back.

“Julianne wouldn’t make you stay unless you needed to,” she said, softly. “Some say the best things in life are also the worst.”

“Who says that?” I asked her, not looking up.

“Peo
ple,” she said simply. “See you later.
”

“See you later
.”

And she was gone.

I lay down on my bed and closed my eyes. I saw Tyson’s face immediately. Once again I asked myself why, why,
why
had all this happened?

“Ava?”

I opened my eyes.

“Yes, Mom?”

“Do you mind if I come in?” she asked.

“I don’t care,” I replied. I didn’t make any effort to sit up or acknowledge her presence properly.

“Ava, Julianne’s a good woman,” she said. “Everything will turn out all right for you, Ava. I just know it.”

I wanted to shout
at her.
I felt like all she wanted was a full-time babysitter for me
—
someone else to take care of me so she wouldn’t have to. She, along with everyone else, thought I was crazy and nuts, no matter what Julianne said. Who wants to have a psycho for a daughter or a friend? No one. And I knew it. And it hurt.

“Are you going to talk to me?” Mom asked, and I could hear the desperation in her voice. I didn’t reply. I closed my eyes and waited. She would leave sooner or later.

I was surprised when she
did actually leave the room abruptly
. I hadn’t expected her to really leave.
. I sat up after she’d slammed the door.

“You didn’t even try to defend me,” I said aloud, talking to the door. “You didn’t even
try
.”

The next day, word had spread fast about me failing my evaluation. As soon as I walked into the
activities room for breakfast, I was getting sympathy looks left and right. The old nurses sitting at the food tables were a little more candid about it than most, assuring me very loudly that everything would be okay and that a year would fly by. I wanted to punch them in their big mouths.

I sat with Henry and Shakespeare, as usual, though over the past week or so, Channing had also been sitting with us. Aurelia now sat alone and sulked through every meal.

I sat down at the table and greeted the three of them. It was an awkward quiet for a minute and I knew I would have to address the fact that I’d be at Craneville for another year before everyone could get comfortable.

“Listen, I know you all know about my evaluation,” I said abruptly. No one said anything.

“It’s okay,” I said, with a heavy sigh. “It’s what’s going to happen and there’s no sense
in
acting like I just died, so let’s resume things as normal, can we?”

Henry chuckled. Shakespeare nodded and started to eat. Channing was the one to actually start a “normal” conversation.

“I was thinking about asthma this morning,” she said. We all just looked at her. She smiled at us.

“Yeah,” she went on. “I was thinking about asthma...I used to have it when I was little. Really bad. Every week, I was having an asthma attack. I almost died a few times, actually. I just couldn’t get any air. But now...now, everything is fine. I don’t have it. It’s like I never had it. I
t’s like I never almost died...i
t’s the weirdest feeling. Knowing that I could’ve died. But I didn’t. And if I had died, no one would have known that the asthma would just disappear later in my life and if I were to die, something completely different would kill me.”

It was quiet for a moment, and then I burst out laughing. Henry and Shakespeare started in as well, and before we knew it, the four of us were in tears.

I realized then that if Channing passed her evaluation that day, I would miss her.

After a short group therapy session that afternoon, I pulled Channing aside.

“I hope it all goes really well in there,” I murmured to her. She gave me a surprised look and smiled slightly.

“Thanks, Ava,” she said. I nodded and we walked towards the activities room.

“Hey, Ava,” Channing said suddenly, stopping abruptly and turning to me.

“Yeah?”

“You’re gonna be okay,” she said, softly. I just looked at her.

“You’re gonna be okay,” she repeated, stepping forward and wrapping her arms around me. I stiffened, surprised by her gesture. The hug was brief, but it said so much. When she pulled away, I thought I saw a glimmer of tears in her eyes.

“Channing
—
” I started, but she just held up her hand.

“I gotta get to Julianne’s office,” she said quickly. She turned and walked off.

An hour and a half later, when I was walking out of the activities room with Henry and Shakespeare, I saw Channing, along with Julianne and a tall blonde woman, walking out of Julianne’s office. There was a large smile on Channing’s face.

My stomach dropped.

“Channing!” I called out. She turned towards me as I rushed over to her. She didn’t stop smiling.

“Y-you’re going home?” I guessed. She nodded.

I looked over at Julianne, who was gazing at me thoughtfully.

“Mora,” Julianne turned to the tall blonde lady. “There’s some paperwork I’m going to need you to sign before Channing is released. Come with me.” She gave me another sideways glance before leading Mora away.

“Is that your mom?” I asked Channing.

“Yeah,” she replied. I nodded and looked away, feeling awkward and out of place now.

“Hope,” Channing spoke up
.

“What?” I asked, not understanding.

“That’s what I wanted to say to you earlier,” she explained. “I’ve been here a long time...what felt like forever. Hope is what got me through.”

I just stared at her, not sure of what to make of this. She chuckled.

“I know it sounds horribly cliché,” she went on. “But, Ava, hope is the best thing. It’s the only thing, really. Without it, I would be dead. You’ll get out of this place...just don’t ever lose hope.” She reached out and squeezed my shoulder gently. Then, she turned around and walked away. I stood there, holding my breath as I watched Channing and her mother walk out those double doors. She was going home.

15
.

A week went by very slo
wly. I felt as if seven days were actually
one long one and I could barely stand to get up in the morning. I hadn’t heard from my mother since my failed evaluation. I hadn’t wanted to. Maybe she was finally getting the hint that I didn’t want her in my life anymore.