Broken Fairytales (9 page)

The light in
my parents
’
room was
on, but their door was closed.
We had to be extra c
areful as we crept toward the stairs
not step on Randy,
our Y
ellow Lab
,
who was sprawled out
asleep in front of their door.
If we woke him up, the barking would en
sue and we’d be caught.
It wasn’t like Ben wasn’t allowed to come over. My parents knew the depth of our relationship and that I spent several nights a week at his apartment when we were at school, but I wasn’t a big fan of them knowing he was in my childhood bedroom in the middle of the night.

On the second floor
,
f
rom behind her closed door, I could hear Keely on the phone, no doubt talking to one of
the many guys she was dating.
I guess when you thought about it, it was good that Chase was exerting his big brother authority, since she was in a situation tha
t could potentially end badly.
Maybe she needed someone to have her back, although thinking ab
out Chase being that guy was unsettling.

Chase’s door was open
halfway
, the light was on,
and I could see
part of
him sitting at his window, smoking a cigarette, blo
wing smoke out into the night.
I shot a glare at his back
hoping it would hit him.
W
hat he’d said to me earlier
was still bugging me.

Once behind the protection of my bedroom door, I let my guard down just a little, but still
held Ben’s hand as we sat down
o
n my bed. H
e tried to start kissing me, but I wasn’t in t
he mood, so I brushed him off.
Since me getting upset and holding onto my emotions was a new thing, Ben
didn’t even catch on
– just like he hadn’t caught on earlier that I was annoyed
with him
. He just lay back on my bed, so I la
y next to him, and h
e took my hand
again
. 

I sighed once, as if to communicat
e to Ben that I was irritated.
When he didn
’t react, I looked over at him.
He was gazing
a
t the ceiling, so I tried again.
This time I huffed, well aware I should be able to just be an adult and talk to him about what was bothering me, even if he was the catalyst and it would undoubtedly be an uncomfortable conversation. Of course, maturity eluded me that night.

Ben heard me.
He didn’t turn his head
but said
casually
, “What’s wrong
,
babe?”

I sighed again, reall
y drumming up the drama.
“You don’t think I’m too rigid, do you?” I asked, assuming that he would automatically refute my statement.

Instead, he said nothing.
He just looked over at me, with an expression that told me he wanted to say something, but
he
was tryin
g to figure out how to word it.
He o
pened his mouth
, a look of wariness on his face.

I interrup
ted him before he could speak.
“Oh, great
. You think
I’m too rigid! That’s just fantastic
.”

I looked away from him and stared
hard at my alarm clock.
The
bright red numbers read 12:1
9
.
I watched them until they became to
o
blurry to read.
I felt Ben twist and put his arm over me, but
I
pulled away from him.

“Babe, come on. I
don’t think you’re too rigid.”

I looked at him through my peripheral vision, but didn’t change my position. 

“You
’re structured,” he continued.
“And that’s a good thing, because you keep eve
rything so neat and organized.
I can’
t remember dates, but you can. I’m messy, you’re not.
It works, you know.”

I softened my posture a little bit and looked over at him.
“So
you
think Chase is wrong?”

“Chase?
What do you mean
?” he asked, looking confused.
“I thought you were
talking about something else.”
The last part came out
mumbled
as if he hadn’t actually meant to say it out loud
.

I
moved back to put some distance between us
.
“I got pissed at Keely for smoking weed with Chas
e, and he told me I was rigid.
What do you mean
something else
?” I asked
derisively
.

I wasn’
t
sure what he was talking about
, but I was pretty
sure I didn’t want to know.
Ben and I had argued more in the past few months than we had during the entire length of our relationship, and never once had he asked me what was wrong. I knew he was frustrated with me, but he’d never once actually validated that assumption. I could just tell, just like I could tell he didn’t want to tell me now what he’d been referring to.
Ben looked startled, like he hadn’t thought
I’d pick
ed
up on what he’d said.

“Oh, well, um, I just thought that you were talki
ng about tonight at the movies,” he said, shrugging.

Now I was thoroughly confused.
“What are you talking abo
ut?”

“Oh,
babe, just drop it.
It’s no big deal,
”
he said, as he tried to pull me into his arms.
“I don’t want to fight with you.”

“Oh
no,” I said
vehemently
, pulling away from him
. “I’m not dropping this.”

Ben sighed, and I could tell he real
ly didn’t want to be having this
conversation.
He hesitated before saying,
“Well, it’s just that lately you’ve been different – sort of angry or something
.
I don’t know.
”
My eyes
narrowed
at
his comment, but
secretly I was glad he was finally acknowledging the obvious, so
I let him continue.
“Like tonight, for example.
Everyone else wanted to see that movie, but
we had to practically beg you.
It was like
if
you didn’t want to see it, none of us could.
You were sort of bitchy about it.
”

“That is not f
air,” I said, shaking my head.
He was well aware of my phob
ia of all things dead or dark.
I did not think I was being unreasonable.

“You were being selfish, Em, and it’
s not like you to be that way.
It’s like lately you’ve gone from being disciplined to difficult.”

“
I know,
”
I said softly, tears of anger and regret suddenly pricking the backs of my eyes

“
You do?
” Ben
asked
softly
, and
he sounded so dejected.

I suddenly knew what it had been like on his end for the past few months and
instantly felt shitty for how I’d been treating him
. He looked
sad or distraught
, like he wasn’t sure exactly what to do with me
,
but how I’d been acting toward him had clearly been upsetting him for a while.

“Ben, I’m sorry
if I haven’t been that fun to be around. I’m just
dealing with
a lot right now,
and I’m not really sure how to process it all,
” I said softly, trying to calmly explain my position. I ran my fingers back through his hair. “
I
’m just not sure what to do.”

I
watched him closely, trying to
gauge his reaction
, but it seemed n
othing I was saying was hitting home. Inst
ead of asking me what was wrong and
what I was dealing wit
h, he was refusing to accept it, and I think I knew in that moment what our problem was. If he’d ever
shown any inclination that he could tell something was wrong, maybe I would have opened up to him, but I knew Ben, and I knew that he hated anything that would rock his perfect world. His girlfriend going through a life crisis of sorts wasn’t something he wanted to think about.

He leaned over and kissed my forehead
.
“You’ll figure it out
,” he said, as if it were that simple. 

I turned away again, infuriated with him
again
. “
You really don’t get it,” I muttered, my chest constricting with the thought of how far apart we’d drifted.

“Babe, don’t be like that,” he
said, sitting up next to me, reaching for my hand. H
e
obviously still didn’t get it.
“
Come on. You’re just tired. You need to relax.” He kissed the spot behind my ear before moving kisses down my neck, so I knew exactly what he meant by relax.

“
Don’t
,” I said moving away from him and crossing my arms in front of my che
st. “I do not need to relax. I’
m not tired.”

Ben sighed. “Babe, listen. I get it. This is a big year for us
. It’s our senior year
.
I know you’re worried about what will happen next, but you just have to trust that everything will work out. I’ve got a job lined up at my uncle’s accounting firm in Atlanta, and you can do your PR thing. We can get live in Buckhead. It’ll be great.”

I smiled at his enthusiasm, but it didn’t reach my eyes.

“But, i
f I have a great season, I could get drafted next year.
I know it’s a long shot, but how cool would it be – m
e in the NFL and you as my hot wife who cheers me on at every game.” His arms
en
circled my waist
,
and he pulled me against him. “
Everything will work out for us, you’ll
see. I love you
so much. You
are sweet and kind and adorable, and I knew I wanted to marry you from the moment I set eyes on you.”

I couldn’t help a small
, genuine
smile peeking out at his words. He was being sweet, even if
he
still didn’t get what I was dealing with.

“Ben what I if I want to work?” I asked, looking over to gauge his reaction.

“Then you’ll work,” he said, tucking a lock of my hair behind my ear. “I just want you to be happy, and if having a career makes you happy, then
you’ll
do it.”

I nodded, but he still looked at me appraisingly.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, searching my face for some kind of clue as to what he could possibly be missing. Unfortunately, even I didn’t know the answer to that. “Aren’t you happy?”

No, I’m not.

In that moment, there were a million things that I wanted to say – that I
should have said, but I didn’t.
It would freak him out
to know what I was truly thinking
, and he was already starting t
o look at little uncomfortable.

“Of course, I’m happy,” I said, putting my hands on either side of his face and kissing him deeply. 

“Good, because I can’t have my future wife mad at me,” he said,
around my lips.
I felt him smile
before
he deepened
the kiss
.

Within a few minutes, we were half-dressed, and Ben
succeeded in distracting me enough that I’d stopped obsessing about the unknown. He
started to move his kisses down my sto
mach and back up
.

“Please,” he murmured in my ear, as he moved his hand to my hip and trailed his fing
er across the lace at the top of my underwear
. 

I instinctively put my h
and on top of his to stop him. He l
ooked up in disappointment.
I knew that look well.
“No,” I said, softly. “Not here
.”