Broken Barriers (Barriers Series Book 4) (2 page)

I inched closer until the tips of my boots touched hers. Courtney’s tormented eyes could no longer look at me. She sniffled back the tears that threatened to break like a dam. I leaned down a little closer to her face. I was so close I could smell the subtle hints of vanilla and pear, her favorite scented body washes, still on her skin.

“What about you…? Do you want me to come home safe, Court?”

“Of course!” she snapped, obviously hurt by my accusation that she didn’t care about me enough to want me to come home.

“Why, Court?” My hand brushed her hair back over her shoulder before it carefully rested against the nape of her neck. I lowered my forehead against hers. Her eyes never left mine. The two of us shared one last intimate moment before we had to part ways.

I could tell Courtney couldn’t see through the tears that blurred her vision. She only saw the Marine that stood before her. She was grappling with her answer, but she didn’t know what the right answer was. She looked away while I knew her mind raced with a million things she probably wanted to say to me. I needed to hear them. Good or bad—I needed to know. She choked back the words she wanted to say. My lips were close enough now that all I needed to do was lean forward to feel her gentle kiss once again.

Instead, I pulled away, and the moment was lost. I leaned down and brushed my warm lips over Courtney’s ear. “I want you to take this letter.” I pressed the small envelope into Courtney’s hand and watched her pull it to her chest. “Read it after I’ve boarded the plane. If after you’ve read it, you still feel that marrying this other guy is what’s best for you, then I’ll support your decision.” I softly kissed her cheek and stepped back. “I’ll miss you, Court. I always do.”

I turned and pulled the orders and military ID from my pocket. I walked away with heavy footsteps and only turned my solemn face once to look back at Courtney before giving a quick wave good-bye. I never did tell her I loved her. The words never crossed my lips as I walked away. The look of regret etched on her face as she clutched the letter to her heart right before I entered security was one I had never seen before.

July. Eighteen Months Later.

The last time I stepped foot on this doorstep it was for my sister’s wedding. It was the perfect day. She had finally found what made her happy in her life.

That was nearly three years ago. Time had flown; that was for sure.

My sister, Sam, didn’t exactly have the easiest time getting there, though. When she stood here at my family’s cottage on Lake Winnipesaukee and married Josh, it was a moment that would be imprinted in my mind forever.

Not only was it the best night of her life and the start to her happy future, but it was also the last time I was with the one girl who had held my heart for all these years. Oddly enough, that girl was Josh’s younger sister.

Courtney Page.

God, she was beautiful that night. Her acorn-colored hair flowed in the wind that swept off the lake as she took wedding pictures for my sister on the boat dock as the sun set in the distance behind her. I watched from a distance at the girl…no…woman that captivated me. She never knew how much I fell for her that summer. It was never supposed to be anything more than “friends with benefits,” and yet I was the first one to let my feelings get the better of me.

That night when we had sex, it wasn’t just two friends having sex. It was so much more than that. The only problem was, she was going one way, and I was going the other. Sure, we kept in touch, and there were holidays after that. But, when I came home the last time to see my newborn nephew, Dean, and found out she was engaged, I was devastated. It was supposed to be one of the happiest times in my life. I was spending the holiday with my family just before I was set to deploy to Afghanistan for nearly a year. When the news of her engagement hit me like a ton of bricks, I didn’t know what to do.

The fight for my country had won over the fight for the girl of my dreams. That day at the airport I poured my heart out to her and gave her one last chance to know just how much I loved her.

The next thing I knew I was handing the airline desk clerk my pre-boarding pass, and I was on the airplane set to start the next chapter in my life. I never told Courtney how much I loved her. I walked away like a freakin’ coward, leaving the decision in her hands. That decision ate away at me for months. The torment of not knowing while deployed was worse than being in Afghanistan.

Now, here I was home from war, trying to rid myself of any of those horrific memories that flooded my brain almost every night: the nightmares of convoys gone wrong, the fear of an exploding IED, the echoing sounds of gunfire, the smell of burning bullet shells furiously hitting the ground, or even worse, my own skin, or the lost look in my team members’ eyes when they turned to me for answers and guidance while we were in the middle of the Afghan desert far from home.

Why
did
they turn to me for guidance? Sure, I was a strong leader and put my own life on the line to keep them safe, but guidance? Shit, that was a whole other story. I couldn’t guide my own life, let alone theirs. Look at how much I messed up this shit before I left. And now…I had to laugh…now that I was back from that God forsaken hellhole, the first place I decided to try to piece my life back together was the place that reminded me of nothing but her.

I shook the million and one thoughts playing like a pinball machine in my head and dropped my packs to the ground in front of the large wooden front door. My hand reached up to pull the spare key my dad said would be behind the front light.

Apparently, he and Mom came up a week ago from Connecticut to clean the cottage. Before I even stepped foot off the plane in Boston, I told them I needed some time to think about things. Of course, they worried. There were way too many news reports of veterans coming back from overseas suffering from PTSD for them not to worry. That past week I had spent countless hours with them, assuring them I was fine. I wasn’t quite sure how they believed me, but they did.

I convinced them I was safe to be alone after Sam brought my nearly two-year-old nephew down to see me. Dean was just a week old the last time I saw him. Sure, she sent me pictures while I was gone, but to finally be in the same room with him was another story. His smiles and giggles were enough to light up an entire room. To be his age again and not have a care in the world would have felt amazing. A part of me wished I knew what that felt like again. After only a half hour with him, I was pretty sure he could heal just about any wound within my heart. Just not the one that was still anchored there for what seemed like eternity.

My fingers fumbled with the key until I found the keyhole and unlocked the door. The moment I turned the key and the door clicked open, I heard the sound of tires crunching against the gravel behind me. Turning my head, I noticed the Jeep rolling to a stop just behind my car. I ignored why my brother-in-law pulled up when I said I wanted time alone. Sam probably wasn’t fully convinced I was right in the head and sent Josh here just in case.

What did I need to do to make people believe me?

I was fine and wanted to be alone for a while. I’d been deployed for a year, and now that I’d checked out of my unit for good, I needed to think. And by
think
, I meant reevaluate where my life was heading. I no longer had the girl. I certainly didn’t have a career. I gave up working at Dad’s law firm nearly four years ago when I went active duty in the Marines. Now, I had nothing. Sure, I had enough military training to allow me to be qualified to do something, but I didn’t want to do anything for work.

It was the other news that practically broke me in half six months ago.

My head wasn’t right after that, and neither was my heart. I fucked up big time on a convoy and nearly put my entire team in a situation we couldn’t escape. The news came as so much of a shock that not even I could understand why it hit me as hard as it did. There was always that slim shot I held onto when I left that she’d change her mind. As much as I wanted her choice to be me instead of him, she still said she wanted me there, but it didn’t happen that way.

Courtney had gotten married. She didn’t wait for me.

Sighing, I grabbed my bags from the ground and pushed my shoulder against the heavy door and entered the house. My Sanuk-covered feet scuffed against the wide plank wooden floors as I lugged in my two overstuffed military-issued seabags. I wasn’t sure how long I was staying here, so I packed just about every article of summer clothing and gear I had left at my parents’ house. As I dropped the bags just inside the first floor bedroom door, I turned to find Josh right behind me carrying a couple of cardboard boxes.

He gave me a quick nod of his head and continued past me into the kitchen area and placed the boxes onto the island counter. I followed behind sluggishly before stopping at the edge of the room. With my hands in my khaki shorts pockets, I leaned against the wall and watched as Josh pulled food supplies from the boxes and put them away.

I narrowed my eyes as he continued without saying anything. The light filtered in the area from the large picture windows that overlooked the lake. As my eyes roamed around the house, everything brought back memories—memories of Sam and me as kids with my parents here in the summers. Summers back then were simple. We kayaked and swam in the lake. Sam and I walked into the small picturesque town and grabbed ice cream and burgers. We watched the locals gather for the summer concerts under the gazebo in the center of town. Fireworks littered the sky over the lake, and Sam always covered her ears while I laughed at her and called her a wimp. Then I was flooded with the memories of the last night I was here in this house with Courtney. I shut my eyes as I tried to forget everything that reminded me of how much my heart still ached. But, the minute I opened my eyes again, I saw her eyes staring back at me. Only they didn’t belong to her. They were Josh’s.

Josh knew how much I cared about his sister. Sam had some reservations about what happened that summer years ago, but Josh never gave me that so-called “big brother” talk. I never told him how much I loved her, either. Something told me he knew, though. As he watched me push off the wall and walk over to him to help put the supplies away, I knew he sensed why I was here. I glanced into one of the boxes and pulled some of the food out.

I looked up at him. “Sam send all this up with you?” I asked as I pulled the bags of chips, boxes of macaroni and cheese, and s’mores supplies from the first box. Josh’s rumbling laugh told me this was all her idea.

“What gave it away?” Josh jokingly asked as he continued with his own box of what looked to be local craft beers and coffee supplies. I opened the cabinets and stocked them with the endless amounts of my favorite foods.

Turning back to see Josh stuffing the fridge with the beers, I answered, “Only Sam would know to send these specific snacks up.”

Then I grabbed one last thing from the box and turned to Josh. I angled my head, silently asking him about the item I held in my hand. Josh pulled a couple of beers back out of the fridge and popped the tops off on the wall bottle opener before coming over to me. “She might be married now, but she still cares about you.”