Broken and Screwed 2 (The BS Series) (13 page)

“Twice.”

Silence fell between us like a heavy blanket. It was suffocating and sweltering. I wanted to fold underneath it and disappear into the ground. I forced myself to keep calm. My insides were twisting and turning, but I drew in a deep breath and hoped it would calm the chaos down.

“Okay.” Her voice had dropped to a soft whisper. “And I’m sorry for both of those times.”

I shook my head. This wasn’t even right. Marissa had dumped our friendship, but she hadn’t been the one who ran like I had grown horns. That’d been Angie. A tremor went through me as I remembered that last day. They had come to say goodbye. Justin had always been there, alongside his girlfriend, but he had stayed in his truck that day. He couldn’t even muster a goodbye in person. Angie hadn’t taken two steps inside my house. She seemed ready to crap her pants at an invitation from me.

Their goodbyes had lasted five minutes. Five minutes from the two that I had considered as close to my family as I could get.

“Stop, Marissa.”

I wasn’t going to hang my head in shame. I had done nothing wrong, but I knew she was getting ready to unburden her soul and that wasn’t right. Marissa had just gone away. That was all she had done. She’d been my best friend. She dumped me when she fought with Angie, and then she apologized at a party towards the end of the school year. That’d been it. Nothing more from the second person I considered a best friend all my life.

“What is it?”

“Just stop. You don’t have to do this.”

“Do what?”

“Apologize. That’s what you’re doing, isn’t it?” A bitter taste was in my mouth and I couldn’t get rid of it.

Her lips clamped shut and she gazed at me. Her eyes were wide and they barely blinked. I felt her studying me, slipping inside how Jesse did at times. It was an uncomfortable feeling and one I wanted to shed, like a second skin. I wanted it off me.

“Stop,” I snapped this time.

She blinked. Once. Then she murmured, “You think I’m apologizing for ditching you, don’t you?”

“Aren’t you?”

One shake of the head.

My heart dropped. There was so much more in her gaze and my chest swelled. I didn’t know if I was ready for whatever else she was going to say.

The wind shifted. It grazed against my cheeks, but there was moisture on them as well. I glanced up idly, had it started raining? There were no drops in the sky.

She started out, cautious at first, “I knew what was going on last year.”

My heart plunged all the way to my feet now. She knew. I hadn’t thought anyone knew.

“I worked in the counselor’s office as a teacher’s assistant.” At my look, she explained, “I never said anything. I didn’t want you guys to make fun of me or god forbid, be proud of me. I know. I know. Stupid of me, but I know you and Angie thought I was only some party hussy who could hold her own. I wasn’t. I was messed up. I know that much, but I wanted more.”

She’d gone after Jesse. She slept with Cord instead. Then she dated Eric, only to cheat on him with Cord. Again.

She was right about some of it.

I tucked all that away. That wasn’t the same girl in front of me. Marissa had changed. Sarah had always seemed perfect and now she was another catty bitch. Even Cord changed.

I had changed.

Did nothing stay the same?

“Look,” Marissa kept going. “I was unhappy last year and I was jealous.”

“Jealous?”

“Of you and Angie. You two are so close—you two
were
so close. I was left out all the time. I know Angie called me a slut behind my back. She said it to my face all the time. I messed up. I went after Jesse when I knew you two had a thing. And then Eric was going to ask you out and I got to him first. Then I became friends with Sarah.” She waved in her direction. “And look how she’s turned out.”

I frowned. “Yeah, she seemed so perfect last year. Now she’s…”

Marissa grinned. “Vapid? Shallow? Insecure? Because she’s all three of them. I think she thought if she stayed nice and perfect last year then Jesse would come back.”

I shifted on my feet and shoved my hands into the front pockets of my jeans. Turning away, I muttered, “Yeah, well, they dated for three years.”

“Three years that he hated her.”

“What are you talking about?”

She gave me an incredulous look. “Come on, Alex. You had to have known. I thought you always did and it hurt my feelings. I could never figure out what I’d done so you wouldn’t confide in me, then last year I stopped caring. I stopped caring about a lot of stuff.”

Scratching at the back of my head, a foreboding sensation settled in the middle of my shoulders. It wouldn’t go away as I tried to figure out what she was talking about.

“Jesse.” Her head inclined a notch. “Are you serious?”

What?

“He’s liked you since forever. You never knew?”

“He was with Sarah. Three years, Marissa. He was with her for three years.”

“Yeah, but he didn’t want to be.” She lamented, “Okay, he might’ve liked her in the beginning, but he didn’t for a while after. I heard them fighting one time.”

“Sarah and Jesse?”

“Ethan and Jesse.”

This was the second person to talk about a dispute between my brother and his best friend. It sent daggers through me when Barbie had first said it and it sent daggers through me again. Ice-cold daggers with tips of steel. I didn’t like hearing about any discord between the two and I really didn’t like hearing that my best friend had known. She hadn’t said a word.

My lips were stiff as I demanded, “What are you talking about?”

“Jesse wanted to be with you. Your brother told him to stay away.”

He’d said the same thing to me, but there was a missing piece. I knew it. It was nagging me from the back of my mind. The puzzle wasn’t complete and I was determined to figure it out. With my lips pressed together, I gave her a pointed look. “Thanks for telling me.”

She flushed. “I’m sorry. Again. I was jealous.” She rolled her eyes. “He told Ethan he wanted to break up with Sarah and be with you, but your brother wasn’t having it. He threatened Jesse that if he broke up with Sarah, then he’d say something horrible to you. He was going to turn you against him.” Her laugh was hollow. “Your brother was hardcore, huh?”

Not the Ethan I knew.

Pain tingled at the tips of my fingers and toes. It was slowly working its way through me, all the way to send my heart into a tailspin.

The brother I knew would’ve never kept me from someone I loved.

Oh shit.

I drew in another shuddering breath.

I had loved Jesse then.

Had I stopped when he hadn’t returned my calls? Because I didn’t still love him. I couldn’t.

“You okay?”

I jerked my head in a nod. “Yeah.”

She wasn’t convinced.

“Look,” edging closer to me, Marissa glanced over her shoulder. “I know Jesse’s going to ditch her soon and she’s going to come back. I won’t say anything. I know you two were secretive before and I’m figuring you are now since you didn’t tell us where his house was.” She bit her lip and kicked at some dirt before her head came back up. “It’s no secret. She wanted to come down because she’s still obsessed with getting Jesse back. She’s dropped the perfect act. She’s hardcore, like your brother.”

Anger flared in me. Ethan wasn’t hardcore. She must’ve heard wrong.

“I’ve gone through a lot of my issues and I have a lot to say to you. I’m sorry about your parents. I knew what they were doing to you.”

Panic threatened me.

“I should’ve said something or done something, but I didn’t. I was a shitty friend to you, no matter what you think. I wasn’t loyal and I didn’t stand up for you.” Her frown deepened when she saw Sarah in the distance. “I hate feeling rushed. I wished you had met me for brunch. Listen, don’t trust Sarah. Don’t trust Angie.”

Angie? Her name was a lightning bolt. “What are you talking about?”

“Angie’s going to contact you.”

I sensed her withdrawal. Sarah was almost upon us and this new Marissa would disappear again. My hand latched onto her arm. “Did she tell you that?”

Startled, she looked up from my hand to my face. I felt the blood drain from me and knew she was seeing a ghost. Good. I was starting to feel like one again. She shook her head. “No, but I know Angie. She’ll take a semester off, see me at some party at Christmas, and I’ll tell her that I’ve seen you. She’ll hate that. She’s going to contact you, just for her conscience probably. She’ll think she’s the bad friend and she’ll hate that.” A smug grin came over her. “On second thought, maybe I won’t say anything at all. I like thinking of her as the bad friend.”

I was getting restless. Marissa was talking too much about the past. It was a year of hell and I wanted it remain behind me. She was dredging up past hurts, past feelings, and memories. All of them were better left buried. I snapped, “Shut up, Marissa!”

She jumped back.

“Just shut up. Stop talking about shit you don’t know anything about.”

“What?” Her mouth hung there for a moment. “But I do. I know what I’m talking about. Don’t trus—”

“Stop it!” My voice rose and I knew the last was a shout.

Sarah had halted a few feet from us, but she edged closer now. She’d grown cautious since my outburst. When Marissa jerked away, an evil grin came over her. She sauntered now, gloating, “Not so perfect now, Alex? I’m glad we ran into you at this pathetic picnic. I can’t believe my cousin told us hot guys would be here. Other than Jesse, I didn’t see anyone. They’re all freaks.”

Taking a few deep breaths, I tried to settle my pulse down. I couldn’t believe this was the same girl Jesse had been with for so long. She’d been shy. She’d been dainty. Now she was ugly. I didn’t mean her looks.

“Let’s go.” She gave me a pointed look as she spoke to Marissa, “Jesse told me where the real party is at. He said Cord’s there and he’s coming right behind us.”

Marissa had been watching me. When I didn’t react, her lips thinned. She knew Jesse had been lying. “Sure. Why not?” Her eyes never left mine. “I’ll see you later?”

I didn’t answer.

I didn’t care.

When they left, she gave me a sad smile while Sarah hurried off. Her hand was clutching onto Marissa, as if claiming her, and she went along like a dutiful friend.

Whatever had changed, I knew Marissa would never be my best friend again. She’d never be merely a friend either.

I squared my shoulders and lifted my chin.

That was just fine with me.

‘All you do is lie.’

I went in search for Jesse, and I shut that nagging voice down. It would only bring me heartache.

When I
approached the group at the bottom, no one paid me attention. This was why Sarah hadn’t liked them, because they hadn’t cared about her. A few others were behind me and were greeted by a group to the side. It was obvious this was a tight group. Sidelong glances were cast at me. I felt the suspicion from some of the members, some were merely curious.

Jesse lifted his arm. He was sitting in a lawn chair around a campfire. As I drew near, I saw it wasn’t a real campfire, but one that stood in the air. It was an expensive looking piece of metal that would’ve looked at home on a millionaire’s patio. It stood out, nestled in the middle of its group with ripped and fading lawn chairs.

Jesse patted his lap. I sat in front of his feet. I sensed his confusion, but then his hands came to my shoulder and he began to rub between my shoulders. When they paused, he had found the knots of tension between my shoulder blades. Biting my tongue, I hoped he wouldn’t comment on them. I didn’t want to talk. As his thumbs started to press into them and he began a massage, my shoulders lifted up in a relieved breath.

Thank god.

A girl from across the campfire waved. She had a baseball cap pulled down to cover most of her face. Her jean shorts were ripped at the ends with a white tank underneath a baggy flannel shirt. I was surprised as I recognized this girl from The Shack. She’d been the one tending the bar. Brielle? Was that what Jesse had called her? No, he called her Bri. As I looked around the rest of the campfire, I was even more surprised.

The entire band of Braille sat around it. All of them had on baseball caps, all pulled low over their faces. They were unrecognizable.

No wonder Sarah thought this Feast was a joke. I knew without a doubt that she hadn’t known who else was in attendance.

The drummer was beside Bri and he was tapping her foot with his. She glared at him, then kicked his leg back. A goofy grin slid over his face as he continued to bob his head to the music’s beat. After she settled back down, he began tapping her foot again.

“Braden!” she growled.

“Shut up,” a low warning came from beside me.

A guy was on the ground with a guitar in his lap. His shoulders were being rubbed how mine were, but instead of Jesse, he got a blonde bombshell. Her hair was sun streaked and instead of the flannel shirt Bri wore, this girl only wore a black tank top. It resembled more of a tube top as it rested high on her stomach and barely covered her cleavage. Tight black shorts disappeared in her lawn chair as her golden legs wrapped around the guy in front of her.

Jesse chuckled and gray eyes shifted over to us. A menacing look was in them. I felt blasted with his coldness, but it didn’t have the same effect on Jesse. He cursed at him, “Stuff it, Luke.”

The drummer, identified as Braden now, pumped a hand in the air. He held two drumsticks in it. “Yeah, Hunt! You tell him.”

Bri’s lip curled up. “Just what we need, two superstars getting in a fight.”

A guy in the back commented, “It’d be good publicity.”

As they continued to tease Jesse and the guy beside me, I was even more jolted to recognize the lead singer of Braille. I hadn’t put two and two together. My gaze had skipped over him and I assumed Luke Skeet was elsewhere.

As I studied him, he sent a withering look across the fire to Bri, whose gaze cooled at his first growl and she lifted her beer. An eyebrow went up, defiantly, and she took a long slow swallow from her can. His head moved down a notch as he glared at her, but he seemed riveted by what he was seeing.

She caught me staring and winked.

Maybe I should’ve been flustered. Maybe I should’ve been embarrassed. I wasn’t. I grinned back and then caught a beer that was tossed in my lap.

“Jeezus, Hunt. Your date’s probably parched by now. Good manners.”

His fingers dug into my skin, but a low chuckle was his only response.

I risked a peek over my shoulder, but found myself in my own riveted state. His gaze had darkened and smoldered down at me. My throat went dry. My legs began to throb in answer.

I didn’t know who moved first. It might’ve been me or it might’ve been the shift in his fingers, but we moved as one unit. I was transferred from the ground and into his lap. As I laid my head against his chest and his arm wrapped around me, one of the guys asked, “Hunt, you ever going to introduce us? This is the second time you’ve brought her around.”

His arms tightened. He growled, “You’ve got a girl in your own lap, Emerson. Pay attention to that one.”

“Yeah, pay attention to me.”

“Fine, Hunt. Rude, but fine.”

I grinned as I settled in Jesse’s lap. Bri sent me another wink from across the fire. She lifted her beer can in salute. Reciprocating the motion, we both broke out in grins. Jesse’s chest lifted up and down underneath me in a big yawn. As the night wore on, we didn’t talk much. I remained on his lap and the guys continued to talk for the rest of the evening. Bands changed for background music and every now and then, one of the guys would disappear from the group. They’d come back with a tray full of food. I realized each campfire made their own food and people were encouraged to share with each other. It wasn’t until the end of the night, after I’d had too many beers, that the guys began to grow restless. A break in bands started and they stood, one by one.

It was their turn.

Jesse pressed a kiss to my forehead and soothed some strands from my forehead.

And then Braille took to the stage.

It wasn’t fast and energizing like most of their usual music. When Luke gripped the microphone and started singing, this was new music. His voice was a smooth and gravelly. It was caressing and seductive in the same manner.

His eyes were trained on our camp, on Bri, who was looking down at her lap the entire time. Her eyes were closed tight and she was biting her lip. She glanced up once, saw me staring again, and brushed away a tear before she turned to the side in her chair.

In that look, I understood. It resonated deep in me for reasons I didn’t want to acknowledge. This girl was in love and it was haunting her.

I drew in a shuddering breath and Marissa’s voice came back to me.
“I’m sorry about your parents. I knew what they were doing to you.”

Pain sliced me and then I heard Luke’s voice in the background.

With tears streaming down, I look up with my head tilted to the sky. Looking, searching, eyes on a quest, but I’m unseeing, the clouds everywhere. Where are you? I wondered.

Closing my eyes, I tried to stop my own memories. Marissa’s voice came back, though.
“She’s going to contact you, just for her conscience probably.”

“She’s hardcore, like your brother.”

My heart started pounding. It wanted to push its way out of my chest and I drew in a gaping breath. I pressed a hand there to keep it in, as if I could do that. I tried to stop from hearing more.

“He was going to turn you against him.”

I failed. They kept coming at me.

“I was a shitty friend to you, no matter what you think. I wasn’t loyal and I didn’t stand up for you.”

I was curled in a ball on Jesse’s lap as the memories assaulted me. She’d only said those things to me, but they stemmed from the years before. The history was my undoing. I couldn’t hold up against the past. It was weighing me down.

“Hey?” Jesse nudged me with his shoulder.

I didn’t look up. I couldn’t.

“What’s wrong? You okay?”

With tears streaming down, I looked up.

My heart was reaching out in pain, in anguish, in agony. Wondering why, wondering the reason. Where are you? I wonder.

Luke’s voice picked up again. I felt those words and looking over again, I saw a mirrored torment in the girl across from us.

I shook my head and sat up. “I have to go. We have to go.”

“What?” Jesse cast a cursory look to the stage. “I wanted to stay and chill.”

Scrambling off his lap, I shrugged. I tried for casual, but it was freeing to be away from his touch. He opened the can of past haunts. His touch was all it took for my ghosts to be released. I drew in a calming breath. I couldn’t have that so I ignored my pounding heart. “You can stay. Whatever. I can call someone to pick me up.”

He scowled at me and shoved up from the seat. “Don’t be dramatic, Alex. I brought you here. I’ll take you home.”

I ignored the avid audience we had around the campfire. In the distance, the band had paused and a new song started. It had the same haunting melody. The words were different, the notes were altered, but its meaning was the same. Pain. Whoever had written that song and the last was in under a mountain of the same agony I held inside.

I couldn’t be there to hear any more of it. “Are we going? I’m leaving.”

Jesse was grumbling behind me, but I left and didn’t wait. As I walked up the hill, I realized that I didn’t know where he had parked the car so I went to the playground instead. Taking a seat on one of the swings, I felt him coming. I heard the soft thud on the grass, but my heart was thumping so loudly in my chest—it wouldn’t stop.

He waited in front of me. His voice was chilling to hear, so soft against the harshness inside of me. “Are you going to tell me what that was about?”

I jerked a shoulder up. My head remained in a fixed position, looking down. There was no way he was going to see the tears threatening to spill.

“Fine. Whatever. I’ll go and get the car.”

Good.

I meant to say that out loud, but my throat failed me.

I was primed and ready for the fight. When Jesse was like this, when I was like this, we always fought. Okay. That wasn’t true. We never fought because I had been too weak and too sad to stand up for myself. During that first year, I let him treat me how he did. I never said a word against him. The only thing or the only person I ever stood my ground for was Ethan.

That person was gone. I didn’t mean my brother.

I had changed so I waited the entire car ride back to my dorm. I waited for him to say something, but he didn’t. His jaw was clenched tight and he gripped the steering wheel until his knuckles were white, but he never said a word.

As he pulled to the front door of my dorm, I reached for the handle.

“Wait.”

My shoulders tensed. Here it was.

“I’m sorry for whatever I did to make you uncomfortable.”

I could only blink at him. What did he say?

He fidgeted under my stare. “Was I acting too couple-y? I know we’re not like that and I know we don’t talk about things, but can you tell me what I did?”

My hand let go of the handle. I sat back in the seat. He was self-conscious. I had never seen Jesse self-conscious. It was a different look, one that pulled at my heartstrings and I couldn’t have this conversation because of that. One word, one touch, all of it would come crashing down on me.

I looked at the door. I should go.

It was like he sensed it because he said, “Please, Alex. Can you tell me?”

I shook my head. “You didn’t do anything.”

“Did I say something?”

“You didn’t say anything either.”

“Then what? I wanted to spend time with you. You and those guys, you’re the only ones who don’t care who my dad is or what I do on the court. That’s sad, isn’t it?” His hands were curled into balls and he was pressing them into his lap now. “I really needed some time with you. If that makes me a loser or pathetic, whatever. Fine. I’m pathetic. I want to spend time with you. I want to be with you. Please don’t go.”

Oh my god. He was almost begging me. A vulnerable look was in his eyes. I felt him stripped and raw in front of me.

I was struggling.

I wanted to go. Badly. I didn’t. I couldn’t get myself to leave. Then I sighed, “You didn’t do anything, Jesse.”

“Then what? What happened? You were fine and then you weren’t. I could feel it from you. You wanted to bolt, but I don’t know what I did.”

“You didn’t. Honest.”

He blew out a breath in annoyance. “Then Sarah or Marissa. What’d they say to you?”

“Nothing.”

I tried to lie, but my voice broke on that word. That wasn’t true.

His eyes flashed. He knew. “Which one?”

I heard the savagery in him. This wasn’t good. “Your ex is a bitch.”

“I know. That’s why I broke up with her. All that saint stuff was an act. I couldn’t stomach it anymore.” He frowned. “Was it Sarah?”

“No.” My head went down. My gut bottomed out as I whispered that word.

“So Marissa then?”

I couldn’t confirm it. He knew. We both knew, but when he reached for his phone, I grabbed it from him. Shaking my head, I was horrified to find some tears on my cheeks. I hadn’t cried in so long. I wasn’t going to start now. “Stop.”

“She made you cry.”

I blew out a calming breath. “Stop, Jesse. Marissa didn’t mean any harm. She said a few things and old wounds opened. That’s it. I’ll be fine. I promise.”

He wavered.

I clenched his phone tighter. I knew he could grab it lightning fast.

“Fine.”

My shoulders sagged in relief.

“Just to be clear, I didn’t do anything?”

A grin broke free as I shook my head.

“And I didn’t say anything?”

“You did call me dramatic.”

“I’m sorry.”

I blinked at the automatic apology. That wasn’t a normal Jesse comment. Had he changed as well, like everyone else? I held my tongue, not wanting to get into that conversation and I asked instead, “So what’s going on that you needed to get away from your friends?”

This was the second time in two weeks. He liked to hide with those friends and bring me along. Well, this time was different. We’d been doing other things before he took me along to hide with them.

He grew still. “I don’t want to talk about that.”

The old roles clicked into place again. We were back to that. Neither of us talked about anything real in our lives. The only topic was allowed Ethan or sex. It had always been like that.