Broken (26 page)

I smile because
he
does and, as old-fashioned as it sounds, he looks so damn handsome, even with bed-hair and scruff on his face. “I really
do
love you, Theodore,” I say, pulling him in at the waist. “Don’t ever forget that.” Bypassing my lips, he kisses my neck and I fold my arms around him, hugging him close. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t ever apologise for struggling.”

I’m not apologising for last night, but for all the nights to come.

I’ve made my decision, right down to how I’m going to do it. I know what will work best for me and I
won’t
fail this time. It’s time to stop pretending, stop giving the people around me false hope that I will get better.

Because I won’t.

I’m too far gone.

I’m too tired.

Pulling back, a look of confusion twists his expression. His lips part, a small sound – maybe the beginning of a question – escaping, but then he closes them again. “Go sleep. Call me if you need anything.” He cups my face. “
Anything.
Okay?”

“Okay,” I agree with the fake conviction I’ve become a master at.

We exit the kitchen side-by-side, exchanging one last glance before he veers into the bathroom. When I climb into bed I close my eyes and picture that final glance again. I say goodbye to it, to his smile…

And hope that he’ll forgive me.

**********

Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.
I heard that somewhere once and it stuck in my mind, haunting me, ever since. I often toyed with its interpretation and, now, I have the answer.

The pain is there. It never leaves. Sometimes it’s bearable, but it’s
always
there. It’s pecked away at my soul all my life and, finally, it’s won.

I surrender.

It’s taken everything. I am nothing more than a hollow shell. There are no more pieces left to try and put back together. I have nothing else to fight with.

I’m exhausted.

Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

Today, I opt to end the suffering. Today, I welcome the pain as it slices into my wrist, knowing it will be the last time. As I watch my tormented life seep from my body in thick, red spirals, a small smile crawls onto my lips.

It’s over.

I’m free.

My body starts to tremble and I lie back in the bathtub, closing my eyes. A rush of peace, contentment, washes over my dying body, cleansing my soul as I drift into the serene darkness, embracing the shadow for the first time in my life.

Forgive me.

~Theo~

Kneeling
in front of his grave, I place my hand on the cool stone. “I miss you,” I whisper, hoping somehow he can hear me. It never gets easier. Somehow, grief becomes a routine part of life. It never leaves, you simply learn to live around it.

Looking around, my heart feels heavy seeing so many abandoned, moss-covered headstones. Where are their families? Tom and I have taken it in turns to visit our dad, every fortnight since the day he was buried. We bring flowers, we talk to him, and once a month we’ll bring a sponge and bottle of bleach to clean away any dirt nature has blown onto his stone.

“What are you doing here?” Tom’s voice doesn’t startle me. I heard his footsteps crunching the gravel as he approached.

“Do you ever just…miss him more some days?”

“Yeah. Yeah I do.”

“I keep remembering his saying lately – what’s meant to be won’t pass you by. How do you know what’s meant to be?”

“You don’t,” Tom says, shrugging. “I think it just means you’re supposed to find solace in the fact everything is already planned out for you.”

Hmm.
I’m not sure I like that answer. I need to
know
what I’m facing in the future. “Thanks for coming.” My car jittered and growled all the way here, finally cutting out just before I reached the car park.
Unreliable heap of shit.
“You’re a lifesaver.”

“That’s always my aim.”

Right. Doctor joke. Usually, I’d smile, but not today. Today, I have a knot in my stomach worrying about James, Mike’s being an even bigger prick than usual, and now my car is fucked.
Again
.

“You need a new car.”

“Gee, thanks, King of the Bleeding Obvious. I can’t afford one.”

“You need to write faster then. You haven’t released anything this year.”

“It’s not…wait, how do you know that?”

“I’m your brother. I take an interest in your work.”

Bullshit
.

“That and Jennifer is obsessed with you.”

“She’s read my books?” I don’t know if that makes me happy or terrified.

“Hell yeah. I mentioned it
once
. Next thing I know she’s read all three and has banged on about them so much I feel like I know the stories better than
you
.”

“Wow, I…uh…” I’m speechless, and quietly proud.

“So what’s wrong? I know there’s something, otherwise I’d have told you to get the damn bus. I was sleeping. I’m on a night-shift tonight.”

Sighing, I say a silent goodbye to my dad and jump to my feet, accompanying Tom to his car. “I’m worried about James.” I haven’t got the time to beat around the bush. If I’m late back from my lunch hour, Mike will rip me a new arsehole. “He had some kind of meltdown yesterday, smashed up the kitchen.”

Max has talked about this side of James before, but it always felt like he was referring to a stranger.

“He’s not been right for a few weeks. Not eating properly, sleeping in too late to shave before work. Doesn’t sound much, but it’s not…
him
. Says he’s fine but…”

“You don’t believe him?”

“I don’t know.” I shrug. “This is what I’ve been worrying about, that I won’t see the signs, know when he’s struggling, or even if I’m reading too much into it.”

We reach his car and I slip into the passenger seat. Tom joins me, fixes his seatbelt and starts the engine. “Have you talked to his brother about it?” he asks, pulling out of the car park.

“Not yet, but if James doesn’t make an appointment with his GP today like he said he will, I might have to. It just feels, I don’t know, like I’m betraying him or something, sneaking behind his back.”

“T, you know that’s not true. It’s what James himself told you to do if you were worried. His brother…Mark?”

“Max.”

“Max has known James, known his illness, longer than you. I’m sure he’ll be able to put your mind at ease, or at least know what to do, how to handle things.”

“Wait,” I say, raising my hand. “Pull over here.”

He does as I ask before looking to me for an explanation.

“I need to nip in the chemist. James spilled boiling water on his hand this morning.”

“By accident?”

“Yeah. I’m going to see-”
Hold on
. It
was
an accident, right? That’s what he said and I’ve no reason not to believe him. Except, suddenly, I don’t know if I do. “I, um, I’m going to see if they have any cream or anything. It blistered instantly.”

“No, no, don’t put anything on it. Sounds like a partial thickness burn. He should get it checked out.”

“He won’t.” Because he’s a stubborn arsehole.

“Want me to take a look? Either way, definitely don’t put anything on it. If the blisters burst, he can apply a sterile dressing, but nothing else.”

“Right. I’ll buy some dressings then.”

“I have some in the boot. Take some of those.”

“Oh, thanks.”

“Where to next?”

I check my watch and note that I’m due back at work in twenty minutes.
Shit
. “There’s a KFC on the way to James’.” I’m not hungry but I want to make sure he eats something. Mike will just have to wait. Fuck the consequences. “I’m not sure he’ll bother cooking for himself right now.”

“You really need to talk to his brother,” Tom reiterates, setting off again towards Spinningfields.

“Maybe you can, I dunno, assess him while you’re checking his hand?”

Tom sighs, then clicks his tongue. “I can give you a general impression, but it isn’t my field. Regardless of that, I don’t really know him well enough to make an informed opinion.”

“Sure. I’d appreciate your input anyway.”

“Look, don’t get mad…”

My fingers grip my knee a little tighter. I know what’s coming.

“You’ve only been with him a few months. Are you sure it wouldn’t be best to just…walk away? You need to think of your own wellbeing too, and, well, maybe he’s not ready for something so serious right now. Sounds like he’s got some issues he needs to deal with.”

Surprisingly, I’m not angry like I was when Tess suggested the same thing. This time I simply picture James’ face, the way I feel when he looks at me. It makes me smile. “I can’t.”

“Got it bad, eh?”

“Yeah.” I blow out a humourless chuckle. “I’ve never felt this way before. Sometimes I wonder
why
, you know? We’re so different. What made us click?”

Eyes on the road, Tom shrugs. “Love - one of life’s great mysteries. Take Jennifer. Initially she seemed no different to any other woman I’ve chased. I planned to get in her knickers and move on to the next, but as soon as I started talking to her there was just…something. I didn’t know what it was, just that I wanted more. I don’t know how love works, but it’s something you don’t get to decide. It just…happens.”

“Wow. Check us out. It’s like we’re real grown ups.”

Tom laughs. “How’s this for grown up? We bought a pram yesterday. It’s at Mum’s. Apparently it’s bad luck to bring it in the house before the baby’s born, or some shit like that.”

“Yeah? I still can’t imagine you with a baby.”

“Me either. I’m hoping knowing how to keep it alive is another one of those things that just happens,” he says with an equal mix of humour and nerves in his voice.

“You’ll be fine. Your biggest challenge will be getting Mum to leave you alone.”

Tom pulls into the KFC drive-through and I tell him to order a Boneless Bucket before handing him a twenty-pound note. We don’t speak much on the way to James’ apartment, and when we do it’s about trivial stuff, like Tom’s expectations of the latest Star Wars film. Personally, I couldn’t give less of a shit if I tried. I haven’t seen a single one of them. Star Trek, however, is another story. I grew up watching them every Sunday with my dad.

After getting us into James’ building by tapping in the door-code, I tell Tom to wait in the hall when we reach his apartment. I just want to check on him, make sure he’s not naked, and forewarn him I’ve brought Tom to look at his hand so he doesn’t flip out.

He’s not in the main living space when I walk inside so I check his office. When I don’t find him there, I assume he must still be sleeping and head to the bedroom.

“James?” I call.

No answer.
Hmm
.

I’m about to leave, maybe call his mobile to see where he is, when I notice the bathroom door is slightly ajar. It doesn’t sound like a big deal, but it’s unusual. Everyone has little quirks, things they’re a little anal over, and one of James’ is making sure the door is always closed when the room’s not in use.

I step forward, planning to close it, but not before peering inside in case he’s there.

“Oh my God,
James!
”

Dropping the bag of food where I stand, I rush to the bathtub - the room, my whole world, suddenly spinning.

“
Tom!
” I yell, my hand stuttering over James’ lifeless body, not knowing where to touch, what to do. “
Thomas!”

James is lying in a pool of red water, his right arm limp, dangling over the edge of the bath. “Oh God, baby. What have you done?” I fall to my knees, the thick, dark pool of blood soaking into my pants.

His eyes are closed, his head flopped to one side. I raise it, cupping his cheeks and pressing my forehead to his. “No, no, no. James. Oh God, James.
Thomas!”

“I’m here, I’m here-” Tom cuts himself off when he steps into the bathroom. He pauses for just a second before flying into autopilot, trying to pull me out of the way.

I shrug out of his grip, my hand trying to touch every part of James’ body all at once.

“Theodore
move.
Let me help him.”

Right. Help him. Yes.

Nodding slowly, I gently rest James’ head back onto the ceramic lip of the bathtub before stumbling to my feet. As Tom swoops into my position, I try to wipe the tears from my damp cheeks, but my hands are wet, coated with bloody water.

“Call nine nine nine,” Tom says, two fingers pressed against James’ neck. There are several empty pill bottles and two boxes scattered on the floor and Tom picks them up, scanning the labels quickly, before throwing them back where he found them.

He took tablets, too? Oh, James…

“Is he…”

“The ambulance, Theo!
Now!
Put them on speaker.”

With shaky hands, I do as I’m told, setting the phone down on the tiles surrounding the sink. I take a step back, watching the scene unfolding in front of me through cloudy vision, my heart so heavy it feels like it could drag me to the floor.

After requesting an ambulance, my ears tune out as Tom uses technical words and spouts random numbers. I don’t know if he’s alive, if I’ll ever hear his voice again, and it feels like a piece of me is dying.

Blood. It’s everywhere. It’s so dark, so thick, and it’s pouring out of his wrists in globular spurts. In parts, the slashes in his flesh are masked by tattoos, making it difficult to tell where the ink ends and the blood begins.

“Theo, I need you to lift his legs, help me get him onto the floor.”

What have you done, James? What have you fucking done?

“
Theo!
” Tom is right in front of me, his hands on my shoulders, and I’ve no idea how he got there. All I can see is James, and blood. So much blood.

“Theodore, look at me.”

Somehow, I manage to do as he asks.

“I need your help.
James
needs your help. Are you with me?”

I nod, I think.

My body starts moving automatically and, rubbing the tears from my eyes, I follow Tom’s lead.

“Remember his skin is wet. Get a firm grip,” Tom instructs as I anchor my hands under James’ limp thighs. “On my count. One, two…
three
.”

Water laps over the rim of the bath as we lift, splashing my legs before settling into a shallow pool on the tiled floor. We move him to a dry area and, once he’s safely on the floor, I just stand, rubbing my arms, not knowing what to do. I don’t know if James is breathing and I’m too terrified of the answer to ask Tom.

Kneeling beside James, Tom removes his t-shirt and starts ripping it open down the seams. For a brief second, I wonder why, but I can’t ask because I can’t speak. I can’t move. I can barely breathe.

Once his t-shirt is in two pieces, he bounds one around James’ left wrist, pulling it tightly around his wounds before tying a knot and repeating the process on the other side.

“Y-you’ll hurt him,” I croak, so quietly I’m not sure I’ve even said it. I mustn’t have, because Tom ignores me, pressing two fingers against James’ neck for what must be the tenth time since he arrived.