Broken (31 page)

‘At the end,' replied Mattie before she could think it through any further, and as she spoke she realised that it was the truth. She pushed all the repercussions and ramifications to one side and stared at Hannah
earnestly. ‘And that's why you have to let me handle this. If I go to the police or whatever, it'll make things just so much worse. It'll force Jake into a corner, and he'll become vindictive. I
know
him. And think of the kids. It'll be much better to handle this without the police. For me, for them. So I really need you to just keep it to yourself for a while and let me deal with it. Finish it properly. Safely'

Hannah looked at her sister's intense face thoughtfully. Then she undid the hair-tie at the end of her plait and started running her fingers through the strands, separating them. ‘I understand what you're saying, but I just feel like I should at least let him know that
I
know. That you're not alone.'

‘It won't help,' said Mattie, shaking her head to add emphasis.

Hannah fell silent for a few moments as she examined the ends of her hair. ‘I can't believe that I acted the way I did when you left. Tried to talk you into going back. Told you that you were a fool for throwing it all away.'

‘You weren't to know.'

Hannah looked back up at Mattie. ‘I just can't understand why you didn't tell me.'

‘Would you have told me? If the positions were reversed?' Mattie watched Hannah as she thought about this, and then continued: ‘If you really want to help me, you'll just keep it to yourself for a while. Don't tell Stuart, or Mum, or anyone. Give me a while to sort it out.'

Hannah started redoing her plait. ‘All right, I'll give you a chance to sort things out yourself. But, mind you, this isn't a long-term promise. I'll tell all and sundry if I think you're putting yourself at risk again. Including Mum, even though I don't think she'd understand. At all. I mean,
I'm
having trouble getting my head around it. Bastard. I can't believe that he . . . bastard.'

Feeling reprieved, Mattie sat back. Her stomach ached with the mix of emotions that churned within. Embarrassment, resentment, guilt, fear, and a deep sense of loss. But surging through this turmoil was also a profound relief that the decision had been taken out of her hands. That there was no turning back now. She ran her finger lightly over a dark-ringed knot in the stained pine table and felt a sudden urge to
explain this to Hannah, make her understand that she was not trying to put her off, not burying her head in the sand. She looked up. ‘Do you know, if I had a choice I'd far rather you not know, but at the same time, I'm sort of relieved.'

‘What? Why?'

‘Because I'm embarrassed.
Horribly
embarrassed. I mean, I can't even do something simple like hold a marriage together, and I look like such a fool. Taking him back. Believing all his promises.'

Hannah flicked her plait over her shoulder. ‘Don't start blaming yourself – that's ridiculous. But what do you mean about being relieved?'

‘Well, this is hard to explain.' Mattie jabbed her fingernail into the darkest part of the knot as she searched for the right words. ‘What you have to understand is that it's like Jake is two different people. There's the one
you
know, and that's the one I love, and then there's the other. And he's . . . horrible. So after one of these – episodes, well, when he comes to me absolutely stricken with guilt, and brings flowers, and makes all these promises – I
want
to believe him. Desperately. Because I don't want to lose the other Jake, and I don't want my kids to grow up without a father, and I don't want to be a single mother. So I ignore the part of me that says he's not going to change, that it's all part of a pattern, and I start again. And again.'

‘Jesus. How long has this been going on?'

‘A while. But let me finish. See, the part of me that's been saying this stuff has been getting louder and louder. That's why I'm here, in this unit. And that part isn't alone anymore. Now that you know, there's one more voice – and it's not a voice I can tell to shut up and go away. I can't even bear to think of the look on your face if I gave in again. The disappointment, the contempt.'

‘And you're right.' Hannah shook her head. ‘I'm not going to shut up either. If this is part of a pattern, then it's part of Jake. And that won't change without professional help. If then.'

‘I know'. Mattie abandoned the knot and stared down into her coffee mug, where the surface of the liquid had congealed into a thin film. She thought of what Liz had said after the Whimsicalities party, about the good and the bad Jake both being the same person. One Jake. Not
that this came as a huge surprise, because deep down she'd known it all along – it had always just made it easier to think of him as two people. Mattie pushed the coffee mug handle to the left just a touch so that it was lined up over the swirled knot in the table surface. And she suddenly realised that, for the first time in three days, she felt like she had some energy. Lighter.

‘Listen, Mattie, I don't want to make threats, but I will say that if you take him back, after this, then I'll tell Mum, and Stuart, and the police, and anyone else I happen to see.'

Mattie smiled bleakly. ‘Fair enough.'

‘It's going to be all I can do to go home tonight and keep this to myself.' Hannah held up a hand at Mattie's frown. ‘I know, I promised. And I won't say anything. But I'm just saying, well, this is
huge
. And I can't share it, do anything, discuss it with anyone. Can I ask you something?'

Mattie fidgeted apprehensively. ‘Depends.'

‘Well, how often did it happen?'

‘Oh, I don't know'. Mattie shrugged. ‘And I don't really want to talk about it.'

‘Lord!' Hannah looked at her sister with horror. ‘That broken arm you had when Max was a baby! That was
him
, wasn't it?'

‘Actually, no.' Mattie laughed, and felt a surge of amazement that she could. ‘That really
was
the rollerblading. No, this –' she indicated her neck – ‘is the worst it's ever been. But it's always where I can hide it.'

‘So he thinks about it then?'

‘I suppose.' Mattie put her head on the side and thought about this. ‘Yeah, probably.' She looked back up at Hannah and felt an urge to explain. ‘See, I've worked out that it's about power. It's like every so often he feels he has to rein me in.'

‘Bastard,' said Hannah, almost spitting out the word.

Mattie, although still feeling lighter, was uncomfortable. It was one thing to discuss her plans and the violence as an entity, but it was another talking about Jake like this. It made her feel intensely disloyal, as if she was stabbing him in the back. Betraying him, and their marriage. Even if it was over. She glanced up at the clock and jumped up. ‘Hannah, it's twenty past three! I've got to get the kids!'

Hannah stood up too. ‘Then you'd better run.'

Mattie left the dirty mugs where they were, picked up the scarf and then grabbed her handbag from the lounge-room on the way out. She waited for Hannah to follow and slammed the front door shut. They walked down to Hannah's car in the driveway.

‘I'm going to drop in again, either tomorrow or the next day.' Hannah unlocked the car door. ‘Your choice.'

‘Make it Friday,' said Mattie. ‘And Hannah – thanks.'

‘No problem.' Hannah turned suddenly and hugged Mattie. ‘I can't believe I never knew this. That I didn't guess or something. And there I was when you moved in here saying
you
need help. That
bastard
.'

‘Okay, let's leave it for now.' Mattie patted Hannah's back lightly and then stepped away.

‘Until Friday anyway.' Hannah gave her a level look. ‘And for heaven's sake, look after yourself. Ring if you need me. For
anything
.'

‘I will.' Mattie watched her sister clamber into the Volvo and then waved as she hurried over to her own car. She jumped in and started the engine quickly. As she reversed out, she was buoyed by a rush of what almost felt like exhilaration. Someone once said that ‘a problem shared was a problem halved', and while Mattie's problem certainly hadn't halved, its edges had been whittled and it no longer felt as sharp. Suddenly things were looking clearer. Her options had decreased dramatically, but this had clearly revealed the way forward for the first time in years.

After tea, while Max and Courtney watched a cartoon on television, Mattie sat down at the kitchen table with a notebook and pen and prepared to write one of her lists. It was to be a ‘to do' list, which covered the preliminary steps she'd need to take now that a decision had been made. And even the thought that a decision
had
been made brought a mix of feelings that both complemented and contradicted each other. On the one hand, she felt deeply bereft – as if about to undergo an amputation of sorts. But on the other hand, she felt an almost buoyant sense of relief, which fed off her underlying bitterness and resentment
while overshadowing, for now, a deep-seated fear of what her decision would mean.

Tell Jake
. Mattie stared at this number one priority for a few moments and decided that for the time being all she would say was that she needed the weekend to think things through. Then, when he dropped the children off on Sunday, she would tell him it was over. And that meant he had a few days to get used to the idea before any of them saw him again.

Tell Max and Courtney
. She'd buy something really nice for tea on Sunday night and break the news to them then. That their parents were splitting up for good. She would have to remember to stress the fact that it wouldn't mean they'd miss out on either parent. The shared care arrangement would stay in place. But it would mean no more arguments, no more fights – no more sneaking out at night to watch their mother being choked against the lounge-room wall.

Visit library
. To access the Internet and get some information on marital separation. Legally, what did she need to do? How could she best protect her interests? At present, the vast majority of their possessions were at the house, with Jake. So, if he proved unreasonable about a fair share, what could she do? What about the house itself? Did she need a lawyer?

Go down to the community centre
. Definitely. As soon as possible.

Visit bank
. They'd emptied their joint account before she left and added the principal to their existing term deposit, signing it up for twelve months. The remaining money had been split between them and put into new, individual accounts. So the term deposit represented a substantial sum of money and, although safely tucked away for another ten months, that period would probably have to be terminated early. Apart from needing some of her half to live, the very fact that it was sitting there in both their names made her feel financially linked to Jake. And even if it meant losing some of the interest, she no longer wanted that. At all.

Mattie rubbed her sore neck gently and then got up to get a drink of water. She stood at the sink, staring out of the window. It had been raining again, and the wooden paling fence was transformed from a
dirty, faded concrete colour to a crisp fresh steel-grey. The small grassy patch was puddled with water and the part of the rhododendron she could see had hung its head, dripping. On impulse, Mattie went to the back door and opened it, standing at the top of the steps. The air had that wonderful smell of warm rain, slightly musty but incredibly invigorating. Mattie breathed deeply, letting it permeate her lungs.

The smell and feel of the world after a good downpour had always delighted Mattie. It made her feel that anything was possible, that the rain had washed away the sins of the past and created a blank slate for her to write on.
Tabula rasa
– heady with possibilities. Like Max's little handheld computer console that said, whenever a game was finished:
Game com
-plete,
be
-gin
again. Game com
-plete,
be
-gin
again
. With the emphasis on ‘be' weighted with expectations.

‘Mum, what're you doing?' Max stood inside the laundry, looking at her, puzzled.

‘Just smelling the air,' said Mattie, smiling. ‘Come here. Smell it for yourself.'

Max came closer and took a noisy sniff. ‘Mmm. Nice.'

‘Lovely, you mean.'

‘Uh-huh. Can I have a couple of biscuits?'

‘Okay.' Mattie ushered him inside and closed the laundry door, locking it securely. While Max was helping himself to the biscuit barrel, she saw her ‘to do' list lying on the table for anyone to read so she picked it up and shoved it on top of the fridge, out of the way. Then, as she stood back, Mattie noticed an edge of paper poking out from under the fridge and bent down to pick it up. It was one of her cut-outs, the motivational sayings:
The obstacles of your past can become the gateways that lead to new beginnings
. Mattie read it again and then worked a piece of the sticky-tape on the fridge up with her fingernail and pressed down to secure it.

The doorbell rang just as she finished this and she smiled to herself. Hilda, most likely, come to check up on her. Grabbing her scarf from the back of the chair, Mattie wound it around her neck loosely and went to answer the door. Courtney was already there, struggling with the lock. Mattie frowned at her.

‘What have I told you about answering the door?'

‘You said if I
didn't
know who it is.'

‘And you do?'

‘Sure! I looked through the curtains. It's Daddy'

As Courtney made this announcement, she also succeeded in turning the lock and the door swung open. It was indeed Jake, and he didn't look happy. Mattie stared at him apprehensively, her stomach twisting as the relief that had been propelling her dissipated in a moment.