Broken (13 page)

‘This is great, honey' said Mattie appreciatively, taking a mouthful of steak and salad.

‘Yeah, thanks, Dad,' Max added quickly.

‘I live to serve.' Jake drained his scotch and then started filling his plate with food.

‘I
love
barbecueys,' commented Courtney, shining her little torch onto her sausage and peering at the faint spot of light. ‘They're my favourite. After McDonald's, of course.'

‘Of course,' said Jake, smiling across the table at Mattie. Suddenly he clicked his fingers. ‘The wine! I forgot the wine. I got a nice bottle of riesling –'

‘I'll get it, Dad.' Max was up and through the sliding door, his halfeaten burger abandoned on his plate.

‘Grab two glasses as well!' Jake called after him. ‘
Wineg
lasses!'

Mattie chewed her steak contentedly. The evening was mild, the mood was mild, and the company consisted of her three mostpreferred people in the world. If a fairy godmother suddenly appeared and granted her one wish, it wouldn't be for fame or fortune or world travel, but to have everything stay just like this forever. Was that too much to ask? Was that greedy?

Max returned, the wine and two goblets cradled against his chest, and shut the sliding door behind him before crossing to his father. Jake grinned his thanks and then levered the cork free, filling the glasses halfway before passing one across to Mattie.

‘Thanks.' Mattie raised her glass. ‘And cheers to all of us!'

The children enthusiastically clinked their cups against their parents' glasses and then Jake stood and leant forward, touching Mattie's wineglass with his own. He smiled at her as he sat down again and her heart soared. Just like this. Forever.

‘My torch isn't working anymore,' complained Courtney, shaking it.

‘The torch of the people has gone out,' said Jake in his deep voice. ‘Is this the end of the world as we know it?'

‘Well, how about we check it later.' Mattie reached out and took the little torch from Courtney, laying it down by the side of her plate. ‘Eat your salad, honey.'

‘I don't like salad.'

‘It's good for you.'

‘Daddy doesn't make me eat salad.' Courtney flashed a look at her father. ‘And it's his weekend. Isn't it, Daddy?'

‘Do what your mother says, Court.'

‘But you said –'

‘And now I'm saying eat it.' Jake used his no-nonsense voice, frowning at Courtney.
'All
of it.'

Courtney's mouth thinned angrily as she dropped her eyes and pushed a piece of lettuce around her plate. She speared it with her fork and then used her knife to tear it into jagged strips. Finally she looked up. ‘Mummy's having a party. With all these people. And Auntie Liz who we haven't seen since we were babies.'

‘Really?' said Jake evenly, glancing across the table at Mattie and raising his eyebrows. ‘How . . . exciting.'

‘It's not a party –' Mattie waved a hand dismissively – ‘it's just one of those party-plan things. Like Tupperware. Courtney, you make it sound like I'm having an orgy or something.'

‘What's an orgy?'

‘Nothing.' Mattie rolled her eyes and then glanced at Jake who, to her relief, was looking rather unconcerned as he refilled his goblet. The last thing she wanted was for him to start with the ‘moving on' tangent again. Not when the evening was going so well.

‘I wanted to go to the party too, but Mummy said she needs time to herself.' Courtney flicked her mother a fleeting look under her lashes. ‘Without Max and me.'

‘And me, it seems,' commented Jake, helping himself to some more coleslaw.

‘Like you'd enjoy one of those,' said Mattie, striving for a light and unconcerned tone. ‘A room full of women gossiping about pottery and stuff.'

‘Well, Liz'll be thrilled you've gotten rid of me anyway,' Jake continued as if she hadn't spoken.

Mattie's stomach immediately contracted, much like a labour pain, and she put her cutlery down, not hungry anymore. ‘That's not true. You know that's not true.'

‘Actually it's perfectly true. That self-absorbed bitch never liked me and you know it.'

‘Is she really a bitch?' asked Courtney of her father.

‘She certainly is, sweetheart.'

‘Then why does Mummy like her?'

‘Courtney shut
up,'
hissed Max, glaring across the table at his sister.

‘Well, Mum's not very choosy about her friends.' Jake pushed his plate away, picked up his glass and looked at Courtney intently. ‘So even though Auntie Liz makes out she's one of those feminist ball-busters, Mum still likes her because once upon a time they used to go out a lot together. Picking up blokes and all that.'

‘We did
not,'
said Mattie desperately, speaking to Jake rather than her daughter. ‘We were just
friends
, that's all.'

‘So is she still with that idiot she married?' asked Jake, now looking Mattie full in the face. ‘And won't he be thrilled you've moved out as well? You never know your luck there, Mat, they may even find you someone new. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you, shall I?'

‘I don't want anyone new.' Mattie clenched her hands together under the table, her knuckles white. ‘And they wouldn't do that anyway.'

‘Actually I'm quite sure they would. No wonder you don't want the kids at your shindig. They'll cramp your style, hey?'

‘It's not like that.' Mattie stared at her meal and then glanced up at Jake, suddenly washed with resentment. ‘And you
know
it's not like that.'

‘Actually I know nothing of the sort. Sometimes I don't know you at all. It's like I try and try …' Jake waved a hand around the barbecue area expressively without taking his eyes off Mattie. His voice became more clipped as he continued, biting off the words and flinging them across the table at her like weapons. ‘And it's never bloody enough. No matter what I do. Then you have the damned nerve to try and stab me in the back the minute I turn away'

‘I do
not
!'

‘Yeah? What about your little talk the other day? I wasn't going to bring it up but what the hell.
You
know what I'm talking about. Telling the kids that I'm
happy
when they're not here. That it's like a bloody
holiday
. And that
you
miss them so much more than me. Nice try, bitch.'

Mattie flinched, as if physically struck. Then she dropped her eyes and stayed still, almost as if she felt that by doing so she would become less of a target. Less visible to the predator. But while her upper body remained motionless, her hands fidgeted incessantly, pulling her wedding ring up over her knuckle and then thrusting it back down roughly. Her stomach turned and a sour taste filled her mouth as if the steak she'd just eaten had become rancid. She opened her mouth and then closed it again, not knowing what to say to best defuse the situation. And knowing, deep down, that it probably couldn't be defused anyway. The timer had started and now it was just a matter of counting down the seconds.
Tick, tick, tick
.

Max clearly felt the same way because he suddenly pushed his chair back and mumbled something before quickly moving inside through the sliding door. He looked sidelong at his mother as he passed by, an expressionless glance that nonetheless spoke volumes.

‘Where're you going, Max?' Courtney's voice was now high-pitched. When she didn't get an answer she too rose rapidly and after an apprehensive glance at her father, gathered together her toys and hurried after her brother. She dropped the little torch as she went, pausing for a moment and then obviously deciding to leave it where it was. The sliding door closed behind her with a dull thud that echoed in the silence.

With her head still down, Mattie watched the torch spin slowly on the patio decking, finally coming to a halt with the silver key-ring attachment curled like a question mark. Will it be okay? Will it blow over? What could she say to make it right?

The unit flicked into her consciousness, with its drapes waiting to be drawn. Providing warmth and security and refuge. And she wanted to be there right now, lying on the couch with Sybil and her protective paramour, or the television, or anything. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Jake drain his wineglass and then stand up with a sigh. He started to collect dishes together and then, still without saying anything, headed for the sliding door with his load. Mattie's stomach flipped as relief washed over her, leaving her light-headed. She let her breath out with a whoosh.

And suddenly from behind her she heard the plates fall to the decking with a huge clatter as an arm whipped past her face and then bent itself back, pinning her neck in the inside crook of the elbow. She stared straight ahead, wide-eyed with shock, her heart thudding so loudly it seemed to vibrate her entire body. But she barely had time to take stock of her situation before the arm rose and tightened, ribbons of taut muscle standing out as her head was pulled backwards painfully. She grunted as tears filmed her eyes.

‘Could barely even wait a week, could you?' Jake's voice was so thick with emotion that it sounded like a stranger's. ‘Already out there, like a fucking bitch on heat. You make me
sick.'

Mute with terror, Mattie stared up at his face, which was distorted by the severe angle of her head. His skin looked ruddy, flushed with
fury, and loose and pouchy either side of the deep lines that bracketed his mouth. But it was his eyes that were the worst. The blue-grey now forged steel, they held absolutely no compassion, or sympathy, or glint of humanity. Instead they bored into her like something so inherently hostile that it was impossible to reconcile them with the laughing,
loving
Jake of only an hour ago.

‘Well, life's not that fucking easy,
sweetheart
. You'll get yours. If you think I'm going to roll over and play dead, you've got another thing coming. You fucking
whore.'

With the last word Jake tightened his arm, breathing heavily with the effort, and bolts of pain cascaded through Mattie's skull like fireworks exploding. She grabbed the arm with both hands, clawing at it to loosen the hold. And now she couldn't speak, couldn't scream, as the force under her chin was too tight, keeping her mouth closed and her teeth firmly clamped together. With her head so far back, the weight against her jugular felt thick and heavy and life-threatening. She tried to swallow but gagged, her vision clouding as the fireworks dulled to a background roar.

And then, as suddenly as it started, it was over and Mattie was released. She fell forward against the table, choking and coughing as she tried to draw a breath that would go
all
the way down instead of just catching in her throat and spluttering out. She wheezed and gasped as the tears spilled over and her nose ran, watery mucus dribbling down to film along her lips. The pain was even more intense now that the pressure was gone. A fierce ache that burned all the way around her neck and up into the base of her skull.

At last she got her breathing under control, though it had a raspy edge that scared her. At some stage the top button of her black shirt had broken off, and the neckline plunged, exposing the lacework across the dipping curves of her white bra. Mattie wrapped her arms across her chest and then, very slowly, looked up fearfully, not knowing what to expect. But Jake had moved away to stand by the table, staring at her with his eyes still hard.

‘Christ, you're pathetic.' He shook his head in disgust. ‘There's something seriously wrong with you, you know. You need help.'

Mattie continued to stare at him, working hard to keep her face expressionless, though deep inside she laughed hysterically at the accuracy of his observation.

‘Fucking loser.' Jake leant under the table to retrieve her handbag, which he tossed into her lap dismissively. ‘Get out of here before I do something I'll regret. You're not fucking worth it.'

Mattie staggered to her feet, her legs weak and rubbery. As she rose, her head exploded again, sending waves of dizziness through her body. She stumbled slightly but then managed to right herself, with the uppermost thought now being that she had to get out of there before he changed his mind. Anger and resentment lay low, swamped by fear and an innate sense of survival. Clasping the bag to her chest, she backed away from the table, her eyes on Jake warily. But he didn't move, just watched her coldly as she somehow got down the steps and then, at last turning her back on him, ran for the side gate.

As she passed the far end of the family room with its bay window, she glanced across and was brought to a halt by the sight of Max and Courtney, their pale faces pressed against the window. Her mouth dropped open with horror that they should witness this. Their mother, a pathetic coward on the run. Filthy, disgraced, beaten. And while one part of her urged her onwards, away from their gaze, the rest of her tensed with the almost overwhelming urge to rush inside to them. To grab them and take them with her. Away from here. But she knew, and they knew also, that wasn't about to happen. There was no choice.

 

O
nce, when Mattie was a child, her parents had taken her and her sister to Luna Park, in St Kilda. It had been an enormous treat as there was very little spare money in those days. She danced through the gaping Luna Park mouth at the entrance, her feet barely touching the ground in her restless excitement. They rode the scenic railway and the big dipper, screaming and clutching each other as they hurtled down the narrow tracks. They played at the sideshows and went through the mirror maze, where Mattie giggled helplessly at all the different versions of herself – fat, skinny, wobbly, curved. They ate hotdogs dripping with sauce, and fairy floss, huge sticky balls of pink fluff that stuck to the corners of Mattie's mouth
.