Bridesmaid Lotto (2 page)

“When have I ever fallen back on my looks?” I asked, mortified.

“Oh you know what I mean dear. I’m simply saying that your good looks won’t last forever. You’ve got to seize every opportunity to find a husband.”

“Oh good God,” I said. “Look, I am not entering some stupid lottery to find a husband. It is offensive and degrading to all the poor girls who are gullible enough to enter. Not to mention it’s a blatant money grab.”

“That money is going to charity,” my mother said. “And it’s a fantastic opportunity. That Jake Hall is quite the catch. Did you know that he made twelve million on his last picture?”

“Mom, the whole world does not revolve around money,” I said.

“Well, that’s a lovely notion,” she said, “but you and I both know that that is just not true. It’s a sad fact, but money is everything.”

“So what about Daddy, he didn’t have any money when you married him.”

“Well no dear, but he had ambition,” she said with flair. “I knew he was going places. It’s what made me fall in love with him.”

“You fell in love with daddy because you knew he’d eventually have money?” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

“Well, not only that. But I have to admit, it certainly was a factor.”

I smacked my forehead.

“And you know dear,” she said. “You’re already behind in the game. By the time I was your age I was already married with two children. You’re not getting any younger, you know.”

“Mom. I’m twenty-six.”

“Exactly my point dear. Do you know how much harder it is to get married after thirty? They’ve done studies on it you know.”

“Can we just drop it already?”

“Fine. Just make sure you get your entry in by Saturday.”

My jaw dropped. “You’re kidding right?”

“What do you mean?”

“I am not going to enter that stupid lottery,” I said.

“What? You must!”

“No. I must not.”

“Well that is just ridiculous. You can’t just go around throwing away opportunities like this.”

“What opportunity? Meeting some movie star?”

“But you know he’s looking for a wife,” she said, still looking like she was positively in shock.

“Yeah. I heard. And I’m so sure one of these Bridesmaids is going to end up being his wife,” I said.

“Well if you never meet him, you’ll never know if you’re the one.”

“Right. I’m the one for Jake Hall. Okay.”

“Well, you’ve got just as much of a chance as anyone else out there.”

“Right. About ten thousand to one. Why bother?”

Mom fanned herself with the menu as if she were about to faint. “Oh, I’m never going to have grandchildren.”

“Mom. You already have two grandchildren.”

“Oh, I don’t mean your sister. I mean grandchildren from you.”

“Mother, this conversation is over. I am not entering the stupid lotto, I am not getting married in the near future, and I am most certainly not having a bunch of kids anytime soon. Just drop it. Please.”

She opened her mouth but apparently decided to keep whatever it was to herself. Thank God. If she’d kept talking I swear I would have walked away. Which of course would have started an all out family feud where my mother and I would refuse to speak to each other until my father intervened and guilted us back into talking. Hmm. A nice bout of the silent treatment from my mother might not have been so bad. Oh well. Next time.

We finished our lunch in silence.

# # #

A few days later, the Bridesmaid Lotto news had died down, at least from where I was standing. Everyone seemed to finally get the hint that I wasn’t interested in entering, or, for that matter, even talking about the stupid thing.

Even so, I was not able to get out of watching ‘the big reveal.’ Calla absolutely, positively, oh-my-God-I’ll-hate-you-forever-if-you-don’t, insisted that I watch it with her.

“Fine,” I said. “But you have to provide the Häagen-Dazs.”

“Sure,” she said, giddy about the whole thing.

So there we were, me and my Häagen-Dazs. Oh, and Calla of course, watching the stupid Entertainment News.

“And now, the moment you have all been waiting for has finally arrived,” the dippy reporter said. She was actually dressed in an evening gown for the big event.

“I have Emma VanHorn, her fiancé Alan Hall, and of course, his brother Jake Hall. They have all gathered in the studio to announce the lucky winners of the Bridesmaid Lotto.”

A crowd that had gathered outside the giant studio window cheered in the background.

“In an amazing turn out, Emma VanHorn has received entries from over one hundred thousand women, generously offering to stand up for her at her wedding!”

“Yeah, like she has anything to do with it,” I said, shoveling another bite of ice cream.

“Shhh,” Calla said.

“I can’t believe all those women paid her ten bucks for this. That means she’s got over half a million extra to spend on her wedding.”

“Shhh,” Calla said again and gave me a look that said ‘I will end you if you don’t.’

“…and here… we… go!” the reporter said. “This computer will randomly choose the four women from the online entrants.”

The camera zoomed in dramatically to the computer screen on the wall behind her. She swept her hand over it Vanna White style. A drum roll started out of nowhere.

“The first lucky lady is… Rebecca Singleton!”

Everybody in TV land clapped and cheered.

“Lucky Bridesmaid number two will be… Bobbi Lynn Mayfield!”

Clapping and cheering.

“And on to number three…” The reporter’s smile was starting to look like it hurt. “… Miss Jennifer Wilson.”

Clapping, cheering, clapping, cheering.

“And last, but certainly not least, our last winner is…”

Calla sat up a little straighter.

“… Josephine McMaster!”

Calla gasped. My mouth dropped open.

“Oh my God, it’s you,” she said, a little squeaky.

“Please. There’s got to be about a hundred Josephine McMaster’s in this city.”

“Once again here are the names of the winners of the Bridesmaid Lotto,” the reporter said. “…Miss Rebecca Singleton!”

A photo that looked like it could be the head shot of a model popped onto the screen.

“…Miss Bobbi Lynn Mayfield!”

This time the photo was a girl in pigtails, standing in a field of wheat. In Daisy Dukes.

“…Miss Jennifer Wilson!”

A picture of a girl proudly winning a tennis trophy came up.

“…And Miss Josephine McMaster.”

My high school yearbook photo plastered the screen.

Not a good moment to have a mouth full of Häagen-Dazs. It took about a half a second for me to spray it all over the TV.

~ 2 ~

Calla and I stared at each other, silent. I think she could tell by my ice cream reaction that I was as shocked as she was.

The phone rang. Neither of us moved. Our mouths still hung open.

“If you are one of these four girls, you will be hearing from us very soon,” Emma VanHorn was saying on the TV. “I hope you all are as excited as we are.”

I finally closed my mouth and shook my head. But how?

The phone rang again. This time I picked it up.

“Hello?”

There was nothing but an old lady scream from the other end.

I took a deep breath. “Mother? What have you done?”

“Oh Josephine,” she said from the other end of the line. “It’s fate! I just knew you had to be in that lottery.”

“What have you done?”

My shock was wearing off slightly and the anger was starting to kick in. Calla was still sitting motionless on the couch, spoon in midair between her own Häagen-Dazs and her mouth.

“Well, obviously I entered you,” she said, excited.

“Mom! That is a huge violation. You knew I didn’t want to be in that lotto!

“Well honey, if I left everything up to you, I might never get any grandchildren.”

“Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God,” I said frantically. “I can’t believe you’ve done this to me.”

“What? You should be thanking me. You won Josephine. Don’t you realize that you’ve won?”

The call waiting beeped. “Oh my God mother. You are unbelievable. You don’t actually think I’m going to play along with this whole charade do you?”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m not going to be a stupid Bridesmaid.”

“Of course you are dear. You won out over a hundred thousand women.”

“I don’t care. I am not putting myself through that kind of humiliation!”

The call waiting beeped again.

“Why would it be humiliating?” she asked.

“Oh my God. It’s like being a contestant on the Bachelor or something. Talk about desperate.” I couldn’t believe that nobody was getting that.

I turned toward Calla for support. Her spoon still hung in midair, but now she was staring directly at me.

“Oh honey, these are desperate times. And desperate times call for desperate measures.”

“What desperate times?” I yelled.

“Well dear, your next birthday is approaching. You don’t want to go another year without any marriage prospects.”

“Oh my God.”

“Besides, you are a beautiful woman. Anyone would be happy to have you in their wedding party.”

“I don’t care. There is no way you are going to convince me to do this.”

Call waiting started going again, not helping my anxiety level at all.

“You have to do it Josie,” Calla piped in from the couch. Apparently she was finally regaining her ability to function.

“What? You too?” I said.

“Don’t worry dear. I anticipated the fact that you might be a little… difficult about this. So I’ve come up with a compromise.”

“I’m not interested.”

“Hear me out,” she said. “You know how you’ve been talking about getting out of the city to clear your head and rejuvenate?”

I sighed. “Yeah.”

Actually I had been saving for my dream vacation for five years, and getting more and more burned out as every day passed. The plan was Italy and Greece, see the sights and lay on the beach. You know, pretty much heaven.

“Well, if you agree to do this, I will pay for your vacation.”

I was momentarily stunned silent. I’d been hinting for years for her to help me with my vacation fund. In fact, I had flat out said that I didn’t want gifts for my birthday or Christmas, just a little money for my trip. But no, she kept giving me a bunch of useless crap like candles and scented soaps and hideous clothes.

“You would pay for the whole thing.”

“Yes.”

“For a three week vacation?”

“Yes.”

Calla’s eyes were growing wide. She knew how much I had been dying to go on that trip and that I would do almost anything to get there. She began to nod at me frantically.

I sighed. “I’ll think about it.”

The call waiting was really starting to get on my nerves.

“I have to go.”

“Wonderful, have a wonderful sleep my dear. Sweet dreams of that handsome movie star.”

I hung up the phone without saying goodbye, or answering the call waiting.

It rang anyway, the second I pushed the button. I turned off the ringer and sat down. Calla had put her ice cream down.

“Oh my God, Josie,” she said. “I can’t believe you actually won!”

“I didn’t want to enter,” was all I could say. I felt like a zombie, too many thoughts running through my head.

“But you won!”

“I know.” But really, it hadn’t sunk in.

“And your mother’s going to pay for your trip!”

I looked up at her. “
If
I do it,” I reminded her.

“Josie! You have to do it!” she said in a squeaky voice. “You can’t just throw away an opportunity like this.”

“Opportunity? More like a freak show.”

“Josie, you’re out of your mind. I can’t believe you’re not excited about this. You’re going to meet Jake Hall!”

I’d almost forgotten about that part. I hate to admit it, but a tiny wave of excitement zipped through me. Which was quickly followed by a much larger sense of dread.

“God, I want to go to Europe so badly though.” The wheels were definitely turning. Of course my stomach was also definitely churning with the decision I faced. Life was so much simpler ten minutes ago.

“Exactly,” Calla said. “And remember, Jake Hall.” She practically sung the words.

“I can’t seriously do this.”